It has occurred to me that recently, my blog has turned into Wendi’s Latest Disaster. There was the iPhone in the toilet incident, the suburban wankers mingle with hipsters night, and, of course, the Demented Lucy Ricardo. Who can forget this big, fuzzy gob of beauty? Mmmmm, pretty!
If you look closely, you can see a family of warblers.
It’s been one big dumbass move after another around this joint and frankly, I’m surprised that none of you has thrown me into a white van and driven me to a group home where I can be held under constant adult supervision. My “Staring at Static on TV While Shoveling Pudding Into Mouth With Fingers” (SSTWSPIMWF) stage of life is obviously fast approaching; it’s just a matter of time. Take away my shoelaces and fit me for my shower shoes, all signals are GO, man.
Which is why I feel like now’s a good time for me to start talking about all of the positive things I do, too. The smart things. The capable things. The things that show I’m a competent adult who doesn’t need to be constantly reminded to not stick her hand in the garbage disposal while it’s running even though she really, really thinks she might have dropped her Burger King watch down there. You know, those things.
But unfortunately, the bragging about my maturity won’t start for awhile because I’m way too busy apologizing to the school secretary who I saw wearing pink capris and a matching top last week, then cheerfully asked her, “Oh, is it pajama day today?” (It was not.)
Here’s one thing today that IS super positive—the Suburban David Lee Roth is back, baby! Check out this blonde:
The warblers relocated to a nice asymmetrical bob down the street.
Question: What do you get when you buy a $5 box of hair dye?
Answer: Three hours at the hair salon, a huge credit card bill and a plethora of judgmental sneers from tiny rich women under hair dryers. Yowza, what a bargain, Clairol! You should put me in your ads! You can pay me in rubber gloves! I’m way cheaper than Eva Longoria and I’ll bring my own Spanx, bagels and generic Oxycontin!
Of course, I don’t think my hair is quite back to its normal Nordic loveliness, but it’s definitely looking way better. Plus, I no longer have to put on a hat 24/7. Seriously, for the three days I had that disastrous red hair, I wore a cheap Florida Marlins baseball hat everywhere I went. However, not while I was sleeping, much to the disappointment of my husband. (“For f*ck’s sake, I keep having nightmares that I just got lucky with a Pokemon character. Your hair glows in the dark.“)
I also didn’t wear a hat when I went to the gym because I really hate working out with something on my head. I just don’t think it’s good to trap all of that sweat inside a little heat chamber, which is why I’ll never buy into the Turban Hot Yoga craze that I just made up while typing right now. Anyway, it was a certainly a little embarrassing to be at the gym with my horrible doll hair, but I still sucked it up and did it because I am committed to my health. Also, it was free hand sanitizer week.
Here’s a picture my friend Kristy took of me after Spin class:
I admit it, I love tanning beds!
Oh, cheap joke photos. Why do I love you so?
Anyway, thank you for all of the care and concern and hilarity about my latest screw-up. I do so appreciate it. But hopefully, this disaster will be the last one for a while and then I can start writing about all of the genius grants I’m sure I’ll soon be awarded.
You know, right after I pull my hand out of the garbage disposal.
In other news: I have a funny piece up at McSweeney’s called “Airplane Passengers As Explained By Their Pants.” I’d love it if you could please read it and Like it and Share it and all of that other hullabaloo!