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It’s All Good, Baby

May 8th, 2012

It has occurred to me that recently, my blog has turned into Wendi’s Latest Disaster. There was the iPhone in the toilet incident, the suburban wankers mingle with hipsters night, and, of course, the Demented Lucy Ricardo. Who can forget this big, fuzzy gob of beauty? Mmmmm, pretty!

If you look closely, you can see a family of warblers.

It’s been one big dumbass move after another around this joint and frankly, I’m surprised that none of you has thrown me into a white van and driven me to a group home where I can be held under constant adult supervision. My “Staring at Static on TV While Shoveling Pudding Into Mouth With Fingers” (SSTWSPIMWF) stage of life is obviously fast approaching; it’s just a matter of time. Take away my shoelaces and fit me for my shower shoes, all signals are GO, man.

Which is why I feel like now’s a good time for me to start talking about all of the positive things I do, too. The smart things. The capable things. The things that show I’m a competent adult who doesn’t need to be constantly reminded to not stick her hand in the garbage disposal while it’s running even though she really, really thinks she might have dropped her Burger King watch down there. You know, those things.

But unfortunately, the bragging about my maturity won’t start for awhile because I’m way too busy apologizing to the school secretary who I saw wearing pink capris and a matching top last week, then cheerfully asked her, “Oh, is it pajama day today?” (It was not.)

Here’s one thing today that IS super positive—the Suburban David Lee Roth is back, baby! Check out this blonde:

The warblers relocated to a nice asymmetrical bob down the street.

Question: What do you get when you buy a $5 box of hair dye?

Answer: Three hours at the hair salon, a huge credit card bill and a plethora of judgmental sneers from tiny rich women under hair dryers. Yowza, what a bargain, Clairol! You should put me in your ads! You can pay me in rubber gloves! I’m way cheaper than Eva Longoria and I’ll bring my own Spanx, bagels and generic Oxycontin!

Of course, I don’t think my hair is quite back to its normal Nordic loveliness, but it’s definitely looking way better. Plus, I no longer have to put on a hat 24/7. Seriously, for the three days I had that disastrous red hair, I wore a cheap Florida Marlins baseball hat everywhere I went. However, not while I was sleeping, much to the disappointment of my husband. (“For f*ck’s sake, I keep having nightmares that I just got lucky with a Pokemon character. Your hair glows in the dark.“)

I also didn’t wear a hat when I went to the gym because I really hate working out with something on my head. I just don’t think it’s good to trap all of that sweat inside a little heat chamber, which is why I’ll never buy into the Turban Hot Yoga craze that I just made up while typing right now. Anyway, it was a certainly a little embarrassing to be at the gym with my horrible doll hair, but I still sucked it up and did it because I am committed to my health. Also, it was free hand sanitizer week.

Here’s a picture my friend Kristy took of me after Spin class:

 

I admit it, I love tanning beds!

Oh, cheap joke photos. Why do I love you so?

Anyway, thank you for all of the care and concern and hilarity about my latest screw-up. I do so appreciate it. But hopefully, this disaster will be the last one for a while and then I can start writing about all of the genius grants I’m sure I’ll soon be awarded.

You know, right after I pull my hand out of the garbage disposal.

________________________

In other news: I have a funny piece up at McSweeney’s called “Airplane Passengers As Explained By Their Pants.” I’d love it if you could please read it and Like it and Share it and all of that other hullabaloo!

 

 

Entry Filed under: Uncategorized

23 Comments

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  • 1. tracy@sellabitmum  |  May 8th, 2012 at 10:24 am

    So far my 10 year relationship with Clairol and ‘Medium Brown’ is super strong – but that is one of the few lucky things about being a brunette.

    Also, you make a hot troll.

  • 2. Becky  |  May 8th, 2012 at 10:49 am

    The only reason I signed up to read this blog was for the screw ups to make myself feel better about my own “duh” moments. If you are only posting about your genius stuff, it’s going to force me to start watching the Kardashians to get that same satisfaction.

  • 3. Jester Queen  |  May 8th, 2012 at 11:15 am

    Now I bet that poor troll doll gets skin cancer, and it’s all your fault. :-P

  • 4. Stephanie  |  May 8th, 2012 at 11:50 am

    When I see that troll, I hear the sweet sounds of Let’s Get Physical. Ahhhh.

  • 5. shanan  |  May 8th, 2012 at 11:52 am

    Loved your flight list! Seriously did the box thing and it sent me straight back to my hairdresser with the added bonus of explaining my cheapness. Ugh!

  • 6. Cheryl  |  May 8th, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    Trifling matters, Wendi. All just folderol. What I really want to know is how much you’re glowing after the LTYM Austin show. Diamond-sparkly and golden-shimmery?

  • 7. suburbancorrespondent  |  May 8th, 2012 at 3:59 pm

    The pajama story is the best part of this. So glad I’m not the only one with her foot in her mouth,

  • 8. Laffin so Hard  |  May 8th, 2012 at 5:28 pm

    minus the swearing, I think my husband said that exact same line to me! I think it made him hot for Houndoom…Go Pokemon go!

  • 9. Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him  |  May 8th, 2012 at 9:06 pm

    World order has been restored now that you’re back to blonde.

    I did this very thing in Miami. The colorists acted like fixing it was the same as assembling a Rubik’s cube with a blindfold on.

  • 10. Alexandra  |  May 9th, 2012 at 5:46 am

    I thought everyone already knew of the awesomeness you are.

    The foibles here are just to keep us from going crazy with jealously.

    It works.

  • 11. Suebob  |  May 9th, 2012 at 6:58 am

    That’s YOU on McSweeneys? I only think McSweeneys is funny about once a year and I howled at that piece. No wonder.

  • 12. Amanda Black  |  May 9th, 2012 at 7:03 am

    I think McSweeney’s is how I found you in the first place. My co-worker sent me that article and we both thought it was hilarious!

  • 13. dusty earth mother  |  May 9th, 2012 at 8:10 am

    Not to keep enjoying your jackassery or anything, but the pajama comment made me laugh for days. DAYS. So put your hand back in that disposal, babe, ’cause you send me.

  • 14. Krabies  |  May 9th, 2012 at 8:24 am

    I loved the pants list!!
    You forgot overalls but we really don’t want to know what those people are doing anyway!

  • 15. headspot  |  May 9th, 2012 at 8:37 am

    The new workout picture is great – kinda look like (15 minutes of fame) Patricia Ktentcil, the “New Jersey tanning lady” of last week’s fame!

    The new hair is way cool, though.

  • 16. Kim @The Fordeville Diaries  |  May 9th, 2012 at 8:42 am

    You had me at Free Hand Sanitizer Week. {I’m hoping this is recognized nationally and not just in your gym.}

  • 17. julie gardner  |  May 9th, 2012 at 9:22 am

    Oh.

    So THAT’S why I woke up with a family of warblers in my hair this morning.

    p.s. An asymmetrical bob is better than matching pink not-pajamas, right? Just checking.

  • 18. Nancy Davis Kho  |  May 9th, 2012 at 9:52 am

    Isn’t that the same troll who was recently arrested for taking her mini-troll to a tanning bed? Pretty sure it is.

    I befriended a hairdresser in Kindergym 14 years ago and although I could be sending both kids to private school for what I pay for my quarterly cut and paint with her, it’s worth it. That’s what the Clairol slogan REALLY means.

  • 19. the mama bird diaries  |  May 9th, 2012 at 11:17 am

    I hope you now realize that wine is the only thing you should buy in a box.

  • 20. Marta  |  May 9th, 2012 at 3:48 pm

    I had a terrible box incident myself. I wanted to go blonde but instead went orange. It was quite unfortunate. Now I pay $110 every 6 months to have it professionally blonded for me.

  • 21. Susan in the Boonies  |  May 9th, 2012 at 11:23 pm

    I was working a booth at a convention recently, and a girl who was working with me who’d been kinda mean to me said to a potential customer: “That’s a cute little grandbaby you have there.”. To which he replied: “She’s my daughter.”

    I was rolling on the floor laughing out loud in my mind.

  • 22. Ashley Taylor (@ashleytaylor76)  |  May 10th, 2012 at 6:37 am

    I won’t even lie, I laughed so loud and hard reading this that I almost choked on my pudding! ;)

  • 23. Jen Anderson  |  May 11th, 2012 at 7:46 am

    Hilarious piece on McSweeney’s.

    I’ve been dying my own hair red (copper) with a $12 package of home hair dye for a couple of years now. Inevitably, if I dye it right before getting a haircut, I’ll have missed a spot. My hairdresser finally told me that maybe it’s time to start paying someone to do it for me.

    Alas, my current income won’t allow it. And fortunately, the spot I tend to miss is in the back, so no one but my hairdresser notices, so it’s not that big a deal.


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