Two Suburban Wankers Enter a Bar
April 24th, 2012
Even though I only live eight miles from the heart of downtown Austin, it can sometimes feel like it’s a thousand miles away. Like last night when my friend Monica and I showed up at a very hip wine bar. We were in her minivan.
Everyone else was on a unicycle.
Well, okay, maybe not everyone, but the crowd was full of that particular Austin young-hipster type where all of the guys wear skinny jeans and interesting facial hair and all of the women wear Tom’s shoes and no cellulite. I sat at our small cafe table, sipping my very pretentious wine flight (“conflict free chardonnay”–WTF?) and watched as they all lazed about in their plaid shirts and Ray-Ban Wayfarers. Wayfarers that I’d worn after Wham! had made them cool the first time, thank you very much. But I then had a horrible thought: I’m probably old enough to be their mother.
“You know,” Monica observed as she slugged back her Etruscan pinot blanc, “we’re probably old enough to be their mothers.”
“Shhhh!” I immediately answered, glancing around with fearful eyes. “Don’t let them hear you!”
“Yeah, like the dude over there in the ironic Fruit Loops t-shirt is going to give a crap,” she replied. “He’s too busy rolling his own cigarette with his hand-woven bag of fair trade tobacco. Weirdo. Besides, who cares?”
Well, me for one. In all honesty, it usually doesn’t matter what people think of me, but I’m just not ready to be viewed as the old lady crashing the party quite yet. Like Rappin’ Grandma. Or Drinkin’ Mom. Or Menopausal Cougar Who Does The Electric Slide At Applebee’s Until She Falls Down and Has Massive Internal Bleeding Lady. Of course I know I’m years older and in a completely different place in my life than that of a 20-something wine bar denizen, but still. I don’t have to be obvious about it, right?
Which is why I then turned to Monica and yelled louder than the thumping South American guitar music, “Hey, did you see who the new PTO president is? Sherry Jenkins?! What, was Pol Pot unavailable?”
Shit.
Shit shit shit.
The worst part about a 40-year-old woman trying to look hip? She has trouble remembering that she’s trying to look hip.
As the word “PTO” wafted through the wine bar, Monica’s Estee Lauder anti-aging serumed eyes immediately rounded in fear. We both realized that not only had we driven to Hipsterland in a dented Honda Odyssey, but I’d just made the grave mistake of talking like a suburban wanker in a place where the waiters had names like “Merlin” and “Cochise.” This was so not good.
“Um…” I stuttered. “Umm….” Then I leaned over and whispered, “Quick, name a cool band we should know about before the sideburn brigade sics their rehabilitated pit bulls on us.”
“OK, OK….Coldplay!” she yelled. “I love the band Coldplay!”
“No! Not them! I’ve heard of them.”
“Then The Vampire Weekend! I love The Vampire Weekend! That’s a thing, right? The Vampire Weekend? Or am I just thinking of that because I saw Twilight on a Sunday? You know, that Sunday that Jackson didn’t have a sleep-over because Jeannie had lice, do you rememb—”
“Shut up shut up! Just make up a band we like! Seriously, Merlin’s giving me the stink-eye and I really want to finish this glass of non-gluten Gewurztraminer before they chase us out for being alive when Carter was in office.”
“OK, um, oh, my God! OK, here we go—-I just can’t stop listening to Book Jacket Omelet!” she boomed. “Book Jacket Omelet is gnarly!”
We paused then to nonchalantly look around, a little worried about her maverick use of “gnarly,” but hoping that that word had also made a hipster resurgence like nerd glasses, leg warmers and community service. After a few seconds passed with nothing being thrown at us, I finally let my shoulders relax. Monica and I were obviously fitting in with the hipsters because nobody had even batted an eye in our direction. Or at least I don’t think anyone had batted an eye.
It’s kind of hard to tell when they’re all wearing Wayfarers.
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36 Comments
Add your own1. Nancy Davis Kho | April 24th, 2012 at 11:51 am
Freakin’ Book Jacket Omelet ROCKS! I saw them open for Bob Schneider once.
Poor you. You’re still on the precipice where you think you have a shot at not being perceived as middle aged by people who share their bowel movements on FB and spend half their day shaping their facial hair tricks. It’s so much less stressful when you finally give in.
2. Stephanie | April 24th, 2012 at 11:58 am
Oh, man! That was hilarious. Thank you for representin’ dented Honda Odysseys. Woot woot! (I obviously wouldn’t have lasted 10 minutes in there, either!)
3. anna | April 24th, 2012 at 12:17 pm
this is why i never allow my minivan to leave our subdivision. which actually now that i write that, is even worse!
4. Leigh Ann | April 24th, 2012 at 1:29 pm
I feel kinda the same way when I roll up in my Explorer. Like they’re all looking at me like, “gas guzzling soccer mom.” My kids don’t even play soccer. Yet. but what I hate more is when we’re downtown in a cool part of town, and we can’t think of anywhere cool to go, so we go to some dumb like Red Robin.
5. julie gardner | April 24th, 2012 at 2:02 pm
Whenever Bill and I drink too much conflict free Chardonnay we fight.
I hate the irony of my forties.
p.s. Is it too late to rename my daughter Cochise? She’s twelve. Thanks.
6. Karen | April 24th, 2012 at 2:11 pm
I feel quite certain that my mom clothes give me away before I even sit down. I can pretend they don’t know, but everyone knows. I think maybe my comfortable clogs give me away.
7. suburbancorrespondent | April 24th, 2012 at 2:38 pm
When you take your oldest on a tour of his new college and you think, “Gosh, all those other parents look so middle-aged and out of it…” THAT is when it hits you: the enemy, it is us.
8. Peajaye | April 24th, 2012 at 5:20 pm
Frankly, Wendi, I’m disappointed in you for not pretending your minivan was an ironic prop bus for your indie girl-band “The Meno Pauses” or something like that.
9. Rochelle | April 24th, 2012 at 5:27 pm
oh lawd. Have you been spying on me? Still laughing…
10. Brenda | April 24th, 2012 at 5:39 pm
Ah, but when Merlin, Cochise and their ilk are the 40-year-old wankers, they will know, at last, that you and your friend were the coolest patrons in that wine bar 20 years ago.
11. mindy ellzey | April 24th, 2012 at 6:41 pm
Wendi. You are young enough to be my child. My oldest child is 40 And let me tell you what it’s like to be 60. FREEEEDOM!!
12. Libby | April 24th, 2012 at 7:10 pm
I want to give you a hug. Mostly so I can share my Oil of Olay with you. It’s the new oldie greeting.
The Vampire Weekend. Love it.
13. AimeeKay | April 25th, 2012 at 12:58 am
If any of them realized you are the awesome author of this blog they wouldn’t have let you drink you wine in peace.
14. Former Austinite | April 25th, 2012 at 1:23 am
The first time I realized I was getting older was when I was addressed as “Ma’m. I turned to my husband and said “who does that punk ass kid think he’s calling Ma’m.” Followed by “Nevermind” as my husband was laughing.
15. Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes | April 25th, 2012 at 5:28 am
Wait wayfarers are cool again? Crap, I can’t just keep up.
16. Stefani | April 25th, 2012 at 6:03 am
Totally been here and had the old-enough-to-be-their-Mom realization. Only it happens with work colleagues, as well. Sucks. But are you watching Girls on HBO? That’ll make you really glad you’re not in your 20s anymore.
17. Susan in the Boonies | April 25th, 2012 at 6:24 am
I’m so old, I remember when I USED to feel awkward being old enough to be a hipster’s mother. But now that I am one, I’m learning to accept being moved to the edge of the herd. Soon…when the wolves come…I’ll be thinned out….
18. Alexandra | April 25th, 2012 at 6:33 am
You still have hope, Wendi, and that will keep you young.
bwwaaapffft.
Sorry, couldn’t hold the coffee spitup much longer…
19. Becky | April 25th, 2012 at 7:21 am
Rehabbed Pitbulls? Isn’t that a rap singer? Or should I just shut up and sip on my gluten-free-range latte?
20. Jill | April 25th, 2012 at 7:24 am
Hilarious- and sadly, so true!!! Love it!
21. Krabies | April 25th, 2012 at 7:57 am
I think I still have your Wham sunglasses and you are not getting them back!
22. Well-Versed Mom | April 25th, 2012 at 7:58 am
The Honda Odysseys. Loved their last album. Or whatever you call it now. CD? download?
I’m reminded every day of my über-un-hipness by the people I work with: hipsters who could’ve been my kids if I’d gotten knocked up my junior year in high school. We also have a nice assortment of interns who could’ve been my offspring if I’d gotten pregnant in college.
*sigh*
23. Shannon | April 25th, 2012 at 8:56 am
Apocalyptica…remember that band name. Cooler than cool…strictly heavy metal cello, out of Finland…sometimes topless. Get with the times woman!
24. dusty earth mother | April 25th, 2012 at 11:46 am
My anti-aging serumed eyes are weeping at ‘Book Jacket Omelet’.
25. Leslie/Iris | April 25th, 2012 at 4:01 pm
I hate those Wayfarers. They always remind me of the beach volleyball scene in Top Gun…and Kenny Loggins. Dammit. Pass the anti-age serum.
26. Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him | April 25th, 2012 at 7:34 pm
I can’t even believe rehabilitated Pit Bulls take orders from owners named Merlin.
27. Plano Mom | April 26th, 2012 at 9:49 am
Kia Rondo with a “Coexist” sticker on the bumper and a peace sign in the window. And magnetic clip on sunglasses.
But at least I have all the right radio stations blaring, only because I let my son control the presets.
28. LC Aggie Sith | April 26th, 2012 at 10:12 am
Oh, hella no!
I have gone into hipster places and announced my 45 year old presence like the coming of freakin’…..
Hold on. I need to think of an enduring hipster here….
Oh yeah! LIKE FREAKIN’ ANDY WHARHOL!!!!
Totally works, because they know, and I know, that one day, it will be them doing it!!
29. rojopaul | April 26th, 2012 at 11:58 am
This is hilarious from start to finish. But I REALLY lost it with talk of “Monica’s Estee Lauder anti-aging serumed eyes.” Oh.My.Goodness.
30. the mama bird diaries | April 26th, 2012 at 7:06 pm
This is why i take my 1998 jeep cherokee when i drive to the city. Minivan must be left at home.
31. Marta | April 27th, 2012 at 10:30 pm
I’d like to round up all the hipsters in my make believe minivan and drive them over to their mothers house to get a proper scrubdown/dressing. But I don’t have time for that, I’ve got a book jacket omelet concert to try to sneak into.
32. Linda | April 29th, 2012 at 6:13 am
Okay, I was at this bar as well (I’m assuming the same from the photo!) when the “Sex in the City” crew arrived… hot, young, fancy bubbled drinks… I literally said “how are those 16-year-olds drinking?” Oh, wait, they’re not 16 and neither am I… sigh
33. tracy@sellabitmum | April 29th, 2012 at 11:24 am
I’ve got nothing to say her. I’m just laughing so hard because holy hell can I relate. With the fruit loops tee wearer of course. Right.
34. Pish Posh | April 29th, 2012 at 11:30 am
Oh you are much cooler than these hipster-dicks. You had me at dented Honda Odyssey. That is still making me laugh hard.
35. Suniverse | April 30th, 2012 at 12:13 pm
See? I just assume all the hipsters are my age, and then I’m exponentially cooler than they are because of course I am.
I do have to say that I’m glad I spent my 20s drunk, so if I were as painfully idiotic as today’s hipsters, I don’t remember it.
36. liz | May 8th, 2012 at 9:22 am
Just did a pitch in which we were told just before we walked in the door, “the client is looking for a hipster boutique agency.”
For the record, 50+ year old planners are not hipsters. Ok, I have black glasses, but they aren’t cool ray bans nor f*ck you cat eye.
I sucked in my menopausal pouchy stomach, rolled up the bottom of my jeans & dazzled them with my genius insight. Sigh…
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