Long Story Shorts

If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s people who take forever to tell a story. You sit there and sit there and listen to them rambling on for what feels like hours and then, nine times out of 10, there’s no real pay-off. Like the woman at my gym who breathlessly greets us every morning with, “You’ll never believe what happened to me last night!” and then twenty minutes later, we find out she stubbed her toe on a garden rake. Whoohoo. Thanks for the pot boiler there, Agatha Christie. I mean, is it wrong that one morning I hope her story ends with, “…and then the coyote ate my other fingers and I passed out in my own filth in the Ross Dress for Less fitting room”? Is it?

No, what I prefer is a brief story. A quick story. An abbreviated story. A story so abbreviated, in fact, that it’s hardly there at all. But it still packs a wallop. What I prefer is the brilliance of a Long Story Short.

Like these:

I went to get a pedicure this morning and, long story short, we have to be in Vietnam by Tuesday.

The oven smelled funny yesterday and, long story short, I no longer need to wax my eyebrows.

I put that package in my luggage and, long story short, Guantanamo Bay sure has a lot of mosquitoes this time of year.

So then he said “Paper or plastic?” and, long story short, the Jaws of Life are really good at cutting people out of shopping carts.

All I did was click on the link on the bottom of the page and, long story short, we’re now urban chicken farmers.

My brother was in New Orleans last week and, long story short, can you pick him up from dialysis tomorrow?

I saw the open drawer of money in the church office and, long story short, you’re going to make lots of friends at your new school in Mexico.

My husband got into a fight with his boss and, long story short, I need to borrow your pasties, clear heels and Def Leppard CD later tonight.

I had a shot of tequila at lunch and, long story short, Mr. Kenny Rogers is currently being served with a restraining order.

See how short and refreshing those are? I bet you didn’t even yawn once.

So do me a favor and leave a Long Story Short for me in the comments. Because I know you’re all a lot more entertaining than that woman at the gym. Oh, yes, you definitely are.

I told Wendi another 20 minute long story about a garden rake and, long story short, I won’t be needing a hairbrush anymore. 

See? Tell me a long story and make it short.

 

85 comments on this post.
  1. fadderly:

    lmao! long story short, you don’t want to hear any stories from me, then.

  2. hokgardner:

    I took my two little kids to Costco for “fun” this morning, and long story short, I won’t be buying paper towels in bulk or Gloria Vanderbilt jeans again any time soon.

  3. Kizz:

    Boss came in early while I was playing Scrabble on Facebook and, long story short, I’m wondering if this refrigerator box has WiFi.

  4. Cait:

    I took the kids for a walk this morning and, long story short, the neighbor has one less mole in her garden AND I think my “living things are not for stomping on” lesson has finally hit home.

  5. Candace:

    I’ve been job hunting lately and, long story short, I bought a great blue clutch and nail polish today.

  6. Traci:

    My 5 year old daughter asked if the doctor uses gloves to get babies out of women’t private parts since it is gross.

  7. Marta:

    True long story short, my 5 year old misheard me and called the lesbians: lazy beans.

  8. Pauline:

    My newly single father-in-law purchased a Ferrari last month, long story short, apparently Gonorrhea isn’t nearly as bad as Chlamydia.

  9. tracy@sellabitmum:

    There was a kind of flood on the kitchen floor yesterday, and long story short, our cat no longer lives with us.

    LOVE this post. xo

  10. Becky:

    I was blessed with two sons and long story short, the local police department now has our home phone on speed dial.

  11. Invader_Stu:

    I once went out for a jog, and long story short, police really do use the good cop/bad cop retune in real life.

  12. Jen:

    Fabulous post!
    I went to Target on Sunday to buy panty liners, long story short, I spent $150 on everything but feminine hygiene products.

  13. mindy ellzey:

    Long story short I went to great lengths at work welcoming and serving cake to the copy machine repairman who turned out not to be the Lieutenant Governor.

  14. Stephanie:

    We just bought a new house with some ill-placed windows, and, long story short, the neighbor guy and I know each other pretty intimately now.

  15. Cheryl:

    I didn’t sleep a wink last night, so long story sho . . .

  16. Myria:

    In middle school, a boy stole my friend’s hockey stick and, long story short, no one ever messed with me again until I graduated.

  17. Kristen:

    This one time my friend and I were drinking straight vodka, and, long story short, do you know how much paperwork is involved in getting released from a Russian prison?

  18. Elizabeth:

    I’ve been having trouble getting my 3 1/2 year-old to poopy on the potty and, long story short, a stomach virus will do wonders for curing that fear.

  19. By Word of Mouth Musings:

    Thought I be ‘groomed’ for dining with you at Erma Bombeck and, long story short, I’m now ready for a pole and pasties.

  20. Zee:

    I went to Costco on Sunday afternoon, long story short, even if you post bail Sunday night you can’t get out of jail until you see the judge Monday morning.

  21. Peyton Price:

    I wrote a haiku /
    to make a long story short /
    and had five beats left.

  22. Lissie @ Giggles & Screams:

    I have five little kids and, long story short, if I don’t stop now, my next car will be a church van.

  23. Lissie @ Giggles & Screams:

    I have five little kids and, long story short, if I don’t stop now my next car will be a church van.

  24. Theresa Collins:

    So the masseur said, “deep tissue or medium?” and long story short, I’m leaving my husband.

  25. Ninja Mom:

    I got my clean and dirty laundry mixed up and, long story, do I smell okay to you?

  26. Kathleen:

    I was bitching about long stories in my blog,and long story short, guess who created a new meme?

  27. poop and other things moms are obsessed with:

    I went to the gynecologist today and, long story short, my husband will need some ice for his crotch.

  28. anymommy:

    So funny. A boy asked me to Spring Fling Dance in eleventh grade and, long story short, four kids, a Great Dane and two mortgages wreaks havoc on your sex drive.

  29. Jennifer:

    Took the dog to the vet this morning and, long story short, we’ll need to find something to wear to Elton’s John’s Oscar Party next year.

  30. Leanne:

    I was in a hurry to meet the girls for drinks last night so I forgot to wear panties, long story short, never zip your jeans up on your pubes!

  31. Brett Minor:

    There is a woman at our church that can spin how she decided what to eat for breakfast that morning into a 30 minute story. I get it.

  32. Cass:

    But who HASN’T visited a Ross Dress for Less fitting room and not passed out in her own filth?

    I mean, it’s Ross. That’s why we go there.

    No? Am I the only one?

  33. Lacy:

    I logged onto the Internet… Long story short… I’m doing a hottie every single day at 4 pm…

  34. Zhutch:

    Cheryl (#15) I cracked up! well done!

    My two kids each wanted a bunny last year, long story short, do the 29 commentators above want a bunny?

  35. Kelley:

    I was reading your blog post and, long story short, the man who put the oxygen mask on my face had halitosis.

  36. Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes:

    Since it is secretary day in Belgium my boss got me some lovely flowers today, long story short : I’m getting a raise…

  37. sarah:

    I have 2 “rescued” dogs, long story short, they came this way, it’s not my fault.

  38. Amie:

    My kids and I had to run to Hobby Lobby to get supplies for a project, and long story short, we ended up coming home with a bunny….. That now lives in my kitchen.

  39. Sarah:

    I subbed for a second grade class yesterday and one of the boys had a major flip-out/tantrum. Long story short: during recess the rest of the class decided he had to sit in time-out under the bee hive.

  40. Sarah:

    Also, my sister is a person who can drag a story out Waaaaaaaay longer than is warranted by the point of the story. Now she has a blog. Her posts have chapters.

  41. anna:

    even worse than a long story teller is a long story teller who THINKS he is a short story teller.

    as soon as my father-in-law says “long story short” i know i will be there for awhile.

  42. Krabies:

    Long story short!
    Cars with no reverse must be parked in special places!

  43. Corporate Wife:

    Just bought a house in Westchester County and, long story short, I’m rocking the duct tape dress and flip flop look this summer.

  44. Laffin so Hard:

    I missed the meeting, and long story short, my boss is an alcoholic lesbian.

  45. Bronwyn:

    I didn’t used to believe in karma until I attended my high school reunion, ran into the girl who used to torment me and, long story short, Bitch has got crow’s feet and an ass like a Kardashian.

  46. barb sigel:

    My husband began a story with long story short and we’re married for 34 years so I can hear the freakin’ ending.

  47. Heather M.:

    We are all real pranksters in the office, long story short, I have a big ball of foil to put in the recyle bin when I get home.

    Pictures available.

  48. Peajaye:

    I was just answering my sister honestly when she asked me if she looked fat in her dress and, long story short, thank God the emergency room can remove fabric easily from anal cavities.

  49. Jester Queen:

    I left my son alone in front of the TV yesterday and, long story short, did you know it costs close to $500 to replace the carpet in a 12×20 room?

  50. Barb Best:

    I went to yoga class for the first time in three years, and long story short, Blue Cross Blue Shield now covers end-of-life care.

  51. Lidia:

    My parents met in the spring of 81′ and, long story short,
    I’m now expecting their 10th grandchild.

  52. Jaime:

    Went for an early supper last night…long story short, we now have a pub table and chairs from the local bar in our basement.

  53. Shan:

    My mom got off the cruise ship just fine but, long story short, she returned to the boat via wheelchair.

  54. Trish:

    Spain is gorgeous. I had a fabulous time but, long story short, I definitely won’t ride in the front seat with the creepy taxi driver next time I visit.

  55. Mel:

    One time at band camp…. oh heck, never mind!

  56. thedoseofreality:

    Play around on Twitter far too often, and long story short, I owe Joshua Molina pictures of my children with the TV show letters Scandal painted on their nails.

  57. Kristin Shaw:

    The dental hygienist mistook our nanny for my daughter today. Long story short, good thing she works for a dentist.

  58. Missy:

    Guy next to me on the plane would not stop talking when I was clearly uninterested, and long story short, those air marshalls really do take all threats very seriously.

  59. Megan:

    I’ve read all these comments and, long story short, I’m so not funny enough. These are hilarious, Wendi! Way to bring out the clever in your readers.

  60. Jessica:

    This post is hilarious! Long story short, I need a new pair of pants.

  61. WebSavvyMom:

    –>My husband bought me flowers on Valentine’s Day, and long story short, my son was born nine months later.

    deb

  62. WebSavvyMom:

    –>My boss is hard of hearing, and long story short, she know has hearing aids and I can’t mumble snarky comments under my breath anymore in meetings.

  63. Karen:

    We were the owners of 4 urban chickens and, long story short, our dog is now facing charges on capital chicken murder.

  64. Momof4Luds:

    Jaime #50, I want to hear the LONG version of this story!!

  65. Sue:

    I teach 6th grade. Long story short, I drink a lot.

  66. Leigh Ann:

    I found a little snake in the yard this morning, and long story short, the neighbors now have a new pet in their backyard.

  67. Evin Cooper:

    He forgot to buy diapers AGAIN, and, long story short, his t-shirt from that 1996 Metallica concert will never be the same.

  68. Poppy:

    I took a shot of tequila, long story short, I have a 13 year old with Rat Bastard DNA.

  69. Sue:

    I bought a washer & dryer from a guy who lived out in the sticks and, long story short, I now know how to convert a wall oven into a BBQ smoker.

  70. JC:

    My son has a speech impediment and long story short he thinks everyone needs a hooker. “A hooker in your room can help you take on and off your clothes… you can take a hooker fishing…”

  71. Beth:

    My six year old had two deep cavities requiring multiple dentist visits and, long story short, we now own four fish and a dog.

  72. the mama bird diaries:

    It was very quiet in the playroom this morning and long story short, the twins didn’t need breakfast because their stomachs were full of lip gloss.

  73. Gal:

    We went to Jamaica and got the kids a separate room and, long story short, it’s hard to get someone to replace a bed at 2am.

  74. Denise:

    I frequently forget to watch my mouth in front of the 3yo and, long story short, the other day he told my husband to be quiet or I would kick him (Hubby) in the balls.

  75. robin:

    took my son to the zoo, long story short not all gorillas like kittens

  76. Christine @ Quasi Agitato:

    I clicked over to read this blog post and, long story short, I’m standing in a puddle of my own pee with a smile on my face.

  77. Jeff:

    I signed up to play rugby last Fall, long story short, I couldn’t eat solid foods for a month and now I’m engaged.

  78. Erin@MommyontheSpot:

    My 3 year old son just figured out how to get water from the fridge, and long story short, he’s lucky he’s potty trained so we won’t be using his college money for diapers.

    Great post! Needed this laugh today!

  79. Kathie:

    We rescued a couple retired racing greyhounds and, long story short, half of a ground squirrel looks a lot like my husband’s socks.

  80. Holly:

    I like the way you think.

  81. Leslie:

    *I am not making this up*
    Neighbor across the street bought a new Maserati, and long story short, it takes a while to get a Maserati out of my front porch.

  82. Nancy Davis Kho:

    Went to the Erma conference in Dayton and, long story short, I’m now a majorette in a drum and bugle corps. Klassic! Bammo!

  83. Alexandra:

    I just figured it out.

    Your long story short is Wisconsin’s “next thing ya know…”

    LOVED SEEING YOU AT EBWW.

    You are just always going to be adorable.

    No matter what.

  84. Nevada Girl:

    Started taking steroids for non-serious illness, long story short, I have Ashley Judd poofy face and my husband is afraid of me.

  85. So, About My Roommate:

    [...] then I got to Miami, and since we all have lives to lead, and we have learned about making a long story short, let me fast forward to the point when I went to sleep and then woke up because it seemed that our [...]

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