Many years ago, I worked as a copywriter at an Austin advertising agency. This was in my young and stupid days when I had a lot of time on my hands, so my favorite thing to do was wait until my co-workers were away from their desks, then I’d run over and send company-wide emails from their accounts. I know. I was a total delight to have in the office.
Usually the emails were something random like, “Has anyone seen my Destiny’s Child t-shirt? I left it in the break room yesterday and it has SUPER AMAZINGLY HUGE sentimental value!!!!” Sent from my 55-year-old boss Jim’s computer.
Or, “FYI: I’ll be wearing my red suit tomorrow, so please bring your children in and let them sit on my lap for pictures!! (But don’t tell my parole officer—-heeheee!)” Sent from Manuel, the creepy intern’s computer.
Or, “Sorry about what I just did to the 3rd floor restroom. Fucking beans.” Sent from Mary, the elderly human resource manager’s computer.
Did I mention that I was laid-off from this particular job?
Anyway, the best email I ever sent was from my friend Kelly’s computer. Our office parking lot was surrounded by a forest of bamboo plants, so one day when she went out to lunch, I rushed over to her computer and sent an email to the entire company that said, “URGENT. Does anyone know if eating mass quantities of bamboo is harmful to humans?! Please advise because I’m dizzy. Thanx, peeps!!”
Two things then happened. One, the president of the agency read the email and immediately called Kelly’s desk to check on her. When nobody answered, she had her assistant frantically start calling hospitals to see if they’d admitted poor, bamboo chewing Kelly. And then I had to suck it up and slink my way to the CEO’s office and admit that it was actually me behind the super hilarious bamboo email. Boy, was that a fun 15 minutes.
And the second thing that happened was that Kelly gave me the silent treatment for about three weeks. Although, to be fair, she was probably more upset that the company president thought she was actually stupid enough to hunker down in the parking lot and snack on bamboo shoots than about the email itself. Which is completely understandable because she doesn’t even like Chinese food.
After that I never did the rogue email thing again, but I was reminded of it today when I tweeted this:
Now, I thought it was really clear that I was joking around, but I guess it wasn’t. Because in the few hours since I sent that tweet, I’ve received quite a few DMs, emails and replies advising me to call Poison Control and/or a veterinarian ASAP. So not only am I not funny, but at least more than a couple of people think that it’s entirely possible I’d swallow tuna-flavored medicine from a bottle with huge paw print and whisker graphics on it.
So, for the record and to clear up any and all embarrassment once and for all: Jim didn’t have a Destiny’s Child t-shirt, Manuel did not want children to sit on his lap, Mary did not clog the toilet, Kelly did not OD on bamboo and I most definitely didn’t accidentally inhale a cat pill today.
At least as far as I know.
My throat does feel a little hairy.