A few weeks ago, I was reading People magazine and saw this on their “Mailbag” page:
Two thumbs up to Mark Wahlberg for being so committed to his wife and four children. His dramatic transformation from troubled teen to bold rapper Marky Mark and now a loving dad is truly inspirational. He has become a great actor and, more importantly, a remarkable family man. As one of his biggest fans, I’m so proud of him.
Janice P., Cleveland, Tenn.
Which left me with two, huge burning questions in my head: Why is Mark Wahlberg calling himself Janice P. and just when did he learn how to type?
But honestly, I’ve long wondered what kind of person takes the time to not only write a kiss-ass letter like this, but actually mail it in to People magazine’s offices in NYC. Like, mail it in with an honest to God stamp. And envelope. That they’ve licked. With their tongue. I mean, who does that? (And I know Janice mailed it because People denotes if a letter was “via email” or not. Like the one “Linda” sent in saying she’s just “so sick” of Casey Anthony. Whoa. Bold statement there, Linda. Next you’ll send an email telling us that you’ve just “had it up to here” with that Hitler fella.)
I’ve long suspected that these letter writers are actually on the payroll of the celebrities they’re fawning over. I worked in Hollywood long enough to know how that rodeo goes. In fact, there are probably ten interns locked in the basement of the William Morris agency right this very second typing out letters to InStyle magazine about Mena Suvari’s “fresh approach to table linens!”
From American Pie cutie to her genius at folding whimsical linen napkins for bridal showers, Ms. Suvari is a true treasure! I’m so proud of her vast accomplishments!
Tallulah S., Egypt
Of course, that scenario is a lot more palatable than actual Super Fans like Janice milling about. Janice who has most likely decoupaged her bathroom walls with pictures of Bold Rapper Marky Mark wearing nothing but his Calvin Klein underwear and three nipples. In that respect, she has a lot in common with the brilliant Kathy Geiss from 30 Rock who also obsessively loves Mr. Wahlberg. (And unicorns.)
Side note: Is it bad that Kathy and I share the same hairstyle and ruddy complexion issues? Sigh. Tis the Norwegian curse to always look like a wind-chapped Viking.
But I guess I should stop being so judgmental about these fawning letter writers because everyone needs a hobby. In fact, now that I think about it, I could use a hobby because one can only spy on one’s neighbors so long before their eye bags start to bruise from the over-use of night vision binoculars. So maybe I should start writing fawning letters to the editor of People magazine, too.
Like maybe this one:
Kudos to that muscular guy who stars in that one show that everybody loves but then he had the boozing/prison/marijuana problem and now he has his life back on track and I’m so proud of him with his new reality show where he salsa dances with rescued pit bulls and oh my god I’m going to go plunge my body off a suburban Best Buy so I don’t have to write this crap for one more second. You go girl!
Wendi A., Austin TX
Anyone seen a stamp around here?