This I Believe. Today, Anyway.

by Wendi // February 24, 2012

I believe that you can’t catch flies with vinegar.

I believe that you can catch flies with honey.

I believe that if you’re trying to catch flies, you have much bigger problems than your fly catching methodology.

I believe in tearing out every perfume ad in a magazine before I start reading it.

I believe in then running those perfume ads through my shredder so my office smells like a Berber-carpeted bordello.

I believe that “Berber-carpeted bordello” is the next hot trend in home design.

I believe that I’ll always be charmed by people with thick southern accents calling me “Weendee.”

I believe that I’ll never be charmed by people with thick Vietnamese accents calling me “ugly hammer toe ladywrinkleface why she gottas the bad heels all da time?”

I believe that there will soon be a reality show about Costco sample workers called “One Per Customer, Bitch.”

I believe that my husband will be seen on that show, sprinting down an aisle with a stack of Kirkland ham slices in his cheeks and two pounds of mini-enchiladas in his fists.

I believe that if someone doesn’t want to be called “The Juicy Assed Unabomber,” that someone shouldn’t walk around the neighborhood wearing a pink velour hoodie and big rhinestoned sunglasses. Maryann.

I believe that when my hair’s not combed, I look like a San Diego weed dealer named “Stewie.”

I believe that when my hair’s not washed, I look like a San Diego meth dealer named “Jimbo.”

I believe that I should probably never set foot in San Diego.

I believe you should always dress for the job you want.

I believe that the Pocahontas-themed figure skating costume I’m wearing today is chafing my inner thighs.

I believe that if my Spin class instructor continues to play Train’s “Hey, Soul Sister” during class, I will smash her iPod with a 5-pound weight.

I believe that when I do this, I will be crowned La Queen of Spin Class.

I believe that when I am La Queen of Spin Class, I will be given all the motherf*#@ing Costco samples I want.

I believe that the day you go to the grocery store with a leaky nursing bra is the day you’ll be interviewed by the local news about the rise in milk prices.

I believe being interviewed about the rise in milk prices while you’re nursing is what’s called “cruel, delicious irony.”

I believe that local news reporters shouldn’t overreact when someone chucks a tub of low-fat cottage cheese at their microphone.

I believe that moviegoers who show up late and ask people to move seats should be pelted with handfuls of unpopped popcorn kernels.

I believe that moviegoers who talk during a movie should be pelted with handfuls of frozen Milk Duds.

I believe that moviegoers who are in the same theater as me should probably just show up dressed in major league catcher’s gear and sit in the front row.

I believe that if I wear matching socks, I will lose my mojo.

I believe that if I wear reading glasses, I will lose my mojo.

I believe that “mojo” is the name of my wine bottle opener.

I believe that Flo from the Progressive Insurance commercials is an agent of Satan.

I believe that because I said that, Flo is now crouched under my bed like a Capuchin monkey.

I believe that if I drink a Red Bull, I will have a heart attack.

I believe that if I drink a Red Bull with vodka, I will have a heart attack with no pants on.

I believe that I will definitely encourage my neighbor Maryann to drink a few Red Bull and vodkas this weekend.

I believe that spell check has now corrected the way I’ve spelled “believe” over 15 times.

I believe that I’m now pretty damn tired of my beliefs.

And I believe that you are, too.

 

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Comments

  4. I wanna be in your spin class. Frankly, I should just be in A spin class. But that’s beside the point. I’d so love to see your badass smash an iPod. Exercising would be worth it if I could witness that adult tantrum!

  5. I believe that once I drank a Red Bull and then 7 minutes later I took a nap.

    I believe this because it happened so not believing would make me insane.

    I believe that Red Bull was trying to kill me.

    I am not insane.

  6. Perfect. I believe this is perfect. Off to decorate my Berber-carpeted bordello—with scent. I’m shredding fragranced baby wipes, though. I’m out of fashion magazines with perfume inserts. I believe I ‘m doing it wrong.

  8. I believe this might be one of my favorite things ever. I believe that I might have just emailed it to my BFF with the subject line, “You will LOVE this.”
    I believe strongly that we would be great movie-going partners.
    I believe that the movie talkers should be pelted with their own snacks so as to not waste mine. Interrupted and hungry seems like I would leave bitter and hostile.

  9. I believe I am the emailed BFF mentioned by The Dose of Reality…and I, too, find this to be one of the funniest lists I’ve ever read!

    I believe that my BFF was once hushed by fellow movie goer…DURING THE ADS.(not the previews, but the still ads that play 20 minutes before the movie starts when the lights are still up)while she and her husband then talked through the entire actual movie.

    I believe that I would be amazed to make it out of a spin class alive no matter what music was playing.

    I believe that I can’t wait to go read more entries on your blog!!

  11. I believe I’m too fahkin’ tired to be pithy.

    I believe if you’re tossing food around, some should come in my general direction (see above for damn good reason).

  12. There is a drick (hic!) in Austin Town
    They call the Wendi Bull-Buster
    It’s voddy & shoddy and red with brown
    And swiffs ones duster to Thruster

    It’s been the ruin of many a poor Sans,
    And I know Manilow, I’m one,
    Lame-less with fluffy glans
    They’re lost, like me, I’m done.

  13. I believe I just read “ugly hammer toe ladywrinkleface why she gottas the bad heels all da time” with a Vietnamese accent.

  17. I think I’ll make it on the Costco show. I go up and get my kids samples of things I know they don’t like, act surprised (what? you don’t like burritos?), and eat both of theirs plus mine. Equals 3. I know.

  19. I believe Kristen is right. I too would have loved to have been there for this train of thought. Thanks for starting my weekend with a giggle and several cough inducing laughing fits!!

  23. Is Maryann a 67 year-old Greek lady from Vegas? Because it sounds a lot like something my mom would wear.

  24. I believe that I would like to be in your spin class and help you break the instructors Ipod. I believe that my 6 months as a waitress went way better due to my pre-shift consumption of Red Bull and Vodka. Weendee pass me the wine will ya darlin’..

  25. “I believe that Flo from the Progressive Insurance commercials is an agent of Satan.

    I believe that because I said that, Flo is now crouched under my bed.”

    This just totally cracked me up.:) So glad to know I am not the only one who thinks Flo is… bizarro.

  27. I believe rude ladies who reprimand me after the movie for not moving over for someone probably work at Costco giving out samples, which explains why they were so rude.

  29. “I believe that moviegoers who show up late and ask people to move seats should be pelted with handfuls of unpopped popcorn kernels.” AMEN, AMEN!!!!!!!

  31. I believe the only woman worse than Flo in the Progressive Commercials is the 1-800-Dentist lady.

    I believe that frozen Milk Duds is not necessary, since I have never opened a box that isn’t totally stale and thus hard as rocks.

  32. I believe that I really shouldn’t read Wendi Aarons’ website while at my coporate job, sitting in my cubicle on my lunch break, shooting diet coke out my nose while laughing out loud.

  33. I believe I passed Stewie and Jimbo at the park this morning on the way to work.

    Really, there are only a few thousand of them here in SD, and they mostly stay either in Ocean Beach or East County. The rest of us are (relatively) normal.

    Have no fear, Wendy. Come back to SD again to make us laugh.

  35. All I can say is this:

    The next time I’m in the mood for a little thigh-chafing, I know what I’m slipping into. (and it’s NOT a pink velour hoodie.)

    p.s. Costco still sells Pocahontas-themed figure skating costumes, right?

  37. I am also from San Diego and while I don’t know about the “normal” part (we are Californians) Karen is right – just avoid Ocean Beach and East County & you’ll fit right in! I believe you would, anyways 🙂 Almost no one will even notice if you don’t wash or comb your hair…

  38. I believe that Flo from the Progressive commercials is an evil robot from outer space and Maryann is her agent. shhh…she’s listening.

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