Check Mate

February 21st, 2012

As you may recall, a few months ago my husband wasn’t talking to me because I accidentally ordered 200 personal checks that looked like this:

He was a really big baby about it, but I guess that’s kind of understandable. After all, it was humiliating when we didn’t have any cash and had to write a $9 LL&TC check out to Madison G., the Girl Scout cookie pusher at our front door. (But did you have to roll your eyes and call us “weird lame-o’s,” Madison? No, you did not.) (Also, stop pissing off your best customers, genius. You’d be NOTHING without my dangerously unhealthy Thin Mint addiction. NOTHING.)

Anyway, we moved to a different house shortly after this check debacle and realized that we needed to order new checks again so our address was correct. We use online banking for most of our bills, but I still have to write the odd check to people like the lawn guy who’s slightly more old school than Chase Credit Card Services. And Lord knows I don’t want to miss a mothafokkin payment to the lawn guy again.

Proving that love is not only blind, but deaf, dumb and trapped inside a pillowcase with no discernible air holes, my husband then told me to just go ahead and take care of the check order by myself. “You trust me after what happened last time?” I asked.

“Sure. I don’t think anyone would be stupid enough to do that again,” he answered. “Not even you.”

Ahhhh—very sweet!

But not very smart. Because when I went online to order the new checks, I remembered his not so nice words. As well as the time he bellowed, “Livin’ large and takin’ charge!” when I got my sweater stuck on a grocery cart and had to get a pimply bag boy to unhook me. And how he again yelled, “Livin’ large and takin’ charge!” when my flotation device at the indoor waterpark capsized and I almost took out a 3-year-old with my big skirtini-ed ass.

So that’s why this happened:

We got 200 of them in the mail yesterday.

I’ll let you know how much he likes them.


Entry Filed under: Uncategorized


Add your own

  • 1. Gin  |  February 21st, 2012 at 11:24 am

    Oh Lawd!! I’m SO ordering our next round of checks!!

  • 2. Hokgardner  |  February 21st, 2012 at 11:25 am

    Not to be all fan girl and stalkery, but oh gah this is just awesome.

  • 3. Wendi  |  February 21st, 2012 at 11:28 am

    That is awesome! I need new checks. I am so writing something ridiculous and embarrassing on them. Mind if I use “livin’ large and takin’ charge”?

  • 4. Brett Minor  |  February 21st, 2012 at 11:38 am

    I once got the checks that looked like they had been drawn out with crayon by a four year old. I thought they were cute and would be great conversation pieces, but instead found that most people didn’t believe they were real and didn’t want to accept them.

    no one has a sense of humor anymore.

  • 5. Ninja Mom  |  February 21st, 2012 at 11:41 am

    Stop raising the bar on husband torture. I can’t keep up! I’m idling at floral-scented hand lotion poured into “fragrance-free” bottles. Last time he makes fun of my lavender, stress-relief lotion.

  • 6. Michelle  |  February 21st, 2012 at 11:44 am

    That is oh so awesome. I might have to “single white female” you on those, because our landscaping is handled by… (I kid you not) Alien Lawn Care!

  • 7. Suburban Snapshots  |  February 21st, 2012 at 11:47 am

    Doesn’t even matter. You win.

  • 8. Julia Steele  |  February 21st, 2012 at 11:47 am

    “I hope this check doesn’t bounce,” would also be good…

  • 9. Becky Rice  |  February 21st, 2012 at 12:00 pm

    As awesome as I think your new checks are…I’ll bet it’s inversely proportional to the amount your husband loathes them. #winning

  • 10. alexandra  |  February 21st, 2012 at 12:21 pm

    I am so annoyed with the how much my bank charges for checks (remember once upon a time when at least the ugly American Eagle ones were free?). You now have given me a reason to want to buy for them. Oh, the possibilities.

  • 11. Issa  |  February 21st, 2012 at 1:04 pm

    I love this one even more. Maybe don’t tell him. See how long it takes him to notice.

  • 12. Kristen  |  February 21st, 2012 at 1:09 pm

    Love. It.

  • 13. Suniverse  |  February 21st, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    Do they have Disney characters on them, too? Or Nascar?

  • 14. The Mommy Therapy  |  February 21st, 2012 at 1:42 pm

    Pure evil, amusing genius.

    Surely he’ll love them…or not. Either way you win. Fantastic.

  • 15. kate  |  February 21st, 2012 at 2:19 pm

    So much awesome.

  • 16. Tonya  |  February 21st, 2012 at 2:45 pm


    If he keeps annoying you, the next round of checks should read: ‘My husband lives off my money”

  • 17. Marinka  |  February 21st, 2012 at 4:37 pm

    Would it cost extra to add “Illegal” to the beginning of that sentence? Just thinking out loud.

  • 18. Marta  |  February 21st, 2012 at 7:55 pm

    I didn’t even know you could do this to your checks. I must consult you next time I reorder.

    And if he is upset, tell him at least you didn’t do Marinka’s suggestion about the illegals.

  • 19. Kim @The Fordeville Diaries  |  February 21st, 2012 at 8:32 pm

    The best part about this is the everyday usefulness of this information…as I stare at the last check in my current checkbook order…

  • 20. thedoseofreality  |  February 21st, 2012 at 9:03 pm

    You know I have a check order coming up soon. And it is my job to order them, too. My hubby has been kind of annoying lately. Off to plot my revenge! ;)

  • 21. Cheryl  |  February 21st, 2012 at 9:55 pm

    I’m stunned that you got new checks just because you moved. Call me crazy but I’m thinking this is all about payback for his public displays of amusement at your expense.

  • 22. tracy@sellabitmum  |  February 22nd, 2012 at 6:28 am

    LOVE – Also ‘for sexual favors’ is a fun one to have printed on them!

  • 23. Lela Davidson  |  February 22nd, 2012 at 7:22 am

    I only write checks to the school, so… this could be fun.

  • 24. dusty earth mother  |  February 22nd, 2012 at 8:07 am

    This is much awesomeness, and could only have been improved by the strategic placement of a jaunty apostrophe, i.e., “aliens abductin’ my money”.

  • 25. Lisa Bonnice  |  February 22nd, 2012 at 8:39 am

    Shoot, I still haven’t ordered new checks and we got married (name change) AND moved to a new address since the last order. This blog makes that PIA job look fun again.

  • 26. Brittany  |  February 22nd, 2012 at 8:53 am

    Oh my gosh. So freakin funny.

  • 27. Alexandra  |  February 22nd, 2012 at 9:11 am

    I keep thinking how you need to do a whole slew/montage of these like you did for the halloween hearts.

    I know, 17 hours blah blah blah.

    But how funny you could get:

    Drawn on the account with all the money I make for blogging.

    How ya gonna pay for this? With your good looks? Why yes.

    My sidebar helped pay for this.

  • 28. Nancy Davis Kho  |  February 22nd, 2012 at 9:12 am

    You forgot the tagline: “But thanks to FDIC, what’s left in the bank is still rock solid. I think.”

  • 29. Taylor  |  February 22nd, 2012 at 9:25 am

    OMG, I’m 129% in logve with you right now.

  • 30. Susan in the Boonies  |  February 22nd, 2012 at 9:43 am


  • 31. ChecklistMommy  |  February 22nd, 2012 at 9:43 am

    HI-larious. Thank you!

  • 32. Cesar Diaz  |  February 22nd, 2012 at 10:13 am

    Oh great, I just shared your blog with my fiance…and she is about to order checks.

  • 33. kathykate  |  February 22nd, 2012 at 10:58 am

    am so impressed he even noticed the creative licensing on the checks at all!

  • 34. Anne  |  February 22nd, 2012 at 11:37 am

    I so needed a rowdy, tears streaming laugh after a run of baaaad days. After a good dose of your twitter feed, the image of the sweater stuck and the husband bellowing, I feel ready to rejoin the human race. Have been meaning to get over here for months via prompts from The Empress. Thank you for saving me with laughter.

  • 35. julie gardner  |  February 22nd, 2012 at 12:15 pm

    You know what made my husband mad? When I used a check from our home equity line to pay for $157.00 worth of magazine subscriptions we didn’t need.

    Just one lousy check. Sheesh.

    It was almost like he didn’t care that the poor teenager at the door needed just a little more help (like $157-worth) and then she’d be on her way to Paris. Or some other Europe-y place.

    Maybe it was Morocco, actually.
    Or Bakersfield?

    Anyway. He made fun of me at dinner parties for a long, long time.

    Which is why we don’t have people over anymore. And also why I, too, keep my love in an airless pillowcase.

    p.s. We’re still getting Cat Fancy, if you’re interested.

  • 36. the mama bird diaries  |  February 22nd, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    You are one brilliant lady.

  • 37. Babs  |  February 22nd, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    you slay me, woman! freakin’ hilarious!

  • 38. Sharon  |  February 22nd, 2012 at 1:59 pm

    Wendi, your insights about our collective human condition are a complete riot + you have collected fans who add lol comments. Ditto: genius! Keep ‘em coming.

  • 39. Mauigirl  |  February 22nd, 2012 at 2:35 pm


  • 40. Tammy  |  February 22nd, 2012 at 3:42 pm

    Your husband has a better sense of humor than mine did when my checks came in and read…”Gold digger at work” Yeah, he didn’t find that funny!

  • 41. Invader_Stu  |  February 22nd, 2012 at 4:40 pm

    Simply brilliant :D

  • 42. Heather  |  February 22nd, 2012 at 8:02 pm

    That’s beautiful…

  • 43. Diane - It's All Good Until You Burn Dinner  |  February 23rd, 2012 at 8:03 am

    My husband is so glazed out when he writes checks, he wouldn’t even notice this. Be glad your husband is at least conscious.

  • 44. WebSavvyMom  |  February 23rd, 2012 at 9:01 am

    –>Whenever I have to write a check to a friend I always put in the for category:

    “Sexual Favors”

    It’s especially rewarding when it’s only for $15.

  • 45. Peajaye  |  February 23rd, 2012 at 9:30 am

    As a fellow Fannilow, I’m a little disappointed you didn’t go with: “I am Music, and I write the checks.”

  • 46. Andi  |  February 23rd, 2012 at 10:12 am

    Oh God, I love it! Also happy to hear that I am not the only one with a Thin Mint addiction!

  • 47. Catherine  |  February 24th, 2012 at 1:44 pm




  • 48. Kelly  |  February 28th, 2012 at 2:18 pm

    Hilarious, as always!!

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