Yeah, that’s right, I’m talking to you, you stupid bag of tiny oranges. Because once again, you tricked me into buying you at the grocery store and once again, you’re now sittin’ pretty on my kitchen counter all smug-like and shit. Thinking you’re all cool with your Day-Glo colored skin and your juicy little insides. Oh, man, how I hate you, you dumbass oranges. I f–king hate you.
There I was, just pushing my cart through the fruit and vegetable section like a regular suburban schmo, and as per usual, you saw me coming. Oh, you most certainly did. “Here’s that blonde chump again!” you giggled to one another. “Quick! Look like you’re full of age-defying Vitamin-C so the old crone picks us up!” And of course I did. I always do. Like a GROWN ASS SCHNAUZER-FACED FOOL I DO.
Every other freaking week, I buy a $6.00 bag of you miserable Clementines. And every other freaking week, I don’t eat even a single one of you creepy little bastards. That’s why you want to go home with me, isn’t it? Isn’t it?! Because instead of getting eaten, you can just hang out in the kitchen telling lame-o knock-knock jokes to the idiot bananas until you turn moldy and I throw you away. Oh, yeah, Orange Foolius, don’t even think that I don’t know your strategy. You look all enticing and healthy and shit in the grocery store, then once I get you home, boom. The psycho citrus game playin’ begins.
“Looking for a snack, lady?” you hiss into my ear when I stagger into the kitchen at 1:00 a.m. “How about the Cheez-Its? They’re just like oranges, but all you have to do is stick your hand into the box. None of that nasty peeling and manual labor like with us. Eating us takes time and concentration. So just put your hand in the box…there you go…that’s a good girl….now go stuff your big fat pie face with the crackers…hahahahahaha! High five, Orangemen! WE RULE!!”
Assholes.
But you know what, Clementines? I’m sick of it. S-I-C-K sick of it. I’m sick of wasting my money, I’m sick of my husband asking “Are those oranges only for display? Why not just flush $6.00 down the toilet every week and save yourself the trouble, genius?” and I’m sick of constantly wondering if that red rash on my foot is scurvy due to a severe vitamin deficiency. So here’s what I’m going to do, my friends. Listen up because I will not be repeating myself.
Step 1:
Blast a little “Slow Ride” by Foghat for mood music.
Step 2:
Cut you fuckers out of your little plastic safety net.
Step 3:
Find the leader of the Clementine Resistance Army.
(AKA the dilweed wearing the UPC code sticker and the smug expression.)
Step 4:
Grab a large kitchen knife for show, then put it away when you gasp.
Suckers.
Step 5:
Start with the leader, then slowly and methodically peel the rind off of
every single one of you glossy orange freaks.
(With frequent pauses to cruelly chortle and/or clean up my work space.)
Step 6:
Shove each evil Clementine section into my mouth until you’re all destroyed and I have a gallon of juice running down my chin and severe intestinal issues.
Step 7:
(There is no Step 7 because I will probably be at Urgent Care.)
So that’s it, Clementines or Mandarin Oranges or Faux Tangerines or Cuties or whatever you pathetic losers are calling yourselves this week. That’s my airtight plan that I’ll be enforcing RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND!! (Or, more realistically, right after the UPS guy comes because I don’t want to miss him and have to deal with their crazy phone system, etc. etc.)
Now kiss each other good-bye, Clementines! Make your peace with the apples and lemons in the fruit bowl and prepare to meet your Citrus Maker in that great orange grove in the sky (or Northern Mexico)!
Because it’s go time, jackasses. IT’S GO TIME.
I think you crazy lady.
(But the same thing happens at my house.)
Oh, man, I cannot keep those things in stock in my house. We can easily go through 5 of them in one sitting with just the kids. But I’ll still side with you. Those sneaker effers always changin their name!
You mean the stupid things aren’t for show? I’ve been buying them to decorate my counters, too. I thought the mold was part of the look. I never realized I could eat them.
half the fockers are moldy in that stupid bag anyway.
Can you come over to my house?
I’ve got an avocado, a coconut, and something I think they call a “persimmon” rotting in the fruit bowl that I’d like you to take care of.
(And maybe that hamster I was suckered into buying?)
I got my little bitches for $3.99 this week. Quite a bargain for temporary kitchen decorations, huh?
I think its time for a cutie massacre in here in “Orange County”. They’ve got it coming, alright.
I need to send the Honey Badger to live with you. She loves to peel all the clementines in the house. Unfortunately, she refuses to also eat them, and the big kids don’t like theirs pre-peeled.
I feel like yo0u should watch the printer scene from Office Space for inspiration.
I always fall for the fuckers when they’re in a wooden crate.
Next time you buy clementines send them to me. I’ll eat them.
Hate to break it to you, but they’ll still get the final word in the form of being all gross and stuck under your fingernails for days. DAYS!
I do that this time of year when it comes time for the local FFA chapter to sell fruit. I’m always buying a 40lb box of oranges a 20 lb box of grapefruit and a box of apples.
And then it goes to waste.
This year, they didn’t come knocking on my door….and I didn’t call them although I am twitching and resisting the urge to pick up the phone right now.
It’s a hard habit to break.
“Orange Foolius” = One of Maria Von Trapp’s new favorite things.
Or mine.
And they *say* they are easier to peel than oranges, but unless they are peeling themselves, it’s still a lot of work.
Ok. I love this post. The pure rage is fabulous, as I too have been duped by those useless wanna-be oranges…
Also, just want to let you know I am listing your blog as one of my Top 7 Favorite Blogs (in the form of a pingback), as a part of this 7×7 Award thing that came my way yesterday. No need to acknowledge unless you want to – I just really like your blog (found it through The Flying Chalupa). Cheers!
Bwahahahaha.
If I buy clementines they always get eaten. But do I buy bananas that generally sit uneaten every single freaking week.
I seriously cannot walk past a display of those Orange Foolius without buying some. They sit in the cart and snicker, “Suckaaaaaa!”
My favorite part:
Step 7:
(There is no Step 7 because I will probably be at Urgent Care.)
I love telling you my favorite parts.
I love clementines. But I still don’t understand why we have to buy so many of them. Can’t they be sold separately?
P.S. You seem a little on edge. Definitely don’t hire the Clementine Moving Company. Not your cup of tea.
Rage on Wendi! You do it so well. My husband says the same about me. I know you feel better after getting that off your chest.
No…it’s the celery at our house…I gave up on citrus fruit long ago…well there was the incident with the lemons I planned on putting in my water for flavor but that’s past history. I can’t seem to stop buying celery. Stick it in the drawer and two weeks later throw it away still in the bag. A few random stalks may get cut up into a roast but then the roast tastes funny. Like all healthy or something.
Hey…hey clementine….clementine….hey clementine…..KNIFE!!! Sorry, I was picturing Annoying Orange while reading this. 🙂
At this house, the Orange Guerilla Army (that’s BZT in their native language) is aided by insiders in the form of my children. My fruit-and-veg deprived kids each eat one of the BZT in November and say, “I love these!” So, like an idiot, I continue to buy them, even though they never eat a second one. It’s like some sort of pact they have – “we’ll sacrifice one of ours if you’ll play your part.”
On the other hand, stuck into a hurricane class and with a candle driven through the heart of their leader, they can make a festive holiday display.
I recently decided to start taking these little fuckers to work to avoid home rot and help me keep my jittery quarter filled fingers away from the vending machine. Just so you know they take the win there too. In a cube farm, the second you violate a Clementine you get a chorus of “Do you smell oranges?” and “I think someone has an orange”. It kind of makes you want to stand up on your chair and make an announcement first.
“I’m eating a fucking orange.”
Brilliant! If you really want to show them who’s boss, next time pull out your Best of Barry Manilow CD and play that instead of Foghat. That’ll show ’em! tee hee hee
My kids steal my iPhone and play Annoying Orange YouTube videos in my car in the endless hours we shuttle back and forth to activities. Felt like I was in one of these macabre scenes as I read your love note to the orange. Priceless!
i always find the promise of a section dipped in honey can get me through the most arduous of the manual peeling labor
Mine aren’t the Clementines, mine are the freaking Apples!
Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
Too soon?
You should know that those creepy little suckers don’t just target blondes. “We’d look so pretty and healthy in your new kitchen, Red”, they say. Turns my head every time. They don’t look so pretty and healthy covered in mold, let me tell you.
This is so ripe. My kids are clementine snobs. If I don’t buy the Cuties, they won’t eat them. And hell if I’m going to.
The same thing happens when we buy those! I haven’t gone to war with them yet, but every time we buy them, they sit around until they mold and a new bag is purchased the following week. They’re evil little bastards!
Remind me never to upset you or falsely advertise you anything.
I have the same issues with kiwi’s. They are mean little bastards
Umm…this is so weird and hysterical. I alternate between eating them obsessively and watching them rot so I always feel a little dangerous buying a full box/bag of them. You just never know how it’s going to turn out.
Just say no Wendi. Don’t buy them any more!
Or do, just keep writing about it.
Do you think if I wrapped myself up in a flimsy plastic safety net that my husband and kids would ignore me, too.?
I could use a little downtime. Or mold.
Call it what you will.
Yup, it’s when they come in the crate that I’m overpowered each season. Too cute! (Love the Fruit-apormorphism, Wendi. This one was marvelous.)
I feel your pain. It’s like you want to be the person who eats clementines, but you’re not. I always want to be the person who eats salad, but it gets all frozen in my fridge.
I assumed when opening this post that you were declaring war on the clemetines due to allergies. I now know the truth.
In my house (and at work) these little bastards never last longer than three days (but don’t tell the ones in my kitchen who have been given an extra day of life by mistake). I consider myself KillerQueen of clementines. Muhahaha!
Sorry to hear about your war on citrus fruit…I can’t get over how you just glossed over the fact that your husband called you a Genius!!! Please impart to me all your wisdom regarding this!
My war is with salad…it sits in the fridge unil it gets brown and gross looking!
my husband and i watched an episode of lockup (the reality show about prisons and whatnot) where the prisoners were smuggling out fruit from the cafeteria and letting it rot to make alcohol. they totally drank it to get drunk. we couldn’t believe that we had been wasting all that ‘juice’ from our languishing produce. we had no idea that we could use it to reduce our weekly liquor bill. i mean, a good bottle of wine can set you back 15 bucks, but you can get equally drunk on that $6.00 bag of clementines. so, you’re really saving money!
That photo was especially hilarious…I’m cracking up that even in your rage you took the time to rearrange the little fuckers.
Hilarious. I eat about 4 clementines a day. Now bananas, on the other hand, are truly evil.
If you separate them carefully, they won’t mold. They dry up until they are withered, hard little projectiles. Then you throw them at the neighbor’s cat when it comes over to fight with your cat.
I hate when they’re packed in the wooden crate. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? I don’t know which recycling bin it qualifies for, and if I – God forbid – throw it away, someone is going to pelt me with…Clementines.
Loved step 2.
I only bought two. They are sitting in my fruit drawer in my fridge, hiding under the one grapefruit I bought.
Stupid citrus.
I don’t know how I missed this, but it’s my favorite post in the universe. Fucking clementines looking so fancy in their boxes.