Good evening and thank you all for coming to this special emergency meeting of the Applewood Elementary PTA! I’m PTA President Laura Spellman and if you haven’t heard of me before, it’s probably because you’re not very involved in our school or in your children’s activities. Which is perfectly fine, of course! Picking up your slack is just part of my job as president and I’m more than happy to do it.
Now, I know you’re probably all wondering why you had to drag yourselves down to the school on a rainy Tuesday night and miss the Manilow tribute on Glee. “Why, Laura? Why tonight? Don’t you know that Puck’s doing a mash-up of Weekend In New England and Gangsta’s Paradise with the Cheerios tonight?” Well, of course I do, I’m not a freaking moron. But unfortunately the rest of the PTA board doesn’t care about your happiness because they’ve instead called this big meeting to vote for my impeachment. Oh, yes—an actual impeachment in the PTA! Isn’t that just adorable? It’s like the Carnival Committee thinks they’re the fucking U.S. Senate all of a sudden. And those dilrods wouldn’t know a filibuster if it bit them on their periomenopausal asses, am I right? Ha, ha, ha!
But seriously, we must always remember that democracy is what makes this country great even when people are using it for mangy, self-serving power grabs, so let’s get the night’s proceedings underway. Please refer to the flyers given to you by Vice President Mindy and Sergeant-At-Arms Tiffany while I indulge them by addressing the ludicrous charges against me.
Allegation number one: “Cupcake-gate.” Oh, real original there, Tiffany. You’re Applewood Elementary’s answer to Woodward and Bernstein now, I see. Anyway, it would seem that I’m being accused of marching into a kindergarten classroom and throwing away Ella Tompkin’s birthday cupcakes because they weren’t fancy enough. This is completely false. I mean, yes, I trashed them, but only because Mrs. Tompkins didn’t bake them herself. Rather, she bought them at a mini-mart located near an I-35 off ramp. Yeah, let that sink in for a minute or two, folks. Then kiss my big white ass for saving your precious 6-year-old from Type 2 Diabetes and a liver swimming in Red Dye #40. Moving on.
Allegation number two: “Violation of the separation of church and state.” Well, girls, all I have to say about this is if you don’t like the glitter mural of Jesus riding a dinosaur that I painted on the science lab wall, then you obviously have bigger problems in your life than the PTA. I’ll continue to pray hard for your children.
Allegation number three: “Misappropriation of Funds for Plastic Surgery.” Well, big freaking whoop if I used the $900 we made from the Spring Bake Sale for a little “freshening up.” Honestly, people! After scouring 100 brownie tins for nut residue and baking 15 gluten-free “Death By Chocolate” cakes, I think I’m entitled to at least a few cc’s of Botox and some eye bag surgery. Not every woman enjoys looking like Andy Rooney after a night in a Bangkok whorehouse, Mindy.
Allegation number four: “Sexual Harassment of Custodial Staff.” All I need to say about this is Mr. Jose and I have an understanding. Next.
Allegation number five: “Ineligible for Office.” It would seem that per Applewood Elementary’s PTA bylaws, Article X, section 3, paragraph 9(a), “a person who does not actually have a child enrolled in the school is not allowed to hold office.” Well, that is true. And I admit that unlike you lucky people, I don’t have a child in this school or in any other school. Nor do I have a husband, a house, a car or parents who didn’t disown me in college for briefly marrying a Norwegian Rastafarian. But I’ll tell what I do have to offer this school and that’s my devotion, my commitment and my overwhelming, borderline obsessive LOVE.
Plus the six months of sexts and dirty pictures that I hacked from all of your jackass cell phones.
Now, who’s ready to vote?!
Wow. Now that’s one PTA meeting I wouldn’t mind going to.
Obviously the names have been changed to protect yourself from the mob of PTAers who know where you live. (Are you Tiffany?)
I think Miss Laura just might be your next governor.
There must be wine at your PTA meetings. Can I come?
I want to hear more about that Jose.
Dude. I’d like to commission of glitter Jesus’ for my office.
Classic Wendi Awesome.
Oh I love this x
The 99% have spoken their outrage of the hypocrisy of the Elite! Down with Miss Laura! Oh, there are 37 on the PTA board, and that means she is more than 1%. Damnit, where is the calculator…
…and all the sexty pics?
$900.00 for freshening up? Sign me up…OH wait she took from them kiddies…
Well can I come to the next meeting? I promise to bring some wine and maybe some hard liquor instead. It will liven things up a bit.
$900 would be a steal for a PTA president. That is one job that should NOT be volunteer!! Could not pay me enough though…
One of my all-time favorites, Wendi!
You know, anything PTA from Wendi..er…you, I am in love with.
And this is tongue in cheek, but oh boy it smacks of real life.
Which is exactly the reason I love it: SOMEONE is finally saying it.
High five to your awesomeness, always.
Wendy, THIS is a gem. I laughed so damn hard, 1) because it’s fucking spot on funny about PTA (or PTO here) and 2) this is why I refuse any offers to join/be elected.
And the children in my schools happen to adore my mini mart bought cookies!
You are the best.
To take over the PTA hack all member’s phones and use as blackmail. Got it. Thank you for this view in the inner workings of the PTA, I’m sure it will come in usefull for when I’m forced to join the one at my kids school…
In regards to allegation number 4: It’s not sexual harassment if they like it.
Allegation #4…hilarious!
Oh, the memories . . . I’d go, even without a kid in the school, and vote for impeachment and, yes, imprisonment! In a mini-mart gulag, with no Botox and a carb and fat-laden diet!
No escape, either, and no adult company, and no anesthesia of any kind — especially alcohol!!
I’m off to make myself a Mame Dennis Burnside Memorial Martini now. That should get things calm.
My personal favorite is being introduced to a PTA bitch and having them give me their limp handshake with a sneering, “Oooh, how long has your child been at this school? I’ve never seen you at a meeting.” And you won’t in the future either!
Great post!
I only came to this meeting for the free Spaghetti dinner. Can you please pass the parmesan when you’re done having your breakdown?
The cupcakegate and the bake sale details are shockingly realistic! Now I’m having flashbacks.
Bliss! This is a great post.
So, you’ve got your own Celia Hodes, huh?
You can use my nut-free banana bread money for “freshening” any day of the week, Wendi. You’re worth it.
Allegation Number 2 – Hil.arious.
My daughter started Kindergarten this year. I am kind of intimidated by that whole PTA scene. . . as I seewith good reason.
I can’t wait until the new business section of my next PTA Meeting so I can read this outloud.
Oh wait. That means I’d have to attend a PTA meeting.
Fuck that.
I am attending my first PTA meeting next week. I am afraid. Very, very afraid.
Mr. Jose. Sigh.
Also, there’s a mom here that no longer has children in any of the schools [yes, plural] she volunteers in. I’ll just leave you with that thought.
It might be necessary for me to infiltrate a PTA.
I knew this time would come.
If only because I believe every child deserves a glitter mural of Jesus riding a dinosaur on their wall.
And if I’m not going to give it to them, who will?
wait a second… i thought you were really mr. ken coffman. but it appears now… are you really laura spellman?
Please tell me this really happened!! Cause. OMG.
You know, Wendi, I’m scared of your involvement with the PTA. One day, you’re going to disappear and I’m going to point the FBI in the PTA’s direction for you.
However, this was HILARIOUS and I appreciate you sacrificing the safety of you and your family for our enjoyment.
PS – I think my high school actually had a glitter mural of Jesus riding a dinosaur.
I knew there was a reason to run for PTA President! Botox and boob jobs don’t pay for themselves!
I would have found this hilarious anyway BUT as a former PTA President (2 years. Can you spell ‘sucker?’) I REALLY appreciated it. Will re-post like mad.
I love this more with each reading.
High kick.