Good evening and thank you all for coming to this special emergency meeting of the Applewood Elementary PTA! I’m PTA President Laura Spellman and if you haven’t heard of me before, it’s probably because you’re not very involved in our school or in your children’s activities. Which is perfectly fine, of course! Picking up your slack is just part of my job as president and I’m more than happy to do it.
Now, I know you’re probably all wondering why you had to drag yourselves down to the school on a rainy Tuesday night and miss the Manilow tribute on Glee. “Why, Laura? Why tonight? Don’t you know that Puck’s doing a mash-up of Weekend In New England and Gangsta’s Paradise with the Cheerios tonight?” Well, of course I do, I’m not a freaking moron. But unfortunately the rest of the PTA board doesn’t care about your happiness because they’ve instead called this big meeting to vote for my impeachment. Oh, yes—an actual impeachment in the PTA! Isn’t that just adorable? It’s like the Carnival Committee thinks they’re the fucking U.S. Senate all of a sudden. And those dilrods wouldn’t know a filibuster if it bit them on their periomenopausal asses, am I right? Ha, ha, ha!
But seriously, we must always remember that democracy is what makes this country great even when people are using it for mangy, self-serving power grabs, so let’s get the night’s proceedings underway. Please refer to the flyers given to you by Vice President Mindy and Sergeant-At-Arms Tiffany while I indulge them by addressing the ludicrous charges against me.
Allegation number one: “Cupcake-gate.” Oh, real original there, Tiffany. You’re Applewood Elementary’s answer to Woodward and Bernstein now, I see. Anyway, it would seem that I’m being accused of marching into a kindergarten classroom and throwing away Ella Tompkin’s birthday cupcakes because they weren’t fancy enough. This is completely false. I mean, yes, I trashed them, but only because Mrs. Tompkins didn’t bake them herself. Rather, she bought them at a mini-mart located near an I-35 off ramp. Yeah, let that sink in for a minute or two, folks. Then kiss my big white ass for saving your precious 6-year-old from Type 2 Diabetes and a liver swimming in Red Dye #40. Moving on.
Allegation number two: “Violation of the separation of church and state.” Well, girls, all I have to say about this is if you don’t like the glitter mural of Jesus riding a dinosaur that I painted on the science lab wall, then you obviously have bigger problems in your life than the PTA. I’ll continue to pray hard for your children.
Allegation number three: “Misappropriation of Funds for Plastic Surgery.” Well, big freaking whoop if I used the $900 we made from the Spring Bake Sale for a little “freshening up.” Honestly, people! After scouring 100 brownie tins for nut residue and baking 15 gluten-free “Death By Chocolate” cakes, I think I’m entitled to at least a few cc’s of Botox and some eye bag surgery. Not every woman enjoys looking like Andy Rooney after a night in a Bangkok whorehouse, Mindy.
Allegation number four: “Sexual Harassment of Custodial Staff.” All I need to say about this is Mr. Jose and I have an understanding. Next.
Allegation number five: “Ineligible for Office.” It would seem that per Applewood Elementary’s PTA bylaws, Article X, section 3, paragraph 9(a), “a person who does not actually have a child enrolled in the school is not allowed to hold office.” Well, that is true. And I admit that unlike you lucky people, I don’t have a child in this school or in any other school. Nor do I have a husband, a house, a car or parents who didn’t disown me in college for briefly marrying a Norwegian Rastafarian. But I’ll tell what I do have to offer this school and that’s my devotion, my commitment and my overwhelming, borderline obsessive LOVE.
Plus the six months of sexts and dirty pictures that I hacked from all of your jackass cell phones.
Now, who’s ready to vote?!