All Hail the Room Mom!
September 14th, 2011
Well, people, it’s finally happened. After 10 years of screaming, “No f*#@ing way!” and crouching in bathroom stalls like a toothless hillbilly on the run from Walmart security, I’ve been caught. Yep, lassoed like a premenstrual goat. Corralled like a wrinkly sheep. Tasered like a…OK, this is clearly getting worse by the second, so I’m just going to stop and say this: I, Wendi Aarons, have just officially become the fourth grade Room Mom.
Praise the lord and pass the ammunition.
It’s Go Time, wankers.
My first clue that this was a moronic idea was that the person who asked me to do it is also the person who got me to sign up for the famous triathlon where I almost met my maker wearing bike shorts and a discount sports bra. You’d think that after that fiasco I’d have this person’s phone number and email blocked and a restraining order against her, but nooooo. Not me! Not Jackass Aarons! Because I’m just too freakin’ nice, my friends. That’s what my problem is. Too freakin’ NICE. I blame my stupid Norwegian blood and North Dakota upbringing for that bullshit.
The second clue that this was a moronic idea was that the school had to do a background check on me to make sure I wasn’t a convicted felon or something. Because everyone knows that convicted felons are just horrible at organizing birthday cupcake day, right? And despite my high hopes, OF COURSE I passed the dumb background check with flying colors (See: Too Freakin’ Nice, Wendi.) Of course I did. And that pisses me off to no end because lord knows I’ve had plenty of opportunities to break the law over the years. Pluh-enty. For the love of God, I worked in Hollywood for seven years—I should have been selling eight balls to Matt LeBlanc! Helping Wesley Snipes commit tax fraud! Cheating the cast of Blossom out of their life savings via my “Magic Penis Growing Beet Juice” Ponzi scheme! But no, no I decided to be “law abiding.” Decided to not become a fence for my hairy neighbor’s stolen television sets. Decided to not tell FEMA I lost a Picasso in the Northridge earthquake. I know—what an idiot. Now I don’t have even the slightest criminal record, so guess what? I get to spend my February locked in a dark room decorating 2,000 crappy tissue boxes for the Spring Fling. Well played, Wendi. Well played.
But you know what? You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to make the best of this gig. Yep, I’m going to just suck it up and deal with it. I’m going to be the Best Room Mom this fourth grade class has ever seen. The Uber Room Mom. The Super Room Mom. The Acts Like She’s On Lots of Meds But Really Isn’t Room Mom. And those little kids’ heads will be spinning from all the efficiency and elan I bring to their big field trip to the Alamo. “Who wants another organic juice box and gluten free cookie?” I’ll say. “I bet Davy Crockett would have hated high fructose corn syrup, too! Ha, ha, ha! Your nose is running again, Ethan.”
And then in 12 years, when I get the kids’ thank you notes saying, “If it wasn’t for the awesome way you decorated our classroom door, I never would have gotten into Harvard Law, Mrs. Aarons!” well, my nine months of blood, sweat, tears and homemade box wine will have been almost worth it.
So that’s why I’m sending out a email to the rest of the parents in our class today introducing myself and telling them of my big plans for the year. I’m including this picture of me to show my competence and ease around children:
(Me, at Great Wolf Lodge. The wine in my hand was for medicinal reasons. The wolf ears show that I’m “fun” and “friendly to animals.”)
In my email, I’m also going to tell the parents that I need to collect money to use for classroom parties and teacher gifts this year and that they should each write a $50 check. Made out to “The Bellagio Casino, Las Vegas, c/o Wendi Aarons.”
Oh, is that illegal?
I sure hope so.
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized
55 Comments
Add your own1. Mandy | September 14th, 2011 at 10:17 am
HA! I really, really, REALLY hope that when I was in 4th grade, my class’s room mom used the phrase “It’s Go Time, wankers.”
2. Amy | September 14th, 2011 at 10:32 am
Love it! Here’s hoping that I won’t end up with that joy any time soon!
Oh, and good luck!
3. Kizz | September 14th, 2011 at 10:50 am
Matt LeBlanc has just read this and is nodding his head.
4. Catherine | September 14th, 2011 at 11:18 am
I just told everyone I was moving soon and for whatever reason they stopped asking me to do stuff.
Weird, right?
5. Becky Rice | September 14th, 2011 at 11:22 am
Yes, but does this room mom
fiascogig get you out of PTA duties? Give my love to the wankers.6. kathykate | September 14th, 2011 at 11:23 am
You’ve gone to the dark side. What’s the over/under on a fist fight at the first “holiday” celebration? Good luck: real room moms will so not get your humor, but OH! the blog fodder to come! yippee!
7. Karen in San Diego | September 14th, 2011 at 11:24 am
Welcome to the dark side, Wendy. Honestly, it’s fun, but you better stock up on Purell. Sounds like Ethan might be contagious . . .
8. Jaclyn | September 14th, 2011 at 11:32 am
I think you are far too focused on the children. The goal here should be to prove to the other moms just how superior you really are.
9. Mirth | September 14th, 2011 at 11:38 am
I so would have loved to done the co-room mom gig with you instead of the happy, happy, let’s decorate cupcakes bitches I worked with in my child’s first grade classroom. I’m pretty sure you would have never looked at me with slack jawed awe at something I said the way they regularly did. Lead the way to levity in that room, it’s officially your job. Also, regular updates of the experience please!
10. Julie | September 14th, 2011 at 12:03 pm
Best. post. ever.
They went into fourth grade as children. They left as…
11. Tonya | September 14th, 2011 at 12:09 pm
Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
Love the picture. You look completely trustworthy and prepared for the task!
I’m not sure it’s that convicted felons can’t organize a good shindig I think it’s that they can’t help but always add sharp implements into the baked goods.
12. The Mommy Therapy | September 14th, 2011 at 12:11 pm
If only you didn’t look so annoyed to be around all those children with just wine to keep you sane, that picture could have been your ticket to the parents’ trust.
Good luck with your gig! I’m sure you’ll rock it…or at least have countless good stories to share about how you tried.
13. Marinka | September 14th, 2011 at 12:26 pm
I can’t believe you’re not a felon. Better luck next year!
14. Alexandra | September 14th, 2011 at 12:29 pm
You know what?
You’ll be in the paper, headlines before you know it, illegal by accident:
“Sunday school looking PTA mom inadvertently deposits school funds into husband’s private account.” Haysoos says “not surprised at all, she couldn’t even find $12.00 in her purse.”
15. marathonmom | September 14th, 2011 at 12:34 pm
How many Hail Mary’s do you have to do with that gig? I did that last year, and am about to enter the witness protection program because I had to do a Yoga station at the “around the world party” and there are pictures. Good luck with all that….
16. Poppy | September 14th, 2011 at 1:26 pm
Apparently those hack investigators don’t know how to use Google.
17. Cheryl | September 14th, 2011 at 1:41 pm
I saw sign-up lists spewing forth from the company printer and started laughing hysterically. My boss’s wife is the 1st Grade Room Mom. And now this? I may laugh myself silly before the end of September.
Good luck out there. May the force of cheap wine be with you.
18. Love | September 14th, 2011 at 1:49 pm
Watch out – the mommy mafia might find out about your blog, alert the media to the type of riff-raff they let decorate doors (around children!) at the school, and before you know it, you and your blog will be on Nancy Grace and they’ll be talking about changing laws so that background checks include your full online presence to make sure that mothers who swear and blog don’t get to be around children anymore.
Oh wait, that might be the best plan I’ve ever heard. You’re a genius, Aarons. I’m signing up to be a room mother NOW.
19. Deb Rox | September 14th, 2011 at 8:47 pm
So who WAS selling to LeBlanc? Because someone was, someone sure was. Also, if your intention is to make the parents want to spend the weekend in Vegas with you in wolf ears, this focus group member says you met your goal.
20. Truthful Mommy | September 14th, 2011 at 8:52 pm
I laugh so hard at this post I almost cried! Thank you for the bedtime belly laugh. OH my God, the imagery will last a lifetime! You rock!I too was lassoed like a premenstrual goat. We’ll exchange recipes for homemade box wine and moonshine (Im part toothless hillbilly as well) LOL
21. Rikki | September 14th, 2011 at 9:26 pm
After reading your description of your appearance–you know, wrinkled sheep et al, I have the solution to your problem.
Call the SPCA and have them pick you up.
Be sure you are wearing the wolf ears…
22. Kim @The Fordeville Diaries | September 14th, 2011 at 10:51 pm
Dude. Never trust anyone who convinces you to do a triathlon.
23. Invader_Stu | September 15th, 2011 at 1:58 am
When they told you they were going to do a back ground check you should have taken that as a cue to go on a 24 hour crime spree dressed as the joker before the check was complete.
24. Tara | September 15th, 2011 at 5:10 am
You think room moms are nuts? Try cheer moms. That is one big bucket of bedazzled crazy.
25. Diane | September 15th, 2011 at 5:46 am
I didn’t know they had wine at Great Wolf Lodge.
You are a walking cautionary tale, my friend. Thanks. I almost felt compelled to volenteer in one of my children’s classes but now I’ll pass. Next one’s on me!
26. Lela Davidson | September 15th, 2011 at 6:05 am
I made it to fourth grade too. Just make it clear at the get go, “I don’t do bulletin boards.”
27. Ju | September 15th, 2011 at 6:12 am
Wondering if the other parents in your school read your page. Cause if they do, they certainly know how you feel now. LOL
28. ellemck1 | September 15th, 2011 at 7:47 am
Okay, I think my school missed out on something, because in my years in elementary school I never remember having any classmates mom come in as a “room mom”. Although I did wipe most of elementary school from my mind. But this sounds like a scary job. I now pray that I never get picked for this job.
29. Ann | September 15th, 2011 at 7:57 am
The wheels on all those field trip buses go round and fucking round, Wendi.
Round and fucking round.
30. Aimee | September 15th, 2011 at 8:05 am
Yup, you need to stock up on the box wine! Margaritas are my drink of choice after these kind of jobs! I should have known to run the other way when moms changed the Valentine’s Party to a “Friendship party” to be more PC! Really?
31. N&Em's mom | September 15th, 2011 at 8:41 am
I should have known you were a fellow midwestern Norwegian- too nice to say “no!” My first thought was to advise you to throw the game and do a crappy job ensuring that you are never asked to volunteer again, but then the children suffer, and no self-respecting Norwegian could do that. Therefore, I am going to recommend you bring out the Norwegian passive-agressive behavior and go ‘old school’ on their asses. Candy corn, candy hearts, peeps…if it lists high fructose corn syrup as the first ingredient, buy it in bulk and don’t forget the kool-aid. This should piss off most of the moms. To make sure that the teacher hates you do projects that involve glitter. Glad I could help!
32. Sophie | September 15th, 2011 at 10:27 am
You did, didn’t you? You’d stoop that low for blog fodder? It’s really time to stop being the nice person, Wendi. Try on the “I’m deaf and you’re just dumb” face. It’s worked for me so far.
33. Patty | September 15th, 2011 at 10:42 am
If it weren’t for my recent move and complete financial collapse, I’d open an account for you at BevMo so that you could supply yourself as needed with the Large Economy Sized bottles of the tipple of your choice. They have good specials on Tanqueray, Bombay Sapphire and other poisons, er, medicine on a regular basis.
God help you.
34. Nancy Davis Kho | September 15th, 2011 at 10:45 am
I don’t want to rub salt in your wolfish wounds, but when they asked me to be 5th Grade Room Mom this year, I deployed a secret weapon:
“No.”
It totally worked. I’ve given my pound of flesh over there, 9 years straight. Time for some other fool to grab the glory. Oh, not that I was implying that you’re a fool. Really.
Have fun with them tissue boxes!
35. KLZ | September 15th, 2011 at 12:32 pm
How, exactly, does wearing dead wolves ears as a trophy prove that you are animal friendly, hmmmm??
36. tara | September 15th, 2011 at 12:47 pm
F yeah! It’s go time wankers! Why was that not my subject line every freaking time I needed people to do shit when I foolishly signed up for room mom duties last year. Yeah, and don’t think I know who the slackers are who can’t even seem to volunteer to bring paper plates. PAPER PLATES! Not that hard. Gah! See, you’ve gotten me all riled up. Go forth young wendy and own that room mom gig!
37. The Flying Chalupa | September 15th, 2011 at 1:05 pm
I am so, so sorry Wendi. It is a dark day in Austin. Actually 9 months of dark day filled with trips to Michael’s. My heart goes out to you, oh-wolf-eared-one.
On the plus side, I envision many hilarious posts!
38. Liz @ PeaceLoveGuac | September 15th, 2011 at 1:31 pm
As Room Mom, do you get to pick the Class Song? Because I’m thinking this is a perfect opportunity to introduce the little wankers to your boy Manilow!
39. dusty earth mother | September 15th, 2011 at 2:53 pm
That is an exceptionally flattering picture of you, Wendi. And what I’m most happy about in this scenario? You bringing “elan” to the classroom. That’s a beautiful thing.
40. Peajaye | September 15th, 2011 at 4:31 pm
I think you need to trademark the term “Wolf Mom,” write a book, and tour the country next summer with “wolf-tales” of this year’s adventures.
41. sandra | September 15th, 2011 at 5:42 pm
I guess background checks don’t include previous identities. Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition indeed!! Game on!!
42. Susan in the Boonies | September 15th, 2011 at 6:02 pm
Is there something about a premenstrual goat that makes them more susceptible to being lassoed?
43. Cathy | September 15th, 2011 at 7:19 pm
I’ve done years of volunteer work at the school (seeing as I’ve been in this elementary school for 12 years with another 4 to go). You are crazy. You will live through it. You will get over it. But the real killer for the year is going to be dealing with all those other moms. The kids will be a piece of (gluten free) cupcake.
44. Anna ~ Random Handprints | September 15th, 2011 at 8:54 pm
i’m a little jealous. my third grader said no way when i suggested offering my class mom services to her and her dear classmates.
but the joke’s on them, ’cause now how are they gonna get into harvard law?
45. Laura @ Casa del Hansen | September 15th, 2011 at 9:30 pm
So clearly this woman who asked you knows your weakness, if she’s gotten you to say yes to not one, but two things. It seems that your only way to defend yourself from future attacks might be to learn hers. Or maybe you could find her a paper mache project that will keep her too busy to ask? Sounds to me like you might just be the best damn Class Mom of the bunch, which might just scare her way (because it’ll make her pale in comparison?)…
46. Julia | September 15th, 2011 at 9:47 pm
You poor, poor woman.
I only hope that I am strong enough to learn from your misfortune. I will start the defenses now, before my son even enters Kindergarten.
((HUGS)) (But not *too* close…you’ve got some..ah…glue stick right there. No… the other one. That’s it.)
47. Paula @ thewilyweez | September 16th, 2011 at 7:01 am
There is not enough wine in the world for me to be classroom parent!
48. Always Home and Uncool | September 16th, 2011 at 7:22 am
I thought about volunteering to be Classroom Dad for Thing 2′s 4th grade yesterday but I’d hate to stoop to buying cheap beer for those impressionable minds.
49. The Weekly DYF Roundup | &hellip | September 16th, 2011 at 10:40 am
[...] It’s go time, wankers: One mother tackles the room mom job. [...]
50. Steph | September 16th, 2011 at 1:30 pm
I have totally lost all respect for you. Can’t believe you caved. That is something I would do.
51. Angie Uncovered | September 16th, 2011 at 4:28 pm
Oh Wendi… I have never wanted to be a co-room mom with anyone so bad in my entire life! I have a glass of wine in my hand as we speak practicing for birthday cupcake day where we could maybe slip a little bit of ritalin in each one. Stop me… That would be full of freakin amazing!
52. the mama bird diaries | September 16th, 2011 at 9:19 pm
I really have always thought of you as a premenstrual goat.
53. Laffin' So Hard | September 17th, 2011 at 10:53 pm
54. Susan Greenberg | September 19th, 2011 at 1:50 pm
Hey, the same thing happened to me! Here’s my advice on how to survive the year:
http://responsibility-project.libertymutual.com/essays/the-room-parent#fbid=dFUxVlmVKD_
55. Kathy | October 4th, 2011 at 7:33 am
I wanna say “It’s Go Time, wankers” in my kid’s class! But I have Norwegian blood too.
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