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I Hate You, TV

August 22nd, 2011

Which shows are real and which shows did I just make up after I couldn’t find anything to watch and spent the night under the porch drinking cough syrup and crying?

1. Hillbilly Handfishin’

2. Eczema Wars

3. Tuna Wranglers

4. Mama’s New Boobies

5. 650-Lb. Virgin: The Weight Is Over

6. Krazy Kentucky Kat Ladies

7. Fat Charles: The Man Inside the Kool-Aid Costume

8.  Elk Fever

9. Supersize or Super Skinny?

10. Port-A-Potty Hotty

11. Tattoo School

12. Rest Area Lotharios

13. Incarcerated + Incontinent

14. World’s Strongest Toddler

 

Real: 1, 3, 5, 8, 9, 11, 14

Fake: 2, 4, 6, 7, 10, 12, 13

(If you actually watch any of those real shows, I’m not going to judge you, but please—-get help.)

(Also, don’t plan on stealing my fake show ideas. Because I’ve already trademarked them and have a pitch meeting with Oprah’s network next week.)

 

Entry Filed under: Uncategorized

47 Comments

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  • 1. The Mommy Therapy  |  August 22nd, 2011 at 8:54 am

    Port-A-Potty Hotty? I so desperately wish that were real. Fantastic.

  • 2. Kristen  |  August 22nd, 2011 at 9:01 am

    So glad you got the spellin’ of Hillbilly Handfishin’ right.

    Speaking of which, as I was changing channels the other day, my husband saw that listed and DEMANDED I go back to it. Not because he watches it (oh my hell no), but because I’ve talked about it so much (and, not because I’ve watched it, but simply because it exists) that he had to check it out. I can’t tell whether it lived up to his expectations, because what kind of expectations can one have for such a show? And also we only watched 15 seconds before my head exploded.

  • 3. Becky  |  August 22nd, 2011 at 9:03 am

    The fake list sounds much more interesting. I’m pretty sure there is a Port-a-Potty Hotty film crew staking out my kid’s football games.

  • 4. Laurie  |  August 22nd, 2011 at 9:04 am

    650-Lb. Virgin: The Weight Is Over, really? How do you even pitch that to someone? Wait, never mind, too gross to even think about it.

  • 5. hokgardner  |  August 22nd, 2011 at 9:06 am

    I’m so disappointed that Krazy Kentucky Kat Ladies is fake. I totally would have watched it.

  • 6. the mama bird diaries  |  August 22nd, 2011 at 9:12 am

    holy shit. I seriously couldn’t tell.

  • 7. Samina  |  August 22nd, 2011 at 9:40 am

    I have to admit that I did watch a bit of the first episode of Hillbilly Handfishin’, but only because it was on as I flipped by (I swear). I mean, how could you not go by a train wreck like that & not stop to gawk? I’ll also admit that that one bit was enough to last me the rest of my life. And enough to cover me on the rest of the shows you listed above that I didn’t even know existed.

  • 8. Rikki  |  August 22nd, 2011 at 10:09 am

    Luckily, your list of fake shows doesn’t include the one I’m working on, “How to Make an Interminable 30 Minute Show from a Topic that Could Have Been Covered to Death in One?”

  • 9. sparkling74  |  August 22nd, 2011 at 10:09 am

    I did succumb and watch HIllbilly Handfishing ONCE. BEcause after one view, what more can you possibly need to see?????

  • 10. Marinka  |  August 22nd, 2011 at 10:14 am

    I’m going to watch The Weight Is Over as soon as I’m reunited with my TV. My beautiful TV.

  • 11. Tonya  |  August 22nd, 2011 at 10:14 am

    Can I be the star of #4 and #10? Once you get the ok from the big O.

  • 12. Tonya  |  August 22nd, 2011 at 10:15 am

    Ok, ok. I was really overreaching. I know I’m more suited to #2 and #13.

  • 13. Mad Woman behind the Blog  |  August 22nd, 2011 at 10:17 am

    We saw a snippet of Hillbilly Handfishin’ last night on The Soup. The DH said “I don’t even want to know.”
    So glad to have a name for whatever that was. Thank you!

  • 14. ga  |  August 22nd, 2011 at 10:25 am

    LMAO, @ Tonya’s comments and I don’t doubt for a minute you could actually sell the rest of the list.

  • 15. Roxanne  |  August 22nd, 2011 at 10:48 am

    TUNA WRANGLERS is real? WTF?

  • 16. Julie  |  August 22nd, 2011 at 11:37 am

    I got most of these wrong, and now I really feel like I need a shower.

  • 17. Elise  |  August 22nd, 2011 at 11:51 am

    It just goes to show you that TV IS an addiction if people will spend any amount of time watching those real shows. Now your shows, you will have to build a trophy case for all of those People Choice and Emmy’s that you will definitely win.

  • 18. Sophie  |  August 22nd, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    What does it say about me that I got most of them right? And why isn’t “mama’s new boobies” a real show?

  • 19. Fragrant Liar  |  August 22nd, 2011 at 1:12 pm

    650-lb virgin, the weight is over? I am not buying that that is real, sister. I mean, seriously? Who’s idea was this?

  • 20. Ann  |  August 22nd, 2011 at 2:14 pm

    I couldn’t tell either.

    But Elk Fever is disturbed.

  • 21. Alison@Mama Wants This  |  August 22nd, 2011 at 4:10 pm

    Holy mackerel (or tuna), I couldn’t tell which was real except for supersize vs superskinny. Hold me.

  • 22. Issa  |  August 22nd, 2011 at 4:12 pm

    Hillbilly Handfishin’ keeps getting mentioned and I may need to um research it. Just research it you see…

    The rest I’d never even heard of.

  • 23. Zee  |  August 22nd, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    Its nice that you aren’t judging those that are watching these shows.

    However, I’m not that nice. I am judging you. Turn off the TV. Do something worthwhile. Read something. Wanna borrow one of my US magazines?

    Signed,

    Judgey McJudgerpants

  • 24. TheNextMartha  |  August 22nd, 2011 at 5:15 pm

    Going to Tivo #5 and #8. Really have a desire to see how those two sets get it on. My fall is looking up already.

  • 25. Cheryl  |  August 22nd, 2011 at 5:45 pm

    I only missed one of the real ones. Are you sure you weren’t into your second bottle of cough syrup when you were watching what you’re choosing to call: 650-Lb. Virgin: The Weight Is Over?

  • 26. Poppy  |  August 22nd, 2011 at 9:37 pm

    If Incarcerated + Incontinent has a long run, I will be happy to sign the parental permission slip if you want to film my son. I am hopeful his life of crime jacking the neighbor’s 3-wheeler from their garage ends before he is out of pull-ups, but I’m not holding my breath.

  • 27. deborah l quinn  |  August 23rd, 2011 at 1:17 am

    Incarcerated + Incontinent is brilliant, just brilliant. You could market it overseas as Penal Pissers, and then also to porn channels as Penile Pissers. This baby’s got real promise, I’m sure of it. If Oprah passes, you might want to try Starz brother network, Peez.

  • 28. Steve Bennett  |  August 23rd, 2011 at 1:30 am

    So glad I’m too addicted to blogs and twitter to bother with TV…first glance I thought they were all false, you have some strange programs over that side of the pond :)

  • 29. Anna ~ Random Handprints  |  August 23rd, 2011 at 4:30 am

    Tease! Can’t believe you list all those aweseome shows, but not their networks. Off to Google now!

  • 30. Muffintopmommy  |  August 23rd, 2011 at 6:52 am

    I have to be honest. If that were my tv like the one you show in the picture, I’d hate watching those shows too. Hillbilly Handfishin’ totally rocks in HD! You should come over and watch with me on my flatscreen that’s the size of my SUV. We could eat pork rinds and drink Mad Dog in our Faded Glory cut offs. NASCAR hat optional. (Cue up banjo music.) Don’t even think about showing with any of that high fallutin’ box wine and Cracker Barrel cheese.

  • 31. Ilana  |  August 23rd, 2011 at 7:05 am

    Incarcerated and Incontinent sounds brilliant! Can Scott Disick star and then we stick a Rest Area Lothario in there as his cellmate?

    It’s called— CASTING!

  • 32. Gail  |  August 23rd, 2011 at 7:09 am

    We’ve been laughing about Hillbilly Handfishin’ commercials for WEEKS. “I gotttt onnnneeeee!!!” Sure – you got a catfish…and probably about a dozen leeches are riding on your a$$…literally. I’ve actually resisted the temptation to be sucked in by the trainwreck. As for Incarcerated + Incontinent…I think there are several large hairy men named PitBull & Slasher in the prison that’ll take care of that problem. Just sayin…

  • 33. Missy @ Wonder, Friend  |  August 23rd, 2011 at 12:31 pm

    If we were being graded (We weren’t, were we? Were we?!), I would have failed.

    Hillbilly Handfishin’? The title alone is making me twitchy. I need for there to be – at the very least – a ‘g’ on the end of that word.

  • 34. Peajaye  |  August 23rd, 2011 at 12:34 pm

    How will Emmy voters even decide on the nominees?

  • 35. Liz @ PeaceLoveGuac  |  August 23rd, 2011 at 12:35 pm

    They all sounded so fake to me that I just spent 20 minutes on Google. I’m invoicing you for my time and for my mental anguish!

  • 36. dusty earth mother  |  August 23rd, 2011 at 7:58 pm

    Rest Area Lotharios. I know some.

  • 37. Cassie  |  August 23rd, 2011 at 8:32 pm

    BWAHAHAHAHAHA

  • 38. Aimee  |  August 23rd, 2011 at 9:15 pm

    I want to know what chanel supersize and superskinny is on! I have so not heard of this one! Do we get to see the superskinny eat a head of lettce? OR Maybe just a half, they do get full very easily! Must watch TV! NOT!

  • 39. Alexandra  |  August 23rd, 2011 at 10:43 pm

    I don’t believe you.

    I am going to google.

    No, I’m not..but, still, I don’t believe you.

    These are all awesome Aarons ideas.

  • 40. Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him  |  August 24th, 2011 at 8:01 am

    Is George Michael the star of Rest Area Lotharios?

    (we’re fighting now, aren’t we?)

  • 41. N&Em's mom  |  August 24th, 2011 at 8:11 am

    Thank you so much! Now when I watch “Dance Moms” on Lifetime while drinking boxed wine from a jelly jar, I don’t feel quite so bad about myself. Life can always be worse. Rationalization is a beautiful thing.

  • 42. The Flying Chalupa  |  August 24th, 2011 at 10:47 pm

    I’m ashamed to say I’ve seen a minute or two of World’s Strongest Toddler (my husband had the remote).

    But Tuna Wranglers? Sweet Jesus. We’re talking boot-cut jeans for fish, right?

  • 43. Funny Bitch Friday: Wendi&hellip  |  August 26th, 2011 at 12:30 am

    [...] I Hate You, TV [...]

  • 44. Paula @ thewilyweez  |  August 26th, 2011 at 12:01 pm

    Krazy Kentucky Kat Ladies should be a show…I’m starting a petition. :)

  • 45. bschooled  |  August 26th, 2011 at 7:07 pm

    I wanted to do a reality show called “Help! I’m Addicted To Watching Intervention!”

    But the producers said it was too far-fetched. So they went with “650-Lb. Virgin: The Weight Is Over” instead.

    ps. Your 2010 Oscar Predictions in McSweeney’s was one of my faves…

  • 46. Melissa Wright  |  August 30th, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    Yeah, Krazy Kentucky Kat Ladies would be far more interesting than most of the stuff that’s on TV right now.

    … I kinda wanna know what the pitches for the real shows on that list were like. “Look, we know you’re desperate, so if you take this show Oprah will give you a million bucks.” “Okay.”

  • 47. Ellen  |  March 5th, 2014 at 8:30 pm

    Uh, I thought the whole list was fake! Well done, well done [smiley]
    While SXSW is in full swing, try to see “The Great Invisible,” about the Gulf Oil spill (sorry to bring down the house here …) — my son’s the camera man, and it’s his gf’s film. I was gonna try to stay at your house to be there for the premiere, but I couldn’t make the airfare. Consider yourself spared!!
    And, as always, thanks for the laughs [thumbs-up].


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