July 13th, 2011
SEEKING RESPONSIBLE PERSON WITH STRONG STOMACH
AND LOW STANDARDS
Wendi Aarons, a local mother, is hiring a Movie Chaperone to take her two (2) children to a matinee showing of The Zookeeper. Wendi is neither willing or able to perform this odious task herself as she has a very strong aversion to watching “movie star” Kevin James “entertain” on the big screen. She has also already surpassed her yearly quota of fart humor and sight gags involving bodily functions thanks to Mr. Popper’s Penguins, and doctors are now worried that if Wendi sees Mr. James being peed on by a wise-cracking monkey, it will irreparably harm her delicate constitution. (Mrs. Aarons has not fully recovered from the death spiral she entered after Space Chimps and is still “circling the drain.”)
The Movie Chaperone will be responsible for meeting Mrs. Aarons and her two (2) children at the theater. He/she will then wait in line for popcorn while simultaneously pulling the two (2) children away from the “Postal Assassin” video game in the lobby and explaining to them why they’re not allowed to buy hot dogs cooked by a pimply concession stand worker. The individual is then expected to escort the two (2) children into the appropriate theater and find three seats that are a) not too close to the screen or b) behind a large man whose size prompts the children to scream that they “totally can’t see because of this stupidhead’s big stupid head” and kick his seat until he threatens to call an usher and have them ejected.
Working closely with the two (2) children, the Movie Chaperone will cover their eyes during the scary previews and stick his/her finger down his/her throat during the romantic previews. He/she will then give the children the tub of popcorn and avert his/her eyes while they attack it like locusts on a wheat field. (Note: No uniform will be provided, but plastic shoes are highly advised as there is a strong probability that the Movie Chaperone’s feet will be covered with Icee and/or butter-flavored vomit by the movie’s end.)
Once the feature film begins, the Movie Chaperone is expected to pay attention to the “plot,” no matter how badly it insults his or her intelligence. Comments like, “Jesus, who wrote this shit? A meth-addicted badger? I wish I were dead” are not allowed as the children get enough of that from their mother. Please keep statements more positive, such as, “Wow, Kevin James was almost charming when that gorilla rubbed poop in his face and started dancing to ‘All the Single Ladies!’ I’m only slightly nauseated!”
Under no circumstances is the Movie Chaperone allowed to run screaming out of the theater, even if there is a partial nude scene and/or close-up of Mr. James sucking face with an actress who wasn’t paid even nearly enough. This will be considered a breach of contract and no payment will be remitted. Should the children ask to leave the movie early, the Movie Chaperone is to first commend them on their ability to detect pure crap when they see it, but then make them stay until the end so Mrs. Aarons gets payback for sitting through Gnomeo & Juliet without a morphine drip. This is non-negotiable.
- Salary of $50-100
- Annual Bonus
- Executive benefits package including Dramamine, Pepto-Bismol and Rolaids
- Prozac allowance
- 30% Bonus Opportunity if the Movie Chaperone can convince the children that The Smurfs movie will give them pinkeye
Qualified applicants must submit their resumes within the next 24 hours as time is a tickin’. Interviews will be held in the mall next to The Zookeeper movie poster that Mrs. Aarons has defaced with a Sharpie and ketchup. Interested parties should also strongly consider bringing a bribe of churros and boxed wine with them.
Thank you for your interest and good luck. You’ll probably need it.
Wendi Aarons is an Equal Opportunity Employer.
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