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HELP WANTED

July 13th, 2011

SEEKING RESPONSIBLE PERSON WITH STRONG STOMACH
AND LOW STANDARDS


Wendi Aarons
, a local mother, is hiring a Movie Chaperone to take her two (2) children to a matinee showing of The Zookeeper. Wendi is neither willing or able to perform this odious task herself as she has a very strong aversion to watching “movie star” Kevin James “entertain” on the big screen. She has also already surpassed her yearly quota of fart humor and sight gags involving bodily functions thanks to Mr. Popper’s Penguins, and doctors are now worried that if Wendi sees Mr. James being peed on by a wise-cracking monkey, it will irreparably harm her d
elicate constitution. (Mrs. Aarons has not fully recovered from the death spiral she entered after Space Chimps and is still “circling the drain.”)

The Movie Chaperone will be responsible for meeting Mrs. Aarons and her two (2) children at the theater. He/she will then wait in line for popcorn while simultaneously pulling the two (2) children away from the “Postal Assassin” video game in the lobby and explaining to them why they’re not allowed to buy hot dogs cooked by a pimply concession stand worker. The individual is then expected to escort the two (2) children into the appropriate theater and find three seats that are a) not too close to the screen or b) behind a large man whose size prompts the children to scream that they “totally can’t see because of this stupidhead’s big stupid head” and kick his seat until he threatens to call an usher and have them ejected.

Working closely with the two (2) children, the Movie Chaperone will cover their eyes during the scary previews and stick his/her finger down his/her throat during the romantic previews. He/she will then give the children the tub of popcorn and avert his/her eyes while they attack it like locusts on a wheat field. (Note: No uniform will be provided, but plastic shoes are highly advised as there is a strong probability that the Movie Chaperone’s feet will be covered with Icee and/or butter-flavored vomit by the movie’s end.)

Once the feature film begins, the Movie Chaperone is expected to pay attention to the “plot,” no matter how badly it insults his or her intelligence. Comments like, “Jesus, who wrote this shit? A meth-addicted badger? I wish I were dead” are not allowed as the children get enough of that from their mother. Please keep statements more positive, such as, “Wow, Kevin James was almost charming when that gorilla rubbed poop in his face and started dancing to ‘All the Single Ladies!’ I’m only slightly nauseated!”

Under no circumstances is the Movie Chaperone allowed to run screaming out of the theater, even if there is a partial nude scene and/or close-up of Mr. James sucking face with an actress who wasn’t paid even nearly enough. This will be considered a breach of contract and no payment will be remitted. Should the children ask to leave the movie early, the Movie Chaperone is to first commend them on their ability to detect pure crap when they see it, but then make them stay until the end so Mrs. Aarons gets payback for sitting through Gnomeo & Juliet without a morphine drip. This is non-negotiable.

Wendi Offers:

  • Salary of $50-100
  • Annual Bonus
  • Executive benefits package including Dramamine, Pepto-Bismol and Rolaids
  • Prozac allowance
  • 30% Bonus Opportunity if the Movie Chaperone can convince the children that The Smurfs movie will give them pinkeye
  • 401k
  • Jujubes

Qualified applicants must submit their resumes within the next 24 hours as time is a tickin’. Interviews will be held in the mall next to The Zookeeper movie poster that Mrs. Aarons has defaced with a Sharpie and ketchup. Interested parties should also strongly consider bringing a bribe of churros and boxed wine with them.

Thank you for your interest and good luck. You’ll probably need it.

Wendi Aarons is an Equal Opportunity Employer.

 

Entry Filed under: Uncategorized

47 Comments

Add your own

  • 1. hokgardner  |  July 13th, 2011 at 10:00 am

    I’m going to pass on applying, because the previews made me sick enough.

    But if you do find a sucker, let me know. I may want to hire him or her, too.

  • 2. The Mommy Therapy  |  July 13th, 2011 at 10:02 am

    This is a very timely post. I was just trying to figure out how I’m going to start making some money.

    I’m feeling desperate so this might be just perfect. I currently have very low expectations for my ability to secure employment doing much else.

    What would be the chances that you would like to watch three adorable, non-pooping, VERY quiet children under 6 while I take your boys to the movie? And you’d still pay me?

    I totally see this working out.

  • 3. Marta  |  July 13th, 2011 at 10:07 am

    Totally on top of it, only condition is I must be able to bring my son who is “dying” to see this movie.

  • 4. Linda  |  July 13th, 2011 at 10:09 am

    Take them to see SUPER 8 !!! They may never want to go to the movies again !!!

  • 5. Marinka  |  July 13th, 2011 at 10:38 am

    The salary range has a “K” added at the end, right?

  • 6. FranceRants  |  July 13th, 2011 at 10:40 am

    I’ll tell you what, you don’t even have to pay me. Let’s just trade kids: I’ll give you my 12 yr old daughter for a month and I’ll take your 2 to all the movies they want.

  • 7. tracy@sellabitmum  |  July 13th, 2011 at 10:42 am

    I am pretty sure Marinka is up for the job – she goes to all of these movies with a smile and blogs about them. Maybe you need to throw in a plane ticket.

  • 8. Ali  |  July 13th, 2011 at 11:10 am

    So let me get this straight. You DON’T want to see this movie, right? ***I actually do. It’s Cars 2 that I’m dreading.***

  • 9. Alexandra  |  July 13th, 2011 at 11:31 am

    NO WAY.

    NO WAY.

    Let me say it again:

    No Way.

  • 10. Issa  |  July 13th, 2011 at 11:34 am

    If you find this person can you see if she has a sister? Or a cousin? Or a good friend?

    My children want to see Smurfs. Smurfs. I. There are no words.

  • 11. Bekah  |  July 13th, 2011 at 11:38 am

    That Prozac allowance is unlimited, right?

    Even my stomach, which is strong enough to handle pickled pigs feet (what??? I come from a long line of hillbillies) wasn’t strong enough to last through the preview of that movie.

  • 12. Samina  |  July 13th, 2011 at 11:40 am

    No employer match on that 401(k)? Forget about it baby, you lost me. Ha!

  • 13. Stasha  |  July 13th, 2011 at 11:59 am

    As tempting as it sounds I will pass. However I am willing to send donations should you start a charity for other moms who are unable to hire a movie assistant.

  • 14. Brittany  |  July 13th, 2011 at 1:21 pm

    I’m yours!

    After years of being a Nanny, I didn’t get paid a fraction of that to take the kids to the movies.

  • 15. Invader_Stu  |  July 13th, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    I truly feel sorry for you. I have a strange interest in watching peoples pained, bad reviews of movies (and never watch the movies myself) and Mr Poppers Penguins and Zoo Keeper got ripped to shreds.

    Can’t you just burn down all the cinemas in the area?

  • 16. Michele  |  July 13th, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    Will you sue me for copyright infringement when I just cross out your name and put mine instead?

    Here’s a new business venture – except I have no money for it. Movies where you check in your kids (like at the mall playground, IKEA etc.) They watch the crappy movies supervised. Our options: a) go to the bar next door; b) see a movie we actually want to see without the kids that starts and ends at exactly the same time as their crappy movie; c) do absolutely NOTHING! Genius right?

  • 17. Fragrant Liar  |  July 13th, 2011 at 4:03 pm

    Sorry, I hung up my “okay to be around small children” license some time ago, and I’m not re-certifying and giving up my R/X-ratings. But maybe when I get dementia.

  • 18. The Flying Chalupa  |  July 13th, 2011 at 4:08 pm

    You know, I was going to say no right off the bat, however, the money AND the possibility of sitting in a movie theater for the first time in three years is making me reconsider.

    Hilarious, as always.

    ps – please don’t go to this movie. I’m scared for you.

  • 19. Tonya  |  July 13th, 2011 at 6:06 pm

    But is there a Klonopin/Valium allowance? Wait. No. Even with that I don’t think I could stare at Kevin James for a whole movie. Even the previews have made me feel sick to my stomach.
    Good Luck with your search. Have you tried the “homeless” teenagers hanging out on the drag? If you tell them it’s a job that sticks it to the man (i.e. their upper middle class parents) they’ll probably do it for free!

  • 20. Erin@MommyontheSpot  |  July 13th, 2011 at 6:20 pm

    I needed to borrow this form when Cars 2 came out. I will also like to borrow it for the dreaded Smurfs movie as well.

  • 21. Sans Standards, but...  |  July 13th, 2011 at 6:47 pm

    Attractive though the Jujubes are; No thanks.
    Is this movie in 3D? Now that would be a sin.

  • 22. Alison@Mama Wants This  |  July 13th, 2011 at 6:57 pm

    I’m willing to bet you received less than 2 applications for this. Despite the very attractive offer.

    I think if you throw in: “Will write humorous blog posts for applicant (should you have a blog) for one week.”, you might get one more applicant. Me.

    Good luck!

  • 23. Sophie  |  July 13th, 2011 at 11:27 pm

    I’m just too tired to thing of an interesting answer. I want my mommy.

  • 24. Jill  |  July 14th, 2011 at 12:08 am

    I’m SO thankful my girls have no desire to see this … Instead they want to see the new Selena Gomez movie, Monte Carlo.

    Hold me.

  • 25. Kelley  |  July 14th, 2011 at 6:36 am

    You are so flippin’ funny! I can’t even breathe!!! I absolutely loved this post. I’ll be there to interview soon. HIRE ME!!!!

  • 26. Julia  |  July 14th, 2011 at 6:46 am

    Dear Ms. Aarons,

    Your need for a chaperone with a strong constitution caught my eye as it is a good match for my skewed aesthetic and military experience. (Okay, it’s not real military experience: I’m an AF brat who finished her JROTC sequence in high school, along with a semester in college. But let’s not get bogged down here…)

    In addition to a physique that would have earned me a place on the defensive line of the now defunct Colorado Valkyries, I bring to the table my own drugs (have Prozac, will travel), and a four year old with his mother’s big mouth to detract attention from your “darlings”.

    If you think we might be a good match, I will require travel expenses – flights from Wichita are not free. I promise to requisition all the barf bags, however. Additionally, I will have to insist on a substitution of Milk Duds for the Jujubes.

    I appreciate your consideration.

    Best regards,

    Julia W—

  • 27. Becky  |  July 14th, 2011 at 7:12 am

    While I am overly qualified based on your need for an individual with low standards, I must admit that I fail at everything else being even remotely responsible or in possession of a strong stomach.

    My 8 and 9 year old sons have figured out how to watch Dodgeball and Role Models on pay-per-view while mommy is sleeping one off. So on second thought, I may just need the extra cash.

  • 28. Plano Mom  |  July 14th, 2011 at 7:43 am

    I scored a miss on that movie by promising to mow the yard in 104 degree weather. The heatstroke wasn’t that bad.

  • 29. Texas Mom of 2  |  July 14th, 2011 at 8:10 am

    My 7 year old daughter only sat through a quarter of the movie before she’d had enough and walked out. So. Proud.

  • 30. N&Em's mom  |  July 14th, 2011 at 8:35 am

    I am perfect for the job since I can sleep through anything. Handcuffing them to the drink holder for their own safety is permitted, right?

  • 31. dusty earth mother  |  July 14th, 2011 at 8:46 am

    I’ll do it! I have no standards! I think Kevin James is a comic genius! I love chimps!

    I’m being really sarcastic!

    Wendi, this killed me. Thank my Lord above that my children have no interest in this crap. My husband, however, laughs every time they show a preview. Let’s not hold it against him.

  • 32. Aimee  |  July 14th, 2011 at 9:28 am

    What does it say about me as a mother that I would rather (and highly enjoy) watching zombie movies and very violent video games with my 13yr.old son than to see Zookeeper or the Smurfs? Really, the Smurfs, who dug that crap out! I hated it the first time around.

    Great post Wendy, you rock!

  • 33. Agentxrae  |  July 14th, 2011 at 11:03 am

    I was going to volunteer to say you could drop them off at Westgate and I’d take my son too but you lost me at butter flavored-vomit. My son may attack the popcorn as well but at least it stays down!

    Good Luck!

  • 34. Suniverse  |  July 14th, 2011 at 11:17 am

    I wish I would have known about this job offer sooner – I went to OPENING DAY of this movie with my 9 year old twin nieces.

    I’m still shivering from the horror. But at least I would have made a few dollars from my pain.

  • 35. Amy  |  July 14th, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    I have no standards and those theaters have awesome air conditioning. I refuse to pay attention since I’m usually hooked into a book by Jodi Picoult, so I’ll just bring my book flashlight and an mp3 player to block out the noise. Probably a flask too for my “thirst.” Your kiddos can sit on either side of me since I’m less likely to lose them that way. I’m pretty sure I can convince them that it would be a horrible idea for them to see Smurfs too. I’ve gotten out of taking my own boys to several horrible movies. No charge~ mommies have to stick together!

  • 36. Ann  |  July 14th, 2011 at 2:55 pm

    OMG. This is going to be your EMPIRE. Actors would way rather do this than data entry.

    Fools.

  • 37. the mama bird diaries  |  July 14th, 2011 at 6:40 pm

    That is the suckiest job offer of all time. And I am a fan of the low brow movies.

  • 38. Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him  |  July 14th, 2011 at 8:50 pm

    I will do this. I am telling you. I have only walked out of one movie in all my life – and that piece of shit was Any Given Sunday because I found it entirely base – because I’m generally of the mindset that I have nothing better to do with two hours. I’ve also never fallen asleep in a theater mostly because I’m afraid someone will steal my purse or, more bothersome, sit beside me and watch me sleep open-mouthed.

    (Harry Potter is out though. OUT)

  • 39. sandra  |  July 14th, 2011 at 9:58 pm

    Make it Milk Duds…and I’m in!!

  • 40. always home and uncool  |  July 15th, 2011 at 2:34 pm

    I’m in! Assuming you pay for airfare. And extra barf bags.

  • 41. Rainyday  |  July 15th, 2011 at 4:31 pm

    *love*
    and *need*
    If you end up with multiple applicants, can you send some my way? Especially if they work double duty as Potty Trainer. Competitive wages!

  • 42. phd in yogurtry  |  July 16th, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    Finding Nemo? I’m in. Toy Story? Please pick me. The Zookeeper? Um, how many paid sick days?

  • 43. Shannon from Canada  |  July 16th, 2011 at 6:33 pm

    Can I take my wine into the theatre with me? Do you mind if your movie assistant is drunk? Like…really Wendi…beggars can’t be choosers.

  • 44. Gina aka Slappy  |  July 17th, 2011 at 8:55 am

    Sorry – I can’t give up my boxed wine!

  • 45. Al Eluia  |  July 17th, 2011 at 9:22 pm

    Reading stuff like this makes me so glad my kids are grown up now and I don’t have to take them to crap like, oh let’s see, Pokemon 2000 or Mr. Magoo. And no, I’m not applying.

  • 46. What I Learned on My Summ&hellip  |  August 28th, 2011 at 7:32 am

    [...] No offense to Wendi Aarons, but she really needs to work on her benefits plan if she wants someone to apply for this job. [...]

  • 47. domesticait  |  September 26th, 2011 at 12:48 pm

    haven’t seen the previews for this one, but make sure you and your chitlins don’t miss “courageous” that new Christian movie which is just like the last one and a duplicate of the ones to come.

    IOWA. HELP ME.


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