What’s that? You haven’t heard of “In-Box Friday” before? Maybe that’s because I just made it up five minutes ago when I realized my creative juices have all dried up from day after day of triple digit weather. The innovation never stops, I tell you! I’m the blonde Steve Jobs! iHonky!
Anyway, every Friday-ish, I’m going to pick my favorite email of the morning and post my reply. Last week it was an email about my quilting blog, which was obviously a gift from the gods, but today I don’t have anything that’s even close to being that make-funable. (Yes, that’s a word. Look it up.)
Unfortunately, the best thing in my in-box this morning is from a movie rental service. I don’t want to say which one, but their “stores” are just big Red Boxes that can usually be found near the drink station in McDonald’s. (Me, last week, standing in line behind a dirtball whose pants were halfway down his legs: “Oh, no! I hope he doesn’t rent the Mike Leigh/Jim Broadbent movie before it’s my turn! The New Yorker gave it such a rave!”)
Anyway, their email advertises a hot new movie to rent this weekend called Bending All The Rules. Here’s the synopsis:
Smart, sexy and free-spirited, Kenna drifts from one boyfriend to the next, leaving any relationship that threatens to distract her from her dream: having an exhibition of her photography. But just as Kenna is offered her first show, her cool and casual personal life turns hot and heavy. As Jeff and Martin wage a fierce and funny battle for Kenna’s attentions, Kenna begins to wonder if she can’t have both love and success.
I know. How God awful does that sound? But at least it stars box-office hit makers Colleen Porch and David Gail. (?) So considering none of us are actually going to watch this turkey, let’s at least talk it through so we feel like we did:
“Kenna drifts from one boyfriend to the next, leaving any relationship that threatens to distract her from her dream: having an exhibition of her photography.”
KENNA: Jesus, Rodney! Stop opening the darkroom door and asking me to go to the movies with you when I’m trying to develop these pictures of orphaned children planting trees! I HAVE ARTISTIC DREAMS IN A RECESSION, YOU FOKKIN BASTARD! DREAMS!
“But just as Kenna is offered her first show, her cool and casual personal life turns hot and heavy. Suddenly, Kenna is being pursued by two very special – and very different – men: Jeff, a sensitive, struggling DJ; and Martin, a slick and powerful businessman.”
KENNA: I really need to get these three-legged dog photos framed, but sensitive Jeff will cry if I don’t go to his DJ gig at the Paramus Old Navy and slick Martin wants to fly me to Bora Bora on his private jet to show me he has no soul. Ugh! Why is my cool and casual life suddenly so complicated!? Why? Is it because the obviously male screenwriters named me ‘Kenna’? Is that it? This type of shit doesn’t happen to Megans.
“As Jeff and Martin wage a fierce and funny battle for Kenna’s attentions, Kenna begins to wonder if she can’t have both love and success.”
KENNA: Is it possible to be madly in love and have my photographs on display near the bathroom at Starbucks? I don’t know, world, but dammit, I gotta try! Come here, sensitive DJ Jeff who we all knew I was going to end up with from minute one because slick businessmen always get the shaft even though he could have BOUGHT me a freaking gallery and ended this piece of shit in the second act. Now put a record on the turntable and kiss me, you bastard because we’re gonna BEND ALL THE RULES! (music swells, hip hop kids dance in the street, old people applaud, DVD players are spat upon)
Seriously, what a turd. In fact, I don’t know why anyone in their right mind would ever want to….oh. Wait a sec. I just glanced at the DVD cover again and OMG, is that…?
Sigh. Never mind. It looks like I’ve got a few rules to bend myself right now.
Oh, Bradley. Why do you have to make everything so complicated?
In Other News:
Don’t miss The Mouthy Housewives’ hilarious new list of Summer Games we have over at AlphaMom. It’s truly funny.
And there’s also tons more advice at The Mouthy Housewives, like what to do about freeballin’ kids, husbands who wax their eyebrows, calling your boyfriend “Daddy” in bed, pole-dancing preschoolers and why you shouldn’t scream “Funky Cold Medina” at the neighborhood pool. Take a look!