“HEIDI MONTAG CLAIMS SHE WORKS OUT 14 HOURS A DAY!”
And Wendi claims she doesn’t f*&@ing give a shit.
Because guess what? After reading that particular Heidi Montag headline not once, but three times yesterday in various places, I’m done. I’m done with letting my head be filled with inane crap about people I wouldn’t even cross the street to slap in the face.
I’m done reading “Entertainment” headlines on major websites when the news is almost always about morons like Heidi, the Kardashians, Bristol Palin, Levi Johnston and Crystal Harris. All of whom make Paris Hilton look as deserving of attention as Mother Teresa.
I’m done being outraged over the Teen Mom phenomenon, which not only glorifies their situations by landing the girls on magazine covers, but exploits them in a way I find completely reprehensible. Divorce, rehab, suicide attempts—whatever keeps you in the news!
I’m done losing vital parts of my memory in order to make room for the knowledge that “celebs” like Gary Shirley had a cookout at his house last night. I’ve never even watched Teen Mom, yet that news popped up ten seconds after I turned on my computer the other day, so now I know it. I mean, WTF? This is what passes for a TV star now? At least I had Tom Selleck to watch when I was a kid.
I’m done following celeb magazines on Twitter so I no longer have to read nauseating sentences like, “Lauren Conrad is the Lucille Ball of reality TV!” I mean, really? Was there a lot of classic physical comedy on The Hills? Is Audrina Partridge our new Vivian Vance?
I’m done watching every single one of the Real Housewives shows. What used to be a guilty pleasure is now just an hour of periomenopausal women screaming at each other about their imagined slights while their huge fake boobs quiver wildly. And God knows I get enough of that at the Panera Bread down the block.
I’m done subscribing to USWeekly because it’s not worth $60 a year to find out what kind of lip gloss Rachel Bilson can’t live without.
I’m done going to the “New Releases” section of my library and only finding books by Jesse James, Gwyneth Paltrow, Dog the Bounty Hunter and some woman from Dancing with the Stars who I’m sure is an excellent writer when she’s not busy teaching Lil Bow Wow the Cha-Cha. Why are they even taking up shelf space when everybody’s too embarrassed to check them out?
But mostly, I’m done with TV shows that don’t use real writers, real stories, a plot, a script and trained actors. No more Parking Wars, Cupcake Wars, Bridezillas, My Strange Addiction, Hoarders, or dumbasses who either didn’t fucking know they were pregnant or can’t stop having kids. I’d rather rewatch The Mary Tyler Moore Show all summer long than be subjected to one more rose ceremony starring a Bachelorette and her nasty hair extensions.
Yes, I know I’m in my 40’s. I know I’m not the target market for most or any of this stuff and that I can choose what I want and don’t want to see. But seriously—the pseudo-celeb news has become so pervasive that it’s hard to escape. On the Huffington Post’s home page right now: “Bristol Palin Lost Virginity While Drunk.” On Fox News’ home page right now: “Hefner’s Rebound Bunny.” And what’s currently up at ABCNews’ website? “Heidi Montag’s Extreme Exercise Regime.” There she is in her peach bikini—right above the much less important stories on politics, terrorism and global warming. Well done, ABC. Well done.
Of course, I’m sure my boycotting of these things won’t affect the media in the slightest. I’m just one person and there are millions out there who are dying to find out about Kim Kardashian’s wedding shower or Mariah Carey’s diaper choices or JLo’s most recent sex tape scandal. That’s fine. But personally, I just can’t take any more of this constant, soul-killing noise, which means I’ll probably be stuck with PBS, NPR and the classic literature section of the library from now on. And can those outlets be a bit dry, a bit boring and totally unsexy compared to everything else that’s out there? Sure.
But that’s a reality I can live with.