Because it’s summer, 1,200 degrees and I have no choice but to take my kids to the pool every day, I need a new swimsuit. I was just looking at a swimwear retailer’s online store (I don’t want to say which one, so let’s just call it “Everything But Water and a Healthy Body Image”) and was amused to see that all of their suits have names. For example, they have a stylish little bikini in a faux python print. The name? “On the Prowl.”
Question: What three words have never f—ing described me while at the neighborhood pool? See above.
Other suit names include “Surprise Party,” “Bed of Roses” and “Easily Amused,” but the one that probably best describes me when I’m in the water is a kicky Michael Kors number called “Hammered Hardware.” Mostly for the “hammered” part, of course. I’d never carry my tools into the pool because they’d rust.
Now, if I were naming swimsuits that appeal to women like me, I think I’d go with some fun, sporty names like:
“I Had Two Kids So Shut Your Dumb Face”
“Skirting the Issues”
“Rhapsody in Tummy Control”
“My Thighs Only Look Like They’re Melting”
“Pissed Off When Wet”
and
“The Chris Farley”
Obviously, I’m sort of an untapped marketing genius.
Another issue I have with swimsuit stores is that they sell two piece swimsuits where the top is a bikini and the bottom is a skirt. I’ve never, ever seen anyone wear that strange combo, have you? Because usually if your bottom is in a skirt, your top’s in the Witness Protection program, too, so what gives? Do any of you swing this way? Or is it just female centaurs who opt for this look?
But I guess I should just be happy that I have an actual swimsuit to wear because the other day, I noticed the list of what’s not allowed in the pool (5th line):
Yeah, that’s right. No YACHT PANTS allowed. Like Thurston Howell the Third is just dying to throw back a dry martini, adjust his ascot, then jump fully clothed into our pool so he can discuss NASCAR with my weird neighbor Gary while loose swim diapers float past his face like crap-covered lily pads. Honestly, HOA. Pull your heads out. It’s a Texas subdivision, not West Egg, you numbnuts.
I told my friend Nancy that I also noticed “makeshift bathing suits” aren’t allowed and she replied, “That reminds me, I have to put bread bags, twist ties, and a tube sock in the beach bag.” Seriously, do they really think one of the suburban wankers is suddenly going to get a wild hair and go all Project Runway or something? It’s hot, it’s sticky and the kids are on vacation, so about the last thing I want to do is create my new swimsuit out of used margarine dishes and glitter. But then again, if I did, I guess I’d get to give it a name, right? In fact, maybe even a really cool name like, “Hot Buttered Babybutt” or “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Lipo-ed” or “Spread Me.” Huh.
Anyone seen the tape?
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Looking for a suit? Check out my Swimsuit Buying Guide.
As always, I’m cracking up here. And completely admitting that I am that dumbsh*t who DOES wear a bikini top and skirted bottom. Because I totally dig my ladies – but want to shield my thighs and ass like nobody’s business.
Aha! Now I know. And I’ve seen you in person, so I know you’re not a dumbsh*t and can actually pull it off.
I’m just glad they reminded me not to swim with explosive diarrhea and open sores.
Wendi,
You have made my afternoon with this post and your swimsuit buying guide.
I have laughed so hard, I may have just turned my pony keg into a six pack again. . . No seriously, my abs are burning from your ability to make all things funny!
Thank you!!!
I love wearing my yacht pants to work so I don’t have to change before taking the kids to the pool. Bummer!
I believe my suit is called Thar She Blows. And not in the good way a husband hopes for.
I continue to lobby for my community pool to add “no zit popping” to its list of prohibited pool activities, based on a couple I observed last year. As a result, I’m beloved by my HOA as much as my PTA.
Jesus. When I start feeling all cranky about my non-paid job of laundry slave and prep-cook for all my thankless children, I’ll think about the poor slob who has to name bathing suits. Do they get a fashion intern to come up with these or is it actually a paid position?
I am SO not bringing my swimdress to San Diego, lady. “Bed of Roses” got cut off, they missed the “this suit ain’t” that was supposed to follow.
Off to fashion my breadbags into something for my breadbags.
I love Skirting the Issues. And I have many issues to skirt.
Remember when we were all teenagers and we wore tshirts over our bathing suits at all times, even in the water? I’m so there again. My current bathing suit is called, “No, I’m Not F-ing Pregnant, You Insensitive Lout.”
I got a modeling job here in LA about 15 years ago. FOR SWIMSUITS. I needed the money so I took it and the first suit they gave me had a skirt.
And you had to walk THROUGH 100 tables and show everyone and then go up stairs and down a runway. IT WAS THE LONGEST WALK OF MY LIFE.
I think I’d like the pissed off when wet.
I think every year i look at swimsuits. I might even get bold enough to try on a bikini, look at it with my dressing room goggles on, and buy it.
but then for the rest of the summer i either wear it and NEVER take off my cover up, or go back to my comfortable grey one piece.
I’ll take a “I Had Two Kids So Shut Your Dumb Face,” please. Also, I’d probably wear yacht pants to the pool just to see if any one says anything. I’m kind of a jerk like that.
You know why I love the community pool? Because if you take the 12-17 year old girls out of the equation, I’m pretty f-ing hot. We’re talking 75 percent swimdresses and 10 percent pregnant women (also in swimdresses). That leave the 15 percent semi-fit moms in tankinis (the tribe I belong to) feeling like Victoria’s Secret models.
No community pool here, just a slip-n-slide but at least any communicable diseases are just washed off into the mud of my yard.
I think there should be a suit called, “You just wait, honey, you’ll look like me in a few years after you spit out a couple of kids.” Then, at least, I wouldn’t feel so intimidated next to the skinny young things at the beach.
Skirting the issue..
bwaaahahahhahahahha
Skirting the Issues please in slimming black.
I’m concerned about this “pool” you belong to… Crap-filled lily pads, yacht pants for swimming, and hard plastic toys?!? I think it may be time to find a new swimming hole- perhaps the snake-infested lake would be a wee bit safer.
Who swims in their overalls? It’s a community pool, not Tater’s Noodling Pond.
I think it’s only fair that men have to wear banana hammocks if we have to wear traditional swimsuits. “May I suggest the Love Shack number for you, sir?”
“I Had Two Kids So Shut Your Dumb Face” is my favorite. If I mail you some tape and glitter, can you make me one? You already know my size. It’s written at the top of my comment.
I think you’ve got another gem here. Imma re-read it again…
Good one! You forgot the name of my suit…”Body By Budweiser.” It said “Light” on the can so I thought the more I drank the lighter I’d be. Effing liars. Good thing I live in the frozen tundra and only have to shake my thang for two months, then it’s back in the yacht pants!
I would worry about “bed of roses,” It’s my understanding that roses do best in rich loam. So, if that’s the kinda suit you can buy, you might think about washing a little better “down there.”
Go swim suit shopping after a few margaritas. You’ll look awesome but may get thrown out of a few stores. We did!
yeah, you make me laugh. always.
I’m going to start calling my swimsuit the “You Can’t Contain Me.” Because, well, I have a very big personality.
Plus, I think I kind of kaPOW! out of it in a couple of places, so there’s that.
rhapsody in tummy control, that’s my suit…
After a long winter and my one-gene-from-albino complexion, I am recommending “Snow Blindness” as a swimsuit name. It won’t matter what it looks like, it would be like looking into the sun.
I love you Wendi Aarons.
I like going to the lake near us because it’s populated by Muslims, and the women will wear their burkas in the water. I feel very, very sexy. In my tankini and giant sun hat. And long sleeved cover up. I’m a bottom away from a burka.
Hilarious! On the sign I like the directive not to swim with open sores or diarrhea. Really? Was that line necessary? They must really mean it though given the “not” is underlined.
The melting thighs is so perfect it makes me cry (from laughing and from my own melting thighs). This is absolutely hilarious, you knocked it out of the park.
I’m going out to shop for “I have two kids so shut your dumb face” tomorrow morning. Not today, you see, because I’m feeling fat.
Loved this a little too much. And I think the bread bags/tube sock combo might work really well these days.
I am anonymously sending a yacht pants gift to Gary(YWN) just to stir things up.
so coconut shells are out?
oddly enough, for some reason making me go the pool here often makes me feel better about my body. Even though I wear a “shut your pie hole i had 3 kids and 3 surgeries” in an extra large, i find there are many women just like me who are wearing the “on the prowl”.
It makes me feel better about my fashion choices.
Lovey! Where ARE my Yacht pants?
you crack my “oh dear god I have to put on a swimsuit soon” ass.
Hahaha, this was awesome. I bought mine from Victoria’s Secret, which sounds like it’d be sexy right? Nope, I just bought it there because they sell the suits with the real bras so it kinda looks like I just threw on a matching bra and underwear combo. But you can’t take any chances with DDD’s.
It didn’t have a fancy name. I think it was just in the “big boobs” section. So maybe that’s it’s fancy name…
I love “Hot Buttered BabyButt”!!!!
Now, all I want to do is wear yacht pants in the pool.
Last week I did something I swore I’d never do – ordered a suit from Lands’ End, home of sensible mom suits. But at least mine has board shorts instead of a skirt.
And then the next day the Athleta catalog arrived with all the cute 20yo girls in their cute suits. Bitches.
I love…”Spread Me”! LMAO at that one. I’d like to know why they have zebra stripes and tiger and leopard prints in XXL….are you trying to scare people when you wear these things….I mean, are you supposed to be in the jungle so the hunters can find an excuse for target practice, or when you wear them on the beach, are we gonna have to get out our ID’s so the local wildlife people won’t try to drag us in? And the multicolored swim suits in XXL…well, I look like a freaking easter egg…black and white makes me look like a killer whale. Oh, and I like the halter tops with the fabric that hides the stomach, but what I don’t get…why in the world would they make the shorts sooooo short? Do we really wanna see cellulite covered bottoms hanging out while stomachs are covered? I mean, come on people..really!!!!
Re: “I’ve never, ever seen anyone wear that strange combo, have you? Because usually if your bottom is in a skirt, your top’s in the Witness Protection program, too, so what gives? Do any of you swing this way? Or is it just female centaurs who opt for this look?”
Laughing til I cried, Wendy. You are the absolute best!!
I love it when I actually LOL. Super funny.
I have finally moved from bikini bottom, to jams. That way my melting thighs remained hidden. You frigging Rock Wendi!!
I love going to the beach or a pool far, far away from where I live…I figure I’ll never see those people again and who cares what they think. Last summer I wore a string bikini to the beach…young children screamed in horror, to quote the movie Juno – “I serve as a cautionary whale for others” No need to thank me folks… it was my pleasure!
Right after I had my baby, I bought a bathing suit top “tankini” thing and then a bottom with the little skirt.
Walking around the pool like that, I looked like I belonged on Fourth Street! (ok, in Reno that’s where the hookers do their thing…sorry for the bad reference) It looked terrible, and all because I was trying to hide my belly AND my thighs at the same time.
Thurston Howell and I mutually loved this post. And if you designed a suit called “I Had Two Kids So Shut Your Dumb Face”, I would be your swimwear model.
With this post, you just renewed my love of swimsuits. This is so funny.
I think “pants” would have done the job. “Yacht pants” is a stretch. And speaking of, how does the HOA feel about stretch pants? Some of us are very self conscious about our leg veins…
Laughing so hard I’m crying! But YES–I’ve seen the bikini top/skirt combo. I think it’s all about getting by between bikini waxes. Me–I’ll be in a hot maternity number all summer. It’s kind of a nice pass for this season, actually.