Do you have a child? (BEEP) Are you in search of a really great (BEEP) present for said child? Are you completely (BEEP) out of ideas?
Trust me, I know it can be (BEEP) super tough to find something they’ll (BEEP) want to play with for hours. I can’t even (BEEP) tell you how many (BEEP) toys I’ve bought that just (BEEP) sit in the playroom untouched! Why, with all the (BEEP) money I’ve spent on (BEEP) Pokemon cards alone, I could have (BEEP) gone to Hawaii! (BEEP) Twice! (BEEP)
But here’s (BEEP) something I recently learned: while you may (BEEP) think it’s a good (BEEP) idea to buy your kid an alarm (BEEP) watch for his birthday, it’s (BEEP) really not! Especially when he (BEEP) actually receives (BEEP) three more of those pieces of (BEEP) crap from his friends whose mothers are (BEEP) clearly deranged.
Because what your (BEEP) kid will then (BEEP) do is set timers on the four mother(BEEP)ing watches, and then lose them in various (BEEP) locations around your (BEEP) house. Locations that you (BEEP) can’t find. (BEEP) Ever. Locations that will (BEEP) drive you to drink cooking sherry and rub your gums with weed killer at (BEEP) 10 a.m. because your (BEEP) living room sounds like a freakin’ (BEEP) European disco.
I’m totally (BEEP) serious.
And not only will you (BEEP) hear the godforsaken watches all (BEEP) day long, but so will your geriatric (BEEP) cat (MEOW) who apparently thinks electronic squirrels are (BEEP) (MEOW) after her. At least that’s what I (BEEP) (MEOW) assume she was (BEEP) (MEOW) thinking when she (BEEP) (MEOW) puked on my 2010 tax return and my only (BEEP) pair of earplugs. Honestly, who the (BEEP) (MEOW) knows what goes on in that (BEEP) (MEOW) feline brain? Not (BEEP)ing me.
To make matters even (BEEP) worse, when you finally scream and flee outside to escape the (BEEP) (MEOW) noise in your house, you’ll probably (BEEP) crash into a surly gardener who, for some reason, has a (RRRR) chainsaw on a (BEEP) (MEOW) stick. He will then (BEEP) (MEOW) (RRRR) tell you his name is Jesus, and you will smile, count your (BEEP) (MEOW) (RRRR) fingers and toes and run back inside. Because Chainsaw Jesus is not to be (BEEP) messed with. No, he is (BEEP) (MEOW) (RRRR) not!
So that’s why I (BEEP) say, unless you want to (BEEP) (MEOW) frantically tear your house apart like a (RRRR) junkie ass (BEEP) meth addict to stop the f&*#ing noise and/or slowly go insane like that poor (BEEP) bastard in (BEEP) (MEOW) The Telltale Heart did, never, ever (BEEP) (MEOW) buy your kid a devil’s handmaiden $5.99 alarm (BEEP) watch.
As for (BEEP) me, well, I’m doing (BEEP) OK now because I’ve finally found the one (BEEP) (MEOW) (RRRR) place in my house that’s completely (FLUSH) silent.
I just wish I knew what time it was.
Have you bought your tickets to Listen to Your Mother Austin yet? Well, why the hell not? Click here!
And if you’re one of the poor bastards who doesn’t live in Austin, you can also go to shows in Madison, Los Angeles, Valparaiso or Spokane. Click here!