It’s a difficult day for me today because a lot of the statements I’ve made recently have been misconstrued. I don’t know why this is, exactly, but it probably has something to do with all of the people in the world who are out to get me. The haters. The skaters. The Soup Plantation head waiters. They all want to see Miss Wendi go down in flames. But I am NOT going to let that happen, people. No, sirree. No, what I’m gonna do is set the record straight. I’m gonna rectify the situation. I’m gonna double up on the double talk and make your head spin so fast, you’ll wish you had a Dramamine patch and an air sickness bag clutched in your sweaty, little girly hands. So, you ready?
Here we go.
1. When I said, “I don’t like dogs,” people actually thought that meant I don’t like dogs. Ridiculous! What I meant was I love dogs! Especially the ones who jump on you and snag your cashmere sweater right before they slobber on your zipper area so you look like a pervert trolling the park for a quicky forest rendezvous. So adorable. But seriously, with all the poop and the fur and the non-stop yapping that drives a person to drink shots at 10 a.m., what’s not to like about dogs? OMG, dogs are the best!
2. When I said, “Jeezus, the Room Mom looks like Sasquatch in those yoga pants,” people actually thought I meant the Room Mom looks like Sasquatch in those yoga pants. Crazy! I don’t think that at all! In fact, I’m not even sure what a “Sasquatch” really is. I mean, sure, if it’s a creature with bleached blonde hair, huge fake boobs and a ton of junk in the trunk that’s in dire need of some Smart Lipo, then yes, maybe a Sasquatch does indeed bear a passing resemblance to Amber Jenkins, but how would I know? I’m not a freakin’ biologist! Don’t put words in my mouth!
3. When I said,”I wish the government would relocate the entire city of Dallas to a small volcanic island of the coast of Guam,” some folks actually thought I wanted the government to relocate the entire city of Dallas to a small volcanic island off the coast of Guam. Ludicrous! Are people really that touchy? That sensitive? Don’t they realize that I was just being “snarky” and “sarcastic?” I myself realized it right after receiving my first (poorly written) death threat from the DFW metroplex, so why can’t they? It’s like you tell 6 million people you want them forcibly expelled from the country, and, boom, they suddenly forget what “satire” is. Unbelievable.
4. Finally, when I said, “No, thanks, I’ve had enough margaritas” last night and people actually thought I meant I’d had enough margaritas? They were fucking wrong. (And I want my car keys back today, Janice. Today.)
So, I guess that’s it. That’s my spiel. That’s my rap. I hope I’ve cleared a few things up for you, but, like an Ikea catalogue or Gwyneth Paltrow’s singing career, I probably just made you even more confused. At any rate, I hope you’ve all learned a valuable lesson today: just because someone says something or writes something or texts something or faxes something doesn’t mean that they actually said, wrote, texted or faxed anything.
Especially if it was me.
(Note: Wendi Aarons doesn’t bear any ill will toward dogs, Sasquatches, Amber Jenkins, Soup Plantation waiters or residents of Dallas-Fort Worth. She actually likes all of them quite a bit. But she still totally hates that jerk-face Janice.)
____________________
Some people just can’t pick up on the subtleties. 🙂
Oh Wendi. You should really go to a sensitivity training course. Don’t you realize that you, as a vocal member of the world wide web community, must take into account the feelings and sensitivities of everyone? It’s not as if a blog is a forum to air your oppinions, after all.
By the way- any advice on how I can break it to people here that I’m moving back to the States? I don’t want to just disappear, but I don’t want to deal with all the whining and crying either.
Does your disclaimer at the end mean that you actually harbor ill will towards the aforementioned? I’m so confused.
On rare occasion I will speak the truth. For example, when I say that I love the hilarious ravings of Ms. Wendi Aarrons, despite her flagrant disregard for dogs and sasquatches, I really truly mean it. But when I said good bye and good luck to my former coworker that left me with a wheelbarrow full of his work, so that he could go work at some shiny new job in the city, what I really meant was “Bite me.”.
This made me happy. Mostly because I’ve decided to hate dogs again and am looking for more gang members. Of our dog hating gang. Word.
I tell my dog I hate dogs about 200 times a day. Somehow she doesn’t seem to care.
You can come tell her you hate her any time you want.
Really and truly this is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time.
On behalf of dog owners, I apologize. I tried to teach my dog manners but she just ignores me. Maybe she resents that I won’t let her leave the house without a leash? Or that I made her get her uterus surgically removed when she was a pup? I don’t know. All I know is that I find it very difficult to believe that the words “No, thanks, I’ve had enough margaritas” have ever been strung together in one sentence ever in the entire history of the English language. No freaking way.
Ha!! I love your humor. I so get it. The Amber Jenkins of the world can just be so lame, right?
I so needed this today since I have done pissed off the PTA presiho. I am not even sure who she is, but my daughter confirmed she is not the tall blonde one with the horseteeth. So, just give me the lat and long of that island mmmmmK?
Janice does totally suck.
This makes me feel much better about my decision to not wear yoga pants to my son’s school. Or to volunteer for anything in any capacity.
Mike Vick just called and wants to know if you’re available to be a character witness.
Umm…hilarious. See, when you lay it all out there then everyone feels better.
Why the hell do people have to be offended that you don’t like dogs?
I hate cats. I said it, it’s true, they scare me.
Me, too…
I haven’t said HALF the things I’ve said, either.
Only half.
You are truly funny!
I love the way you write.
Thanks for cheering me up tonite.
like an Ikea catalogue or Gwyneth Paltrow’s singing career, I probably just made you even more confused.
Brilliant.
Seriously, people. Don’t you know double, double entendres when you read them??? I mean who couldn’t not love to hate dogs that peel the flesh from your newly shorn legs when their claws of death slide down your thighs. All because they are excited. Not me, for one. I love the little buggers.
And signing up for a room mom is just asking to be examined (mentally and physically). Doesn’t that job fall under the “celebrity” category of “constructive criticisms are part of the territory and fair game?” See, you just made her a celebrity and she didn’t even thank you.
Now you may want to back off of DFW. I know some people who live there and quite frankly that place is a bit unstable when it comes to recommending changes to the system in place. Just ask for forgiveness; tell them their sports teams/cattle/cowboy boots are the best, and slowly back away out of the room. It’s best for all involved.
Tequila is awesome; friends who supply you with it are even better. Maybe Janice deserves a bit of thanks; that is if she didn’t take your car to traffic tequila to the minors in DFW. Then you’re better off just acting like you have no idea who she is and how she got your car.
Hah! GP’s singing career confuses the hell out of me! What is happening? That whole episode of Glee had me clinging to my couch because obviously I was very drunk and that’s why she was singing on the show.
Otherwise, I have no explanations.
Love your post. 🙂
OMG, that belly laugh you just gave me was so needed. THANK YOU for being so funny!!!!!!!!
*sticking my tongue out at Janice for you*
This was just what I needed this morning in this ridiculous state I live. (Wisconsin is the new Mississippi) and my RIDICULOUS I MEAN RIDICULOUS!
Thank you for this brilliant post.
Well, when I said ‘no salt on my margaritas ‘ I actually meant ‘ NO SALT ON MY MARGARITAS!’ this means you Cheryl!
I can only worry about my liver OR my blood pressure . Not both
And frankly, what has my liver ever done for me?
And just because I slur, it doesnt mean i don’t mean it.
Wow. That. Feels better.
And, I feel thirsty.
LMAO!!!!
So if I were to say, “Two Irish guys walked out of a bar” would anyone believe me. “No, thanks, I’ve had enough margaritas” yeah right.
I tend to prefer the room mom’s who wear camo jackets and sweatshirts with their NRA stickers on the mini-van. Sasquatch look out, her name is Brenda!
This is great Wendi! You’ve made my day! I’m just thankful I wasn’t drinking my Sprite when I read this or I would’ve had to take all the keys off my keyboard and clean it!
I so rock that sasquatch look. You’re just jealous ’cause my boobs are real.
What I want to know is how you TRULY feel about Gwyneth’s singing career. Because I could really work up a head of steam commenting on that (and no, I don’t mean the steam she uses to prepare her children’s healthful vegan earth-friendly yet glamorous playdate snacks.)
I totally would have known you were kidding about the margaritas. Kidding or not, I would never say no to more margaritas. No matter how far in the toilet my head has slipped.
How in the hell can anyone have too many margaritas?!
Oh, wait . . . flashback to Near Death Experience No. 3,411.
Right. Get those keys back from Janice, anyway. You may need to run to the pharmacy to get more painkiller.
Yikes, Wendi! You are way off with the Dallas thing. I think it should be the entire state of Texas. Why? ‘Cause God don’t like Texas — that’s how come all the hurricanes and stuff land there. Ship the state to Guam and we can save zillions on rescue aid.
You are hilarious!!!!
Also, why are the Dallas folk mad about moving to a volcanic island? Pretty scenery and way better than the leper colony I had planned for them. People are so sensitive!
Oh, and since you do, in fact, love dogs my 2 mutts have requested to stay at your place for awhile…
Gwyneth sings?
(Good luck with the Austin LTYM auditions today. Sounds like it’s fun and not easy. They’re not letting you select the final members for the show all by yourself, right?)
I’m sorry that you are so misunderstood. People just don’t appreciate your genius!
Could you be my press agent, please? I have several misunderstandings I need cleared up.
How COULD you compare your PTA nemesis to Sasquatch? For shame. Sasquatches have feelings too!
When your car keys are returned, be sure to check that your concerned hostess didn’t drain your tank. Gas is way, way up, you know.
If people misunderstand you, clearly that’s their own fault. I might point out that a misspelled, poorly worded death threat is still a DEATH THREAT!!!
Keep dodging those bullets!
I’m with you on #3 (or not?). Especially since that’s where my family lives. But leave my grandparents, ok? They’re pretty cool and don’t deserve to be exiled with the rest of the loony clan.
I think I need my lawyer to read this post to me so I can understand what you really trying to say.
I’m so glad my name’s not Amber Jenkins.
1. I hate dogs, because in addition to all their other bullshit qualities they will eat POOP AND VOMIT – their own, other people’s, other dogs’, it doesn’t matter. THEY ARE DISGUSTING.
2. Sasquatch should not wear yoga pants. Nope. No pants at all, in fact. Caftans, that’s where it’s at.
3. Fuck Dallas.
4. Janice. Oh, Janice.
Guam is supposed to have really temperate weather.
I really LOVE dogs, too. Especially mine, which is why i told the dog walker not to worry too much if she leaves the gate open.
FUNNY.
If you bore even the slightest bit of ill-will towards dogs, I’d like you even more. FYI.
This is one of my favorites. Because it just goes to show how stupid people in Dallas are.
* When I said, “I don’t like dogs,” people actually thought that meant I don’t like dogs. Ridiculous! What I meant was I love dogs! Especially the ones who jump on you and snag your cashmere sweater right before they slobber on your zipper area so you look like a pervert trolling the park for a quicky forest rendezvous. So adorable. But seriously, with all the poop and the fur and the non-stop yapping that drives a person to drink shots at 10 a.m., what’s not to like about dogs? OMG, dogs are the best!*
….I know this is a tad late, but I thought I’d chime in anyhow. Don’t worry, I don’t particularily like dogs, either. Although usually it boils down to the owner’s lack of responsibility (or lack thereof, in the case of the stray ones)
I figured out some time ago that no matter what it is you write, no matter how innocent it may sound to *you*, someone, somewhere, is going to misconstrue it for the sake of arguement. Just SO they can argue. Cause they don’t get enough arguements IRL.
I tend to ignore those, in fact I have the comments moderated on my blog to keep the argue-ers out. 😉
I don’t have a problem with Dallas though… I have more of a problem with Orlando, Florida. Cause that damn micky mouse is ANNOYING!
:::waves wildly::: hiiiii!
Aye,
Scratch
I frakking love this as I’m a huge believer in if you’re going to talk the talk, walk the walk.
Girl! You owned this! We MUST meet! MUST!