Today’s post is one of those posts I really don’t like doing. Meaning, I’m just going to tell you the Shit That’s Happening (STH) because I don’t have any time to come up with something that’s actually creative and worth reading. I’m pretty much InTouch magazine, only I’m not even going to make you feel better by showing you a picture of John Travolta without his wig. (Or his, um, beard.)
Unfortunately, I also don’t have any time to write one of those horrible mommy blogger posts about how I like one of my kids better than the other. I mean, we already know I favor the kid who hasn’t peed on anything today, so what’s the point? I’m not that desperate for attention. (But please be sure to purchase my soon-to-be self-published memoir “The Year I Abandoned My Kids To Become a Bieber Cougar Groupie!” It’s only $2.99, plus S&H. $3.99 in Canada.)
I’ll get to the STH in a second, but here’s something I completely forgot I wrote until a lovely gentleman named Wang Tong of China recently left 1,000 spam comments on it:
Tommy Bahama’s Less Successful Brothers
Johnny Dominican Republic
Bobby Trinidad and Tobago
Billy Bora Bora
Freddy St. Lucia
Joey Rikers Island
Personally, I don’t know why Mr. Tong was so interested in this particular post because most of his comments were about “amzink porn tubes” and not at all about casual resort wear worn by red-faced men in their 50’s, but then again, I’m no Chinese businessman.
Now, on to:
Shit That’s Happening #1: I was just on the Wall Street Journal blog! And not because of my gross fiscal irresponsibility at DSW Shoes, either. My sincere thanks to the lovely and talented Katie Rosman (@katierosman) who I met via Twitter, then in real life at SXSW, for making it happen. She’s the best. The BEST. (And she wrote a really, really great book.)
Shit That’s Happening #2: I was recently incapacitated for an entire weekend due to major calf distress. Because while I was able to easily do 200 calf raises at my exercise class on Friday, I wasn’t quite able to get out of bed on Saturday or Sunday. In fact, I sort of looked like this:
Only blonder and with a bigger back hump. Basically, I spent two days creeping around the house like a drunk cat burglar with about 2,000 milligrams of Motrin and Children’s Tylenol coursing through my veins. Woohoo! Exercise is great!
(Also, personal note to my most recent spin instructor: Even though it might be sort of appropriate, please don’t play the Chocolat soundtrack during class and scream things like, “Okay, ladies! You’re pedaling away from the cheese shop! Now you’re pedaling away from the wine shop! Ooops, here comes the chocolate shop, better move it before your thighs get a whiff! Yum!” We’re already hip to the fact that we’re periomenopausal wankers. You don’t have to rub it in.)
Shit That’s Happening #3: Do you live in Austin? Do you like mothers? Then please buy a ticket to my Listen To Your Mother show on April 30th! Tickets can be purchased here and include a chance to see not only me, but 14 other fabulous women, including The Bloggess, live and in person.
(Another personal note, this time to The Bloggess: Please don’t quit the show, Jenny. I wasn’t serious when I said I was rabidly jealous of your talent and was going to give you the “Black Swan Treatment…times TEN, featherface.” I was just sort of crabby because my calves hurt.)
Shit That’s Happening #4: Do you have problems? I’m guessing “yes,” since you’re still reading this, so that’s why I’m going to ask you to send your issues to email@example.com. We offer amazing, free, not-at-all-helpful advice that’s really special. Like this answer I gave to a woman who has laundry anger. Let’s just say that I’m no “licensed professional,” but licking Bounce dryer sheets until I pass out and wake up in a tube slide at the playground has always worked for me.
So, to recap, John Travolta, pee, Bieber Cougar, Wang Tong, Jimmy Guam, Wall Street Journal, calf pain, buy a ticket to LTYM and when in doubt, ask a crazy housewife for advice.
Yep. I think we’re done here.