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A Bit of Housekeeping

March 22nd, 2011

Today’s post is one of those posts I really don’t like doing. Meaning, I’m just going to tell you the Shit That’s Happening (STH) because I don’t have any time to come up with something that’s actually creative and worth reading. I’m pretty much InTouch magazine, only I’m not even going to make you feel better by showing you a picture of John Travolta without his wig. (Or his, um, beard.)

Unfortunately, I also don’t have any time to write one of those horrible mommy blogger posts about how I like one of my kids better than the other. I mean, we already know I favor the kid who hasn’t peed on anything today, so what’s the point? I’m not that desperate for attention. (But please be sure to purchase my soon-to-be self-published memoir “The Year I Abandoned My Kids To Become a Bieber Cougar Groupie!” It’s only $2.99, plus S&H. $3.99 in Canada.)

I’ll get to the STH in a second, but here’s something I completely forgot I wrote until a lovely gentleman named Wang Tong of China recently left 1,000 spam comments on it:

Tommy Bahama’s Less Successful Brothers

Sammy Haiti

Johnny Dominican Republic

Bobby Trinidad and Tobago

Jimmy Guam

Billy Bora Bora

Freddy St. Lucia

Joey Rikers Island

Personally, I don’t know why Mr. Tong was so interested in this particular post because most of his comments were about “amzink porn tubes” and not at all about casual resort wear worn by red-faced men in their 50′s, but then again, I’m no Chinese businessman.

Now, on to:

Shit That’s Happening #1: I was just on the Wall Street Journal blog! And not because of my gross fiscal irresponsibility at DSW Shoes, either. My sincere thanks to the lovely and talented Katie Rosman (@katierosman) who I met via Twitter, then in real life at SXSW, for making it happen. She’s the best. The BEST. (And she wrote a really, really great book.)

Shit That’s Happening #2: I was recently incapacitated for an entire weekend due to major calf distress. Because while I was able to easily do 200 calf raises at my exercise class on Friday, I wasn’t quite able to get out of bed on Saturday or Sunday. In fact, I sort of looked like this:

Only blonder and with a bigger back hump. Basically, I spent two days creeping around the house like a drunk cat burglar with about 2,000 milligrams of Motrin and Children’s Tylenol coursing through my veins. Woohoo! Exercise is great!

(Also, personal note to my most recent spin instructor: Even though it might be sort of appropriate, please don’t play the Chocolat soundtrack during class and scream things like, “Okay, ladies! You’re pedaling away from the cheese shop! Now you’re pedaling away from the wine shop! Ooops, here comes the chocolate shop, better move it before your thighs get a whiff! Yum!” We’re already hip to the fact that we’re periomenopausal wankers. You don’t have to rub it in.)

Shit That’s Happening #3: Do you live in Austin? Do you like mothers? Then please buy a ticket to my Listen To Your Mother show on April 30th! Tickets can be purchased here and include a chance to see not only me, but 14 other fabulous women, including The Bloggess, live and in person.

(Another personal note, this time to The Bloggess: Please don’t quit the show, Jenny. I wasn’t serious when I said I was rabidly jealous of your talent and was going to give you the “Black Swan Treatment…times TEN, featherface.” I was just sort of crabby because my calves hurt.)

Shit That’s Happening #4: Do you have problems? I’m guessing “yes,” since you’re still reading this, so that’s why I’m going to ask you to send your issues to ask@mouthyhousewives.com. We offer amazing, free, not-at-all-helpful advice that’s really special. Like this answer I gave to a woman who has laundry anger. Let’s just say that I’m no “licensed professional,” but licking Bounce dryer sheets until I pass out and wake up in a tube slide at the playground has always worked for me.

So, to recap, John Travolta, pee, Bieber Cougar, Wang Tong, Jimmy Guam, Wall Street Journal, calf pain, buy a ticket to LTYM and when in doubt, ask a crazy housewife for advice.

Yep. I think we’re done here.

_________________________

Entry Filed under: Uncategorized

32 Comments

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  • 1. The Flying Chalupa  |  March 22nd, 2011 at 5:55 pm

    Wendi, even when you don’t give a rat’s ass about a post, I still thoroughly enjoy every minute of reading it. And yes, I suppose I do have problems.

    The Tommy Bahamas Less Successful Brothers bit rocked.

    And the WSJ? You’re so big time it makes me want to kick you in the calfs.

  • 2. Tonya  |  March 22nd, 2011 at 6:08 pm

    Holy Shit!!! I’m now apparently not your favorite child today since I just peed my pants.
    I find that the silent treatment to the child who has an accident is quite effective. I haven’t spoken to my toddler in a week…sooner or later he’ll get the hint and potty train himself.

  • 3. hokgardner  |  March 22nd, 2011 at 7:28 pm

    I snorted my Fresca at the John Travolta’s beard line.

    And I’ve already bought my ticket for LTYM.

  • 4. deborah l quinn  |  March 22nd, 2011 at 8:00 pm

    Fine. Be funny even when you’re not trying. You know, you make it really, really hard for the rest of us. Plus that, I don’t live in Austin so I can’t go see LTYM, dammit; I live in NYC where they’re predicting snow AGAIN tomorrow. Your post makes me wonder what would happen John Travolta’s hair were to end up in the dryer with a Bounce sheet. Maybe Kelly Preston has been licking Bounce all these years, which would account for her glassy-eyed smile.

  • 5. knittergran  |  March 22nd, 2011 at 9:15 pm

    Who’s hellip?

  • 6. alexandra  |  March 22nd, 2011 at 10:38 pm

    I didn’t think I had problems, but since I did hungrily read each word of this post… I guess I do.

    I just really like you.

    I’m so pathetic.

    WSJ?? WOW. I think that is something to toot your horn and beat your drum and write a post about.

    Wonderful to see, woman.

    Especially since I really like you.

    Oooops…we already covered that.

  • 7. Kelley  |  March 22nd, 2011 at 10:54 pm

    I was laughing so hard at Tommy Bahamas brothers!! You are so hilarious. This whole post was awesome. You are awesome. Awesome. Don’t you sometimes hate the word “awesome”?

    I wish I could come to your show. :(

  • 8. Margaret (Nanny Goats)  |  March 22nd, 2011 at 11:43 pm

    Dang! That’s another one I’m going to miss at this Austin Show – oh, why don’t I live closer dammit??? Hope you have a fantabulous show!

  • 9. Former Austinite  |  March 22nd, 2011 at 11:44 pm

    Wish I could come to the show too. But right now it’s snowing and nothing is prying my butt out from underneath the covers on the couch! I’m just happy at least one of my cats has managed to not pee on the floor. They aren’t kids but what am I supposed to do? I’m perimenopausal with screwed up fallipian tubes and a tilted uterus. Um, that may be TMI.

    Why the hell are you letting some woman kill you in a spin class anyway? You rock and we all know it. Sometimes it’s good to stop at the wine shop. It makes people like her less annoying. Maybe I should make a run to the store tomorrow and grab some wine. I’m starting to annoy myself.

  • 10. Former Austinite  |  March 22nd, 2011 at 11:46 pm

    My fallipian tubes = my fallopian tubes.

  • 11. Ann's Rants  |  March 23rd, 2011 at 5:29 am

    perimenopausal wankers.

    You so funny. You funny as shit!

  • 12. Diane  |  March 23rd, 2011 at 5:35 am

    I don’t know why you boot campers to it. I hear this kind of report all the time and frankly, have no sympathy. I’m very comfortable in my menopausal-muffintop&bottom physique. But contgrats on the WSJ. On my way out to read it. My new motto for the 2011 year? More Tiger, Less Cougar.

  • 13. Wendi @ Bon Appetit Hon  |  March 23rd, 2011 at 6:16 am

    Dear Wendi, how scary is it that just last night I was thinking that maybe TMH are the only answer to a burning question I have? Girl, it’s like you’re reading my mind.

  • 14. Becky Rice  |  March 23rd, 2011 at 6:55 am

    I almost didn’t read this post because I see the word “housekeeping” and….well…. enough said.

    I am desparate to have a problem to take to the Mouthy Housewife Gurus. I mean, aside from my aversion to feeding my family home-cooked dinners and other housekeeping chores, of course.

  • 15. Kathykate  |  March 23rd, 2011 at 7:10 am

    WSJ? don’t forget us little people bigshot! We know you’re genius; now you’ll be popular.

    I hate popular girls.

  • 16. Liz @ PeaceLoveGuac  |  March 23rd, 2011 at 7:16 am

    Don’t worry, your back hump isn’t as noticeable now that bought all those floral muumuus.

  • 17. Tara  |  March 23rd, 2011 at 7:25 am

    Thanks for the tip on the Bounce dryer sheets. I’ll have to give that a shot.

  • 18. liz  |  March 23rd, 2011 at 8:01 am

    You are kicking ass and taking names, woman! Woot!

  • 19. Marinka  |  March 23rd, 2011 at 8:03 am

    I wish I knew how to ride a bike, because I’d certainly pedal to that wine shop you’re talking about.

  • 20. Laurie  |  March 23rd, 2011 at 8:30 am

    You and The Bloggess together, my sides hurt just thinking about the hilarity that would ensue! Can you take the show on the road please? I’ll make Welcome Marty Martinique and Ruby Aruba signs and wave them drunkenly around outside if you’d like.

  • 21. MommaKiss  |  March 23rd, 2011 at 9:12 am

    I was THISCLOSE to moving to Houston, which in relative terms, is also THISCLOSE to Austin (as compared to how close I am whilst living in Boston-ish). Which means I’d totally be at that show. If I had moved to Houston. But I’m not.

    SadMommaKiss

  • 22. Yuliya  |  March 23rd, 2011 at 9:34 am

    Should I now be going through some kind of agency for my comments to be pre-screened before they appear on this blog? What if someone respectable from WSJ comes here and sees this shlumpadinka comment? It will reflect poorly on you that’s what.

  • 23. Plano Mom  |  March 23rd, 2011 at 9:47 am

    Well then… I’m just gonna have to drive down to Austin. The idea of you and The Bloggess in one room is even more exciting than skipping my Algebra final in favor of the Rolling Stones concert at the Astrodome.

  • 24. Harriet May  |  March 23rd, 2011 at 10:32 am

    You had me at “wanker.”

  • 25. annie  |  March 23rd, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    i hate that you’re a better writer when you’re not trying than i am when i try too hard.
    sincerely,
    mrs wang tang

  • 26. the mama bird diaries  |  March 23rd, 2011 at 4:54 pm

    Where’s the photo of John Travolta?

    And hey, I’m a mother!

    And I live in – Oh never mind – I can’t help you with your tickets.

  • 27. Suniverse  |  March 23rd, 2011 at 7:27 pm

    I’m wishing I was back in Austen so I could go to your show. Also, sorry about your incapacity. And the whole Beiber Cougar thing.

    Nothing to do with anything, but have you seen Shadow of the Vampire? Willem Dafoe is a TERRIFYING Nosferatu.

  • 28. Jen  |  March 23rd, 2011 at 8:46 pm

    I can’t make my not trying posts this good. You’re setting the bar kind of high. Sounds like you’ve been busy. My goal for next year is to make it to SXSW. If I do, we’re getting a drink.

  • 29. The Mommy Therapy  |  March 23rd, 2011 at 8:54 pm

    Ummmm…I live in Austin and am totally buying tickets to that show. Thanks for the heads up.

    Also, feeling a little cranky that your not trying post was still pretty damn funny. Perhaps that was all part of the strategy? Excellent.

    Thank goodness I peed my pants at the gym today, again so I don’t have to think about what I’m going to write. Shit just keeps happening that is so nuts I have a material out the wazoo. Good times.

  • 30. Heather  |  March 23rd, 2011 at 9:00 pm

    Wanker is in my daily vocabulary. It comes in handy on super shitty days. It’s also a free pass name to call your kids cause it sounds cooler than asshole. And less abusive.
    I hate spinning. I love wine and I married chocolate years ago and we are happy.
    If I lived there I’d come see you.
    Thanks for stopping by… I never know where I fit in as far as blogging.
    Also this entire reply was typed in Chinese.
    For that Tong dick

  • 31. Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him  |  March 30th, 2011 at 8:43 pm

    I once had a kickboxing instructor who would yell scary motivations, like “He’s Behind YOU! KICK!!! KICK!!!” or “Don’t let him GET YOU!” It was like she was working through a sexual assault incident for 50 minutes 3 days a week.

    Even your ‘this is not a real post’ posts are great!

  • 32. Stephanie Smirnov  |  April 10th, 2011 at 11:38 am

    “blonder and with a bigger back hump.”
    You slay me, woman.


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