This year, for the first time ever, we decided to drive to my parents’ house for the holidays instead of taking a plane. This seemed like a good idea when we pulled out of our driveway, however, by the time we pulled back into our driveway—14 days, four states and 4,100 miles later—I was ready to make out with the first airline employee I could find just to smell jet fuel again.
But what kept me sane during the long days of watching my husband drive while I ate snacks in the passenger seat and provided color commentary on the uber witty local billboards we passed was my wonderful iPhone. Here are some of the photos and tweets I used to document our trip, state by state. (And if you were one of the two people who read these live during my trip, I apologize for the repetition. I’m just too fragile to write something else right now. Sniff. IT WAS A LONG TRIP, OK?)
- And…it’s snowing in New Mexico. This probably wouldn’t happen in Old Mexico.
- Me: “Ok, kids, we’re in Old Town Albuquerque. What should we eat?” Them: “Chinese!”
- It’s been a long day, so I’m going to bed. But tell me if you think I look like I need better moisturizer, OK?
- Driving past the White Sands, NM missile test range right now. Filled with regret that I airbrushed the Target logo on our roof last night.
- We just passed a “Rock Factory Outlet.” I guess I don’t know as much about geology as I thought.
- Does Tempe have a team called the Tantrums? They should.
- Just entered Phoenix. It’s phrickin phabulous, my phriends.
- We literally (I think) drove through some of the “No Country For Old Men” locations today. Maybe that’s why my hair looks like Chigurh’s.
- Road between Vegas & Reno: prisons, whorehouses & Area 51. (I have a really good “probing” joke but my husband’s telling me to be ladylike.)
- We just passed the Brothel Museum. “Look, kids, back in the olden days, hookers had to make their own penicillin with moldy bread!”
- We’ve passed at least 10 Nevada brothels today, but I only dropped off my resume at 5 of them. (Wish me luck!)
- For the last time, husband, it’s no fun doing a Hall & Oates singalong if I only get to do the Oates parts.
- Husband—whistling “99 Luftballoons.” Me—seriously considering my options.
- I miss my bathroom.
- My parents had map fights on all of my childhood road trips and now I’m passing that beautiful legacy onto my own kids. Sniff. I SAID GO LEFT!
- Judging from the appearance of this McDonald’s handicapped stall, I just missed a huge toilet-paper/candy cane melee. Sigh. AGAIN.
- If I typed the zipcode of the town we’re driving through right now into the sexual offender database, it’d light up like a frickin pinball machine.
- This hotel must be very fancy because it includes a complimentary tube of Speed Stick!
- Is there a long interview process to get hired as a drug mule? No reason.
- The only radio station we can tune in right now is JOSE-FM. But this tejano is MUY CALIENTE! And the DJ is MUCHO EXCITIDO! WHEEE! ES VERDAD!
- Just had a lively 15 minute “discussion” concerning mesas v. buttes. Related: GET ME OUT OF THIS FRICKING CAR.
- My husband just bought our 7yo a taco from a gas station. I’m sure THAT will end well.
- “Winnebago”: A Native American word meaning “Ha, ha, you stuck behind a f&@king RV for the next 20 miles, you stupid sucka face.”
- Tonight, 4 of us in another hotel room. Tomorrow night, 4 separate rooms with deadbolts on the door.
- Road Trip update: Won’t be home til tomorrow. Somewhere in TX. Or S. America. Who the fuck knows. For the love of God, I want off this highway.
- The road trip ends today. One way or another.
All kidding aside, the road trip was worth it because of all the togetherness, the beautiful scenery and the chance to really bond with my family.
But the next time we drive, I’m going to insist that I get to do the Hall parts in advance. It’s only fair.