Wendi, did you turn up the heat again?
What heat?
The heat in the house.
Our house?
Yes, our house.
I’m going to say “no?”
Then how did it get up to 74? I had it set for 69.
Maybe the thermostat’s broken.
It’s not broken.
Maybe there was a power outage.
There wasn’t a power outage.
Maybe you did it in your sleep.
Seriously? You’re trying that one again?
Okay, maybe Jack did it.
Jack’s mystified by the toaster.
Then I give up. It’s a complete mystery. I totally think you should call the power company and demand to speak to a heat supervisor. Use your Stallone voice.
Or maybe you could just man up and tell me you did it.
What? Why would I turn up the heat? I LOVE being frozen to the bone all day long! I love wearing so many layers that it’d take an archeologist with a pick axe to reach my underwear! I love that I don’t need to use potholders when I take pans out of the oven! I love that our toilet seats feel like the chilled salad plates at Sizzler and my toothpaste has little, frozen chunks in it! Why, it’s just glorious to spend my days Swiffering in 69 degrees! Glorious, I tell you!
Really.
Really.
So when I left the house this morning, that wasn’t you I heard blasting 80’s hip-hop music and screaming, “Take off your pants, boys, cause mama’s turnin’ this joint into a Jamaican heat wave and we’s about to SWEAT IT ’til WE FORGET IT, yo!”?
Nope, not me.
And that means it probably wasn’t you who was also heard bragging at the PTO meeting that your heating vents are so hot you use them for weenie roasts and the occasional glass blowing?
Of course not.
That’s good. Because you know where the money to keep the house at 75 degrees comes from?
Amnesty International?
No. No, no, no. It comes out of your wine budget.
(long pause) Well played, sir.
Thank you. Where are you going?
To put on another sweater. I think it’s going to be a really cold winter.
You have no idea.
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Thank you to everyone who left a comment on my Oxfam giveaway! I’ve been laughing all week. There’s still time to let me know about your shittiest gift, so click on over if you haven’t yet. Winner will be chosen by random drawing & announced on 12/5.
And if goats are more your style, please check out Marinka’s Oxfam giveway!
Or, if you’re into hot chicks, please check out The Mouthy Housewives’ Oxfam giveaway!
There are so many giveaways, I just can’t stand it!
I spend a lot of time driving in the car with heated seats turned on
LMAO. I just found your blog through nanny goat in pants.
Thanks for me making me laugh so much. Think that’s a standard conversation though in many houses. *whistles and walks away before hubby reads this*
I remember reading that Jen and Brad personalized their vows with a ‘pact to split the difference on the thermostat’. See how that worked out?? Angelina’s corpse doesn’t mind the cold.