I’m a little off my writing mojo today, as evidenced by the fact that I was just working on what I thought was a super hilarious song parody called “Rudolph The Red-Nosed Coke Fiend,” so I think it’s better if I just list a few random holiday things right now and call it a day. Trust me, it’s for the best.
Here we go:
1. Holiday Pets
My cat’s inner monologue upon seeing gift wrap ribbon:
OMG! MUST CHEW PRETTY THING! LADY SAY “NO!” BUT I EAT! CHOMP CHOMP! UH-OH… (puke)
To be repeated every three to four hours until 12/25.
2. Holiday Cards
Remember the triathlon where I almost met my maker wearing padded bike shorts? Well, unbeknownst to me, they take photos of you during the race and then send you an email telling you how you can order them to frame on your wall. Obviously, I wanted no part of this humiliation and immediately deleted the message.
Then last week, they sent me another email saying that I could actually order holiday cards with my triathlon photo on them. Yep. Beautiful holiday cards to send to everyone I know. And to make it even more enticing, the nice triathlon people also included an image of a sample card—a sample card that had a picture of me looking like Moby Dick on a 10-speed and underneath that loveliness, the bright red word “JOY!”
3. Holiday Love
Yesterday I told my husband of 18 years that I was just hit on by some guy at the car wash. His response: “In THOSE shoes? Seriously?”
(OK, that has nothing to do with the holidays. I just wanted you all to see what I’m dealing with here. Not every 40-something woman can wear elastic shoelaces and look as enticing as me. He doesn’t know how lucky he is. I mean, I even got some free Turtle wax because I looked so hot when I was standing by the vending machines.)
4. Holiday Traditions
Suspecting that my 7-year-old Jack now knows the truth, I asked him what he thought about Santa yesterday. Here’s his answer:
“Well, I totally don’t believe in him because I know he’s not real because that’s what my friend told me at recess, but I’m going to say I believe in him otherwise I don’t get anything for Christmas. So what I’m saying, mommy, is I TOTALLY LOVE SANTA! SANTA ROCKS! Oh, and could you make sure Santa has my wishlist in his purse when he goes to Target this afternoon? Because I really want Beyblades. You know, the ones that the ‘elves’ make in the ‘North Pole’.”
And yes, he actually used air quotes. Which I think automatically puts him on the “Naughty” list, doesn’t it?
5. Holiday Shopping
Per my inbox, I apparently did a little tipsy online shopping the other night, so please let me know if you receive any of the following on your doorstep over the next few weeks:
A case of irregular pepperoni sticks
Two flats of Top Ramen noodles
A pool table
Glenn Beck’s new slow cooker recipe book, “Crock of Shit”
A North Dakota mail-order bride
And I really hope it’s the right size because I fell asleep before I printed out the gift receipts.
Happy Holidays Everyone!