Just like Oprah, Wendi saved the best for her farewell season — even though she’s not quite sure if she’s going anywhere since Dr. Phil keeps rejecting her application to be his designated nut puncher — so here are her most fantastical, awesometical, megacoolical favourite things ever!
Wendi loves drinking cold sodas, but just hates it when they make her hand cold, too. (Brrr!) And that’s where the ingenious and stylish foam koozie comes in. “I simply shove the can inside the koozie,” Wendi says, “And I look like pure class for the rest of the tractor pull!” Koozies are the perfect fit for beer bottles, energy drinks and those “death in a can” thingys that are sending college kids to the ER to have their stomachs pumped. Plus, foam koozies come with all sorts of tres witty sayings, like this one that so elegantly explains Wendi’s thoughts on life:
Approximate value: $1.00
Available at: Fine convenience stores everywhere
Wendi sometimes has a hard time expressing herself at PTA meetings. And that’s why she just adores this fun, sassy pack of gum that she can easily carry in her purse! “The only problem,” Wendi sighs, “is that I run out of pieces to give away in the first two minutes since there’s so much blabbing! Ay carumba!” Wendi also strongly advises you to hand the gum to the other ladies and not just shove it in their piehole when they won’t stop yammering about whose muffins caused the salmonella outbreak at the first grade bake sale. Yum, yum! Happy chewing!
Approximate value: $5.75
Available at: That weird store in the mall that smells like patchouli & teenagers
STASHED HALLOWEEN CANDY!
Sure, Halloween’s over, but that doesn’t mean you have to stop adding Fun-Sized cellulite to your thunder thighs, does it? Oh, hells to the no! Simply take a sandwich-sized plastic bag, fill it to the brim with whatever you can grab when your sweet angel is whacked out on the Children’s Benadryl you slipped into her juicebox, then hide your spectacular stashes all around your house! “Nothing is more exciting,” Wendi tells us, “than reaching into the litter box and finding a stale Snickers. It’s like God hid a piece of heaven just for me to find because I’m his Chosen One. Screw you, Dr. Oz! Sugar rules!”
Approximate value: Less than Smart Lipo, more than a membership to Curves
Available at: The risk of your children ever trusting you again
“Every week, my husband asks me to buy him bananas,” Wendi explains as she lies drunk in her closet, “but then he doesn’t eat them and they change colors. First they’re yellow, then they’re brown—it’s like that year I tried highlighting my hair with Crest White Strips. At least I didn’t attract any fruit flies, LOL!” But of course, Wendi is far superior to any of you losers, so she’s successfully used The Secret to discover a use for this rotten, brown fruit that smells like sweet death. “Two words,” Wendi slurs before she accidentally hits her head on a belt buckle and draws blood, “Brown Banana Tinis, baby! Deeeee-lish!”
Approximate value: $0
Available at: Dumpsters city-wide
Because Wendi doesn’t ever want to look like a moron, she always carries a copy of an “important book” with her to impress people wherever she goes. “I tried reading this one here once,” she reports, “but it had too many words! Give me a break! I’m not like that smart guy in a wheelchair, Stephen Hawkeye! I went to public school, LOL! It was free!” An avid fake reader for over two years, Wendi considers acceptable “classic literature” to carry around in your purse to be anything that doesn’t include teenage vampires, teenage werewolves or the phrase “and then I slowly licked the special place he’d just had manscaped at the salon.”
Approximate value: $10
Available at: Bookstores that don’t display US Weekly in the front window
When you’re as hot as Wendi, it’s hard to not get hit on everywhere you go. But now, Miss Thing has ensured that no man ever looks at her twice by wearing these fucking ugly shoes on her feet! “I just love my heinous black sandals,” she raves, “because unless I’m waiting in line for a Porta-Pottie at a Phish concert in Jerk City, Iowa, nobody’s ever going to try to tap that. It’s genius!” Unfortunately, Wendi’s own husband is also affected by her footwear choice, and insists on sleeping on the deck whenever she’s wearing them. But luckily, Wendi can usually find a candy stash in the toilet tank to make her feel all better until she passes out for the night. Three cheers for arch support! Huzzah!
Approximate value: $100 (Yes, I’m serious)
Available at: Those weird Birkenstock stores where your kid’s math teacher shops
“Hot Chocolate” is the name of Wendi’s favorite brown sweater that she wears every day from November 1-April 30th. Isn’t it just totally gorge?! Wendi says that putting on Hot Chocolate is like, “draping my body in a 50/50 blend of love and awesome.” Her husband says it’s more like “transforming into a Premenopausal Chewbacca with dander issues.” Ah, young love! Unfortunately, Wendi has not been able to find her favorite sweater this year, and she’s starting to suspect that her husband hacked it into pieces and buried the various sweater parts around their subdivision in Hefty Lawn & Garden bags. OMG! Isn’t that crazy? In fact, Wendi’s now having a Brown Banana Tini-triggered lightbulb moment and starting to panic!
Approximate value: Priceless
Available at: For the love of God, just tell me what you did to it already. Seriously. I promise I won’t wear it after 7 p.m. or out on dates anymore. PLEASE! I NEED MY MOTHEREFFIN’ HOT CHOCOLATE NOW! I’M BEGGING YOU, MAN! WHERE’S MY HOT CHOCOLATE?! TELL ME BEFORE I SET YOUR XBOX ON FIRE! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO IT?!
Well, it looks like that’s it for this year’s Wendi’s Favourite Things. Wendi hopes you enjoyed it and found many valuable items that will make your life almost as magical as hers!
And for those of you in the audience who are eagerly expecting to get any of this given to you for free today, Wendi wants to tell you about one more of her very favorite things: Cash!
Please send some immediately so she can buy a new sweater.