(In case you missed the inspiration behind this, a couple of days ago, a writer for fashion magazine Marie Claire wrote an inflammatory post about “fatties” making out on TV.)
The other day, I asked myself, “Do I get uncomfortable when I see brunette people making out on television?”
Because I can be kind of clueless — I don’t watch TV because I’m far too busy reading Russian literature and saving baby seals — I had no idea what I was talking about, so I steered myself to this CNN article, but that was about the CBS sitcom Mike & Molly where they show intimacy between two plus-sized actors.
Well, I certainly don’t have a problem with large people gettin’ busy, I said to myself. More power to them. But what I definitely DO have a problem with is all of these brunettes sucking face in prime time. Because while I think our country’s obsession with blonde hair perfection is unhealthy, I also think it’s at least equally crazy, albeit in the other direction, to be implicitly promoting mousy, unshiny BROWN hair! And brown hair is costing our country far more in terms of all of the related “We’re not that hot when compared to Sweden” problems than any other health problem! Including dandruff and male pattern baldness!
So anyway, yes, I think I’d be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with inches and inches of brown hair kissing each other…because I’d be grossed out if I had to watch them doing anything with their non-golden, non-Playmate hair. To be brutally honest, even in real life, which is what I think I’m in right now—not sure—I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very brunette person simply walk across the room without the sunlight hitting them and making their head shine like a blonde angel sent from heaven to make us forget about the crap economy—just like I’d find it distressing if I saw a very drunk person with a reverse mullet and a scrunchie doing the Cabbage Patch dance at a bar mitzvah. Ewwwww!
Now, don’t go getting the wrong impression: I have a few friends who could be called “dishwater blondes.” I’m not some blonde-ist jerk. And I know how tough it can be for truly brunette people to psych themselves up for the long process of full or partial highlights at the salon. (For instance, the dark-haired maintenance guy at my gym has talked to me a little bit about how it seems worthless for him to even BUY Miss Clairol #40 because he’s been brunette for as long as he can remember. Mostly because he’s Latino.)
But…brunette-sity is something that most people have a ton of control over! It’s something they can change, if they just pay $300 every month to spend four hours in a salon having their heads doused in their hairdresser’s strongest bleach and ammonia!
(I’m happy to give you some highlighting suggestions if you need them — but long story short, pour lemon juice and vodka on your head and sit in the hot sun until you pass out and have to be rushed to the ER. You’ll wake up stoned and hooked to an IV, but you’ll also have total sunkissed goodness framing your face! Hello, Goldie Hawn Jr.!)
So, what do you guys think? Brunette people making out on TV—are you cool with it? Or am I just being dumb and insensitive? Because I’d hate for that to be true, even if I am fabulous blonde.
Brilliant.
And this is why I love your blog.
And since I’m a brunette, I won’t ever ask to have coffee with you. Wouldn’t want to turn your stomach.
I’m glad that you had the blond balls to say what so many of us have been thinking. Brava.
I bow to this genius. Awesome.
I concur with Marinka. I think Obama should ship all the brunettes to Sweden. Redheads rock man.
Hey there Missy. I don’t care what you say, you clearly ARE a blonde-ist jerk. Substitute the phrase “redhead” or “crewcuts” for “brunette” and see how it sounds. Don’t you know that not everyone can afford permanent dye and has to make due with henna/beet juice rinses, and that Icelandic wigs aren’t available in every community?!? I’m using your “magazine” to line the bottom of my birdcage–and my parrot is a GORGEOUS greenheaded bird, BTW–probably looks a bit like a blonde after a summer of swimming in chlorine. Oh, yes, I did! #wendiaaronshatesnonblondes
Brava!
*adjusts hat*
Perfection.
Nice work Wendi…may the blonde be with you.
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Pure awesome, right here.
r u for real? This is quite possibly the most assinine thing I have ever read.
Thanks, Rose.
Hilarious!
I mean, HOW DARE YOU?!!
*chuckle*
Rose must be a brunette.
Obviously we need to set up a petition to get this made into a law. Brunettes kissing on TV is NOT to be tolerated.
I love this. And I’m a brunette. And I linked this in my blog. Because it’s pure genious.
This is awesome. And i think it’s awesome someone thinks you were serious.
Hilarious, even despite the fact that I just gave up my shiny blonde lockes for deep, coffee brunette waves.
I’ve never read your blog before, but you are now one of my favorites! Thank you for posting this! It is PERFECT!
Preach it sista’! Look, I have put up with blondes kissing brunettes, blones kissing redheads, humans kissing animals, Lady Gaga kissing…whatever – and now BRUNETTE on BRUNETTE??? I mean, the line HAS to be drawn somewhere. This just can’t go on. Think about what it will do to our society?? BLAME CANADA!!
(I wonder if the chicky from Marie Claire realized once she re-read her piece how big a douche bag she really is? Shame on you Nina Garcia! Let’s get this over with, I said douche bag.)
just like I’d find it distressing if I saw a very drunk person with a reverse mullet and a scrunchie doing the Cabbage Patch dance at a bar mitzvah. Ewwwww!
[I represent this comment]
Awesome.
YES. Also? YES.
I don’t know about brunettes and blonds but I know that as a red head I am trapped between the two worlds. Sometimes as a red head I am seen as very hot but if I am having a more ginger than red head I am put in the same category as brunettes. Sometimes I just don’t know where I stand.
So fabulous, it HAD to be written by a blonde.
Everyone can make out on TV except my parents. I still believe that I am the product of an immaculate conception. And if you saw my shiny auburn hair, you’d be forced to agree.
Isn’t a reverse mullet called a comb-over?
Now you are insulting an entire group of men and honey… its gloves off, pants pulled to your belly button time… don’t mess with the comb-over…
My favorite response so far to this Marie Claire bullshit! Love this and you.
Fab-u-lous!
neither brown or blonde only black hair. just like ANGELINA JOLIE DID ON SALT
I agree.
DOWN WITH THE BRUNETTES!
Or at least that bitch who wrote the article.
Oh, cannot believe what I read on twitter is true.
I had heard there was a blogger who was repulsed by brunettes making out, and felt they “should get a room.”
You’ve got it in reverse, sister: it’s blondes making out that do me in.
And not in a good way.
STELLAR POST. Leave it to you. No one else but you. Of course, it’s Wendi Aarons. Brilliance. Genius. How did you think of this. Love it.
Wendi, you’re my hero!!
You are so awesome! This just made my day!
This is awesome!
…I’m a brunette, so clearly I can’t agree, but I do know of this certain Marie Claire blogger who repulses me. Especially when she walks across the room, or you know, writes stuff.
100% pure blond brilliance. I loved this.
thanks you thank you thank you! A mind of reason in the fatty world of craziness.You are brilliant.
I applaud your courage at saying what so many think every night when they turn their TV on. Bravo Wendi! And ENCORE!!
You are fantastical in so many ways.
You are AWESOME!!
Yes, sadly God only created so many blondes … for the rest of us, He created hair dye …
bottoms up ‘Golden’ girls !
Well played, Ballcrusher, well played indeed.
FAN. TAS. TIC. Love it. Great way to illustrate the point.
This.Is.Genius. And brunettes are disgusting. Thanks for bringing it up. Please TV, bring back more blonde fatties.
I’m very disappointed in you, Wendi. While, I’m very glad that someone has finally spoken out about this tragedy that is happening to Americans, you forgot to mention how important it is to match the carpet with the curtains — even if it means shaving/burning it all off. There MUST be complete dedication!!
THANK YOU. I am so over these brunettes pretending they are better than we perfect blondes. (that’s right, I USE THE E SPELLING SO DEAL WITH THAT SPELL CHECK MOTHERFUCKER)
1. If you’re a brunette can you be the color palette of a spring? Or a summer? NO.
2. If you’re a brunette can you show your cleavage and get ANYTHING YOU WANT? NO.
3. If you’re a brunette can you get some rich, addled 97 year old man to marry you? NO.
The defense rests.
I’m a brunette and even I get grossed out by other brunettes making out. I also think it’s really gross when fake tanaholics make out, because orange just isn’t the right color for tongue wrestling. Yuck.
Mad Men still has you pissed, doesn’t it? This has been a bad hair week for me – a combo brunette and red head, I read this and then have the Millionaire Matchmaker declare ‘red hair is not considered the freshest produce in the aisle.’ Man, I gotta dye or just refrain from making out and crossing rooms.
Can’t. Stop. Laughing.
*checks mirror* Oh um shit.
Please don’t hate me because I took my naturally (kinda bad though) dishwater blonde hair and colored it a reddish-brown… I keep it shiny, promise! Us brunettes can be scary, I think… But this killed me laughing.
The thought of two brunettes sucking face? Is why I’m a blonde.