(In case you missed the inspiration behind this, a couple of days ago, a writer for fashion magazine Marie Claire wrote an inflammatory post about “fatties” making out on TV.)
The other day, I asked myself, “Do I get uncomfortable when I see brunette people making out on television?”
Because I can be kind of clueless — I don’t watch TV because I’m far too busy reading Russian literature and saving baby seals — I had no idea what I was talking about, so I steered myself to this CNN article, but that was about the CBS sitcom Mike & Molly where they show intimacy between two plus-sized actors.
Well, I certainly don’t have a problem with large people gettin’ busy, I said to myself. More power to them. But what I definitely DO have a problem with is all of these brunettes sucking face in prime time. Because while I think our country’s obsession with blonde hair perfection is unhealthy, I also think it’s at least equally crazy, albeit in the other direction, to be implicitly promoting mousy, unshiny BROWN hair! And brown hair is costing our country far more in terms of all of the related “We’re not that hot when compared to Sweden” problems than any other health problem! Including dandruff and male pattern baldness!
So anyway, yes, I think I’d be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with inches and inches of brown hair kissing each other…because I’d be grossed out if I had to watch them doing anything with their non-golden, non-Playmate hair. To be brutally honest, even in real life, which is what I think I’m in right now—not sure—I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very brunette person simply walk across the room without the sunlight hitting them and making their head shine like a blonde angel sent from heaven to make us forget about the crap economy—just like I’d find it distressing if I saw a very drunk person with a reverse mullet and a scrunchie doing the Cabbage Patch dance at a bar mitzvah. Ewwwww!
Now, don’t go getting the wrong impression: I have a few friends who could be called “dishwater blondes.” I’m not some blonde-ist jerk. And I know how tough it can be for truly brunette people to psych themselves up for the long process of full or partial highlights at the salon. (For instance, the dark-haired maintenance guy at my gym has talked to me a little bit about how it seems worthless for him to even BUY Miss Clairol #40 because he’s been brunette for as long as he can remember. Mostly because he’s Latino.)
But…brunette-sity is something that most people have a ton of control over! It’s something they can change, if they just pay $300 every month to spend four hours in a salon having their heads doused in their hairdresser’s strongest bleach and ammonia!
(I’m happy to give you some highlighting suggestions if you need them — but long story short, pour lemon juice and vodka on your head and sit in the hot sun until you pass out and have to be rushed to the ER. You’ll wake up stoned and hooked to an IV, but you’ll also have total sunkissed goodness framing your face! Hello, Goldie Hawn Jr.!)
So, what do you guys think? Brunette people making out on TV—are you cool with it? Or am I just being dumb and insensitive? Because I’d hate for that to be true, even if I am fabulous blonde.