(In no particular order.)
1. I was thrilled to recently be invited by iVillage to audition for their new iVoices panel, especially since The Today Show’s Natalie Morales is one of the judges. However, I must have misread the instructions saying they were looking for “real women” as “real, strange women” because I chose to send in a genius little video that not only included me wearing my Kate Gosselin wig & sunglasses, but also a scene of me draped in a Snuggie interviewing my cat about whether or not I need marionette line Botox.
For those of you playing at home, that officially makes it The Today Show 14, Wendi 0.
2. In an effort to have less distractions in my life, I went into Twitter exile last week and asked my friend Marinka to change my password for me and keep it a secret. Imagine my joy seven days later when I found out I now have to log in as “BEYONCE1FAN.”
Well played, Marinka. Well played.
3. On the scratch pad next to my computer, I recently noticed the following notes made in my handwriting:
bitch gonna holla 🙂
rotary snack attack
proud mary v. layla = I hate Chernobyl
My thighs ATE TOLEDO, yo
Does Febreze cause impotence or just ragged cuticles? Must call CDC.
Tuesday 8/24 at 5:30am—take pictures!!
I Love da Wine, but da Wine, she no love me
If you have any information as to what any of that means, please, do tell. My mental health would greatly appreciate it.
4. If you’ll recall, I was recently put in charge of the school’s summer slide show. All was going well until I asked my husband to help out and he then took over and started adding in music that’s usually only heard in iron curtain discos. This led to the following heated exchange:
What the hell IS this song?
Like it? It’s the number once dance song in Belgrade this week!
Listen, I only enlisted you for below-the-line work. I’M the creative brains behind this slide show, got it?
Cut to my husband storming out of the room and me adding in a title card announcing the slide show was officially an “Alan Smithee Production.”
5. On my way to meet a woman about a thing last night, I arrived at a four-way stop the same time as a blue Honda. Since my pet peeve in life is people who can’t figure out four-way stops (like my redneck neighbors who apparently don’t count that high), I let a rude finger gesture fly when the blue Honda took my turn. Two minutes later, I see the woman I’m meeting get out of the blue Honda, so I then have to quickly zoom past her, park three blocks away and walk to meet her in the pouring rain.
Of course, none of this would have happened if the state of Texas would finally agree to let me tint my windows “50 Cent Style,” so please, write your Congressperson on my behalf.
6. For the past six months, I’ve been convinced that I have either necrotizing fasciitis or sepsis on my left calf due to a recurring baseball sized bruise. However, last week, when I told my husband that my leg was probably going to fall off soon because every time I get out of my car, I bump my bruise against the running board, he pointed out that maybe my bruise is actually caused by “bumping it against the running board, you dummy.”
Wish I’d known that before I gave away all of my left shoes to charity.