Fun Things to Do When The Heat Index is 107 Degrees!
August 23rd, 2010
Watch your landscaping die!
Cry big raging tears that immediately evaporate!
Burn off your fingerprints on your scalding hot steering wheel! (Perfect for criminals!)
Stand inside your house and scream, “ENJOY THE HEATSTROKE, DUMBASS!” at passersby!
Abandon your family for the skeevy eight-fingered butcher who has a walk-in meat locker!
Go on, make that tube of clinical strength deodorant your punk lil bitch!
Shoot an eight ball of ice water into your veins with a Fisher-Price hypodermic needle!
Permanently fuse your sweaty upper legs together to create one giant Uber Thigh!
Voluntarily sit through an air conditioned Jennifer Aniston romantic comedy! Without rolling your eyes even once!
Make your own sexy and refreshing Wonder bra with two cherry Sno-Cones and a roll of duct tape!
Send non-stop emails to Levi Johnston offering to be his Wasilla, Alaska concubine! No questions asked!
Save money on “hot yoga” classes by sitting in car and reaching for things in the backseat!
Ask people, “Hot enough for ya?” then hysterically laugh until they throw their Venti Mocha Frappuccino in your face!
And finally, late at night, when nobody’s looking, put a few Popsicles in places they really, really shouldn’t go! Ooooo! Chilly!
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41 Comments
Add your own1. Lisa Rae @smacksy | August 23rd, 2010 at 12:03 pm
I’m all about the “Uber Thigh.”
2. Liz @ Peace, Love & Guacamole | August 23rd, 2010 at 12:06 pm
omigod I can’t pick a favorite idea–they are all so perfect! I think I’ll start with #5 because I’ve already tried 1-4. What should I wear when hitting on a butcher??
3. Fragrant Liar | August 23rd, 2010 at 12:10 pm
I am wearing sno-cones in my bra as we speak, and I am one cool chick.
4. penelope | August 23rd, 2010 at 12:24 pm
Great list – I’ve been asking people if it’s cold enough out here!
5. hokgardner | August 23rd, 2010 at 12:25 pm
I am so making myself a sno-cone bra.
6. Tonya | August 23rd, 2010 at 12:35 pm
And this is precisely why I don’t want to move back to Austin, no matter how awesome I think it is. I do like the last 3 suggestions best, although all of them made me laugh so hard I spilled my tea.
7. Cheryl | August 23rd, 2010 at 12:43 pm
Uber thigh sounds like the easiest but nowhere near the most fun. I like the idea of the sno-cone bra. A lot.
8. Sophie@Fabrications | August 23rd, 2010 at 12:45 pm
The wonder bra! Oh Gawds, the wonder bra! I would so be getting me one if I could find huge-ass Jewish east-European sized sno-cones. Wait. I have a couple of 2-litre tubs. Might do the job. Will report tomorrow morning.
9. Stefanie | August 23rd, 2010 at 1:23 pm
You know what’s really sad? If you were to have written a completely different list like say “Go outside and make chalk rainbows on the sidewalk!” or “Run through a sprinkler like you did as a child!” People would love it just as much. They send you smiley faces and say “Love this list LOL!” You bust your ass to be funny and it’s really only for a few. But thank GOD you do it! LOL!
10. Gretchen | August 23rd, 2010 at 1:31 pm
Oh my. I love the way the heat is taking your mind to all sorts of naughty places!
11. Peajaye | August 23rd, 2010 at 1:42 pm
How about:
-Visit Palm Springs, where it’s about 125 degrees, then return to your cool 107 and rejoice!
12. Pauline | August 23rd, 2010 at 1:57 pm
“Watch your landscaping die!”
LOL! That happened to me until it started raining non stop! Now my plants are drowning!
13. Mommy on the Spot | August 23rd, 2010 at 2:01 pm
That bra sounds awesome!!
14. Meredith | August 23rd, 2010 at 2:11 pm
Uberthigh, hot yoga and the frappucino LITERALLY made me snork water all over my keyboard. And yet I still say, “Thank you” …. And also, WILL THIS HEAT EVER EVER DIE?!?!?!
15. the mama bird diaries | August 23rd, 2010 at 2:29 pm
Wait – Jennifer Aniston doesn’t make good movies?
16. Cait | August 23rd, 2010 at 3:27 pm
Wendi, you’re the bee’s knees. Which are located right below the bees überthigh
!!
Thanks for the laugh
17. Sarah | August 23rd, 2010 at 5:41 pm
I’m way further north than you and I am feeling the same way today. Uber thigh. Yes, my entire body is an uber thigh, an uber thigh with double chin(s). I like the hot yoga idea. I linked this post on FB today: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/sarah.lindahl
18. ms picket to you | August 23rd, 2010 at 9:11 pm
just spent our “vacation” fogged in on the Vineyard.
post sunset, when i donned SOCKS on a beach it was so flippin cold, i swear i heard your voice…
and so i sweat just a little bit for you.
it was the least I could do.
19. angie | August 23rd, 2010 at 10:49 pm
i would use ice and dirt and have a few mud wrestling parties…invites out on craigslist.
that, and/or bake a cake in the car while you go into the store for icing.
i heart the last idea you added there. you’re rediculous.
20. christy | August 24th, 2010 at 4:58 am
You are so funny! See you in the meat locker!
21. Diane | August 24th, 2010 at 5:36 am
But Peajay – it’s a dry heat. Feel like we live in the Bayou these days. Who can recommend a good ooze-free makeup to conceal my crows feet and angry lines? Scaring even the dog these days.
22. Cassie | August 24th, 2010 at 6:18 am
I had a list similar to that when I lived in Las Vegas. LOL
23. Heather of the EO | August 24th, 2010 at 6:21 am
There is only one blog I read out loud to my husband because I know he’ll laugh along with me — that has been Ann’s Rants…
now she’s not alone, you have my husband’s undivided attention with your hilarity.
I love it.
24. Becky (Princess Mikkimoto) | August 24th, 2010 at 7:26 am
That Popsicle thing could really take off.
And here I thought the Midwest was the only idiots that did the “Cold enuff fur ya?”
25. gigi | August 24th, 2010 at 8:29 am
Can we add “go to Six Flags the day before school starts and run your kids to the point of heat exhaustion so they miss their first day of school.”
The uberthigh. OMG. I have an uberthigh even when it’s not this freaking hot in the ATX.
26. Justine | August 24th, 2010 at 8:37 am
LOL. Love your list. Sadly, the weather is cooling down over here, making its way to Fall. Such an overachieving system – fall technically shouldn’t even be here in another month! Anyway, the next time there’s a heatwave, I will think of this post. And my Uber Thighs. And Hot Yoga in the car. Brilliant!
27. Tiaras & Tantrums | August 24th, 2010 at 9:29 am
I think I need a bra like that !
28. Karen in San Diego | August 24th, 2010 at 9:54 am
I’ll never look at a Big Stick the same way again . . .
Love your stuff! !!!!!
29. giblet | August 24th, 2010 at 12:06 pm
hug the a/c repair man that just replaced the capacitor that decided to give up the ghost the night BEFORE the record breaking heat(while feeling the new cold air from the vents)…BTW…consider this a plug for those A/C repair guys…my heroes.
30. Bekah | August 24th, 2010 at 1:58 pm
I’m all about the popsicles and sno cone bras! Or rubbing ice cubes all over your body…not that I’ve done that.
31. The Flying Chalupa | August 24th, 2010 at 3:39 pm
Hmmm…the fisherprice hypodermic needle. That could definitely come in handy. At the moment, I’d like to inject some caffeine into my veins. But ice water sounds like a pick-me-up as well.
Is the heat getting to you, Wendi? Just a little?
32. Happy Woman | August 24th, 2010 at 3:44 pm
I love your suggestions, I wonder if they would work for the women in my office who are constantly complaining that it’s hot in here even when the rest of us are wearing mukluks and giant sweaters. I think the snow-cone bra is genius!
33. zchamu | August 24th, 2010 at 5:50 pm
You forgot “invent new descriptive names for the exotic smells wafting off every person you come within six feet of”. Mmmm.
34. ann | August 24th, 2010 at 7:25 pm
Uber thigh.
You made me laugh even though I’m so tired.
35. alexandra | August 24th, 2010 at 11:40 pm
Such FUN reading on this perfect 72 degree night here in Wisconsin. Hm….where IS my light wrap? I feel a delicious light chill.
Oh, my, IF I felt “hot enuff fer ya?” right now? I’d go with the popsicle in places they should’nt be..
IF there was a need.
You and hokgardner can come visit ANYTIME.
36. Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him | August 25th, 2010 at 6:58 am
As a former Arizonan, I know these tricks well. Include ‘telling your husband sex will only be considered after hours at Cold Stone Creamery on that slab.’
37. Laura | August 25th, 2010 at 3:28 pm
Snow cones. Duct tape. Laughing. So. Hard. Can’t. Breathe.
38. Invader_Stu | August 26th, 2010 at 8:55 am
Hehe. I think the fact that I read backwards starting with the post were you apologised for this post made it even funnier if that is possible.
39. Former Austinite | August 26th, 2010 at 4:19 pm
Oh, how I don’t miss Austin summers! Last year I felt like every time I walked outside that i had instead walked into an oven! I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The deer came in farther into town because they couldn’t find anything to eat except peoples lawns.
40. Kate Coveny Hood | September 18th, 2010 at 10:37 am
That thigh thing is exactly what makes me very jealous of people with bowed legs. I’m serious, I would love to never feel my thighs touch – sweaty or not. But then I also can’t think about my toes touching without feeling a little faint. Body issues much?
Loved the evaporating tears.
41. Funny Bitch Friday: Wendi&hellip | August 26th, 2011 at 12:31 am
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