Watch your landscaping die!
Cry big raging tears that immediately evaporate!
Burn off your fingerprints on your scalding hot steering wheel! (Perfect for criminals!)
Stand inside your house and scream, “ENJOY THE HEATSTROKE, DUMBASS!” at passersby!
Abandon your family for the skeevy eight-fingered butcher who has a walk-in meat locker!
Go on, make that tube of clinical strength deodorant your punk lil bitch!
Shoot an eight ball of ice water into your veins with a Fisher-Price hypodermic needle!
Permanently fuse your sweaty upper legs together to create one giant Uber Thigh!
Voluntarily sit through an air conditioned Jennifer Aniston romantic comedy! Without rolling your eyes even once!
Make your own sexy and refreshing Wonder bra with two cherry Sno-Cones and a roll of duct tape!
Send non-stop emails to Levi Johnston offering to be his Wasilla, Alaska concubine! No questions asked!
Save money on “hot yoga” classes by sitting in car and reaching for things in the backseat!
Ask people, “Hot enough for ya?” then hysterically laugh until they throw their Venti Mocha Frappuccino in your face!
And finally, late at night, when nobody’s looking, put a few Popsicles in places they really, really shouldn’t go! Ooooo! Chilly!