Today I’m doing something I don’t usually do and that’s writing this post on the fly. Yes, as unbelievable as it sounds, most weeks I usually put time and effort into my blog posts, but today I can’t do that because I’m headed to NYC for BlogHer10 and I’m busy, busy, busy. (If you have no interest in this BlogHer stuff, you might want to stop reading now and click over to TMZ to see what Lohan’s new prison tat looks like. I hear it’s a drawing of her jailhouse girlfriend Pussy Pistol Sanchez, but that might just be a rumor I started.)
BlogHer10 is a huge convention where 3 million women (give or take) get together and talk about things like SEOs, URLs, hashtags and other things that make me feel like I’m flunking Geometry again. But it’s also a great opportunity to meet people in real life who you only know on the internet. Sort of like hooking up with someone from Craig’s List only without the threat of being arrested for solicitation and/or human trafficking.
Anyway, at last year’s BlogHer, I was a nervous wreck because I read my Diet Coke piece to a room of 3 million women (give or take), but this year the lovely Marinka has that honor. I’ve asked her to read one of my posts about Manilow, but for some reason, she’s refusing and instead insists upon reading something she wrote herself. Hmph. She probably won’t even mention the Copacabana.
My fellow Mouthy Housewives–-Kelcey and Marinka—and I will also be sharing our wisdom on a panel called “Dear Abby 2.0: Giving Advice in the Blogosphere” with the hilarious MommyWantsVodka. Then later that night, the three of us are throwing a fabulous Mouthy Housewives Happy Hour at a swanky NYC lounge. We’re going to have meatballs, pink beauty pageant sashes and tons of wine, so it’ll be just like being in a sorority all over again. (Except hopefully this time nobody will make out with my boyfriend in the men’s room.) Anyway, I’m so excited about this party that I even made a video you should watch. (Seriously—go look. It’s a hell of a lot better than what’s on summer TV right now. I’ve been watching Bassmasters for two straight weeks.)
So in the midst of all my pre-trip preparations, here are a few things I’m fretting about today:
What if I get my roommate Kelcey’s breast pump confused with my blowdryer and then I have to spend the rest of the weekend with Medela nozzles stuck in my hair?
What if I take a wrong turn in NYC and wind up in a flophouse in Saskatchewan? I don’t know how to speak frickin’ Canadian.
What if Kelcey and Marinka are just kidding about what’s in style and I really shouldn’t be wearing mom jeans and embroidered cat sweatshirts all weekend?
What if I get discovered by a modeling scout on 5th Avenue and he wants me to give up my family to be the new face of Cherokee pleated shorts?
What if I get arrested for holding up a sign in the The Today Show window that says, “GO F*CK YOURSELF, KATHIE LEE!”
What if Hoda Kotb then bails me out of jail and gives me $1,000 and a big, wet kiss?
Or, more realistically, what if I take too much Benadryl and fall asleep in the Austin airport and don’t wake up until it’s all over?
But to be honest, I guess I should just calm down because there’s no reason to worry about any of that stuff right now. I know I’m going to have a wonderful time in NYC and none of those bad things are ever going to happen.
I mean, besides the Kathie Lee sign.
(Does anyone know if American Airlines lets you carry on poster board?)
I tried to do the following joke on Twitter earlier, but it kind of flopped because I could only use 140 characters. So I’m going to try it again:
There’s a new app for the iPhone that lets you see pictures of the FBI’s 10 Most Wanted criminals. Causing carnival workers everywhere to start saying, “Turn off your f-in phone or I won’t let you off this Tilt-A-Whirl, lady.”
Huh. Maybe 140-characters wasn’t the problem after all.