1. I have been very busy this past week trying to legally change my name to “Wendi Ochocinco.”
(FALSE)
2. Last spring, I gave the PTA President a book called “Pole Dancing 101: A Visual Guide” as a going-away present.
(TRUE)
3. I once videotaped a brain surgery in Portland, Oregon under false pretenses.
(TRUE)
4. My sorority nickname was “Bongwater Johnson.”
(FALSE)
(But only if you’re my parents)
5. In 1988, I was a background player in the movie Naughty Night Nurses 3: Open Up and Say AHHHH.
(FALSE)
(The producer didn’t think I made a convincing enough coma patient)
6. I met Mel Gibson on a film set one time and he didn’t once call me “Sugar t*ts” or try to punch my teeth out.
(TRUE)
(But he’s still a complete jackass)
7. My friend Marinka told me I could stay at her apartment in NYC next week if I make her Hot Pockets every morning and don’t look her directly in the eye unless I’m spoken to. I also have to bring my own towel.
(TRUE)
8. I think Donald, the asthmatic check-out guy at Target, has a crush on me.
(TRUE)
(He always honors my expired Tide coupons)
9. My husband and I are currently trying to adopt a 17-year-old boy from Canada named Justin Bieber.
(FALSE)
10. For the past 20 years, I’ve listened to Aretha Franklin at least once a day.
(TRUE)
11. Last week I thought I had multiple sclerosis, but then I realized my foot just fell asleep when I was playing Spider Solitaire in the lotus position for an hour.
(TRUE)
12. I like to leave nasty comments on Twilight fan pages using the screen name “BloodySwifferBitch32.”
(FALSE)
(OK, NOT REALLY THAT FALSE)
13. Jimmy Kimmel once complimented me on my truly amazing Pop-A-Shot basketball skills.
(TRUE)
14. The book I just can’t put down is “Miles to Go” by Miley Cyrus. Damn, but that girl can write.
(FALSE, SHE’S NO ESTEEMED LADY OF LETTERS LIKE MS. TORI SPELLING)
15. I have the Chinese word for “Enlightenment” tattooed on my back, but just found out it might actually say “Porky Lady Honky Face.” However, this doesn’t really upset me.
(FALSE)
(It really does upset me because now I will no longer feel comfortable wearing tank tops in Beijing)
16. When I have a really bad sinus headache and have just taken a crapload of strong medicine, I should probably remember to stay away from my computer.
(TRUE)
(SO VERY, VERY TRUE)
You have led a rich life, indeed.
By the way, did you notice today’s Groupon Austin? A discount for pole-dancing lessons (TRUE).
ha! I have self-diagnosed myself with MS many times after hours on the computer.
and a few other things, too.
Mmmm…hot pockets!
Ok, some of these really require additional explanation. Specifically, the brain surgery videotape and Jimmy Kimmel. Details, please?
You know I’m going to have to go Google for BloodySwifferBitch32 (and all its variations) now, don’t you?
My mother has self-diagnosed herself with Alzheimers and refuses to listen to any member of the family that tells her she is just fine.
I have a feeling I should be asking for the hot pockets recipe, but then again, I smell of poop. [true]
Also, I should definitely stay away from the computer when I’m dead tired.
This should really be a mandatory psych test. I failed #9 and #11, what does that say about me? And, more importantly, you?
F***ing hilarious, you should take crap loads of sinus meds all the time!
I really, really wish the Ochocinco one were true. That guy makes me laugh every day.
I’m sorry – but the name “Justin Ochocinco” doesn’t have quite the same star quality. I have GOT to read more…and Miley and Tori are top of the list.
Loved this!
If Marinka puts you on friend probation or whatever she called it again, you can come stay with me at Aunt Grace’s apartment. It’s very nice. Unfortunately, Aunt Grace is freakishly clean and intimidating, and you would have to put plastic bags on your feet. And not actually sit on the furniture. And bring your own towel. Oh wait, Marinka said that too. And we’re only allowed to drink white wine, because red wine stains. I’m thinking that vodka would be stainless too, so that’s good. But other than that, it would be loads of fun.
Aretha Franklin daily? With her talent, that’s a musical choice rather than a neurosis. But if you bought her inauguration hat on eBay, and you wear it daily (not that I know anything)… well, I suppose there’s room here for a 17th question, wouldn’t you say, Wendi?
oh, you’re just like my smart ass high school girlfriend that I miss so much…
Your blog should come with a warning or some sort of safety function. I am no longer allowed to read it during a night shift. We only have rolly desk chairs in our office and a combination of fatigue, wheels, too much instant Nescafe and this post resulted in me giggling on the floor under the desk with a cup of coffee on the chair. Another nurse came in to see what happened to me and she sat on my cup of coffee, which made me giggle under the desk even longer.
I heart you.
Oh bullshit! They are all true! LMAO!
Best post ever! Sooo so funny. And that’s TRUE!
Am in the back of a cab that smells like curry, Patchouli and really bad BO and I don’t care because I am laughing so hard I can barely type. Freakin’ fantastic Wendi.
Well, Sugar T*ts, I am glad you and Mel have never had a run in! I don’t know that you will be so lucky with Marinka though! You had better keep your eyes on the down low and those pockets hot!
SO VERY, VERY FUNNY! Sinus medication induced humor…Love it! A side effect worthy of a warning label rewrite!
I take Ambien and every once in a while my body doesn’t cooperate and go to bed.
It’s like drunk dialing old boyfriends…but worse because of Facebook.
I don’t even really know where to begin. Except perhaps to say Whatchu want!
Baby I got it! I don’t know where I’m going with that except that I wish I was three beers in at a karaoke club. Bongwater Johnson, something tells me you’d be up there with me.
Wendi, you have to get yourself a name you can call your own. I don’t know how many posts you’ve written that are just screaming for help. You’re street cred is gonna suck without one.
Porky Lady Honky Face–is that number 23?
I love it with tofu.
#8 and #11 are my favorites!
I’m just glad I’m not the only one madly googling ms every time I sit too long in one position. You should write under the influence more often (TRUE).
I so wanna be your friend. Fanilow. Bongwater. Aretha. But you had me with Porky Lady Honky Face. I’m in love.
And #3? I used to be a neuroscientist – details please?
Damn, don’t you hope our daughters will grow up and write lovely books about us?
I thought I was dying on Tuesday. Only to find out I had accidentally had decaf for 2 days.
True!
A. Marinka sounds a bit like Tom Cruise (true story about my husband installing furniture)
B.Your NOT sorority nickname is way cooler than mine.
C.Scarlett Johannsen sat on my lap once and told me my acting career was going nowhere. Which was when I stood up and dropped her in a pile of cow shit.
All of this is either mostly true or somewhat false.
OMG, girl. You crack me up. And I knew the Justin Bieber one was false. Because he’s only 16.
You make me laugh.
I’m at a coffee shop now eavesdropping on a guy who knows what really happened with that whole Jesus story. He says “So…” a lot in an important way and lists his points of evidence with A), B), C). (True)
I was going with a True default on all. Thanks for the drug-induced quiz. Awesome.
So you are that bloodyswifferbitch? I must too cut back on my stalking of Twilight message boards.
Oh, and I want to be on your gift giving list. Pole dancing 101. Nice.
Thank goodness you didn’t put the answers upside down and in teeny print like those quizzes in TV Guide!
I think I saw Pork Lady Honky Face in college. Cute bassist, right?
I think it’s so beautiful that you are opening your home to needy Canadian pop stars.
So happy to have found this gem through Marinka. I’m smitten. Beware, I know where you’ll be this weekend 🙂 Look forward to meeting you.
Number 12 – I would