1. I have been very busy this past week trying to legally change my name to “Wendi Ochocinco.”

(FALSE)

2. Last spring, I gave the PTA President a book called “Pole Dancing 101: A Visual Guide” as a going-away present.

(TRUE)

3. I once videotaped a brain surgery in Portland, Oregon under false pretenses.

(TRUE)

4. My sorority nickname was “Bongwater Johnson.”

(FALSE)

(But only if you’re my parents)

5. In 1988, I was a background player in the movie Naughty Night Nurses 3: Open Up and Say AHHHH.

(FALSE)

(The producer didn’t think I made a convincing enough coma patient)

6. I met Mel Gibson on a film set one time and he didn’t once call me “Sugar t*ts” or try to punch my teeth out.

(TRUE)

(But he’s still a complete jackass)

7. My friend Marinka told me I could stay at her apartment in NYC next week if I make her Hot Pockets every morning and don’t look her directly in the eye unless I’m spoken to.  I also have to bring my own towel.

(TRUE)

8. I think Donald, the asthmatic check-out guy at Target, has a crush on me.

(TRUE)

(He always honors my expired Tide coupons)

9. My husband and I are currently trying to adopt a 17-year-old boy from Canada named Justin Bieber.

(FALSE)

10. For the past 20 years, I’ve listened to Aretha Franklin at least once a day.

(TRUE)

11. Last week I thought I had multiple sclerosis, but then I realized my foot just fell asleep when I was playing Spider Solitaire in the lotus position for an hour.

(TRUE)

12. I like to leave nasty comments on Twilight fan pages using the screen name “BloodySwifferBitch32.”

(FALSE)

(OK, NOT REALLY THAT FALSE)

13. Jimmy Kimmel once complimented me on my truly amazing Pop-A-Shot basketball skills.

(TRUE)

14. The book I just can’t put down is “Miles to Go” by Miley Cyrus. Damn, but that girl can write.

(FALSE, SHE’S NO ESTEEMED LADY OF LETTERS LIKE MS. TORI SPELLING)

15. I have the Chinese word for “Enlightenment” tattooed on my back, but just found out it might actually say “Porky Lady Honky Face.” However, this doesn’t really upset me.

(FALSE)

(It really does upset me because now I will no longer feel comfortable wearing tank tops in Beijing)

16. When I have a really bad sinus headache and have just taken a crapload of strong medicine, I should probably remember to stay away from my computer.

(TRUE)

(SO VERY, VERY TRUE)