Last week I started going to another 5:30 a.m. Boot Camp. I’m putting myself through this torture because somehow I seem to have gained 10 pounds over the winter and now none of my summer clothes want to cooperate with my big ass. (My GAP Bermudas can be such insensitive jerks.)
Now, I think I gained the weight because of a dormant thyroid condition, but my husband insists it wasn’t my thyroid that was hiding in a Snuggie inhaling coffee creamer, Thin Mints and chardonnay all winter long while watching Hoarders marathons. No, it was yours truly sucking that crap down. But you know what? Tomato, easily winded tomatoh. I’m chubby.
That’s why I’m now getting up in the dark every morning, eating an energy bar, then heading over to the mall parking lot where I do 60-minutes of running and lunges in something of a fugue state. I do this with a group of other crazy people who can’t fit into their capris without a shoehorn, and trust me, we all just LOVE it.
Anyway, here’s something I wrote a couple years ago when I was doing another Boot Camp. Sadly, it’s all still true. (And it may be just a little obvious that my favorite class in college was “Vietnam in Film”.)
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m just going to go lie down in a tub full of Icy/Hot and relax for a bit. And fondly dream of those blanket-covered, snack-filled winter nights on the couch when my thighs were safely hidden from the world.
Why I Am Disappointed In My Bikini Boot Camp
1. Drill Instructor is a petite blond named Tiffani, not badass Louis Gossett, Jr.
2. Despite repeated requests, nobody calls me “Maggot”
3. Instead of “Drop and give me 20, shithead!”, Tiffani simply mutters,”Um, could you guys, like, do some push-ups now?”
4. Although I’ve been known to mouth off, I’ve still never once been forced to scrub out a latrine with my toothbrush
5. For some reason, the other recruits seem more concerned with getting in shape than building a strong Bikini Army
6. Wagner’s “Flight of the Valkyries” voted out in favor of Shakira’s “Hips Don’t Lie” as daily training music
7. Running cadence is lame, “I don’t know, but I’ve been told, you gotta fluff your sheets before you fold”
8. Chanting “This is my rifle. There are many like it, but this one is mine” while holding a yoga mat—-not really as awesome
9. My attempt to give other squad members hardcore nicknames like “Joker,” “Mississippi” and “Doggy Style” met with strong disapproval
10. So far, nobody else in Bikini Bootcamp will agree to play War Games against our rival Skirtini Boot Camp, even though we can so obviously kick their squat-thrusting FNG asses
11. Finally, despite repeated requests for an armored assault vehicle, the only weapons issued are 5 pound free weights and elastic bands. And sometimes a coupon for frozen yogurt.
I can’t believe your husband is so insensitive to your thyroid condition.
I tired, “This is my rifle, this is my gun. this is for fighting and this is for fun,” in my gym once. I was asked to never come back.
I’m supposed to be taking a shower right now. But I can’t stand w/o feeling dizzy. I just came back from boot camp minutes ago. It hurts to type.
Game on sister. I don’t want my arms to wiggle when I wave HELLO to you in NYC.
When we need to call upon our bikini army, we’re going to be so disappointed in those other women. How thoughtless.
Maggot, I feel your pain. I’ve been trying to get people to call me MoFoHo for years and the closest anyone gets is Hon or Honey. Gimme a break!
Next time you’re feeling blue, remember the wise, wise words of Mr. Rogers: “Some are fancy on the outside, some are fancy on the inside. Everybody’s fancy, everybody’s fine. Your body’s fancy and so is mine.” PS this also works as an alluring siren song for the hubby after kids are in bed. 🙂
The last one I did we had to turn in a food diary, count up all the calories and do the math on fat/protein/carb %. I was all duuuude, I did not sign up for the paperwork.
But like Cheryl #5, I have been trying to get people to take me seriously for years. So, after I am off probation for deferred adjudication I am going back to the courthouse and changing my middle name to the gerund that starts with F. Watch out army!
Too bad Tiffani didn’t get the memo about the power of humiliation. Maybe she should make everybody actually wear bikinis during the workouts…not THAT would put some fear into the morning.
No No No, they’re called ‘THIN’ mints because they make you thin. Right? RIIIIGHT????
This is why I just stick with Tankini boot camp.
I’m not even THINKING about morning at 5:30am. Does being in a fugue state make any of the work easier or less painful? Because I could compromise. Right now, if you try to wake me up at that horrible hour, I’d certainly call you Maggot.
This post reminds me of the scene in Dazed and Confused where the high school senior girls are hazing the incoming freshman in the parking lot. They’re lying on the parking lot ground and wiggling around while the senior yells “Fry like bacon you little piggies! Fry! Fry!” Maybe you can try to work that into your new bootcamp class.
You are living the dream with me. I’ve been boot camping it since January. Now, I have let myself get so rundown that I have a cold again. Am I bikini ready? Not so much. Definitely fitter and tighter but also hungry all the time. Don’t think the skinny jeans are really happening.
Keep it up! I’ll call you Maggot if it helps any.
Awesome, Wendi! I’m going start calling my boot campers maggots on Monday. I wonder how it’ll go over.
P.S. – I share your same Vietnam film obsession.
I’m sorry, I had a seizure at the thought of Icy/Hot coming into contact with my cooch.
Oh that made me laugh! On with the war games!
And he shouldn’t be insensitive to those thyroid conditions. 😉
Some days I long for the outfits and bathing suites of the 1900’s, you know when more was more, and you didn’t have to worry about stuff like extra baby weight and shaving. Sigh.
lady, you are hysterical! this post cracked me up. best of luck on your fitness efforts! i’m working on a little slimdown myself with a trip to cali coming up soon… my routine mostly consists of squats in the shower (goddamn sexy, eh?) and leg-lifts with my 13-month old as a weight. we’ll see how it pans out! ha!
cheers!
I’ll call you maggot. My only concern is that you have a snuggie… so NOT army attire!
Ok Maggot, listen here… Boot camp at 5:30 am is for the mentally disturbed. Now pick up your riffle, unfold it on that concrete and get back to sleep! I’m sure the Gap makes those capris one size larger.
Look Wendi, I’m 41 now, and at 41 I have found that I am far more comfortable in my own skin than I was at 21. Of course now its more roomy,kind of like a Sharpei actually. My double chin is helping to keep my wrinkles pulled out, kind of like adding weights to the bottom of your sheer curtains. Hmmmm….. 5:30 you say.
YES SIR MAY I HAVE ANOTHER
The have a 5:30 in the MORNING?!
I think you could work the Snuggie into the workout – they wear the camo rain gear in Private Benjamin and Platoon, so the Snuggie could easily be worn. I dont know how you do it at 5:30…I am still bitching about having to get up at 8:00 for work in a community pharmacy, where I get “paid with experience” instead of with actual cash. (crying hysterically) – I’VE GOT NO PLACE ELSE TO GO!!!!!!
I would so be your comrade at Booty Camp. I will call you Maggot if you call me Cali.
We can take over the whole class and get them into fighting Tankini shape! Whoo-Ahhh!
I totally know where the Firemen work out in the morning. Meet you at 6am with some chocolate croissants and a couple lattes?
Word
“…when my thighs were safely hidden from the world.”
There’s a reason I don’t wear shorts lol
What color is your snuggie? I just *have* to know..
OMG, I could NOT do this! Getting up in the dark for torture and yelling? I do take spinning classes three times a week, but at a Godly hour. And they are enough to kill a person. Here’s the BAD news: I have exercised SO MUCH that my body is used to it now, I am hungrier, and still not svelte! But I have the heart rate of a kid, and my cholesterol is very low. But you can’t put that heartrate into a bikini, now can you? molly
If you don’t go with Karen at French Skinny to watch the Firemen, I’ll go in your place.
I think we should get the meanest and loudest of us to all show up once at the bootcamp to scare Tiffani to death and go to war with the skirtini crew. And we should all wear Snuggies. Then I want to go watch the Firemen.
Just reading this made me ache all over. God; I’m 57; there is no freakin’ way I’d get up at oh dark thirty to do squats in a parking lot — fugue state or not.
My dearest Skibum remembers every last jody he ever learned in the Army, and, when sufficiently spifflicated, will sing them with gusto and in purest Army Creole.
I might ask him for one, and if it could survive internet editing controls, I might post it.
You can come to our boot camp, Wendi. Our dimpled, young, ex-Marine mixed-martial arts (artist?) boot camp instructor DID call us “maggots” once. I immediately fell out of my push-up onto the mat laughing. Can’t say it was a successful strategy to make me work harder, but it did brighten my dark morning. He also informed us that the appropriate greeting for a fellow Marine was just a chin jerk and “kill” muttered under your breath.