Last week I started going to another 5:30 a.m. Boot Camp. I’m putting myself through this torture because somehow I seem to have gained 10 pounds over the winter and now none of my summer clothes want to cooperate with my big ass. (My GAP Bermudas can be such insensitive jerks.)
Now, I think I gained the weight because of a dormant thyroid condition, but my husband insists it wasn’t my thyroid that was hiding in a Snuggie inhaling coffee creamer, Thin Mints and chardonnay all winter long while watching Hoarders marathons. No, it was yours truly sucking that crap down. But you know what? Tomato, easily winded tomatoh. I’m chubby.
That’s why I’m now getting up in the dark every morning, eating an energy bar, then heading over to the mall parking lot where I do 60-minutes of running and lunges in something of a fugue state. I do this with a group of other crazy people who can’t fit into their capris without a shoehorn, and trust me, we all just LOVE it.
Anyway, here’s something I wrote a couple years ago when I was doing another Boot Camp. Sadly, it’s all still true. (And it may be just a little obvious that my favorite class in college was “Vietnam in Film”.)
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m just going to go lie down in a tub full of Icy/Hot and relax for a bit. And fondly dream of those blanket-covered, snack-filled winter nights on the couch when my thighs were safely hidden from the world.
Why I Am Disappointed In My Bikini Boot Camp
1. Drill Instructor is a petite blond named Tiffani, not badass Louis Gossett, Jr.
2. Despite repeated requests, nobody calls me “Maggot”
3. Instead of “Drop and give me 20, shithead!”, Tiffani simply mutters,”Um, could you guys, like, do some push-ups now?”
4. Although I’ve been known to mouth off, I’ve still never once been forced to scrub out a latrine with my toothbrush
5. For some reason, the other recruits seem more concerned with getting in shape than building a strong Bikini Army
6. Wagner’s “Flight of the Valkyries” voted out in favor of Shakira’s “Hips Don’t Lie” as daily training music
7. Running cadence is lame, “I don’t know, but I’ve been told, you gotta fluff your sheets before you fold”
8. Chanting “This is my rifle. There are many like it, but this one is mine” while holding a yoga mat—-not really as awesome
9. My attempt to give other squad members hardcore nicknames like “Joker,” “Mississippi” and “Doggy Style” met with strong disapproval
10. So far, nobody else in Bikini Bootcamp will agree to play War Games against our rival Skirtini Boot Camp, even though we can so obviously kick their squat-thrusting FNG asses
11. Finally, despite repeated requests for an armored assault vehicle, the only weapons issued are 5 pound free weights and elastic bands. And sometimes a coupon for frozen yogurt.