I knew we were in for an interesting cruise after my 70-year-old father was drunkenly propositioned in the men’s room the first night of our trip.
“Well, I guess that’s why it’s called a ‘Funship’,” he said to us the next morning as we all relaxed in the bright pink lobby. “I just don’t think I want to have that much fun. Guess I’ll use the toilet in my stateroom from now on since I’m so damn irresistible.”
The nine of us – my parents, my sister, her husband and son, and my two boys and husband Chris – had decided we wanted to try something new for Christmas, so last December we went on a week-long cruise to the Mexican Riviera. We all thought it’d be a better use of our money than buying each other gifts. (Or, as my mother so eloquently put it: “fighting the crappy mobs to buy crappy crap that nobody needs and nobody wants.”)
My father’s experience aside, everyone enjoyed the first two days of our trip, all of us eagerly exploring the enormous vessel and getting our sea legs. But it wasn’t long before we discovered the dirty little secret that all cruise ships share: There are other passengers on board.
And they’re nasty.
Now I’m not saying that our particular cruise line went to the Appalachian State Fair and handed out free boarding passes to the scummiest Tilt-A-Whirl operators they could find, but I’m not saying they didn’t, either. But, for whatever reason, our ship was just jam-packed with a plethora of freaky, rude people who did whatever the hell they felt like doing. Like the skinny, pimply gentleman who thought it was a good idea to wear a souvenir t-shirt showing what can best be described as “cartoon bestiality” to the formal dining room one night. “Wow, that lady sure likes that donkey!” my nephew yelled as all six of us dashed to shield the kids’ eyes from the ironed-on horror seated at the next table. “Maybe she’s an animal doctor!”
Or the man with a rather elaborate neck tattoo who held court in the Serenity Deck hot tub each afternoon. Thanks to him, I now know quite a bit of California penal system lingo, as well as how to smuggle drugs into the country via a Mexican wrestler mask, two bottles of hand sanitizer and an infant.
Then there were the passengers who simply went into a feeding frenzy every time the buffet lines opened. You would have thought their last meal was three days ago, (not three hours ago), by the way they pushed and shoved to cram their trays full of high-calorie cruising food. It was like Free Meatball Day at the local animal shelter or something. Finally, after someone mistook my hand for a piece of chicken and stabbed me with a sharp fork, I decided to spend the rest of my dinner hours having piña coladas and popcorn at the pool bar.
Perhaps it’s because I’m used to good manners, or perhaps it’s because I come from the school that says it’s really not okay to wear your bathrobe to evening musical revues, but I found the behavior of the other passengers to be just appalling. My parents – who’ve been on many cruises, including a 32-day one through the Panama Canal – said they’d never seen anything like it. Even my 6-year-old son told me, “Mommy, I try to do ‘ladies first’ out of the elevator, but nobody else here does that. They just crash into me. Santa’s sure gonna be mad at them, huh?”
Finally, on the last day of our ill-fated Christmas cruise, after being bumped, pushed, sweated on and offended in any number of ways by my fellow passengers, I decided that since I wasn’t going to beat ‘em, I’d just have to outfreak the freakies. So I went to my cabin, packed away the nice, tasteful clothing I’d brought along and removed my make-up and shoes. Then I took a big swig from my $10 bottle of mini-bar beer, and wincingly put on the Barry Manilow concert t-shirt and Kate Gosselin Halloween wig that I’d brought along to scare my sister in the privacy of our staterooms. Once ready, I swung open the door, and proudly marched through the entire ship to the Lido Deck where I sat on a chaise lounge chair eating my weight in hot dogs and scratching my feet with a butter knife for the next two hours.
Nobody even batted an eye.
Next year, we’ve already decided that we’re going to go back to spending Christmas at my parents’ house like usual. True, it’s not as glamorous as a cruise to Mexico, or as exciting as an adventure on the high seas. But at least my dad will be able to go to the bathroom without a bodyguard.
My essay originally published in the April ’10 issue of Austin Woman Magazine.
(And there actually is photographic evidence of me sitting on the Lido Deck in my Gosselin wig, but it will hopefully never see the light of day as long as I continue to send my sister $20 a month.)
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Also, big news! The Mouthy Housewives are turning ONE this week! I know, hard to believe since we all look so incredibly youthful and vibrant. Anyway, this week we’re asking you to help us with OUR problems. Click on over!
I can’t thank you enough for writing this. My husband has been pushing a cruise for a long time and now I’m one blog post landing on his desk short for him never to bring it up again.
Oh, boy – my husband will read this tonight.
See! See! THIS is exactly why I refuse to go on a cruise.
Good lord, woman. Welcome home.
I have cruised many times, and it seems that cruise line is known for that. I like RC, the passangers there at least have basic maners. Better luck next time!! We joke that the “funship” gets most of their passengers by handing out free tickets at their name sake.
When I went on a cruise with my grandmother, I pretty much had the outside decks to myself on the second day because all the pasty white northerners had fried themselves to a bright pink, blistered crisp on the first day and had retreated inside to play bingo and binge on buffet food.
Tell your son he gets extra points with Santa this year.
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by eileen griffin, Wendi Aarons. Wendi Aarons said: Why I'll never set foot on another cruise ship. New post: http://tinyurl.com/2euzxck […]
Those big cruise ships are nothin’ but sardine cans. For cryin’ out loud… the only reason to put that many folks on one boat is to invade another country.
Hysterical. I still can’t believe that people go on those things voluntarily. I assumed you’d accepted some sort of a plea bargain.
I’ve actually been bugging my boyfriend to go on a cruise… thank you for bringing me to my senses! How could I have forgotten that I hate other people??
I’m going on a cruise in 9 days. You better be on it, scratching your foot with a butter knife. Or, at the very least, I better hear a Barry Manilow song at least once.
I didn’t realize Carnival cruise lines brought in actual carnies to complete the experience.
a few questions: is your dad Larry Craig? does he have a ‘wide stance’? how come *I* never get hit on in the men’s room?
OMG, it’s just like going to Eilat in the summer!
Come visit, Wendi, and bring the wig.
This rocked and I’d so pay your sister $50 to get my hands on that photo!
Hilarious! Sounds like you went down the Redneck Riviera! I guess that’s who heads to Mexico at the height of swinegate!
Great reminder on why we “choose not to cruise” … I guess your dad’s bathroom paramour took the word cruise literally. Aww yeah!
We went on one “cruise to nowhere” for my in-law’s 50th anniversary. Big boat o’ Staten Islanders, where the siren call was: “Look Tony, FREE LOBSTER TAILS!” After the “Hairiest Back Contest” on day 1, we repaired to a defendable corner of the deck, circled our deck chairs and hoarded Pina Coladas. I never thought I’d find myself IN the snob camp, but even we low-lifes have standards!
OMGoodness this reminds me so much of my most recent Disney trip. I have to tell you, once you’ve hit adulthood (I’m 23 currently) the Disney “Magic” has cleared away. My Mother always calls it “The Happiest Place on Earth” but after too many crabby families, Cinderella sneezing on my nephew, and the little boy on the plane who kept yelling “We’re Crashing!!!” everytime we hit turbulence, it’s a little old. I think I’ll wait a few more years to go back…
P.S… Wendi…I’ve been a fan ever since the “Have a Happy Period” post. I LOVE you’re stuff. 🙂
OMG, I want to see that photo!
It sounds awful. My parents like to cruise but I’ve never been. All that food….
Maybe it was the time of year???
This explains my gene pool and why I was never handed out any travel, gypsy blood. Never wanting to venture out and mingle, the whole idea of seeing new things escapes me. I have had the experience of having my father hit on at a gas station on a trip in the middle of nowhere – not as classy as your experience but once you see it, you never forget it.
Hope your dad recovered – think I will stay home and save the money for therapy…
Too bad you guys had a crappy cruise. Our first cruise was a blast.. but I was also 3 months pregnant, ended up getting strep throat and put on 3 weeks of bed rest when we got back home.
Good lord woman! You are cruising the wrong line!!
You might want to check out a different line LOL!
I’ve never had that experience although quite
entertaining I think I’ll pass LOL
I have never understood the cruise love.
I went on one, got sea sick, took some Mexican cure and missed the rest of the cruise.
Please don’t make me do that again! I don’t care how cute the nautical look is.
Thanks!
So, what you’re saying is that if we all band together and send your sister $30 a month, that picture may surface? LOL!
I love your parents’ sense of humor. I see where you get it. Crappy crap that nobody wants…. PRICELESS! And oh, so true!
Oh, Lord. I’ve been on exactly one cruise in my lifetime. Under extreme duress from well-meaning friends.
One. Cruise. Too. Many.
I’ll leave it at that.
Fab essay.
XO
A.
Oh, you get your funny from your dad. I love his line, “I guess that’s why they call it the Fun ship.”
I’m still laughing over that….
I saw Mouthy Housewives and the big todo over there!
Wow. It doesn’t seem that long…time flies when you’re sitting on your butt blogging.
Your poor Dad!! I am laughing so hard. This list is a great start as to why I will never cruise. You just confirmed my sneaking suspicions.
Yet another reason — besides Titanic — I don’t want to go on a cruise. Yikes!
At least it did not turn into Speed 2 or Titanic… or any other movie about boats for that matter. Ever noticed that they all end badly for those on board.
That’s how I felt at Disney last month. It was great for people watching though. Heh.
I have been on only one cruise in my entire life, and it was this cruise.
Scratching feet with a butter knife…this was dead-on.
Hilarious, but I’m having the shakes recalling my one and only cruise. My hubs and I went on the “Boston to Bermuda” cruise several years ago pre kids. What a horror show. You have a boatload of drunkards with bad Boston accents, and the cruise ship was being tossed around the rough Atlantic like a little Sunfish practically the whole way to Bermuda. Half the ship was drunk, or violently ill, or both….and then…there were the outfits. Think you covered that!
I think your problem is that you believe it should be against the law to be an idiot and perhaps, bleach in the gene pool is a good thing. Did you not figure that you could have been on the cruise with the photo winners of “The people of Wal-Mart”?
Having spent 14 years on the US Navy “funship” I think you got a pretty good deal. At least everyone didn’t dress the same. And I do like the fact you scratched your feet with a butter knife but you stopped short of being one with the other guests; cleaning your toenails, at the table with a butter knife… geez… amateur..
Keep up the good work, next week, coast to coast trip on a Greyhoud!
You are fucking hilarious!! I will show this post to my Mom-in-law who keeps threatening all of us with a huge family cruise. Normally we just nod and smile and add more wine to her glass in the hopes she’ll forget, which she does but then the damn subject comes back up again. So this time, I’m giving her this post and a bottle of tequila!
Appalachian State Fair – that’s hysterical!!
And I think your son is right – Santa is going to be mad!
OMG, this just made me giggle. My Husband and I have gone on a few cruises together, and have made a pact with each other to avoid the ‘fun ships’. We prefer HAL, because the clientele is more…mature (yes, yes, Older too!) It’s not a ‘booze cruise’ by any stretch of the imagination, but we still have a lot of fun!
Try it again if you get the chance – just don’t go to Walmart of the Seas!
And here I thought cruises would be boring when you were out to sea. Apparently I haven’t been looking into the right cruises!
I’d pay your sis 30 bucks to see that picture 😛
Your cruise experience was much to my funny bone benefit. It brought laughter to my otherwise mundane trip home from work on the always freak-tastic commuter bus (these folks would give your cruise companions a run for their ill-mannered money). But I almost didn’t read it. The words “family vacation” nearly make me wet my pants, due to deep psychological scars from my own childhood family vacations. There were only 2 — the first when my 3 sisters and I were ages 9 (me), 7, 6 and 3. My dad picked the finest motel in the area, much to mom’s dismay. We returned to the motel after dinner only to discover we girls had locked ourselves out of our room, that was ajoined to our parent’s room. After berating the 4 of us (dad thinks cuss words work fine as nouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs AND if you can fit the same one in a sentence in multiple forms, so much the better), dad called the motel manager to report our locked out status. The manager said something to the effect of “sir, it’s not possible to get locked out of an ajoining room”. To which my father loudly proclaimed “Well just trot your fucking ass up here and I’ll fucking show you how these kids blow your fucking theory out of the water (adjectives and adverb!). The next family trip was not attempted until a good 7 years later. We were taking a leisurely drive through the Virginia countryside on the way to yet another motel. I was driving with my recently obtained drivers license, steering our VW bus through winding back country. A squirrel popped out and I slammed on the brakes, throwing everyone forward (seatbelts being a pesky afterthought back in 1983). My dad immediately snarled from the passenger seat “What the fuck?! Save the fucking squirrel, but kill your whole fucking family”.
So if you’ll excuse me now, reliving those experiences made me realize I need a change of underwear.
No. Way. In. Hell. I’d rather relive my experience staying in a San Francisco hotel with a Pat Robertson for President convention and a fire in the basement at 5:30 a.m. which shut down the elevators for SIX FREAKING HOURS and all of us were making our way down the stairs from the 30th floor in search of coffee and an exit. That was a PICNIC compared to your cruise.
Cruises are insane. The feeding frenzy is what really shocked me. And I am way on board with your mother’s gift philosophy.
Hi Wendi!
I started a new blog and I would love it if you would write something for it. It’s called Oh My God! A Body! Heres the idea:
The show Law and Order always starts with some average New Yorkers (or not so average)finding a dead body. Sometimes the beginning lasts and lasts until you’re wondering if you’re even watching L and A, and then they finally find the body. My blog idea is for people to write original ways for New Yorkers to find a body.
Check out the site at http://www.ohmygodabody.blogspot.com. I would love it if you’d write something cuz you’re so dang funny! and you have lots of readers who would then find the site and participate. I only have like, ten readers, so whatever.
Thanks!
Sarah
Now you must share that picture with the rest of us. I can’t believe you all braved a “funship” cruise. Fun seems like the last thing one of those would be. You are just lucky you didn’t get the food borne illness bug as well. Although, then you could have yacked all over the rude people.
Does make for great blog material.
I went on a cruise with my parents, grandmother, aunt and my mothers college roommate. I shared a room with my moms college roommate. We had a blast together in our room. I was apparently the youngest female on the ship because I had several of the crew hit on me. One even called our room at 2 am asking me to go to the bar. I said no, he came back with “well, can I come by for a kiss?” WTF?!? I wore a ring that looked like a wedding ring and begin to tell them alllll I was married. My poor hubby and I were not married at this point and he was mad, but not at me, when I told him the stories. My parents wanted to report the guy and probably should have it was very nerve wracking. But this was back 1990 when you still had to dress for dinner.
Hey Wendi, hope you are enjoying the warm weather. We are supposed to get snow tonight!
I thought about taking a cruise at one point. But after reading this post, maybe I need to rethink those plans. LOL
OMG, this just made me giggle. My Husband and I have gone on a few cruises together, and have made a pact with each other to avoid the ‘fun ships’. We prefer HAL, because the clientele is more…mature (yes, yes, Older too!) It’s not a ‘booze cruise’ by any stretch of the imagination, but we still have a lot of fun!
Try it again if you get the chance – just don’t go to Walmart of the Seas!