Erma’s Lovely Leftovers
March 15th, 2010
When I was 9-years-old, I happened to pick up a paperback from my mom’s nightstand. The book I then sat down and read from cover to cover was written by Erma Bombeck. Although I didn’t understand at least half of what she wrote about, I fell deeply in love with her wit, her hyperbole and her way of making ordinary situations hilarious. It wasn’t long before I was the weird 3rd grader checking out every single one of her books from the downtown library, much to the amusement of the middle-aged librarians.
Now that I’m a mother myself, I still reread an Erma book at least once a year. And once a year, I also enter The Erma Bombeck Writing Competition—and lose it big time. But this year, some of my Erma-loving (and contest losing) friends and I decided to share our Erma Rejects with everyone. After you read my post, be sure to click over to my fellow Leftovers’ blogs for some very, very funny pieces. This one’s for you, Erma.
SICK AND (NOT SO) TIRED
By Wendi Aarons
I sometimes wonder if pediatricians ever listen to themselves talk. Like last month when we were getting ready to leave the hospital after our 6-year-old son’s tonsillectomy. Our very chipper ENT doctor handed us a mountain of paperwork and a prescription for Children’s Tylenol, then she patted my arm and said, “He’ll be fine in no time. Just be sure to limit his activity for at least a couple of days.”
“Limit his activity? Sure, no problem, doctor,” my husband and I snorted as we reached over to pull our fresh-from-surgery son down from the IV pole he was currently trying to scale. “It’ll be no trouble at all to make him rest. Right after we sell our house and move into a 4×4 cell at the state pen. Hey, you don’t happen to know any convicted felons willing to sublet, do you? Like maybe a black sheep cousin pulling a dime at Chino? Will you give him our number?”
The thing is, my two boys will never just sit still and rest when they’re sick. (Unlike their father who takes to his bed like a fragile Victorian lady stricken by the vapors every time he sniffles.) Instead, they’ll run, jump and climb things like a couple of ferrets strung out on black market diet pills. One time my oldest son even tried using his brand-new cast as a baseball bat five hours after breaking his arm. “But did you see how far the ball went?” he protested as I dragged him inside the house. “I should totally get another cast on my foot for soccer season! Bam!”
Every time the boys are sick or need to take it easy, I very lovingly plop them on the couch with a big, warm quilt and put the magical remote control in their eager little hands. “Just stay here and don’t move a muscle,” I sternly say. “And IF you don’t move, you can watch unlimited TV. That’s right. I said, ‘unlimited.’ That pretty much makes this the best day of your entire miserable life, kid. Enjoy.” Of course, ten seconds later, the boy’s happily swinging off the ceiling fan like an extra from Cirque de Soleil, and I’m the one huddled underneath the quilt popping baby aspirin and watching Wonderpets until I fall asleep with my thumb in my mouth. It’s almost like my kids don’t want to get better and go back to school.
Finally last week, after informing my 8-year-old that jumping on the trampoline isn’t really such a great idea until after your nosebleed stops, he looked at me with big, confused eyes and said, “But mommy, why do I have to sit down and rest when I’m sick? You never do.”
“That’s right, honey,” I said as I kissed him on the cheek and grabbed my car keys. “Mommy never gets to just lie down and rest when she doesn’t feel good, does she? So that’s why I’m headed out to go take a nap in my special new apartment right now. I should be back in a couple of hours, but if you need me for anything, just ask daddy. He’ll have the warden come wake me up before lock-down.”
I’m really hoping I don’t get let out early for good behavior.
___________________________
Now please do some clicking to read some even more delicious Erma Leftovers from these very talented and funny women:
Jennifer Sutton (who didn’t post her entry, but has a lovely tribute to Erma)
And if you’re a resident of Ohio, please be warned that four of us Leftovers will be in Dayton this April for the Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop. I’m not saying that we’re going to be obnoxious or anything; I’m just saying that you may want to stay indoors that weekend and by all means, avoid your local Denny’s. Lord knows what Lefler has up her sleeve this time.
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized
37 Comments
Add your own1. Chris | March 15th, 2010 at 3:05 am
I too have loved Erma Bombeck’s writing since … well, it seems like forever. I treasure my battered old copies of her books even today (and more so now I am a mum myself).
Thanks for reminding me it’s time to read them all once more.
What a blogger that woman would have made!
2. InvaderStu | March 15th, 2010 at 4:34 am
Hehe. Great stuff.
Say hi to Tommy in cell 4B.
3. Kara | March 15th, 2010 at 5:28 am
So they don’t change by the time they are 6, huh? I was holding out thinking my toddler would get better about resting when he’s on the mend!
4. Candy | March 15th, 2010 at 6:08 am
Erma Bombeck was the commencement speaker at my college graduation in 1988. (yes, I said it.) I loved her then and now.
She would be very proud of you. And so am I. (like I have any claim over your writing, life, or other activities)
5. Cheryl | March 15th, 2010 at 6:21 am
Those must be some uptight judges in Centerville, OH. I’m enjoying the hell out of this Leftovers tour. From Anna to Lisa and now you. Can’t wait to get to my next stop. I was, ahem, just a wee bit older than you when I was waiting impatiently for my mother to finish a new Bombeck book from the library.
6. Anna Lefler | March 15th, 2010 at 7:26 am
“The Leftovers” – I like it. We will, of course, need matching handbags, preferably the ones that look like a basket with some kind of scene on the side made from giant sequins and felt scraps.
I’ve always liked those.
(Your entry rocked, BTW.)
7. Plano Mom | March 15th, 2010 at 7:40 am
These are all winners. I too have been reading Erma since I was a young girl. And no, I didn’t understand everything, but I did know it was real life and I’d understand someday.
For what it’s worth to you, I am a follower of your blog precisely because your writing makes me laugh and cry just like Erma’s does.
8. ann | March 15th, 2010 at 8:13 am
Your ferret strung out on diet pills–extra from cirque.
Much laughing out loud.
And so true. The boys never resting (nor Mom) when sick.
Swingin’ on his IV is exactly right.
So great.
9. hokgardner | March 15th, 2010 at 8:21 am
Awesome, as always. And my three-year-old is only slightly less speedy when he is sick. My second daughter, however, flops around the house like Sarah Berhardt, pining away with fever and chills. She could win an Oscar for her performances.
10. Karen from French Skinny | March 15th, 2010 at 8:41 am
Those judges are insane. This is exactly Erma funny.
I love this! I’d write more but I’m trying to Sniper read all of these in between nose wiping.
11. Lisa Rae @smacksy | March 15th, 2010 at 9:30 am
Ms. Bobmbeck would stand up and cheer for this. Then she would put the pedal to the metal and get you to Chino as quickly as possible.
I am readying my fannypack and sequined visor for Dayton. I am so proud to be a Leftover.
12. Jessie | March 15th, 2010 at 10:00 am
i love erma bombeck! she’s great and you do remind me of her
13. Zee | March 15th, 2010 at 10:01 am
Wow. I thought I was the only one reading Erma Bombeck in elementary school. I didn’t get a lot of the references either, but I sure knew what was funny.
She was and you are.
14. Surfie | March 15th, 2010 at 10:02 am
I could use some of the energy your kids have when they are sick. Can you bottle that stuff? Make it in pill form? I’ll even shoot up if I have to.
Have you ever read Celia Rivenbark? She’s a local writer here in Myrtle Beach. How can you not love someone who titles a book “Bless Your Heart Tramp” and “Stop Dressing Your Six Year Old Like a Skank”?
http://www.celiarivenbark.com/
15. Samina | March 15th, 2010 at 11:23 am
I found Erma when I was just a bit older than you were. I still adore her work (& now can relate to it!). I do think of you as a slightly deranged Erma, by the way. I mean that with the utmost respect & adoration. ;-P
16. Sophie | March 15th, 2010 at 11:39 am
I need to lie down after this.
17. zalaine | March 15th, 2010 at 9:20 pm
Erma would have been so proud. She would define you as her child lost at birth. The resemblance is amazing…
18. muffintopmommy | March 16th, 2010 at 6:58 am
I swiped Erma off my mom’s nightstand around 8th grade I think–and never looked back. She was the master of making the ordinary, hilarious. Oh, and you can add me to the loser’s circle—I entered the contest and didn’t win either! But I won’t stop trying.
Lemme know if you need a bunkmate in the clink…I’m overdue on my threat to run away. Never considered lock up!
19. Kendra | March 16th, 2010 at 7:05 am
What a treat to learn that I wasn’t the only one reading and enjoying Erma Bombeck long before I truly understood it. I’d kind of forgotten how much I enjoyed that stuff, in the last few years of insanity that comes with having kids, but now I can’t wait to reread all those treasures.
I love yours, and am taking a moment to feel grateful that mine do hold still when they’re sick–though not at any other times. Now I’m off to read the other “Leftovers”!
20. soccermom | March 16th, 2010 at 7:06 am
Thanks for sharing. I love to read. I will definately check them out.
21. Tammy | March 16th, 2010 at 9:45 am
All three of my kids had been really sick…2 with strep throat and my youngest had scarlet fever. The doctor told me to make them rest, (yeah, like they were really gonna listen to that one), and they would be okay in a week, possible a little longer for my youngest who had scarlet fever. Two hours into their “rest” I heard laughing and yelling coming from the living room where my youngest was standing in the middle of the floor where he had just proved that he could jump there from my rocking chair. (He was 2, my other two were 3 and 4 at the time.) I finally put on their favorite movie of Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves, for them…they settled down and started getting sleepy, so I took them all in their room and put them to bed….(they were all in one room at the time..custom made bunk beds for the 3 and 4 year old, a nice bed for the youngest, all in a room that I painted with clouds in a blue sky, a huge sparlking rainbow, grass, flowers made out of the kid’s handprints, and a huge tree from the Wizard of Oz that they just had to have me paint on the wall)…and I heard them snoring…ahhhh, rest at last I thought…yeah, right. Fifteen minutes later I heard a lound crash and ran into their room to find my 3 yr. old holding onto the Donald Duck curtain on my 4 yr. old’s top bunk. All 3 of them were laughing hysterically….I asked Amber,the older one, what was going on and in her 4 yr. old voice said….”Mommy, Brian is Robin Hood and he was saving Patrick by swinging off my bed.” I looked at Brian, who was sitting on her bunk, trying to figure out how he was going to save Patrick, and before I could say anything Brian went swinging off her bed, let go of the curtain (which fell onto the dresser along with the curtain rod) and flew onto Patrick’s bed…they would then run up Amber’s stairs to her bunk. Let’s just say we went out when Daddy got home and bought blinds instead, making sure that the strings were tucked into the blinds.
22. Julie N. | March 16th, 2010 at 9:57 am
Oh, holy heck. Seriously hysterical! I shall now call my hubster a Victorian lady when he gets a cold because that is how he acts! Great job, as usual Wendi.
And all these years I thought I was the sole member of the 9 year old Bombeck reader tribe. But I’m not! Oh, the grass is always greener over that septic tank.
23. Kate Coveny Hood | March 16th, 2010 at 11:13 am
LOVE the cast baseball bat!
24. Laura | March 16th, 2010 at 4:59 pm
Loved your entry. I think that sums up boys perfectly. I have a son and 2 daughters. For some god forsaken reason, the boy has no ability to ever sit still. You can hear me saying please don’t run. Don’t dive. Get down. You’ll kill yourself. That’s a good way to knock your teeth out. And so on it goes. Sigh… I don’t think it’s going to do much. So, I’ll join you under that blanket. We can watch wonderpets together.
25. Fragrant Liar | March 16th, 2010 at 5:46 pm
Well, ya should have won with that one. I love how you wrote this. Quite funny and poignant and believable. You did Erma proud.
Plus you got a consolation prize. Even if you didn’t win the Erma, you got a new follower.
26. Karen M | March 16th, 2010 at 7:39 pm
Love the part about your husband taking to his bed like a Victorian… Great work!
27. Liz @ Peace, Love & Guacamole | March 16th, 2010 at 9:15 pm
Love it! What are “the vapors” anyway?? I too was one of the geeky kids reading Erma along with Judy Blume.
28. Carol Ramsey | March 16th, 2010 at 9:39 pm
I used to read Erma Bombeck when I was in middle school, or sometime around then. I like your story. My kids are girls and they cuddle when they are sick. I don’t like them being sick, but I love the extra cuddles!
29. Jen | March 17th, 2010 at 7:26 am
Great post as usual. Just read Anna’s too.
When the kids get older and realize they can’t rest when the are sick and tired, it will all come full circle. Until that time, I think you are stuck suffering.
30. KLZ | March 17th, 2010 at 10:00 am
I’m genuinely starting to think there should be a nanny service specifically to use when you are sick but your children are not. Someone mean so your children will be nicer to you when you start your recovery. Or maybe someone fun so they’ll leave you alone while you sleep? I’m not sure but we should totally get on it.
31. Maria Butts | March 18th, 2010 at 9:05 am
You are way too edgy for that contest..you need to find a new one like, The Overmedicated Deranged Mommy Contest, you will win for sure!
32. Chris Mancini | March 19th, 2010 at 3:28 pm
Awesome. Yes, I am a big baby too when I get sick. The problem is now, with two kids, no one cares. My wife made me hand over the bell.
33. Mommy on the Spot | March 19th, 2010 at 5:34 pm
You were robbed! I’d demand a recount!!
And comparing your sick husband to a delicate Victorian lady – awesome!!
34. Diane | March 19th, 2010 at 6:05 pm
Gosh, I’ve been trolling my bookshelves for a book – rereading my favorites again and again. I hadn’t thought of good old Erma since I too ready my mother’s stash. I’m looking forward to a quiet weekend to read my new order from Amazon – something about a bowl of cherries. I don’t know how I will sneak the guilty pleasure of reading, however, with my 4 very active children underfoot. I know I will have some great inspiration, though. Best of luck in Ohio in April. Don’t forget to pack a raincoat!
35. Margo | March 20th, 2010 at 10:48 am
You know how they say God gives you only what you can handle? This post is making me realize why I was given two daughters. Funny post.Have fun and learn lots at the workshop – it sounds great (yes, I clicked over and they are sold out)
36. SandyPie | March 21st, 2010 at 10:46 am
“(Unlike their father who takes to his bed like a fragile Victorian lady stricken by the vapors every time he sniffles.)”
Do you live in my house? Are you that noise I hear from time to time but can’t figures out? Because truer words have never been spoken, sing it sista’! You are a poet and witty commentator on life. I think that needs a plaque or maybe I can tattoo that backwards across my ever sagging chest so at least when I look at my poor once high and proud bosum, there will something there I can laugh about.
Perfect Erma-ism = “But mommy, why do I have to sit down and rest when I’m sick? You never do.” Tears to my eyes I tell you!!! Beautiful! Erma would be proud! I fell for Erma’s writings in about 4th grade or so with “If Life is a Bowl of Cherries…” At the time I did not understand it either, (she didn’t talk about cherries anywhere in the book) but I knew there was something about it I liked, maybe it was the honesty (and the humor of course!) I think as tired as she seemed I kind of wished she was my mom, at least we’d laughed more.
Beautiful stuff I can’t wait to read the other “Leftovers” so glad you found Lisa aka “Smacksy” too, I’m a fan of her writing too! Also, thank you for the reminder, I need to run through a few EB treasures and refresh the memory!
37. Steph | March 30th, 2010 at 10:44 pm
Thank you so much for your tribute to Erma Bombeck. You are doing a fabulous job of continuing her tradition of heartfelt, funny writing.
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