The Cookie Junkie
February 18th, 2010
Every winter it’s the same story. There I am, just sitting on the couch watching TV and wondering why Jay Mohr still has a career, when the doorbell rings. And on the other side of the door—awaits Evil.
“Hi, Mrs. Aarons!”
“Oh, crap. It’s you again.”
“How are you today?”
“I’m fine.”
“Great! I just wanted to know if you’d like to…”
“No. I don’t. Thank you. Good-bye.”
“Um, wait! Wait, Mrs. Aarons!”
“Oh, my God—did you just stick your foot in the door? Have you no shame?”
“Mrs. Aarons, wouldyouliketobuysomeGirlScoutcookies?”
(sigh) “Madison, are we really gonna do this dance again? Don’t I tell you every year that this’ll be my last year buying your crackhead cookies? Don’t I?”
“Yes, but…”
“And didn’t I even waddle over to your house last year and show you what your stupid Samoas did to my ass? Do you remember that? Remember the three pairs of industrial Spanx I had to wear just to keep me from looking like a post-Britney K-Fed? Does that ring a bell?”
“Yes, but…”
“And now, now that I’ve finally, finally returned to my fighting weight, you actually have the gall to roll up here in your Radio Flyer wagon and try to get me hooked AGAIN? Have you no shame, woman? I WILL NOT BE YOUR COOKIE BITCH, MADISON!”
“Yes, but…have you tried our Shortbread cookies?”
“If you’re referring to the Shortbread cookies that I crushed up and snorted through a straw on my kitchen counter last year, then yeah, Madison, I’ve tried those. And I’ve also figured out that, despite their deceitful name, Thin Mints are not actually a weight loss supplement. Now please, go home.”
“OK, Mrs. Aarons, but would you like to just try this Tagalong sample? You don’t have to buy anything. I promise.”
“Oh…Madison. Madison, Madison, Madison. You think I don’t know that the first hit is always free? Do I look that innocent? Do I look that naive? Listen, sister, I’ve been around the block. I’ve watched ‘Sid and Nancy.’ I’ve been to Amsterdam. I’m as street as they come, my homes.”
“Just try it. One bite.”
“Fine. I’ll take a stupid bite. I’ll just…OHGAWDOHMYGAWDOHMYGAWDOHMYGAWD!”
“So, should I just go unload my wagon in your garage like usual, Mrs. Aarons?”
“Yes, Madison. That’d be fine.”
“Are you okay, Mrs. Aarons?”
“Oh, I’m good, Madison. Real good. Real effin’ good. I’m just going to stay here curled up in a little ball of shame and lick my fingers for a few minutessss…mmmmmmmm…”
“Okay, well nice doing business with you again, Mrs. Aarons.”
“Oh, you, too, Madison. A pleasure. And, um, see you next year. You little cookie pushin’ wench.”
___________________________________________________
Update: Per the comments so far, it sounds like some of you haven’t had your cookie season yet. Our neighborhood Girl Scouts started going door-to-door at the beginning of January—the picture below shows all we have left in the house. In related news, look for an upcoming post about my fun, new diet.
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66 Comments
Add your own1. Shelly | February 18th, 2010 at 9:14 am
Oh God, is it cookie time again? Must hide.
2. Surfie | February 18th, 2010 at 9:23 am
Thankfully they don’t hard-sell cookies door to door in my neighborhood. But there is always at least one co-worker whose kid is selling them. And even if you can avoid that situation, they now form ranks in front of Walmart to accost you on your way in to shop and again on your way out. There’s no getting away from them! They’re everywhere! *sigh* Anybody got any Thin Mints? I need a snack.
3. Zee | February 18th, 2010 at 9:31 am
Those little cretons set themselves up outside my bank. Right next to the ATM. Next thing they’ll do is figure out a way to do payroll deductions for their cookie crack.
4. knittergran | February 18th, 2010 at 9:32 am
I have noticed on my early, early spring trips to Austin that you get GS cookies much, much, MUCH earlier than we do here in the Atlanta area.
NOT FAIR!!!
5. hokgardner | February 18th, 2010 at 9:48 am
I don’t get door-to-door sales of cookies – or maybe they’re just scared away by our “No Solicitors – We Shoot on Sight” sign. But I can’t go to our neighborhood store without getting mugged by be-pigtailed girls.
6. Marinka | February 18th, 2010 at 9:51 am
You know that I’m still smarting from my LardAss diagnosis. Why must you tempt me so?
7. Heather | February 18th, 2010 at 9:58 am
LMAO!! Oh my gosh!! I laughed out loud literally!!! Hehehe.. I’ve not been hit up yet for the Girl Scout cookies..
8. the mama bird diaries | February 18th, 2010 at 10:09 am
you make a cute cookie bitch.
9. Ashley, the Accidental Olympian | February 18th, 2010 at 10:21 am
What’s worse than the hit-and-run door to door girls are the ones in front of the grocery store. At least if they came to my door I could order large quantities of crack cookies without EVERYONE knowing how many I just purchased.
There is so much shame in walking away from the cookie table with your arms overflowing with boxes of Fat Mints.
10. Kate | February 18th, 2010 at 11:04 am
Those little girls are pure evil, dressed in cute outfits, wearing pigtails and they are out to destroy us all. I sometimes wonder if their mom’s are the cute mom’s you see at the grocery store that still have a figure. Maybe they have their daughters target us so that if they gain an extra pound it looks like nothing compared to me stuffing a whole handful of thin mint cookies into my mouth. It must be a conspiracy. That’s the only reasonable explanation.
11. Tracy Hahn-Burkett | February 18th, 2010 at 11:09 am
I’ve heard that there’s a calorie-discount if you eat Thin Mints really fast, a whole column at a time. Because that’s like exercise. Right? Right?
It better be true, because I got a box on Sunday and it was gone by Tuesday. How did that happen??
12. Sophie | February 18th, 2010 at 11:51 am
How come I only get kids at the door when they come asking for money? As in – asking for money giving NO FOOD IN RETURN.
Not Fair.
13. Zee | February 18th, 2010 at 11:59 am
Tracy, I think that’s called doing a line of thin mints?
14. Cait | February 18th, 2010 at 12:34 pm
I’ve found the only sure-fire way beating the Girl Scouts. I moved to a different country. So far this is working pretty well. I no longer lick my computer screen at the mention of cookies, but that picture of a thin mint really did me in. I bet thet put pot in the cookie dough. That would also explain why those girls are always so damn chipper!
15. Lisa D | February 18th, 2010 at 12:40 pm
*snort* I had to call and read this to my husband over the phone. He has a “thin mint problem”. While he found this incredibly amusing and familiar, he was shocked to hear that it’s cookie season already. Bet he goes looking for Girl Scouts at the grocery store this weekend…..
16. marathonmom | February 18th, 2010 at 12:55 pm
Ummm is that really a picture of a thin mint? Or is it a Keebler grasshopper? Fess up.
Listen bitches – get your story straight. Do to Do orders were DONE Jan 31st okay? So if you have renegade girl scouts selling then – God help them. But yeah, get ready. The product hits the streets this Sunday and after that it’s fair game at your bank, your therapists office, and right in front of Jenny Craig. You also need to google Tim Tam Slam – yeah the Aussies have already got this down.
Best of luck – stay strong!!
17. Amy | February 18th, 2010 at 1:23 pm
To make matters worse, Dairy Queen had to go and mix those delicious cookies in with their frozen lard. Bastards.
18. Mirth | February 18th, 2010 at 1:31 pm
My husband just decided to go on Nutrisystem…I shall now start praying for the girl scouts to show up at my door so I can enjoy some not-so-thin mints without competition. Boo-yah!
19. Sarah | February 18th, 2010 at 1:38 pm
As the mother of a first year girl scout, I can relate. We not only bought cases…er, I meant boxes…yeah, sure boxes…I was also the troops cookies mom. The cases were every where. Calling to me really. “Come, try me. Who cares that you are already muffin topping over your jeans. You deserve cookies. You need cookies. Sure, you can get a second mortgage for cookies.”
On a completely unrelated note, Thin Mints taste REALLY good frozen and frosted with Duncan Hines Vanilla frosting. Use the cookie as a scoop.
20. Laura | February 18th, 2010 at 2:34 pm
At least you have boys. My daughter actually is a dealer. Yep. And I am FORCED to purchase multiple boxes from her to help her get to the next selling “goal” or level. Yeah, it’s all a big ploy to get all of the fat from Samoas permanently planted on my ass.
21. Sarah LF | February 18th, 2010 at 3:06 pm
I’m getting ready to post the Weight Watchers points on my new blog. I figure I’m going to eat them. May as well know how many points they are…it may just stop me from eating the whole box. But then, maybe not. I’ll DM you a link, as I’m not ready to share my blog with the world just yet.
22. Cathy | February 18th, 2010 at 4:06 pm
I too, Wendi, succumbed to little Marie at the end of my block. She hasn’t delivered the dime bag, er, boxes yet. But I will tell you this: i ONLY ordered Thin Mints. Why? Because by the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, I can’t stand ‘em. I hate mints. Hate. Why would anyone put mouthwash into my dessert. Really?
I am BLESSED among women.
Sure, I had to block out the blood curling screams from my 10-year-old son who weighs 50 lbs soaking wet, “BUT MOOOOOM, THE DO-SI-DOOOOOS. THE TRE FOILS!!!”
Sorry kid. Not happening. I’ll be a monkey’s puffy damned uncle before I let some whiny do-good punk ruin 6 weeks on Weight Watchers.
Can’t wait to hear about your diet!
23. Patty | February 18th, 2010 at 4:29 pm
From bitter experience, I can truthfully say that the sure cure for a Girl Scout cookie jones is to be Troop Cookie Chairperson.
Lesson one, of course, is never, ever leave the room during a troop parent meeting. Never. Wear the damned Depends, and smile while you wet yourself.
Lesson two is never entrust selling to a competitive person. Our little Daisies, who were to be limited to twelve boxes apiece, outsold most troops and it took MONTHS to get the scent of Samoas out of the front hall. It also took months to strongarm the mommies and daddies to come pick up the hundreds of cookie boxes they were goint to transport to work.
Lesson three is never, ever listen to the troop leader whine about how only a few girls with pushy parents were getting the rewards while the girls with slacker parents weren’t getting any, and could I cook the books so HER little darling could get at least a monkey?
That was 28 years ago, and this brought the horror back in a BIG Way. PTSD!
Fortunately, I always keep a batch of Mindwiper Punch in the fridge.
24. Evie | February 18th, 2010 at 6:30 pm
Those little girls are some form of terrorists, I swear they are!!! They lure you into a false sense of security and then… SNAP!!!! You’ve just handed over your paycheck for those goddamn cookies (let’s just call them scout crack) and more than 20 pounds. Thank you, you little terrorists; my ass will remember you when summer is here.
25. Meredith | February 18th, 2010 at 8:11 pm
Love this. LOVE this! Seriously, where these pint-sized pushers always there lurking just as soon as you started getting back into the groove post-holiday-binge? Every year now, I start to make a dent in the after-Christmas weight loss and them THERE.THEY.ARE. And they are INSISTENT. And holy smokes do I love me some Girl Scout cookies. Fantastic post.
26. Kate Coveny Hood | February 18th, 2010 at 8:23 pm
I can’t believe that since moving out to the burbs, we haven’t had ONE girl scout come to our door. We do have a boy scout who sells us a huge tin of popcorn every year – but like THAT’S temptation…
27. ann | February 18th, 2010 at 8:45 pm
“Cookie Season”
Isn’t that the new Tarrantino film?
28. New York City Mom|The Mam&hellip | February 18th, 2010 at 10:09 pm
[...] like weight loss is a big issue these days with everyone running from the thin mints. Contributing mama Erin Butler is determined to do something about it and she found a super cheap [...]
29. Rachel | February 19th, 2010 at 2:23 am
I’ve been reading your blog for quite some time now, and I think it’s time to leave you a comment.
I’m only sixteen, and apparently that’s still an age when your deemed “innocent”, so perhaps I shouldn’t even be reading your blog… or watching Chelsea Lately either for that matter.
BUT, lemme just say that aside from Chelsea, I’m pretty sure you’re the funniest woman on this planet.
Thanks for making me laugh!
-Rachel
30. muffintopmommy | February 19th, 2010 at 5:35 am
You’re a riot. Those girl scouts are hardcore! Two of them trudged up my snowy, unshovelled walk on, I kid you not, the most freezing ass cold NH day in January, all geared up in their North Face to do battle and hawk their evil treats. I think they actually jumped the gun a day on the other little cookie pushers. But how could I say NO when they worked so hard to get the sale, right? Plus, I have a rep to maintain as muffintopmommy so I can’t exactly go all fat free on the world. Sigh.
31. DG at Diaryofamadbathroom | February 19th, 2010 at 5:51 am
Snorting shortbread is a gateway to mainlining cake.
32. MsNuttaButtaBaby72 | February 19th, 2010 at 6:17 am
We have the little cookie pimps in front of Dillons(Kroger) and Walmart. They are very aggressive. So last year I cam up with a new plan. I listen to my Zune as I’m walking through the door and find the song with most inappropriate lyrics and go hard. The average cookie pimp will not touch me while I’m bobbing my head and spittin’ hot Eminem lyrics
! I hate cookie time!!
33. Lisa | February 19th, 2010 at 6:30 am
My cookie wench is a little innocent looking blond down the street…yeah….I hate her. The other day I really thought of running her over on her little pink bike. It isn’t me that caves in and buys it…it’s Hubby she gets. The problem? he eats like one cookie a year so there they are…uneaten and sitting all alone in the fridge for weeks. I have to save them from going bad…right?
34. Jen | February 19th, 2010 at 6:59 am
I have been thinking about writing something about the whole Girl’s Scout cookie thing. I have not had anyone come to my house. I’m feeling a bit left out.
35. Crys | February 19th, 2010 at 7:52 am
Since we live in the sticks there are NO Girl Scouts coming to my door…BUT I have at LEAST 5 women (maybe a dad, too) selling the cookies for their little darlings. I asked my 12 yr old if she felt left out by not being a Girl Scout and she said, “Are you KIDDING?!?!?! They have to peddle cookies, I’m sure they’re good – but unless they’re made from 100% Girl Scouts, I don’t want any”…
Uh, ok honey…I’ll just put away all the sharp knives now…
36. Lottie Lou | February 19th, 2010 at 7:53 am
I don’t like cookies. Or chocolate. Eat your hearts out, cookieheads.
37. Vicki | February 19th, 2010 at 7:58 am
I didn’t buy any this year, precisely for this reason. But I know March will have me near the Target where they always sell cookies out front of, droopy-eyed, frazzle-haired, and begging little Ashleigh for a fix.
38. Princess Mikkimoto | February 19th, 2010 at 8:57 am
oh my sweet cookie that was hilarious. The snorting of the shortbread… fantastic.
Bonus of living in an apartment, secure doors = no girl scouts!
39. SoccerMom | February 19th, 2010 at 9:49 am
Seriously , we got our cookies a month ago. We have already went thru 5 boxes the first week. My supplier had to bring me 2 more boxes cause my kids ate the ones I got for myself. How rude!
40. InvaderStu | February 19th, 2010 at 9:50 am
As you know it is terrible here in Amsterdam. There are girl scouts on every corner (no not like that) selling their cookies.
There is currentilly a turf war going on between two groups of girl scouts. The police don’t dare to enter Amsterdam any more.
41. The Mom(aka Amy) | February 19th, 2010 at 11:47 am
Here they sell them outside of grocery stores. I am eventually going to get banned from approaching their table. You see I sold the most Girl Scout cookies in Cobb County by going Door-to-Door. I made your Madison look like a rank amateur. Shit, I made Pablo Escobar look like a rank amateur. And my parents refused to sell them at work, so it was ALL me. Okay so they drove the car and waited on the corner and what not.
Anyway, long comment short: this year I am going to knock over their table while telling them what a bunch of loser pussies they are for not going door to door.
Really I blame the parents.
42. Becky Mochaface | February 19th, 2010 at 3:35 pm
I was so excited for Cookie Season fully expecting many girl scouts to come ringing my door now that I live in an honest-to-goodness neighborhood. With houses and trees and sidewalks and all that Norman Rockwell shit. Only not a single one has shown up. And I had to resort to buying some from the girls in front of Walmart. Sigh.
43. Kate | February 19th, 2010 at 3:40 pm
The Cookies are here. Delivered today.
Fixed the broken link to your site on my blog roll. And then I see you over at my place today. A perfect hat-trick. Where in ND?
44. Kacee | February 19th, 2010 at 3:42 pm
Jay Mohr is no doubt pushing cookie to TV execs all over town. I don’t want to spread rumors or anything but…..
45. Margaret (Nanny Goats) | February 19th, 2010 at 6:43 pm
Girl Scout cookies are evil. EVIL! And where are mine already??? I ordered 8 boxes from my brother!
46. Becky | February 19th, 2010 at 6:47 pm
Today on the commuter bus home, I thought the lustful looks in my direction were the result of months of hard work on the treadmill, salad noshing ad nauseum and the banishment of soda from my life. Alas, it was nothing more than the other worker drones on a Friday afternoon, hungrily eyeballing the multitude of Girl Scout cookies I was schleping home to my loving…and annoyingly well-metabolized… boys and husband. Damn.
47. mommy on the spot | February 19th, 2010 at 7:26 pm
That’s hilarious!
I am looking forward to your fun diet blog since I am scarfing down Valentine’s Day candy like it might sprout legs and run away!
48. Maureen@IslandRoar | February 19th, 2010 at 9:14 pm
Girl Scout cookies??? Did someone say Thin Mints??
49. Nap Warden | February 19th, 2010 at 9:44 pm
Ours just came this week. I am literally swimming in Thin Mints. Those things are made by the Devil. The Devil I tell you:O
50. Mynde | February 20th, 2010 at 6:54 am
I am dying over here! This is the funniest thing I have ever read- you are killing me.
Good news by the way- apparently the girlscouts are investigating the lemon chalet cookies (which I see in your picture) for not being up to standards or some other crazy stuff. You might be able to exchange them for something else- like more tag a longs!
51. Lady Who Lunches | February 20th, 2010 at 10:12 am
Oh my God! I just laughed out loud and my boyfriend innocently watching the cricket (God knows how he can watch that game), literally jumped.
I do miss those little girls in their turd colored uniforms knocking on my door. I wonder why England doesn’t have them…
52. sarah Pekkanen | February 20th, 2010 at 8:30 pm
This is hysterical!
I saw some girl scouts outside the grocery story today and I RAN across the street while they called after me in their deceptively innocent, high voices. They pretended to be hurt when I ignored them, but I’m onto them. Pure evil.
53. Maria Butts | February 21st, 2010 at 7:30 am
Thanks for letting my daughter be your supplier! Your the best addict EVER!!!!
54. Lisa Rae @smacksy | February 21st, 2010 at 11:51 am
Thank God for my wheat allergy. The cookies are now off-limits!
*takes long swig of Do Si Do bong water*
55. Amy | February 21st, 2010 at 7:29 pm
Per your update…all you have left?!?!?! How many boxes did you buy to begin with? =)
56. emily bilbrey | February 21st, 2010 at 10:39 pm
oh christ on a cracker! i laugh and then i throw up ’cause i laughed too hard! so good. ::forwards to email list::
57. Carolyn Online | February 22nd, 2010 at 9:05 am
I’ve got two little pushers living under my roof. It’s like Huggy Bear comin’ at me all day every day for a month with those damn boxes.
58. Candy | February 22nd, 2010 at 10:21 am
I’ll be your cookie bitch.
59. deb | February 22nd, 2010 at 12:21 pm
My daughter had her first cookie sale for Brownies in the Fall, gotta start them pushing early.
Thin Mints are best frozen, by the way!
60. Lulu and Moxley's Mom | February 22nd, 2010 at 11:46 pm
You must live in a much nicer neighborhood than I. Here in Chicago (a murder capital) the Girl Scouts’ parents call on their behalf, collect money on their behalf, and deliver the cookies on their behalf. No Girl Scouts really involved whatsoever.
I only order the Thin Mints. Because I hate them. Good dieting tool.
61. Wendi | February 23rd, 2010 at 1:26 pm
The pint sized pushers don’t go door to door around these parts. They set up shop outside grocery stores, shopping centers, and churches. Or they get their parents to do their dirty work by bringing the order forms into work. Believe me when I tell you that it’s easier to say no to Bob the Jerk from Accounting than it is to his perky daughter.
Just when I managed to detox from all the holiday cookies, I discovered my boss’s secret stash of Girl Scout Cookies at the office. When will the insanity end?
The Other Wendi
62. johnomori | February 24th, 2010 at 7:15 am
It’s obviously because he was Bob Sugar for God’s sake. And he has a website. Oh, and in NYC you are able to just smugly walk by the girl scouts as they hawk their insidious wares on street corners. Guilt free, I might add.
63. Samina | February 24th, 2010 at 2:09 pm
I’m not the only one? Isn’t there some sort of support group for us?
64. Wills | February 26th, 2010 at 8:16 am
Love the description of ‘doing a line of thin mints’ – that’s about right. Always thought of them as being boxed in two single serving sleeves…or a ‘thousand calorie pack’. I’m bracing for the delivery of my cookie order.
65. Kendra | March 15th, 2010 at 4:13 pm
I don’t have any Girl Scouts who come to the house and offer up the cookies. So every year I’m torn between relief that I don’t have to face the gut-wrenching decision… and an overwhelming desire to run out into the street, the grocery store, the grade school and flag down any potential Girl Scouts in the hopes that they have Thin Mints.
66. Bruce | May 19th, 2010 at 3:06 am
Today on the commuter bus home, I thought the lustful looks in my direction were the result of months of hard work on the treadmill, salad noshing ad nauseum and the banishment of soda from my life. Alas, it was nothing more than the other worker drones on a Friday afternoon, hungrily eyeballing the multitude of Girl Scout cookies I was schleping home to my loving…and annoyingly well-metabolized… boys and husband. Damn.
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