January 13th, 2010
A couple days ago, Chris was flipping through the TV channels and landed on one playing Field of Dreams. “Oh, stop here,” I said. “I’ve never really seen this movie.” An hour or so later, once it was over, he turned off the TV and asked me what I thought.
“I don’t know. It was okay,” I shrugged. “I mean, you know how I feel about Costner.” (I have a well-known, inexplicable disdain for all things Kevin C. It started around the time of The Bodyguard and reached its pinnacle around that crapfest Waterworld. But in my defense, he’s just so damn tan and smug.) “I guess the baseball story and that father/son stuff was fine. But why did they take out all the swear words? They didn’t have to—it’s cable. You don’t even have to wear pants on cable.”
“Wait—what swear words?” he asked.
“You know, ‘If you build it, he will come, motherf*cker!’”
At this point my husband simply stared at me for a few minutes, perhaps considering all of his options and whether or not he needed to start hiding the cold medicine, so I then had to explain that the only other time I’d seen Field of Dreams was at a fifth-run $1 movie theater in downtown Portland, Oregon. The audience that day was composed of myself, my friend Tom, and about 50 drunk street people who would pay their dollar for the first showing of a movie, then stagger out after the last showing. The entire theater smelled like feet, hot dogs and spilled Thunderbird.
Everybody in the theater besides us had already memorized the entire movie, so the bedraggled pack would gleefully yell out every single line of dialogue as it played. Hence, at least fifteen screams of, “IF YOU BUILD IT, HE WILL COME, MOTHERF*CKER!” followed by the cacophony of bottles and cans rolling underneath seats, random moaning, and a lot of loud crashes coming from the various wrestling matches that were being orchestrated by a rather smelly gentleman named “Spraygun.” Seriously, it was a lot of entertainment for a dollar.
“So, all this time you thought that was the real dialogue?” Chris asked. “In a baseball movie?”
“What? Of course not! I mean, no! I mean, maybe. I mean, yes. Yes, I did. Stupid Costner.”
“Well, that’s not the way it’s said. By anyone. Field of Dreams is a really great movie and the line is ‘If you build it he will come.’ Period.”
“Fine,” I said as I got up off the couch. “I won’t say it like that anymore. But since we’re on the subject, does this mean that ‘I’m Batman, You Dumbass Honky Crackhead’ isn’t right either? Because I saw that for a dollar, too.”
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