The Work Out
December 1st, 2009
Good morning! Is this Mrs. Aarons?
That depends. If you’re calling because I won a new car, then “yes,” this is Mrs. Aarons. If you’re calling because you need volunteers for the PTO bake sale, then “no” this definitely isn’t Mrs. Aarons.
I’m calling from your gym.
In that case, this is Ikea, her Swedish nanny. Mrs. Aarons no home right now. She go bye-bye.
Mrs. Aarons, I wanted to talk to you today because we’ve noticed you haven’t come in to work-out lately.
You’ve noticed that? Really?
Yes, ma’am. And we miss you.
Oh, well, thanks. But I’m sure it won’t be long before you replace me with another middle-aged woman who runs a 17-minute mile and loudly sobs on the leg press machine. It’s the suburbs; we premenopausal chunks are a dime a dozen.
Our computer shows me that you have been here for at least two months.
Two months?
Uh-huh. Tell me—is there anything that’s preventing you from working out?
You mean besides this iron lung machine? No, not really.
Listen, Mrs. Aarons, I know that it can sometimes be hard to get to the gym. But when you signed up with us, you made a commitment to your health.
Well, it was really more of a commitment to my ass. I promised it I wouldn’t make it wear a Land’s End skirtini anymore. Apparently it’s been feeling a little stifled.
Okay, but if you’ll recall, part of our agreement is that if you don’t stay committed, we need to start giving you encouraging phone calls.
What? I don’t remember that.
I have it right here on your contract. Under “Please give me encouraging phone calls,” you checked “yes.”
Huh. I must have been on shitload of cold medicine that day. Well, can you just change it to “no” for me? So you won’t have to call me anymore?
I sure can. Only—I can’t do it over the phone.
(long pause) So that means…
I’ll see you here tomorrow, Mrs. Aarons. We open at 5 a.m.
Of course you do.
Now before I go, is there anything else I can help you with?
Yeah. Next time remind me not to join a gym that’s smarter than I am.
Based on an actual phone call from my (former) health club.
_______________________________________________
In other news, due to the many requests I’ve received, I am currently trying to get my mother to part with her secret family recipe for Mindwiper Punch. This may entail me agreeing to go to a horrific “Mamma Mia” sing-a-long with her, so I’ll let you know if it works out. Don’t get your hopes up.
Also, if you’re in Austin, be sure to come by the BlogHer holiday party this Thursday!
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized
38 Comments
Add your own1. Lisa Rae @ smacksy | December 1st, 2009 at 1:19 pm
I adore you and your skirtini.
2. ann | December 1st, 2009 at 1:22 pm
Yes, we’re supposed to buy in to the skirtini.
Just say no.
3. Krabies | December 1st, 2009 at 1:50 pm
You’ve been making me laugh for over 25 years!!
4. Mwa | December 1st, 2009 at 1:54 pm
That’s funny. My gym do that too. I was on the exercise bike once when I saw the girl go through the call sheet. She looked very annoyed that she had to do this, but every time she started a phonecall, she would do her completely fake happy smile and make herself sound cheerful. She does exactly the same every time I ask her for advice on my exercise routine. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
5. Surfie | December 1st, 2009 at 2:10 pm
I knew there was a reason I never joined the gym! I just buy my own equipment to leave around the house. It never harasses me with phone calls or gives me disapproving looks while I’m shoveling ice cream into my pie-hole.
6. Ashley, the Accidental Olympian | December 1st, 2009 at 2:12 pm
I say as long as you’re paying they shouldn’t care if you come in and sweat all over their machines.
Ugg the gym.
Lets not talk about the gym anymore, it makes my stomach hurt. Which of course can only be cured by Taco Bell.
7. Jan | December 1st, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Have the skirtini call in sick to the gym. Hey , it worked for Bridget Jones, why not you?
As for me, when someone says “gym” I think of 7th grade and the awful gym suit my mother made me wear because she was too cheap to buy another one like the one my sister had…mine was my much older cousin’s cast-off and was about 12 years old.
My sister’s looked like everyone else’s: knit, one piece, zip up, with blue shorts and blue striped top. Mine? It was blue woven fabric button-up with a Peter Pan collar and puffed sleeves on the top, and BLOOMERS on the bottom! THE HORROR….!!! I think my life was ruined at that point…and I don’t think I’ve ever fully recovered. Thank all that is holy that my sister went to high school the year after and I got HER gym suit.
No wonder I’ve never joined a gym. Between the humiliation of that gym suit and the trauma of having to shower in front of all the other girls, I was well and truly scarred for life.
8. Aunt Becky | December 1st, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Now I want to punch someone.
9. hokgardner | December 1st, 2009 at 2:52 pm
I was just looking into joining a gym near my house. When/if I do, I’ll make sure to opt out of the cheerful phone call.
10. Becky Mochaface | December 1st, 2009 at 3:15 pm
Gyms actually do that? Wow, the lengths they’ll go to in order to keep your membership. This is why I run in my neighborhood. No intimidating phone calls from Lars asking where the hell my cottage cheese ass has been.
11. Love | December 1st, 2009 at 3:41 pm
Wii Fit is kind of annoying like that too, but you can’t take yourself off the list. They make you hang your head in shame. Which is why I stopped. Because I have principles. Not because I’m too lazy to work out, even in my own home. Definitely not because of that.
But for a live person, I would have some Rage Against the Machine handy for next time. “F&*k you! I won’t do what you tell me!” That would be so sweet.
12. the mama bird diaries | December 1st, 2009 at 7:45 pm
I can’t believe your health club stalks you. Bold.
13. marathonmom | December 1st, 2009 at 8:43 pm
a 17 minute mile isn’t anything to sneeze at
14. Sarah M | December 1st, 2009 at 8:55 pm
Dying at the skirtini….is that what goes with a tankini….I need a mumuini
15. Tammy | December 1st, 2009 at 10:30 pm
About 10 years ago my husband signed up for Gold’s Gym…he went faithfully for 2 days and then stopped going. After 2 months they started calling and I finally told them that he died and wouldn’t be able to attend anymore….the “cheerful” lady on the other end told me that since he was no longer around, I could take his place, they would be sure and put his membership in my name. I remember that I was having really bad cramps and my meds hadn’t kicked in yet and I told the “cheerful” lady on the other end that, “when I decide to come to your gym so I can see perky little ladies jumping up and down telling me to “feel the burn”, I will go ahead and shoot myself.” The “cheerful” lady wasn’t even phased…she went ahead and said, so what is your name so we can switch the membership? I changed my phone number that day!
16. Beth | December 2nd, 2009 at 4:21 am
Hilarious! My husband signed us up to a gym 4 months ago. He went twice in the beginning and then never went back (apparently, I’m a sucker for pain). But this gives me some ideas…. I might try to disguise my voice and call.
17. Laura | December 2nd, 2009 at 4:40 am
Oh dear God. I can’t even imagine if the gym called here. It would be the equivalent of hiding out from a boyfriend after a bad break up…
18. MommaB | December 2nd, 2009 at 5:36 am
Well, great! Now the guilts aflowin’! I have not been to the gym since June! I have been blaming it on my kids have so many practices and games, but….sigh.
19. Becky | December 2nd, 2009 at 5:45 am
Which reminds me…I need to get my woefully neglected Bally’s “mac-daddy”, all-access-at-any-location-in-the-U.S.” membership up on eBay for auction.
20. sarah Pekkanen | December 2nd, 2009 at 7:02 am
The gym is stalking you…. (cue knife-shrieking music) You are not safe anywhere, even if you’re wearing spandex. You can’t protect yourself with hand weights (even if you could lift them up, which you can’t, because your hands are filled with chocolate and a full wine glass).
Run, Wendi! Oh, wait, you can’t. Then trot, Wendy! Trot as fast as you can!
21. Jen | December 2nd, 2009 at 7:05 am
That was hilarious. I guess I go often enough not to get the badgering phone calls. Love the comment about the Land’s End skirtini. I can just see it.
22. Candy | December 2nd, 2009 at 7:13 am
Hilarious.
As a side note, I just found out that my friend and his girlfriend are relocating to Austin. From Ohio. Any words of advice I should pass along?
23. amy2boys | December 2nd, 2009 at 7:24 am
This is so funny. Ikea – heh. Premenopausal chunks – HAHAHA.
24. Heather | December 2nd, 2009 at 7:40 am
I guess my gym just doesn’t give a shit.
25. Andrea | December 2nd, 2009 at 4:18 pm
My gym actually asked if they could be my friend on Facebook. Sure, I’ll add you…along with the other 500 or so “friends” I have. And the 17-minute mile? I am lucky if I break a half hour. You should be damn proud of yourself at 17 minutes. Oh yeah and skirtini/tankini…it’s German for “a whale’s vagina.” Thanks Ron Burgundy.
26. Lottie Lou | December 3rd, 2009 at 6:59 am
If you do the sing along, you know, of course, that we want video. Of all of it.
And, I really recommend paintball if you want walking type exercise. For several reasons:
1. All the adult players drink.
2. You get to shoot at kids, men, and old people.
3. Did I mention shooting at kids, men, and old people while drunk? What else do you need?
4. If you get tired, you can hide in a bush and take a nap.
27. Samina | December 3rd, 2009 at 12:33 pm
I haven’t had a gym membership since my college days eons ago when I was young & chirpy. Now I’m just old & crabby. Besides, what’s wrong with a skirtini? Asks she who just joined the ranks of the skirtini-clad.
28. Invader_Stu | December 4th, 2009 at 8:28 am
I think I need something like that. I’m very good at finding excuses not to go.
“Oh, I have been invited to dinner with friends.”
“Oh, I have something very important work to finish.”
“Oh, there is something good on the tv.”
“Oh, I have to leave some comments on a blog I’m reading.”
29. Hannah | December 4th, 2009 at 10:02 am
LOL. That’s crazy!
Last weekend when my husband was using our Wii fit it questioned him on where I was, why I wasn’t working out anymore, bla, bla.
So technology doesn’t allow you to be lazy either apparently!
30. Amber | December 4th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Oh my…that gym is super smart. My old one would only ask me where I’ve been when I decided to show up after a few months. This post made me giggle to myself…so now I look crazy
I love a good guilt trip!
31. rockzee | December 4th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
So great meeting you last night.
32. SoccerMom | December 6th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
Wow, that is awfull ballsie, of them. I’m damn glad my gym doesn’t call me. I might not be as nice.
33. Belle | December 6th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Why do they care if you COME if you’re paying? That’s just annoying.
34. Amy @ The Bitchin' Wives Club | December 7th, 2009 at 4:00 am
Hmmm… I kind of like the idea of the ‘encouraging’ phone call. Guilt has always been a great motivator for me. (Damned Catholic upbringing!)
And your dedication to appeasing the mass’ request for the Mindwiper Punch is staggering. A MammaMia singalong??? Sounds like Br’er Rabbit protesting, if you ask me….
35. DM | December 7th, 2009 at 8:04 pm
Gym? Working out? Walking a mile in 17 minutes? listen, lady, not all of us super women. I think I would probably walk a mile in 17 hours.
36. Jessica | December 8th, 2009 at 6:33 pm
Id have gone for you. Yes, that is how insane I am.
37. redgirl | December 10th, 2009 at 3:23 am
I don’t *intend* to comment on every entry…but I read them and I have no choice
This reminds me of when someone is complaining of how much they have to do or all the stress/pressure they’re under. You make some conciliatory remark of “Hey, if there’s anything I can do to help…” but you don’t mean it. It really comes home that you don’t mean it when they say “now that you mention it…”
Uggh.
38. Amy | December 10th, 2009 at 11:16 pm
17 minute mile…isn’t that walking? =)
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