Dear Friends and Family,
Greetings from the Woods family! We hope you’re all doing well and enjoying this wonderful time of year. After all, happy holidays should be “par” for the course, am I right? Ha, ha!
Some of you might be surprised that it’s me, Tiger, writing our annual holiday letter, but there have been a few changes around ye olde Woods household as of late. Due to some recent “transgressions” on my part, my lovely wife Elin has (rather strongly) requested that I be more involved with our family. Meaning, from now on El Tigre will have to do dumb married guy things like come home at night, take out the trash, and not hook-up with any more skankyass lingerie models who look like $9.99 blowup dolls from the discount store. (Yeah, I know! It’s like I’m stuck in a sand trap at Pebble Beach or something! Where my wedge at?!)
Anyway, this year has been a pretty good one overall. I won a few tournaments, made tens of millions of dollars, and became close friends with a lot of really trampy cocktail waitresses. (Las Vegas in DA HOUSE, yo!) Elin has been busy, too, what with single-handedly raising our kids and working on her killer golf swing. But I guess being married to a pro has finally rubbed off on her, because girlfriend can now bust out the window of an Escalade faster than my buddy ! (New motto for ‘10: Never piss off a Viking.)
This year hasn’t been all about sexting hostesses and paying for porn stars’ Double-Z’s, though. No, I’ve been busy doing lots of other things, too. Things like…well…hmmm…oh, who the hell am I kidding? This year has been totally about being all up in that shiznit! I mean, you try hiding a cabal of collagen-lipped mistresses from your old ball ‘n chain and tell me it’s not a full-time job! T-man’s been playin’ 18 hoes for months now and he’s t-i-e-d TIRED! He needs to go hide out in a g-damn bunker! LOL!
In closing, all of us in the Woods family hope you have a wonderful new year. I plan to spend 2010 just relaxing, regrouping, and adjusting to life without any cell phone or internet privileges. And from what I hear, I’ll also be busy buying my wife a diamond ring the size of a pacifier while seeing what it’s like to sleep with the same woman every night. (Yikes!) Anyway, wish me luck!
I’m going to need it.
The Woods Family