Season’s Greetings From Tiger
December 15th, 2009
Dear Friends and Family,
Greetings from the Woods family! We hope you’re all doing well and enjoying this wonderful time of year. After all, happy holidays should be “par” for the course, am I right? Ha, ha!
Some of you might be surprised that it’s me, Tiger, writing our annual holiday letter, but there have been a few changes around ye olde Woods household as of late. Due to some recent “transgressions” on my part, my lovely wife Elin has (rather strongly) requested that I be more involved with our family. Meaning, from now on El Tigre will have to do dumb married guy things like come home at night, take out the trash, and not hook-up with any more skankyass lingerie models who look like $9.99 blowup dolls from the discount store. (Yeah, I know! It’s like I’m stuck in a sand trap at Pebble Beach or something! Where my wedge at?!)
Anyway, this year has been a pretty good one overall. I won a few tournaments, made tens of millions of dollars, and became close friends with a lot of really trampy cocktail waitresses. (Las Vegas in DA HOUSE, yo!) Elin has been busy, too, what with single-handedly raising our kids and working on her killer golf swing. But I guess being married to a pro has finally rubbed off on her, because girlfriend can now bust out the window of an Escalade faster than my buddy Jack Nicklaus! (New motto for ‘10: Never piss off a Viking.)
This year hasn’t been all about sexting hostesses and paying for porn stars’ Double-Z’s, though. No, I’ve been busy doing lots of other things, too. Things like…well…hmmm…oh, who the hell am I kidding? This year has been totally about being all up in that shiznit! I mean, you try hiding a cabal of collagen-lipped mistresses from your old ball ‘n chain and tell me it’s not a full-time job! T-man’s been playin’ 18 hoes for months now and he’s t-i-e-d TIRED! He needs to go hide out in a g-damn bunker! LOL!
In closing, all of us in the Woods family hope you have a wonderful new year. I plan to spend 2010 just relaxing, regrouping, and adjusting to life without any cell phone or internet privileges. And from what I hear, I’ll also be busy buying my wife a diamond ring the size of a pacifier while seeing what it’s like to sleep with the same woman every night. (Yikes!) Anyway, wish me luck!
I’m going to need it.
Sincerely,
The Woods Family
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38 Comments
Add your own1. hokgardner | December 15th, 2009 at 7:33 am
Never piss off a Viking – awesom! I think I’ll make that my new motto, even though I’m not sure I know any.
2. Surfie | December 15th, 2009 at 7:54 am
What, no family photo?
3. Cara | December 15th, 2009 at 8:12 am
Wendi,you are tooo funny. I agree – never piss off a viking. However, my husband still hasn’t learned. Remember – when mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.
4. knittergran | December 15th, 2009 at 8:27 am
I love it! What a creep he turned out to be.
5. amy2boys | December 15th, 2009 at 8:37 am
OMG OMG!!!!!!! This is the best Christmas letter EVER. SO much funny I don’t know what to mention as my favorite part, but “adjusting to life without any cell phone or internet privileges” is clearly on my list.
This is so awesome. (He still makes me sad though.)
6. Mandy | December 15th, 2009 at 8:59 am
Genius.
7. Lisa Rae @ smacksy | December 15th, 2009 at 9:11 am
Brilliant.
Were I to write a family holiday letter, I would definitely want to work “shiznit” in there somewhere.
8. Shelly | December 15th, 2009 at 9:33 am
Freaking hilarious! Never piss off a viking is priceless.
9. Lulu and Moxley's Mom | December 15th, 2009 at 9:42 am
Oh my god, we think alike. I was going to do a Tiger family Christmas letter myself. Which could never top this so I won’t. Laughing hard.
10. Kirsten | December 15th, 2009 at 9:51 am
This is the funniest thing I have read in a long time! So funny!!!!!
11. Heather | December 15th, 2009 at 10:16 am
I think Mr. Woods should be grateful that “girlfriend” only busted his Eascalade window, and not his skull.
You know…for him counting down the 12 Days of Christmas with a different cosmetically challenged bleachy tramp each night.
12. Heather | December 15th, 2009 at 10:17 am
…and I spelled Escalade wrong.
13. Mirth | December 15th, 2009 at 10:18 am
Awesome. Now if more Christmas letters were like this, I’d actually look forward to them. Nicely done.
14. christy | December 15th, 2009 at 11:45 am
You are so freaking funny – wouldn’t it be great if he somehow saw this and commented? Hehe.
15. Ashley, the Accidental Olympian | December 15th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Poor Tiger. Being all trapped and shit.
16. Shelly | December 15th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
This is awesome. I think he’ll be lucky if he gets to sleep with the same woman every night!
17. Sophie, Inzaburbs | December 15th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Brilliant!
The most shocking thing for me? Discovering that all that money couldn’t buy him taste.
18. Savannah Brentnall | December 15th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Someone asked about a family photo. How about this one? http://media-files.gather.com/images/d418/d98/d746/d224/d96/f3/full.jpg
19. The Mom(aka Amy) | December 15th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
I still say that her golf swing leaves something to be desired. I don’t know a golf club from a club sandwich, but if my husband had been the one porking 7 bimbos I would have for damn sure gotten in at least 40 wacks before he made it to the door. Driving a car would not have even had been an option.
20. ann | December 15th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
Fo shizzle.
21. Laura | December 15th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
Never piss off a viking!! Almost fell out of my chair on that one. Hilarious. And internet privileges revoked-I certainly hope so. God speed Elin Woods. May 2010 be a little less embarrassing for you both.
22. DD from SA | December 15th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
I completely appreciate the new motto involving VIKINGS! Too bad for T-man that he’s on restriction.
23. Sarah M | December 15th, 2009 at 7:07 pm
I am T-I-E-D tired too!!!
LMAO you are too freaking funny.
Though on a serious note (are those allowed on your blog?) I do feel so sorry for his wife and kids…what a serious jackass he turned out to be.
24. the mama bird diaries | December 15th, 2009 at 7:57 pm
I just can’t figure out why he slept with such sub par women when he was married to such a gorgeous girl. A Madonna/Whore complex?
Very funny post.
25. Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings | December 15th, 2009 at 8:24 pm
I knew this was going to be bad, and it was…in a good way! This whole Woods thing just shows us all that no matter how “hot” you are….your man can still walk away and find his lovin’ somewhere else, which is pathetic. Goes to show that men don’t really think with their minds at all….
26. Cassie | December 15th, 2009 at 10:00 pm
OMG LMAO! This is awesome!
27. redgirl | December 15th, 2009 at 10:26 pm
Blah…this is freaking hilarious. And I want to write one of my own. But it waould be copying
28. jessica | December 15th, 2009 at 11:12 pm
shit for all the dollars they are paying these girls for the text messages and such, I sure wish I’d have slept with the guy
29. Candy | December 16th, 2009 at 7:16 am
And if he’s still sleeping with THAT same woman, he should consider himself extremely fortunate.
30. Andrea | December 16th, 2009 at 11:08 am
Best Christmas letter, ever. Enough said.
31. Verna | December 16th, 2009 at 11:34 am
You are totally BAD, and I love that in a writer.
Bad to the bone, girl, bad to the bone – and a fine, fine writer.
Waiting for the Collected Works of Wendi.
v
32. e. ann | December 16th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Tiger = very bad kitty!
He’s up to 14 now, I hear.
When the HELL was there time to golf!
Eaaash!
33. DM | December 16th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Oh goodness, this made me laugh so hard.
Hi-larious! I have lost a lot of respect for him but gained a lot for his wife.
34. Helga Bitter | December 16th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
I never touched him!
I swear I am allergic to cats.
35. arulba | December 17th, 2009 at 12:53 am
Never piss of a Viking. That’s fantastic! I wonder, are Vikings easily pacified once they’ve been pissed off?
36. SF | December 18th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Q: What’s the difference between a golf ball and an SUV?
A: Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 400 yards.
37. Kristin | December 19th, 2009 at 11:51 pm
What’s the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?
Santa Claus only has 3 ho’s.
Merry Christmas Wendi!
38. Beth | December 21st, 2009 at 8:21 am
This is better than most of the holiday letters we get in the mail.
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