My 2010 New Year Resolutions
December 30th, 2009
1. This year I vow that I will never get another “Brazilian.” Or, for that matter, any other spa treatment that involves me not wearing pants while someone holding hot wax instructs me to “grab your knees and get into the cannonball position.”
2. This year I will work up the courage to go to PTA meetings in my Kate Gosselin wig and sunglasses and yell, “Sit yo ass down, dummy!” every time someone starts talking.
3. This year I will tell Dickens the cat to either learn how to brew coffee or open her own g-damn packet of Friskies at 6 a.m.
4. This year I will finally let my Fanilow Freak Flag fly when I go to Vegas in March to see Barry. And I will even happily wear the custom t-shirt my sister made for me that says, “She lost her youth, and she lost her Tony, now she’s lost her mind.”
5. This year I will explain to my 8 year-old son that, while we are thrilled he’s taken an interest in music, he really needs to stop singing his original song “Someone Smells and It’s Not Me” ten times a day. I will then explain to his 6 year-old brother that he needs to stop singing his original song, “I Not Smelly, You Are, Jerkface” ten times a day in response.
6. This year I will try to become more famous. (Step 1: Crash a joint session of Congress in my Mylar helicopter. Step 2: Strangle a Kardashian.)
7. This year I will make myself download some hipper music so iTunes will finally stop recommending that I buy the collected works of England Dan & John Ford Coley and/or the soundtrack to “Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector.”
8. This year I will not crank the heat up to 80 and yell, “Beach party!” every time my husband goes out of town.
9. This year I will improve my cooking skills so much that we will no longer need the two emergency fire extinguishers and ten boxes of baking soda under our kitchen sink.
10. This year I will threaten to give an atomic wedgie to anyone who’s blabbing away on their cell phone while I’m next to them at the gym. Yeah, I’m talking to you, weird guy who works out in swim trunks and hiking boots. Hang up already.
11. This year I will sit down with my neighbor Terri and tell her the real reason that nobody likes her isn’t because she’s from Canada; it’s because she smells like vitamins and begins every other sentence with “Who do I have to blow…”
12. This year I will also sit down with my neighbor Gary and tell him the real reason that nobody likes him isn’t because he looks like Susan Boyle in Wranglers; it’s because he’s a jackass.
13. This year I will maybe try to get some new neighbors.
14. This year I will once again make an effort to stop drunk dialing Larry King, and telling the call screener that my name is, “Wendi from The Waffle House” and I urgently need to talk to Larry about getting in his will because “time is ticking, my friend.”
15. And finally, this year I will no longer write blog posts after being trapped in the house for ten days with two little kids, an incontinent cat and an expired container of Egg Nog. I really, really will.
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53 Comments
Add your own1. Grumble Girl | December 30th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Go, Wendi, GO!! I’m killing myself laughing at this… hee! Hope your year is wicked-awesome, lady. I like you lots. xox
2. Mandy | December 30th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
I’m so glad you’re going to be strangling a Kardashian. So I don’t have to. Also, better than knocking one up.
3. mehitabels | December 30th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
every time someone mentions Kardashians I think Star Trek . . . I’d make a resolution about it, but I’d probably have to stop squealing when I read Brent Spiner’s tweets
4. Libby | December 30th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
If all of us did #6 Step 2 the world would be a better place by 2011.
5. Ashley, the Accidental Olympian | December 30th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
I think the last one is pointless. Let your freak flag fly lady!
Everyone likes a little crazy every now and again.
6. christy | December 30th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
I love all of them except the last one – I LOVE these posts. So freaking funny!
7. amy2boys | December 30th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
This is the best list of resolutions I’ve seen in a long time. (#!! – ha! and also ??)
8. Surfie | December 30th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
Holy cow, I totally agree with #1. I thought of you when I saw a commercial for some Christmas movie titled Cranberry Christmas. All the music was co-written and performed by Barry Manilow, and he narrates the story.
9. Marinka | December 30th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
This is a great list. Very inspirational. You’re like my own, slimmer Oprah.
10. Sarah M | December 30th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
LMAO!!!! They are all hilarious…I especially like #8 ha ha!!
11. Shelly | December 30th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
You + Barry in March sounds like a dream!
12. Love | December 30th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
What I wouldn’t give to tell all my neighbors why people really don’t like them…your resolutions have me inspired!!
13. vodkamom | December 30th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
This year I will try not to drink so much vodka.
14. Denise | December 30th, 2009 at 6:59 pm
A swimsuit and hiking boots? For Reals? Ugh….kick that idiot out of the gym!
Happy New Year Wendi!!!
15. the mama bird diaries | December 30th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
You forgot, “This year I will finally start appreciating the brilliance of “Gary Unmarried.”
16. Lisa | December 30th, 2009 at 8:25 pm
I will help you strangle a Kardashian. Oh. I’m sorry….am I like the 10th person to jump on that bandwagon?
My resolution is that I will not make stupid comments on blogs I love.
Oh crap. I never keep my resolutions.
17. Beth | December 30th, 2009 at 9:44 pm
Ironically, the house across the street from me is now for sale. The owner died a few weeks ago. Add this to his neighbor and the neighbors on either side of us who have all kicked. We are the only house on the block without a recent death. I’m beginning to get a complex.
18. Verna | December 30th, 2009 at 10:50 pm
Happy New Year, oh wise woman! Can hardly wait to find out what you will really manifest in 2010 with all these resolutions. Maybe Barry Manilow will move in next door? Or make bundles of money recording the songs you wish your sons wouldn’t sing? Or crash your beach party the next time your husband goes out of town?
19. Anna Lefler | December 31st, 2009 at 12:06 am
Who do I have to blow to get someone to strangle a Kardashian?
Love,
Anna
P.S. Yes, I know it should be “whom.” But that don’t sound right.
20. yogurtry | December 31st, 2009 at 1:16 am
Can I borrow your Kate wig? So I can ask, no, demand, that the over-achieving moms please stop taking up my time with so much gushing and thanking each other for so much time volunteered and jobs well done? And then the online letters with 1200 links to more gushy, thankyou thankyou thankyous ? And can I get a thank you for just sitting through all of that?
If I can do that, I think it WILL be a good year!
21. Technogran | December 31st, 2009 at 1:35 am
I love this! So funny. I love this blog!
22. Mypheme | December 31st, 2009 at 3:49 am
You had me at the hard “K’s”… Cannonball and Kardashian! I have Kramps because I laughed so hard. Happy New Year!!!!!!!!
23. Sophie | December 31st, 2009 at 6:05 am
You go, girl!
We have complete faith in you!
24. Jen | December 31st, 2009 at 6:44 am
Love this post! You have inspired me. I may have to do a similar one. You always crack me up. Can’t wait to see what you come up with in the new year.
25. Crystal | December 31st, 2009 at 7:48 am
What is it with everyone (INCLUDING me) wanting to help you strangle a Kardashian? Could it POSSIBLY be that there is NO good reason (only bad ones) they’re famous? While we’re all HELPING you…can I go stalk Jeff Probst while we’re in LA? Pretty PLEASE?!?!?!?
BTW – LOVE your post!
26. Amy | December 31st, 2009 at 9:04 am
My 5 yr old is always saying “Something smells bad” when she’s sitting alone across the room. Glad I subscribed to your blog! It always cheers me up! Happy New Year!!!
27. Julie | December 31st, 2009 at 11:18 am
Dear Wendy,
I love you.
28. sandy | December 31st, 2009 at 11:47 am
re: #6 – may I suggest reversing steps one and two? I hate to think you might be in federal custody before you can strangle a Kardashian.
Happy New Year, Wendy!
29. ann | December 31st, 2009 at 12:32 pm
11 and 12 are my favorite, but I was laughing at “cannonball positition” before I even clicked over from the teaser…
30. Patty | December 31st, 2009 at 1:08 pm
Not the Kate Gosselin wig. Please. NOT THAT!
However, if you care to poison the punch at the PTA, feel free.
31. Becky | December 31st, 2009 at 1:38 pm
My “Wendi is a goddess blogger” freak flag is ALWAYS flying. Continue to bring the snark in 2010!
32. Kristin | December 31st, 2009 at 8:21 pm
#9 – I pray this does not mean you are throwing out your recipe for the infamous “Purple Pussy Casserole”! That stuff is the shiznit!!!
33. New York City Mom|The Mam&hellip | December 31st, 2009 at 10:01 pm
[...] 10. Realize that I now have no resolutions so I must steal them from other funny bloggers. [...]
34. Kirsten | December 31st, 2009 at 11:31 pm
I want to join your PTA.
35. dg at diaryofamadbathroom | January 1st, 2010 at 7:41 am
You know how to resolution like a mo fo! I don’t have one, you have 15. Ok, here’s one for me – I resolve not to “borrow” any of these resolutions, despite my urges otherwise.
Regarding #4 – If Fanilows are making this the year that they come out of the closet, don’t you think old Bar should follow suit?
And # 11? Damn.
Happy New Year!
36. Cassie | January 1st, 2010 at 11:24 am
This is hands down, the best list I’ve ever read!
Happy New Year, Wendi!
37. Lela Davidson | January 1st, 2010 at 2:55 pm
Very good – as far as resolutions go. But they’re so [insert whine] haaaaaard. I prefer the Anti-Resolution
http://afterthebubbly.com/anti-resolutions/
38. Cathy | January 1st, 2010 at 4:08 pm
You’re not alone on #4. I just found out that my friend’s sister is has been to so many concerts that she’s friends with Manilow’s trombonist–they text each other all the time! She went to Vegas last week to see him–without a ticket to the show, but is hoping the trombonist will get her in. Anyway, Happy New Year.
39. Maria Butts | January 1st, 2010 at 8:35 pm
I like Terri! I guess I like Flinstone vitamin breath… and have her tell you how she got that great discount on her backsplash tiles in her kitchen. You will need an appletini for that one!
40. Rox | January 2nd, 2010 at 3:27 pm
OMG, Wendi, I’m a Fanilow too; and the family came around a little when we adopted our Cuban dog, Lola. We sing to her a lot — better than singing to humans, you know?!
I also joined the PTA as a board member this year, and I’ve already quit for next year. Would you please bring your Kate Gosselin up here to CA and tell them why (you can make up anything you’d like!)? I make a great neighbor AND a great martini.
Happy New Year!
41. Jeffrey Trapnell | January 2nd, 2010 at 5:45 pm
My resolution, while stolen from your nephew, is still a perfect fit. I am going to be more AWESOME and less crazy
~cheers
42. Laura | January 3rd, 2010 at 2:55 pm
First, I may pay good money to see you do the Kate Gosselin thing. Second, can I pleeeaaassseee pick the Kardashian that you get to strangle? Happy New Year!
43. Invader_Stu | January 4th, 2010 at 8:10 am
But what if your 8 year old son has the next smash hit number one on his hands. Do you really want to risk losing all those millions?
44. Lisa Rae @smacksy | January 4th, 2010 at 9:34 am
List of brilliance.
And apparently “Someone Smells…” and it’s your neighbor Terri.
45. Mommy on the Spot | January 4th, 2010 at 12:45 pm
I just found your blog, and this list was hilarious!!
46. MamaFreaksOut | January 4th, 2010 at 2:54 pm
OMG so funny! Your PTO sounds just like ours, annoying. Keep the posts coming!
47. Candy | January 4th, 2010 at 3:17 pm
Re: #2…that wasn’t you?
48. Chris Mancini | January 4th, 2010 at 3:26 pm
PLEASE record the PTA meeting in the Gosselin wig and put it on Youtube. Viral sensation in 10 seconds.
49. Nap Warden | January 5th, 2010 at 9:14 pm
I love Barry Manilow! I am a fanilow! I want that shirt!
…that is all:)
50. Lisa | January 5th, 2010 at 10:21 pm
Awesome list! I especially like #3. I may have to try that here…..
51. alyssa | January 6th, 2010 at 9:51 am
I am with you on itunes, actually one step behind I have to learn how to use it first. This is the best list I have seen by far hands down!
52. Wendi | January 7th, 2010 at 6:53 am
Glad to see you’re dreaming big for 2010 Wendi.
53. These Are Days&hellip | January 23rd, 2010 at 5:34 pm
[...] So, yes, I get a little conflicted about bringing your attention to all these blogs that I read with a mixture of awe and envy. But c’mon, how can I not introduce you to these smart, funny women? You deserve it and so do they. So you gotta read Wendi’s blog. You’ll laugh and relate and want to be friends with her. When you get a chance, check her out. Here’s a sample that she wrote recently about her 2010 resolutions, here. [...]
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