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Jose, Barry and Me

November 10th, 2009

As some of you know, I sort of had a rough time of it last week. Not only were my kids hit with a mild case of the Swine Flu, but now my hair guy, Mr. Jimmy, has apparently gone AWOL. Or more accurately, “Absent With Out Letting Me Know Why The Hell His Phone Won’t Work And Now I Have Two Inch Dark Roots And Look Like A WalMart Tranny.” (AWOLMKWTHHPWWANIHTIDRALLAWT for short.)

Luckily, my neighbor has put her house up for sale, so I’ve been temporarily cheered up by seeing this sign every day:

007_19

Yes, apparently there’s a Realtor in town whose name is  “Jose Cuervo” just like the tequila brand. But while I’ve had a great time screaming, “Woo-Hoo! Do you get free salt and lime with purchase?!”, my husband now tells me that my “shtick is getting a little old” and that I should just zip it before one of the other neighbors on the block throws limes at my head. What can I say—it’s a tough suburb.

Since I don’t have that to cheer me up anymore, I was really excited to get an early birthday present from my sister Amy. Amy always sends me great things like Nordstrom gift cards and nice jewelry. But apparently Amy must have had someone throwing limes at her head, too, because this is the first thing I pulled out of my gift box:

lbs

Uh-huh. Love’s Baby Soft spray perfume. Awwwww, yeah. Something I loved when I was 12, but this time when I put it on, the cat went into hiding, the kids started gagging, and my neck broke out in horrible, itchy hives. Thanks, Amy!

But wait—there’s more:

off

She also sent me the OFF! Clip-On mosquito repellent. The one that I wrote about a while back when I said, “now you can look even more like a jackass this summer.” And not only did she send me a package that was already open, but it also has TWO clearance stickers on it letting me know I’m worth $2.33. Thanks, Amy!

Finally, my lovely sister knew that I was upset about not getting to Vegas this year to see a very special someone—mostly because out of the 1,200 people I asked, nobody would go with me—so she sent me this:

manilow

Plus a Barry poster and a fashion-forward Copacabana keychain. And then she made the ultimate sacrifice by offering to go to see Barry’s Music and Passion show with me; albeit on the condition that I “pay for the tickets and tons of drinks,” keep the rest of the “freaky Fanilows” away from her, and let her listen to Bon Jovi on her iPod while Barry’s singing. Thanks, Amy!

But while her gifts were insane to say the least, I do feel a little cheered up. So much so that when I just saw my neighbor whose house is for sale, I wasn’t even tempted to ask if her mortgage lender’s name is Jack Daniels.

Now if I can just find Mr. Jimmy.

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48 Comments

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  • 1. Meagan Lopez  |  November 10th, 2009 at 8:33 am

    You are hilarious. I did literally laugh out loud when i saw that for sale sign, oh and at the Walmart Tranny line – because, well, we all know what they’re like.

  • 2. Marinka  |  November 10th, 2009 at 8:53 am

    they’re not trannys at Walmart. They’re just American.

  • 3. Invader_Stu  |  November 10th, 2009 at 8:55 am

    I think I need one of those OFF! Clip-On mosquito repellents. Can your sister send a few to Holland?

  • 4. Denise  |  November 10th, 2009 at 9:13 am

    Hey Now! Dont hate on the dark root Walmart shoppers!!! We arent all trannys, lol

  • 5. Maxly  |  November 10th, 2009 at 9:14 am

    Try WalMart on a Texas Motor Speedway weekend….it is a foreign country without the passport. BAD mistake to go there but highly entertaining.

  • 6. Ashley, the Accidental Olympian  |  November 10th, 2009 at 9:28 am

    In this economy I would feel SO much better knowing my home is being sold by Jose Cuervo. A man with a name like that has to have A. a sense of humor, and B. swagger.

  • 7. Candy  |  November 10th, 2009 at 11:33 am

    I love Manilow AND Bon Jovi. Can I come to the show with you and your sister?

  • 8. Sophie  |  November 10th, 2009 at 11:39 am

    Of course you realise- THITH MEANTH WARRRR!

  • 9. Lisa Rae @ smacksy  |  November 10th, 2009 at 11:41 am

    Cool that your sister is not afraid to show her love by dropping a pile of Washingtons at the dollar store.

    My bet is that if you follow the path to Mr. Mannilow, you will also find Mr. Jimmy and Mr. Sigfried and Mr. Roy.

  • 10. hokgardner  |  November 10th, 2009 at 12:03 pm

    Mom is sitting next to me, and she says, “Hi!”

    And you still need to let me take you out for your birthday.

    When my mom’s sister turned 40, mom sent her a whole week of gag gifts, one at a time. The last present was a bracelet from Tiffany & Co., but it didn’t arrive on my aunt’s birthday. So my aunt figured that mom was really, really mean to just send things like magnifying, flip-up glasses for putting on make-up; a daily pill sorter; a filled out card for AARP; and the like.

  • 11. Red  |  November 10th, 2009 at 12:47 pm

    What a cheapskate! She owes you a cheesecake outing.

  • 12. peajaye  |  November 10th, 2009 at 1:20 pm

    @Lisa Rae… and don’t forget the Tranny. Her name is Lola. She is a showgirl.

  • 13. Cait  |  November 10th, 2009 at 1:49 pm

    I love fun realtor names. Sometimes I think they make them up. My aunt bought her house from Clayt Ertle. Say it with a straight face, I dare you!!

  • 14. Steve  |  November 10th, 2009 at 1:55 pm

    My wife sent me this current blog post because I used to like BM. No, wait a minute, that didn’t come out right. Wait that didn’t sound good either…

    Let’s start again. Barry was my first love…no dangit…I was 13 and had all his records and knew all the words to his songs. I did mention I was 13 growing up in rural Nebraska and didn’t realize that wasn’t cool…not until my 30′s. Do I still listen to Barry? You never stop thinking about your first love.

  • 15. Stillie  |  November 10th, 2009 at 4:33 pm

    Well, MY colorist just took off and ran to Austin, so maybe you can find her! LOL!

  • 16. Sarah M  |  November 10th, 2009 at 4:37 pm

    Your posts are the highlight of my day!!!! They just need to come more regularly to keep me sane between Xanax.

  • 17. Lifes Crazy Joke  |  November 10th, 2009 at 8:23 pm

    I love the Love’s Baby Soft. I wore it when I was 12 as well.

    Just gave you an award. Come and get it!
    http://bit.ly/22BGoN

  • 18. Anna Lefler  |  November 10th, 2009 at 11:34 pm

    What, no Jean Nate?

    (That’s na-TAY. It’s Franch.)

  • 19. DG at Diaryofamadbathroom  |  November 11th, 2009 at 4:18 am

    Are Fanilows just Claymates separated by a couple of decades?

  • 20. Vel  |  November 11th, 2009 at 4:56 am

    OMG your sister’s gifts are hysterical! As is Jose’s for sale sign. ;)

  • 21. Amber  |  November 11th, 2009 at 10:08 am

    I just want to say that everytime I get an email saying you’ve updated I get excited! You always make me laugh and I just wish I had half the ability that you do to make people laugh through your writing. Your blog is great. So great in fact that I would even go see Barry with you just because you entertain me :-D LOL Keep up the good work!

  • 22. Lottie Lou  |  November 11th, 2009 at 10:32 am

    Better presents than what I get for my birthday. Once, I got a phone call from my parents (with whom I lived at the time) saying, “We are in New Orleans, see you next week.”

  • 23. karen from mentor  |  November 11th, 2009 at 10:54 am

    A) Happy Birthday!!!

    B) I just saw a politician whose name is Carol New Year [I'm thinking it's an alias]

    C) I LOL all the way through, so this was a nice break from frying all my neurons doing NaNo…. SO THANKS!!!!
    Karen :0)

  • 24. karen from mentor  |  November 11th, 2009 at 10:56 am

    A) Happy Birthday!!!

    B) I just saw a politician whose name is Carol New Year [I'm thinking it's an alias]

    C) I LOL all the way through, so this was a nice break from frying all my neurons doing NaNo…. SO THANKS!!!!
    Karen :0)

    sorry to double comment I pushed “send” before including my link….

  • 25. Laura  |  November 11th, 2009 at 1:04 pm

    Happy Birthday to you! Loves Baby Soft, now that brings back some memories… You seriously need to leave a bottle of that stuff on your neighbor’s door step!

  • 26. the mama bird diaries  |  November 11th, 2009 at 1:22 pm

    When is your birthday?! I can’t wait to send you my legwarmers from 6th grade.

    That sign is so fabulous that I want to buy that house.

  • 27. Jen  |  November 11th, 2009 at 4:39 pm

    This cracked me up! If that house doesn’t sell soon, they need to start having open houses that include free margaritas. You have a kind and thoughtful sister. Not many would consider going to a Barry Manilow concert even with an iPod glued to one’s head.

  • 28. ann  |  November 11th, 2009 at 6:43 pm

    My kids had that same mild swine flu.

    And I have a horrible superstition about getting a great haircut–the moment you tell your friends about your terrific new stylist, the stylist decides to get engaged and move upstate.

    I know this troubles of which you speak.

  • 29. Lulu and Moxley's Mom  |  November 11th, 2009 at 9:19 pm

    Back in the early 90s Barry was touring and I asked my then boyfriend how many tickets I should get. “One” was his answer. I would go to Barry with you!!!

  • 30. Deb  |  November 12th, 2009 at 7:51 am

    thanks for making me laugh today! Love your posts.

  • 31. P.Lip  |  November 12th, 2009 at 2:28 pm

    Hilarious!

  • 32. Love  |  November 12th, 2009 at 10:17 pm

    You need a bounty hunter for your colorist. They aren’t allowed to just up and leave. If mine did I would hire a PI. Its not like you can just go to Great Clips and have your problems solved. In fact, I think you go to Great Clips if you want to be sure to make sure you cause trouble for yourself.

    And seriously!? Jose Cuervo? Seriously?! That joke will never, ever get old, as long as that sign is posted. Long live Jose!!

    Thanks for making me laugh out loud.

  • 33. Belle  |  November 13th, 2009 at 7:42 am

    I swear hairdressers have all the power in the relationships! They make you soooo dependent on them, and they can just up and leave you at any given moment. It’s not fair. We need to figure out a way to get some of the power…

  • 34. Hannah  |  November 13th, 2009 at 8:22 am

    Happy early Birthday! That perfume and insect repellent are probably interchangeable. ;)

  • 35. phd in yogurtry  |  November 13th, 2009 at 10:55 am

    I wouldn’t mind doing a round of house hunting with Mr. Cuervo. No sirree. I wonder if his signs would help my husband’s properties sell faster?

  • 36. Robin  |  November 13th, 2009 at 2:35 pm

    Wendi, you are HILARIOUS! I’m a big Barry Manilow fan, and am always taking shit for it from my friends and coworkers. Thanks! I laughed so hard, I cried!

  • 37. habanerogal  |  November 13th, 2009 at 11:43 pm

    You should have microchipped Mr Jimmy when you two got drunk with Jose Cuervo the realtor. I wonder if Jose puts limes in bowls on the dining table when he stages one of his homes.

  • 38. Surfie  |  November 14th, 2009 at 12:45 pm

    You should get some poster board and make a tequila bottle to tape to that for sale sign.

  • 39. Beth  |  November 14th, 2009 at 2:56 pm

    I would buy a house from Jose Cuervo. Really, I would.

  • 40. MommyAmy  |  November 14th, 2009 at 6:05 pm

    You’re totally right about Realtors. I should know, I used to be one.

  • 41. Aunt Becky  |  November 14th, 2009 at 8:32 pm

    Dude. WAIT. They still make Luv’s Baby Soft? GET ME TO A, UH, *whispers* where do they sell it again?

  • 42. Gretchen  |  November 14th, 2009 at 10:36 pm

    I would totally have gone with you to see The Man! Barry was my second concert in my life and I’ll never forget it. I was about 12. Austin’s Municipal Auditorium. I sobbed when he sang Mandy. Oddly, my first concert was War, also at the AMA. I was a child of diverse taste.

  • 43. amy2boys  |  November 15th, 2009 at 8:52 am

    Your sister is funny. The realtor’s name is practically unbelievable! I’d hire him to sell my house just cause it’s THAT hilarious.

  • 44. Amy- your sister  |  November 15th, 2009 at 8:30 pm

    I seem to remember that you gave me Bon Jovi flannel pants and t-shirt a few years ago. I couldn’t find Barry pajamas so I thought I would go with what I could find! Real gift (card) is in the mail!!!

    Love ya!!

    Amy

  • 45. Charlie  |  November 16th, 2009 at 2:46 am

    Your blog is so fun to read!
    where do you come up with such ideas? :)
    I’ve been reading all your past posts for almost 2 weeks now and every new post is brilliant :)

  • 46. Margaret (Nanny Goats)  |  November 16th, 2009 at 3:58 pm

    OK, so on that AWOLMKWTHHPWWANIHTIDRALLAWT? Which syllable gets the accent?

  • 47. jessica  |  November 17th, 2009 at 5:57 pm

    did you insult one of her kids? Hey, at least your sister sent you something. More than I would get, trust me

  • 48. Sass Runs in Packs | Afte&hellip  |  November 24th, 2009 at 5:30 am

    [...] had a bad week. Go cheer her up – she’ll return the [...]


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