A Recipe For A Disaster, Redux
November 24th, 2009
Dear Mrs. Aarons,
Well, it’s that time of year again. Time for our school to put together its annual “Holiday Family Recipe” book. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you how very special this book is to both parents and children alike. After all, what could be a more glorious way to celebrate the spirit of the season than by sharing our favorite family recipes with each other? I know my family’s Christmas Eve night wouldn’t be complete without “Joshua B.’s Favorite Egg Noggy” or “Madison R.’s Sugar Cookies.” (Although between you and me, “Ethan G.’s Pork Kabobs” never seem to agree with me.)
The school staff knows that you’ve enthusiastically participated in this project over the years, and we thank you for that. However, seeing as how there have been some, well, issues with most or all of your contributions, this year the administration has decided to give you some better guidelines as to what exactly constitutes a “traditional” holiday recipe. We hope that this will help give you a better understanding of what we deem appropriate for our very special book.
Acceptable Recipes:
Grandma’s Chocolate Cookies
Aunt Sally’s Cornbread
The Peterson’s Pumpkin Pie
Unacceptable Recipes:
A label of ingredients torn off a package of Double Stuffed Oreos
The phone number to Wang’s Chinese Kitchen
“The Aarons Family’s Mindwiper Punch”
(Even if the recipe has been in your family for over three generations, this is still not acceptable.)
Recipes stolen from well-known chefs with their names crossed out in Sharpie
A piece of paper upon which is written, “When You’ve Got A Rack Like Mine, You Don’t Have to Cook, Yo”
50% off coupons for the Hoodia Rush appetite suppressant for “all the ladies who need to drop a few” and/or “all the ladies who like a good holiday buzz, y’all”
A recipe for “A Night of Animal Passion” ripped out of Cosmo magazine
(We can’t even begin to tell you how unacceptable this is, and trust me when I say the members of our staff who made multiple photocopies of it have been dealt with accordingly.)
And finally, a photograph of a live turkey with the caption, “Bang!”
Mrs. Aarons, we sincerely hope you’ll take these suggestions to heart. We hope you’ll submit something that can actually include this year’s book, rather than once again be put through our industrial shredder. Let’s make this a happy holiday for all.
Sincerely,
The School Staff
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized
47 Comments
Add your own1. Lottie Lou | November 24th, 2009 at 8:17 am
It didn’t say you couldn’t write a recipe for how to make wine.
2. Deb on the Rocks | November 24th, 2009 at 8:21 am
Oh yeah. True story: in middle school my son stopped asking me and went on the Internet for a lasagne recipe. It was some bizarre 3-meated version with metric measurements and called for “aubergines.” When I reviewed the book I was at first concerned that my latent other personality was re-emerging, but when he filled me in I was thrilled with his resourcefulness.
3. Anne | November 24th, 2009 at 8:29 am
Love it! Nearly woke my kid up laughing over the “turkey recipe”.
4. Marinka | November 24th, 2009 at 8:31 am
Oh, whatever. Their loss is our gain. Except if we get the Hoodia Rush, of course.
5. Shelly | November 24th, 2009 at 8:33 am
Please to email me the link for the “Night of Animal Passion” article, ‘kthnx!
6. Cara | November 24th, 2009 at 8:40 am
I would like “The Aarons Family’s Mindwiper Punch” please. Need it for Thanksgiving dinner with the mother-in-law.
7. Jen | November 24th, 2009 at 8:41 am
When my mother’s church put together a cookbook she grabbed some recipes off the internet and claimed they were hers (my mother – SO not a cook.) She then gave me a copy, and now every time my daughter looks through the cookbook I have to explain all over again that the “Grandma’s Sugar Cookies” recipe with my mother’s name under it is not really from an actual grandmother in our family except in the most peripheral way possible. I have a bad feeling that someday she’s going to share that exact recipe with her children, thinking it’s a genuine family recipe, even though my mother has never made sugar cookies in her life.
Ironically, I have the real and true sugar cookie recipe that my grandmother used to make. I would have been more than happy to send a copy to my mother if I’d known she needed it.
8. Candy | November 24th, 2009 at 8:51 am
Another vote for Mindwiper Punch. And I’m not wasting it on my mother-in-law.
9. hokgardner | November 24th, 2009 at 8:53 am
I want the recipe for the Aarons Family’s Mindwiper Punch, please. I’m going to need it to forget all of the mil-induced DRAH-MAH of this year’s Thanksgiving.
10. Beth | November 24th, 2009 at 8:58 am
I actually have a recipe for cooked cat (from the Chinese family who used to live next door). I am willing to share.
11. Surfie | November 24th, 2009 at 9:01 am
My note would have to say, “When you’ve got a rack like mine, you’d better learn how to cook – quick, fast, and in a hurry!” Cleavage? What cleavage?
12. Lisa Rae @ smacksy | November 24th, 2009 at 9:04 am
Brilliant.
Definitely coming to your house for Thanksgiving. (I love Chinese food.)
13. Ivan Toblog | November 24th, 2009 at 9:05 am
Here’s my
Mined wiping punch
one large glass (28oz at least)
fill w/small ice cubelets
1 1/4 oz dark rum
1 1/2 oz light rum
1 1/4 151 proof rum
finish filling the glass with equal parts pineapple and orange juice
float a little pomegranate juice and garnish with fruit.
14. Wendi | November 24th, 2009 at 9:29 am
I think every family ought to have a version of Mindwiper Punch. Must work on incorporating that into future family events.
15. Sarah M | November 24th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Mindwiper punch ,,,,LMBO
16. Roshni | November 24th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
I would love to try all YOUR recipes!!!
17. Mandy | November 24th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Hahahahahaha!!!!!
18. Heather | November 24th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
“And finally, a photograph of a live turkey with the caption, “Bang!”
OMG! I seriously laughed so hard I started choking. Hilarious!
I rarely cook with recipes. I groan when people request them for things that I cook, because then I have to recreate them in order to write it down. Half the time if I do own a recipe for something, I can’t find it, but thanks to my almost perfect photographic memory I can wing it.
It’s always amusing when I have passed on a “recipe” and the person tells me later that it just “wasn’t as good” as when I made it. Yeah, no kidding.
Of course, I always believe that food tastes better when someone else makes it.
Thanks for the morning laugh!
19. Patty | November 24th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Our Mindwiper punch comes in bottles — Pennsylvania Dutch eggnog, with brandy AND rum AND whiskey.
I think of it as Old Paralysis, but it is very good at erasing the rough spots of the holidays and leaving that warm, fuzzy glow that is only possible with almost total amnesia.
Such as trying to pull out the family antique ornaments and finding a box labeled, “Broken Ornaments — XMas, 1962″ and “Burnt Out Lights — XMas, 1957.”
That was NOT erased. Alas.
20. Laura | November 24th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Please forward some of those recipes of yours over here. I could use them. Especially the mindwiper punch!
21. Gretchen | November 24th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
Those people are big drags. I’d much rather have a recipe for Aarons Mindwiper Punch than for Peterson’s Pumpkin Pie. And I totally accept having a great rack as an excuse for not needing to cook.
22. Laurie | November 24th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
I didn’t know my rack could get me out of cooking. I shall implement immediately.
23. ann | November 24th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
I will contribute the recipe for Springfield Ass:
cheeselog
summer sausage
shrimp
mini donuts
m&ms
chipped beef dip
mint meltaways
All served on the same holiday table with my In Laws in front of Fox News in Springfield IL
24. Aunt Becky | November 24th, 2009 at 10:02 pm
True Story: when I was a kid, I submitted my favorite recipe as “Call China Lite, wait 20 minutes, go pick it up.”
I shit you not.
25. Invader_Stu | November 25th, 2009 at 6:29 am
I started laughing out loud while reading this and everyone in my office looked at me like I was crazy.
I think I might have had some The Aarons Family’s Mindwiper Punch at a college party once… at least the bit I can remember.
26. sarah Pekkanen | November 25th, 2009 at 7:26 am
Brilliant, as usual… thanks for the laugh!
27. Anna Lefler | November 25th, 2009 at 10:29 am
Mindwiper Punch. Ah, sweet nectar of oblivion.
I’ll stop by your house for some later. It’s a two-day drive…but so worth it.
Happy Thanksgiving!
XO
Anna
28. Sophie | November 25th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Geesh! some people are so picky in their demands… I don’t see what’s wrong with the list they gave. Especially the punch sounds good. Share, please. We’re having a birthday party in 2 weeks. Well, our 2-yr old is having a party. We’ll just have the booze, please. Thankyou.
29. Tibi | November 25th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
My favorite Mindwiper Punch recipe started a few years ago, when Sweet Tea Vodka first came out down here in South Carolina. I brought a bottle to Thanksgiving and set it on the counter next to all the other bottles of booze that help us tolerate one another. The hostess (a grandmother of 9), reading the “Sweet Tea” part of the label but missing the “Vodka” part, helped herself to a huge glass of the stuff. Being a resourceful, I’ve Been Through Depressions! kind of woman, after she tasted it she couldn’t bring herself to throw any out, but the glass was so full she couldn’t add any mixers, either! What’s a girl to do?
Two hours later she was passed out on the couch with her head inclined at a very strange angle. An hour after that she got up, put on her party pants, and joined us “girls” bar hopping. Good times.
30. Ashley, the Accidental Olympian | November 25th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
What a bunch of snobs….
31. phd in yogurtry | November 25th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
May I have a dip into the mindwiper punch bowl? I brought my own cup?
32. Becky | November 25th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
I had no idea I was in such good company in needing the Mindwiper Punch to deal with a pesky MIL.
And now (with apologies to Beyonce)…..
All the married ladies…
all the married ladies…
all the married ladies…
all the married ladies…
if you like it than you shoulda filled your cup with it…
As always, I remain grateful that I have Wendi to make me laugh my ass off.
-Becky
33. DeeDee from SA | November 25th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
Hey, I’ll take a copy of our Mindwiper Punch any day over the Peterson’s pumpkin pie.
34. the mama bird diaries | November 25th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
obviously, it’s time to start your own recipe book.
35. Boots McGee | November 26th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
Hahahahaha. Brilliant.
36. e. ann | November 26th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
BAHAHAAAAA!!
I remeber those!
Now my kids are in university and we can just invite the profs over ofr drinkypoos!
WHEEEEE!!!
.
.
.
Remeber kttens! Always serve the good stuff, to help maintain your kid’s average!
37. erikagwen | November 27th, 2009 at 11:32 am
Whatever School Staff, I would totally buy a cookbook for me and all my friends if it had those punch, Turkey, & chinese food recipes in it. That’s my kind of cuisine.
38. Hannah | November 27th, 2009 at 11:47 am
“The Aarons Family’s Mindwiper Punch”
Hey if they don’t want the recipe, can I have it?
39. Lisa | November 27th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
Absolutely FABULOUS. Mindwiper punch. Love it!
40. DM | November 27th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
Ha! I think this would be lots of fun for my co-workers cookbook. Especially the mindwiper punch!
41. Lulu and Moxley's Mom | November 28th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
Umm, hi. Laughing my ass off. I would say “LOL” but then I’d have to shoot myself. Just got back from a 6-hour car ride from hell so needed this. Just in case you didn’t know, the singing puppy is Twin #1’s toy. She wanted me to tell the entire country as she did during our unpleasant car ride.
42. karen from mentor | November 30th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
“A piece of paper upon which is written, “When You’ve Got A Rack Like Mine, You Don’t Have to Cook, Yo”
Brilliant!
hee hee hee
Still recovering from Nanowrimo. Needed this today.
Thanks! :0)
43. Amy | November 30th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
What is Joshua B. doing with a favorite Egg Nog recipe?
44. Heather, Queen of Shake Shake | November 30th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
Oh dear god in heaven, please do not let the PTA of my school read this post, I don’t think they are aware of this class holiday cookbook idea.
45. amy2boys | November 30th, 2009 at 8:56 pm
Mindwiper Punch. heh. (What? No recipe? You tease.)
46. Nap Warden | November 30th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
Wait…sushi take out from Green Tea is not an acceptable recipe? What the?
47. jessica | December 1st, 2009 at 10:46 am
I believe mine would have been a folder of menus from all over my neighborhood
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