I hate children’s movies.
I know that’s an awful thing to say, and it probably makes me a bad mother and I’ll most likely get waterboarded by Pixar for my treason, but it’s true. Nine times out of ten, G-rated films are just horrible. There’s the sassy fish, the friendly aliens, the misunderstood monsters—-it’s like going on a bad acid trip with a bucket of popcorn on your lap. No, thank you.
As the mother of two little boys, I find myself miserably sitting through such masterpieces as Aliens in the Attic and Space Chimps at least twice a month. “What is it today, guys?” I’ll ask. “Talking squirrels? Constipated candy bars? J. Lo as the voice of a lonely toaster oven? Oh, for the love of God, don’t tell me it’s another adorable mouse with self-esteem issues. Jesus, you mice, could you man up a little? Maybe grow a pair? Do you think that’d be possible?”
It’s all I can do to not drop a cyanide pill during the previews.
Of course, I’m happy that I get to spend time with my kids at the theater, but I’ll be a lot happier once they’re old enough to see movies that include swear words and flashes of brief nudity. “Look!” I’ll say then. “That’s Daniel Craig’s naked rear end! Come on, boys, tell me that’s not more exciting than Shrek! Booyah, baby!” (Well, okay, so maybe that’s not such a good idea, either. But did I mention how much I hate the talking squirrels?)
A few months ago, after I almost set fire to my own pants during Hotel For Dogs, I was so desperate for help that I begged my husband to do something. “Well, why don’t you just use your iPhone during the movie?” he said. “That’s what I do every time you make me take the boys to a crap show. It was either that or smuggle in a pony keg.”
“You mean I should do some, like, sexting or something?” I asked. “Is that even legal? And more important, do I have to use proper grammar when I sext? Because I’m not sure how to spell a certain orifice that starts with ‘T’ and I don’t want to embarrass myself.”
“No, genius. You use your iPhone to watch other movies during the kid’s movie. Don’t worry—-I’ll set you up.”
So now, thanks to his (possibly illegal) magic, whenever we go to the movies, we sit in the back row where the boys happily watch flamboyant animals on the big screen while I happily watch episodes of Mary Tyler Moore on my little screen. They point and laugh at farting ducks while I smirk and chuckle at Laverne and Shirley. With a long battery life and sound-proof headphones, it’s the perfect set-up. I honestly haven’t felt suicidal in weeks; not even during that sexy guinea pig spy movie that normally would have made me flog myself with a pack of Twizzlers until I passed out.
Of course, now that I’m not actually watching the movie we go to, I have to just wing it when the boys ask me what I thought about it. “Did you like Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs, mommy?” they’ll ask. “What was your favorite part?”
“Gee, that’s a tough one,” I’ll answer. “But I have to say that I probably liked the part where Lou Grant had to go to the hospital for his old war injuries and then the, um, cloudy meatballs, came in. Didn’t you?”
I can hardly wait to see Hotel for Dogs 2. I hear Ted Baxter’s hilarious.
I almost slit my wrists during Monsters vs. Aliens. Clearly I *need* an iPhone.
That is just brilliant. I can’t stand sitting though kid movies. However, I did actually enjoy Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs.
If you ever need a babysitter or a movie chaperon, I’d be happy to help.
Farting ducks sounds hilarious.
You think YOU have problems?
Try kiddy-films dubbed into Hebrwe. They use more or less the same cast for all of them.
And, by the way, the Hebrew translation of Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs is “Raining Falaffels”.
Thank goodness my kid is bi-lingual.
Genius! I don’t have kids, but I did have the occasional “take my niece to the movies” outing. iPhones weren’t invented yet, so my response was to simply close my eyes and dream up another movie I’d rather be watching.
It’s wayyyyy geekier, but I knit at the kids’ movies… so I don’t totally hate going!
An iPhone would save my life, too. And I don’t even take my kids to the movies yet.
Brilliant idea. I am tortured by kiddie movies AND Hannah Montanna concerts. I am rapidly losing IQ points that I can ill afford to lose. And really, is there a plucky children’s movie heroine that can hold a candle to the balls-out sass of Sue Anne Niven? I think not!
I don’t have kids yet but I have seen how bad kids movies are getting. The spy guinea pigs seems to be the lowest of the low so far.
I still like Pixar but their worst movie for me was Cars which everyone seems to love. I don’t know why.
I’ll be your sext partner. Just sayin.
I didn’t know they had iPhones in Texas! Is there a “death penalty” app?
My hisband has his iPhone rigged so he can watch movies that are stored on the home server from anywhere in the world. Next time I have to chaperone the kids to a movie, I’m so stealing his phone.
My parents willingly took the girls to see Alvin and the Chipmunks. Talk about taking one for the team!
I’m a 21 year old man who gets to play proud third parent to my nine year old brother. I at least get the joy of yelling “Ooh, not it!” during the previews, if only so my brother knows those are the movies our parents can suffer through. It’s saved me from countless kiddy-flicks (or soul-killers as I call them) like “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” and “G Force” while still letting me enjoy gems like “Up”. Truly I am blessed.
By the way, I came across your blog a few days ago thanks to Cake Wrecks and I’m hooked. You almost made me spit many objects at my computer, and I thank you.
Brilliant Again Wendi !!!
I have to admit there are some lame movies out there. My husband is usually the 1 to go see them with our 8 year old son.
But……..I decided to go see 1 with them & glad I did, I thought it was GREAT !!!
Pixar’s UP in 3-D is a very cool movie !!!
On an adult movie note: Have ya seen THE HANGOVER yet ? That 1 is HILARIOUS !!!!!!!!
The funny thing about the Lou Grant comment is that Ed Asner provided the voice of the old man in Up
A couple of people have mentioned UP, and I have to admit, that was one of the best movies I saw last year. I loved it. And not just because Ed Asner did the voice. 🙂
HA! Sucks to be you with your disposable income for things like entertainment! I can add “I don’t have to sit through kids movies” as yet another positive for being dirt poor.
I get to answer the question: Mom can we go and see _______?
with
Do you want to eat the rest of the week?
So we get to wait until they’re on DVD, specifically in the cheapo bin, and can be played in the other room. Fortunately the time lag usually means that they’ve lost interest in the most mind numbing features.
I love this post… mostly for your creativity in finding a way to make yourself happy while sitting through something that makes the kidlets happy. And I love MTM and Lou Grant. Excellent choice!
As an auntie with no kids, I’m thrilled to take the youngins to the movies. This stuff is a treat for me. Remember to call on aunties!
@ marinka: last time i checked, new york also had the death penalty on the books.
or were you implying that having the death penalty in texas is redundant?
You are so right…someone tell Micky to grow a pair.
Maybe that would bring his voice down to a decibel not piercing to the human ear.
Brilliant!! I don’t know why I never thought of this before Beverly Hills Chihuahua. That was actually painful.
My stupid phone doesn’t play movies. Do you think a portable DVD player is too conspicuous?
We think alike! We both mentioned Daniel Craig being naked the same week. Great minds…
Just the title Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs makes me uncomfortable. My girls aren’t theater age yet. Thankfully.
Sadly, I don’t mind some of the kiddy movies! I like Space Chimps!
I must be weird! 😛
I have yet to take my kid to a movie. I’m thinking “movie age” for him might be when he’s old enough to drive himself there, especially if it means denying myself the pleasure of “J. Lo as the voice of a lonely toaster oven.”
L & S Viewing Recommendation: The Laverne and Shirley where Lenny and Squiggy take over Squiggy’s uncle’s diner (Dead Lazlo’s Place) has always ranked high on my list.
Ok, first–iPhone–genius.
Two: There’s a special place in Hell for the creator of Space Chimps.
Three: Maybe there’s something deeply wrong with me but Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs was actually hilarious. That’s right. I said it.
But trust me, I will be loading up the iPhone during the next Dreck-Fest.
Would I lose face with you if I said I actually like Shrek? It’s the fart jokes in the movie that do it for me. Also, I’m actually a 12 year boy posing as a 35 year old woman. I’ve fooled everyone.
I thought I was the only one who used Twizzlers for flogging!! This is an awesome idea! Let’s quit our day jobs (ha!) and market “Mommie Movies!” a downloadable service that finds movies that are the approximate length of the crap your kids are seeing…me loves it!!!
I think I would just be happy enough for the exucuse to by a giant box of milk duds. But the iphone this is genius.
I am troubled by how long it took me to even *think* of an orifice that starts with T.
Once again, I am reminded of how unfair life can be. Why didn’t they have iPhones when my boys were deranged enough to want to see these movies?
For the record, watching any movie with brief nudity or sexual connotations is extremely awkward when my bos are sitting next to me. I suggest looking straight ahead and DO NOT glance to the left. Or to the right depending on what side they are sitting by you.
All your film classes made you way too cynical for kids movies! I bet you laughed when Marley died!
I cried during Ponyo.
Do you listen on ear phones?
Your husband is obviously brilliant.
What a fantastic idea! Now you can keep your sanity and keep the kids happy. By the way, I went to MyPheme and they took one of my articles for their site. Hope they take off.
Excellent solution! And any blog that features a photo of Lou Grant goes to the top of my list!
Don’t like Lou Grant… reminds me of me.
Take the kids to a really gory, scary horror movie the first time. They’ll never want to go again.
I have a Blackberry. Your husband have any suggestions how I can make that work for me?
I actually enjoy a lot of kids movies. Not all of them of course, but I really look forward to our family movie days. If the movie blows, Milo and Otis, Then I just take a nap.
I have spent all day trying to think of an orifice that starts with a ‘T’. Maybe I should just use my iPhone to look it up.
PURE GENIUS!!!
Seriously, if I have to watch Space Chimps one more time I’m going to have a kaniption fit.
OMG…I feel totally the same way since I found the “80’s Cheese” station on Pandora (free internet radio on my Blackberry) No more Wonder Pets, or Backyardigans…It’s all Clash and The Jam…Yay Smart Phones!
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Yet ANOTHER reason why I need an iPhone.
wait? what?
i’m supposed to WATCH THE MOVIE with the kids?
fuck.
Sounds hilarious! Me, all we have is Calliou, Dinasaur Train, Berenstain Bears and the likes on TV. Hubby will get yelled at when he changes to baseball… But it’s all good!
Nice thoughts here… 🙂
Good idea!! I’ll have to bring our net-book with us and watch from the home server. Ya know, once she cares about such things. Till then…she gets no say…thank goodness!!
There are some kids movies I will gladly go see with my nephew. And then others where I stay at home and laugh hysterically at my sister for having to go see them.
That Ted Baxter. What a card.
I can endure kids’ movies, specially when there’s a sub-text in the script that has adult-level wisecracks in it, however I cannot, cannot, cannot, cannot endure kids’ shows, cartoons, whatevahhhh… on channels like Nickelodeon, Disney or CartoonNetwork.
I caught my first-ever glimpse of Dora-The-Exploder, er, Explorer, this morning when my daughter was channel-surfing. I am still considering an EEG just to check for neurological damage…..!!!
The WORST movie I’ve ever seen in my life was Dana Carvey’s immortal “Master of Disguise.” I’m still scarred. Shuddering as I write. I did manage to sleep through “Pokemon 2: Pikachu Explodes” however.