How to Get Cheap Thrills This Halloween
October 26th, 2009
Halloween is almost here, and if you’re anything like me, you just love decorating your house for this spooktacular holiday. Witches, goblins, ghosts—everyone’s invited to our bootiful home! (Yes, I realize I just used the words “spooktacular” and “bootiful,” but that’s only because I just inhaled 50 fun-sized candy bars and now my brain feels like it’s on a frickin’ merry-go-round. Whoo! Everything’s spinning!)
But while decorating for Halloween is truly one of life’s joys, sadly, this year is a little bit different because our country’s in a no-fun recession. Boo! Recession! Yes, in these tough economic times, it’s unfortunately not as easy to justify spending $500.00 on faux pumpkins and inflatable zombie rock bands. At least that’s what my husband said when he tackled me to the ground at the craft store and pried the Visa card out of my hand with a rather sharp scrapbooking tool. Meany.
So with no money, what’s a ghoul to do?
Well, have no fear because today I’m going to tell you how to achieve big thrills for little cash. Simply follow the tips below, and in no time flat, your house will have that “natural Halloween look” that’ll be the envy of your neighborhood. People will be talking about your house for weeks!
Tip #1: Stop cleaning immediately.
This one should be obvious. After all, nothing says “haunted crackhouse” more than a week’s worth of crumbs and cat hair all over your floor. (If you have an incontinent baby or elderly parent, even better!) So put away the vacuum, put up your feet, and let the organic cobwebs and your miserable, filthy squalor do the spooky decorating for you!
Tip #2: Stop grooming immediately.
For my money, there’s nothing more frightening than a 40-year-old woman’s face at 6 a.m. in the morning. (Of course I’m just basing that on personal experience.) But just imagine the fear on the little trick-or-treaters’ faces when the lady of the house flings open the front door and they get an eyeful of her dark roots, unshaven legs and disgusting five o’clock shadow. Those kids won’t sleep for days!
Tip #3: Hire some prostitutes.
Why waste money on decorative witches and skeletons when you can just click on Craigslist and invite a couple of scary-ass meth whores to loiter in your front yard instead? Not only will Trixxie and She-manda give your neighbors a fright with their hollow eyes and realistic needle marks, but you’re also entitled to 40% of the profits they make “trick-or-treating” with the weird, lonely dads in the crowd. Now that’s what I call a win/win!
Tip #4: Bury dead people in your front yard.
Isn’t it kind of ridiculous to spend tons of money on fake, decorative headstones when you could actually be earning money by turning your lawn into a real cemetery? Oh, sure, burying human remains in your front yard might violate multiple state and federal laws, but so what? Just think of how thrilling it’ll be for the neighborhood kids when they fall into a freshly made grave or two. That’s a priceless Halloween memory their parents’ lawyers will never let you forget!
Tip #5: Tell everyone what your house is worth.
Hang two pieces of cardboard on your front door. On one piece, write down how much you paid for your house when you bought it. On the other, write down the amount of your house’s current market value. I know, yikes! You’ll never be able to move now, and that’s horrifying for both you AND your neighbors! (Note: You may actually want to keep an oxygen tank nearby when you do this.) (And a lit match.)
Well, that’s it for this year. I hope my professional tips help you have the spookiest, cheapest Halloween ever! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to go inhale a few more fun-sized candy bars because it looks like my sugar buzz is about to wear off.
And believe me, that could get a little scary.
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43 Comments
Add your own1. Lisa Rae @ smacksy | October 26th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Target sells masks of my 45 year-old 6am face.
Trick or treat.
2. hokgardner | October 26th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
I think I’m just going to dig some empty graves in the front yard and save them for obnoxious high school kids who show up a
t 10 and demand candy. I’ll knock them on the head and push them in. They can emerge later like zombies, which are so hip and cool these days
3. Bridey | October 26th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Well, I AM a witch, and so I’ll just sit on the porch, stirring the gunk in the cauldron, gazing into my scrying ball and chuckling in a ghastly way.
How will I dress? Like any self-respecting, 50+ witch. Talbot’s pumpkin orange twinset; black ponte slacks (comfort!), and my really good loafers. However, no makeup. That should do it.
As for teenagers, I just stare them down, and, channeling my mother, The Gorgon, inform them that they are far too old for this nonsense and that it is time to sign up for that Urban Terrorism class.
4. Candy | October 26th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
But how will my neighbors be able to tell Halloween from any plain old day at my house?
5. Chelsie | October 26th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
Glad to see you aren’t letting the economy keep you from having the scariest house on the block. I’ll be following the cleaning tip and telling my husband it’s for halloween…we will see how that goes over.
6. Heather, Queen of Shake Shake | October 26th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Wow, I didn’t know Craigslist is where prostitutes advertise for work. I know someone looking for a job…
7. Sarah M | October 26th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Cracking up as usual…the scariest of all is #5. In fact so scary my hair turned white…now I don’t have to buy a wig…actually maybe I will beg at my door instead. Every time someone comes up for candy…I will beg for money to pay my mortgage. Seriously the crap they sell in the stores as costumes for $50 no flippin’ way.
8. Marinka | October 26th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
According to numbers 1 and 2, I have been prepared for Halloween year round. Yay, me!
9. Junk Drawer Kathy | October 26th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
I just scared everyone in my local grocery store. I have a bad cold, haven’t showered for two days and am still wearing what I put on Saturday. I went to the store in that condition to get donuts. But I thought if I didn’t look at other customers, they couldn’t see me. How well do you think that worked?
Happy Halloween to you and your ghouls!
10. Shelly | October 26th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
I LOVE this!!! I hope you don’t mind, but I’m linking to it.
11. miss. chief | October 26th, 2009 at 6:38 pm
I’m ready for Halloween. You should see the cobwebs we’ve cultivated!
12. DG at Diaryofamadbathroom | October 26th, 2009 at 6:48 pm
I should “stop” doing 1 and 2? Geez, I had picked October as my time to START doing those things.
Have a great Halloween!
13. Lulu and Moxley's Mom | October 26th, 2009 at 7:23 pm
Dear God I needed this. It’s October 26 and I have no idea what my 2-year-old twins will wear for Halloween. People keep asking like this is the greatest concern of my life. THEY ARE TWO YEARS OLD. They don’t like things on their head plus they will never remember.
14. lancelonie | October 26th, 2009 at 8:32 pm
Hahaha! I knew I have to read it entirely! You’re so hilarious!!!
I started cracking when you wrote about that 40-yr old at 6am. Hubby was like, what’s that? Funny!!!
15. jessica | October 26th, 2009 at 8:38 pm
the one about writing down the value of mine home, scares me the most
16. Sophie | October 26th, 2009 at 11:59 pm
Wendi, you truely are a craft goddess. And a financial wizard. You need your own TV show.
Just comb your hair first.
17. Invader_Stu | October 27th, 2009 at 3:47 am
You could also hold a seance and piss off a few ghosts by calling them ‘bed sheet pasnise’ to get that real authentic haunted house feel.
18. Kendra | October 27th, 2009 at 5:02 am
Yes, I just woke up and am wearing what can kind of pass for pajamas, in that I slept in them. Answer the door looking like this, and those kids will have one memorable Halloween!
19. Akilah Sakai | October 27th, 2009 at 6:35 am
You are my savior! I can’t spend much this year either and surely you’ll bail me out for taking your holiday advice.
20. Shelly | October 27th, 2009 at 6:55 am
This is brilliant!
21. karen from mentor | October 27th, 2009 at 7:54 am
I came cause Shelly linked to it.
I came, I read, I lmao, now I’m going to go hang the sign outside with the oxygen handy.
oh man………..
22. ann | October 27th, 2009 at 8:14 am
AND you’re providing a service, because many people can no longer afford to bury their loved ones.
Thoughtful, moving piece.
p.s. I just subscribed and now you teaser-ed your posts. Why the partial feed?
23. Laura | October 27th, 2009 at 11:43 am
If I didn’t vacuum my kitchen floor for one day, there would be enough to feed a small country. Frightening…
24. Ashley, the Accidental Olympian | October 27th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Great ideas! Also, right next to my home value I think I’ll print up my boyfriend and my credit card debt, as well as a really large print out of my hourly earnings. It will give the neighbors nightmares for WEEKS!
25. JD at I Do Things | October 27th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Isn’t there an urban legend about actual dead people being mistaken for Halloween decorations? So was that your house?
26. Becky | October 27th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
You curtailed your snarfing at 50 fun size candies? I am jealous of your ability to show such restraint.
27. Andrea | October 27th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
Oh thank you for the suggestions. Think they would work on an apartment as well as a house? Because I am a graduate student in pharmacy school, I don’t have the tools to creat tip #5…but since I pay out-of-state tuition for pharmacy school, I figured I would write down the amount of money I spend each year on tuition on one piece of cardboard. Better yet, write down the grad total that I will owe the government when I am done with this stupid professional choice of mine. Oh and as for tearing into the bags of fun-size candy bars, my roommate and I do that all year long….
28. Jan | October 28th, 2009 at 4:11 am
I’ve got #6:
Have two poster-sized photographs created and mounted on foam-core: one of you in a bathing suit at 16 and one of you in a bathing suit now. Put one on one side of your door, and the other on the other side. Between them, on the door, post this message:
Children as you pass me by
As you are now so once was I
As I am now so shall you be
Prepare for middle-age and follow me.
Believe me…nothing is more horrifying to teenagers than the knowledge that those tight, cute little bodies are destined for the scrap heap of life. But unfortunately, they don’t believe it will ever happen to them, so it may not have as much effect as you might wish it would.
29. LisaCat | October 28th, 2009 at 8:09 am
I’m dying of laughter here!!!!! LOVE. IT. With me tho, it’s gray roots showing….. And #5 would scare me too much to be able to do it. For those who rent, you could just substitute the value of your 401k…….
30. Sara Inkymom | October 28th, 2009 at 8:20 am
OMG, this is leaving me almost PIMP….which goes well with the rest of the decorations I already had done…..no more showering or cleaning here. I mean, come on, I love the fact I don’t have to clean anymore!!!
31. Janine | October 28th, 2009 at 9:26 am
Stellar advice, as I’ve come to expect from you Wendi. Call me a traditionalist, though…I think I’m going to stick with my usual crack-whores again this year. I think I’ve made it clear how I feel about meth.
32. peajaye | October 28th, 2009 at 10:17 am
the problem w/your blog is that you leave us nothing clever to say with our comments. i mean, how are we gonna top your list? “hey, maybe #4 should be to bury LIVE people in your front yard”? ya see? it’s just superfluous. i mean, some people here make excellent attempts, but it’s like trying to onstage after chris rock or jerry seinfeld. unless you’re bill cosby, it’s just useless.
33. the mama bird diaries | October 28th, 2009 at 11:44 am
I really wasted a lot of money on halloween decorations.
34. Stillie | October 28th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Lucky for me, my lack of housekeeping skills got me on the fast track to Halloween decorating months ago! Super-scary. In addition, my recent disinterest in the hobby of gardening has contributed to the Halloween curb-appeal of my house.
35. Jen | October 29th, 2009 at 3:49 am
I like the last one the best. I am 40. I hope I don’t look too scary first thing in the morning. I just wrote a post about how frightening Michaels craft store is. Spending ridiculous amounts of money on crap is a scary thing.
36. traci | October 29th, 2009 at 6:25 am
On the East coast everyone participates in a Mischief Night. We’ve got signs to hang on houses saying ‘THIS CEO MADE A 300K BONUS LAST YEAR!’
BWhahahaa.
37. Troutie | October 29th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
I do #1 and #2 nearly all the time. Going away to do #3 right now.
Thanks for the sound advice.
38. DeeDee from SA | October 29th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
Luving your spooktacular halloween spirit and cheapness, too, Wendi!
39. Hannah | October 30th, 2009 at 5:42 am
“After all, nothing says “haunted crackhouse” more than a week’s worth of crumbs and cat hair all over your floor”
Well if that’s the case then my house is “decorated” for Halloween far more often than it should be!
40. Lottie Lou | November 2nd, 2009 at 8:14 am
This one’s a gem.
41. Nap Warden | November 2nd, 2009 at 10:33 am
I want a zombie rock band…
42. Lifes Crazy Joke | November 2nd, 2009 at 7:36 pm
Wendi,
You are so smart! I love the last one! That would be scary at my house.
I answer your question tonight about support hose on my blog. Hop on over there and check it out.
http://www.lifescrazyjoke.com
43. Charlie | November 16th, 2009 at 2:31 am
This is absolutely hilarious!!!!
Brilliant!
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