Recently, a mommy blogger came under fire because her story about her mistreatment by the TSA turned out to be not exactly true. This incident has since spurred a very vigorous dialogue about whether or not we should believe everything that’s written on blogs by people whom we have never actually met in person.
Therefore, today I’d like to take the opportunity to reassure you all that everything I write on this blog—oops, hold on, I just need to take this call real quick because I think it might be Oprah and Gayle asking me to poker night—-is 100% true. Everything.
In fact, I couldn’t even—-sorry, but Beyonce’s emailing me again about my secret potato salad recipe—-make things up out of thin air if I tried! I just don’t have that wild of an imagination.
So that’s why I’m sitting here today in Martha Stewart’s guest house setting the record straight. I want you all to know that you can trust me. I want you all to know—-wait a sec, I just need to tell the CNN trucks where to set up so they can film my cat Freebird being launched into orbit in our homemade space shuttle—-that I will never, ever lie to you. Never!
In fact, as my lunch companions Deepak Chopra and Howie Mandel just reminded me, I don’t need to make things up when I have so many exciting things happen to me on a daily basis. Things like wrinkles! And flat tires! And PMS! Who the hell even needs fiction when you have material like that to draw upon? Not me, baby!
Well, I thank you for your time. I’ve enjoyed our little chat, but it looks like I need to head off to my nuclear disarmament meeting at U.N. right now. (The delegate from Tunisia gets testy if I’m late.) But before I go I just want you all to know that I’ll always be completely honest with you; you can feel secure when you read this blog. You can believe in me and trust me.
That is, until someone posts a video proving that I didn’t really make-out with the Jonas Brothers last week. Then you’ll know I just made that shit up.