Halloween is almost here, and if you’re anything like me, you just love decorating your house for this spooktacular holiday. Witches, goblins, ghosts—everyone’s invited to our bootiful home! (Yes, I realize I just used the words “spooktacular” and “bootiful,” but that’s only because I just inhaled 50 fun-sized candy bars and now my brain feels like it’s on a frickin’ merry-go-round. Whoo! Everything’s spinning!)

But while decorating for Halloween is truly one of life’s joys, sadly, this year is a little bit different because our country’s in a no-fun recession. Boo! Recession! Yes, in these tough economic times, it’s unfortunately not as easy to justify spending $500.00 on faux pumpkins and inflatable zombie rock bands. At least that’s what my husband said when he tackled me to the ground at the craft store and pried the Visa card out of my hand with a rather sharp scrapbooking tool. Meany.

So with no money, what’s a ghoul to do?

Well, have no fear because today I’m going to tell you how to achieve big thrills for little cash. Simply follow the tips below, and in no time flat, your house will have that “natural Halloween look” that’ll be the envy of your neighborhood. People will be talking about your house for weeks!

Tip #1: Stop cleaning immediately.

This one should be obvious. After all, nothing says “haunted crackhouse” more than a week’s worth of crumbs and cat hair all over your floor. (If you have an incontinent baby or elderly parent, even better!) So put away the vacuum, put up your feet, and let the organic cobwebs and your miserable, filthy squalor do the spooky decorating for you!

Tip #2: Stop grooming immediately.

For my money, there’s nothing more frightening than a 40-year-old woman’s face at 6 a.m. in the morning. (Of course I’m just basing that on personal experience.) But just imagine the fear on the little trick-or-treaters’ faces when the lady of the house flings open the front door and they get an eyeful of her dark roots, unshaven legs and disgusting five o’clock shadow. Those kids won’t sleep for days!

Tip #3: Hire some prostitutes.

Why waste money on decorative witches and skeletons when you can just click on Craigslist and invite a couple of scary-ass meth whores to loiter in your front yard instead? Not only will Trixxie and She-manda give your neighbors a fright with their hollow eyes and realistic needle marks, but you’re also entitled to 40% of the profits they make “trick-or-treating” with the weird, lonely dads in the crowd. Now that’s what I call a win/win!

Tip #4: Bury dead people in your front yard.

Isn’t it kind of ridiculous to spend tons of money on fake, decorative headstones when you could actually be earning money by turning your lawn into a real cemetery? Oh, sure, burying human remains in your front yard might violate multiple state and federal laws, but so what? Just think of how thrilling it’ll be for the neighborhood kids when they fall into a freshly made grave or two. That’s a priceless Halloween memory their parents’ lawyers will never let you forget!

Tip #5: Tell everyone what your house is worth.

Hang two pieces of cardboard on your front door. On one piece, write down how much you paid for your house when you bought it. On the other, write down the amount of your house’s current market value. I know, yikes! You’ll never be able to move now, and that’s horrifying for both you AND your neighbors! (Note: You may actually want to keep an oxygen tank nearby when you do this.) (And a lit match.)

Well, that’s it for this year. I hope my professional tips help you have the spookiest, cheapest Halloween ever! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to go inhale a few more fun-sized candy bars because it looks like my sugar buzz is about to wear off.

And believe me, that could get a little scary.