What I Will Not Be Writing About Today
September 29th, 2009
1. The weather.
2. The economy.
3. The dumbasses at US Weekly who devoted an entire cover story to Jessica Simpson’s dog Daisy after she was tragically eaten by a coyote.
4. The fact that I read every single word of the Jessica Simpson tragic dog story and then teared-up like an unbalanced pre-teen at bible camp.
5. The fact that when my husband later teased me about crying about Jessica Simpson’s dog, I kicked him in the shin and yelled, “I’m not crying about her dog! I’m crying about orphans and mudslides and political oppression in the Congo! But…oh, God, why did Daisy have to go?! Whyyyyy? She was so young and fluffy! She had a cute little tail! She was loved by Nick Lachey! For the love of God, she never even got to breed!”
6. Politics.
7. Religion.
8. The young adult novel I’m writing about two teenage vampires named Ella and Tedward.
9. Diet.
10. Exercise.
11. My ongoing feud with the brown-haired checkout girl at Costco.
12. My ongoing feud with the yellow-haired checkout girl at Costco.
13. My ongoing fear that I will one day be killed by a forklift at Costco.
14. Lawncare.
15. Home maintenance.
16. How I can never figure out which dancers are the “stars” whenever I watch Dancing With the Stars.
17. How if my husband refers to that show as “So-Called Dancing With the So-Called Stars” one more time, I will kick him in his other shin.
18. Rainbows.
19. Moonbeams.
20. My overwhelming suspicion that I don’t get out of the house enough.
_____________________________________________
There are a couple of great new humor websites highlighting women writers that have recently come to my attention. The first is the very entertaining Mypheme. The second is the wonderful PR Graffiti. Be sure to take a look!
Also, we’re giving away a really, really nice diaper bag at Mouthy Housewives this week. Almost makes me want to have another baby. Almost.
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized
37 Comments
Add your own1. Amanda | September 29th, 2009 at 10:48 am
Re: #16? Thank you for validating me! Leading to re: #17, he might have a point, you know…
~Amanda
2. Junk Drawer Kathy | September 29th, 2009 at 11:06 am
I refuse to read about the dog thing. Can’t go there. It’s bad enough my paper picked up on a story about a guy who duct-taped a cat (all except for its head, I guess the guy had mercy). Said paper PUT A PICTURE OF THE DUCT-TAPED CAT at the top of the story. Why? Why torture people? (Epilogue: Cat survived, but had to get the tape cut off under anesthesia).
Oh, #16. Totally with you on that.
3. feefifoto | September 29th, 2009 at 11:29 am
I’m so glad you have the strength to resist the urge to write about Daisy.
What?
Never mind.
4. Akilah Sakai | September 29th, 2009 at 11:47 am
No worries of you can’t figure out who’s the star and who’s the pro-dancer. In this case, it doesn’t really matter ‘cos they’re all on the same level anyway.
5. Maria Butts | September 29th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
I was really torn about Daisy too, so it’s okay to cry about it. I would have liked to borrow your US Weekly if you hadn’t have ripped it up!!
6. K | September 29th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
So glad to know I’m not the only one who had feuds with checkout people.
7. Amy | September 29th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
You are not alone. I’m horrified by the number of times per day I bring up Jessica Simpson in conversation.
8. hokgardner | September 29th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
I think you may have a serious costco problem. You should probably get help.
9. anonymous | September 29th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
you don’t KNOW that a coyote actually ate our poor lil daisy. sure, some snarling beast snapped that precious poodle into its jarring jaws and ran away with it, but that doesn’t mean it actually ATE the tiny ol’ thing. and i think it was very brave and hopeful of j.s. to send out a tweet to have everyone look for the lost pooch. i thought by now they woulda found it alive and well and living in the lap of doggie luxury in the coyote’s den. but just because they haven’t YET, doesn’t mean that there’s no HOPE. you’re just a hope-killer, wendi aarons, you no-hoper, you. and maybe, just maybe, if you weren’t so cynical, you would find it easier to get along with those checkout girls and your man to boot. an’ now ya’ll have me all upset…
10. Lisa | September 29th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z8zNsUTWsOc
11. madmad | September 29th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
I wanna hear about the Costco chicks. Bet they’re related to my BJs bitches.
12. Red | September 29th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
Thank you for not writing about any of those things
13. Lisa Rae @ smacksy | September 29th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Thank you. Rainbows give me a migraine.
14. DG at Diaryofamadbathroom | September 29th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
It’s as important to know what not to write about as it is to know what to write about. I wish I knew this before that unfortunate boil and chin hair post.
15. Jen | September 29th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
As always, great post. I saw that magazine as I was checking out of the market this afternoon and wondered, does anyone really care if Jessica’s dog got eaten and the fact that now poor Jess can’t lose any weight? I now have my answer.
16. Beth | September 29th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
Jessica Simpson has a dog?!
Oh. Jessica Simpson HAD a dog?!
I would have thought her to be too confused to care for one. You should write about that.
17. the mama bird diaries | September 29th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
This one is my favorite.. “How I can never figure out which dancers are the “stars” whenever I watch Dancing With the Stars.”
I’m with you sista.
18. DM | September 29th, 2009 at 7:51 pm
I feel bad about her dog but can’t read about it because it would make me cry.
I really want to hear about the Costco people now.
The only “star” I am watching is the Chairman. He is hot.
19. Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings | September 29th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
But I want to hear more about all of these! Don’t deprive us.
OK. Not really about moonbeams…but I bet you could make even that worth reading.
Oh crap. I’m kissing butt again. Sorry. But I had to. It’s true!
20. Kirsten | September 29th, 2009 at 11:02 pm
I want to hear about the Costco girls. I can do without the weather, economy, politics and religion.
21. Mwa | September 30th, 2009 at 12:46 am
I want to hear more about the Costco girls, too! Sounds like a stressful situation. We should start an international health and safety in the supermarket for mothers lobbying group. We may need a snazzier name.
22. Sophie | September 30th, 2009 at 5:52 am
WHO is Jessica Simpson? Is she half as important as Bar Refaeli?
#20- me too!
23. Gretchen | September 30th, 2009 at 8:21 am
It’s always good to set boundaries. However, I never get tired of a good moonbeams blog.
24. Elisa | September 30th, 2009 at 8:27 am
What? Why would you get out of the house? What’s so interesting out there? Unless there are dancers and stars performing in your front yard, that is.
25. Hannah | September 30th, 2009 at 9:55 am
Personally I got sick of Jessica Simpson, the second I heard one of her songs (duh!) and when people wouldn’t shut the hell up about that concert of hers where she showed up with some extra pounds on her frame!
Yes, her weight fluctuates. She is human. Cripes!
26. miss. chief | September 30th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
hahaha Tedward
27. misguidedmommy | September 30th, 2009 at 10:15 pm
okay first of all i tried to figure out the diaper bag giveaway and i’m pretty sure i totally failed at entering. second, i so can’t handle the jessica simpson thing either i mean, okay whatever she is a ditz but watching your dog being taken away in a coyotes mouth, i can’t imagine that would be fun for anyone
btw i’m doing a pay it forward contest on my blog i think the prize is pretty rad, if you don’t thats cool, but might be worth a look see
28. Two Wishes | September 30th, 2009 at 10:58 pm
Those Costco feuds can get SERIOUS!
Last time I was there, I was in line behind a kid straight out of The Wire central casting, who peeled off his payment from a one-inch stack of $20 bills. He and his crew were just stocking up on food. But on the way home, my husband and I made up a big tale of 2 different crews running into each other in line and having to negotiate a division of turf. “We don’t want to see you anywhere near the Arlington Costco ever again. But the near Maryland suburbs are yours and yours alone.”
29. Shauna | October 1st, 2009 at 4:02 am
#8? Made me laugh out loud. Like until my stomach muscles ached. I think that counts as exercise. Ab work–check.
30. Invader_Stu | October 1st, 2009 at 6:37 am
Aaawww…. so there is nothing to read then
31. Lulu and Moxley's Mom | October 2nd, 2009 at 10:16 am
How did the Jessica Simpson dog story make the cover? Was celebrity news that slow? I mean, didn’t someone go into rehab or break up or cheat on their spouse or something? Didn’t someone dump Jennifer Aniston this week? Sheesh.
32. Claudia | October 2nd, 2009 at 2:55 pm
ooh, ella and tedward? now THAT sounds juicy. i have to give my husband credit. i made him go to the store and rent twilight for me because he had a work outing the other night. i don’t know about you, but i thought…disappointing! mostly b/c kristen stewart is just a pointy face beady eyed twerp to me.
33. Anna Lefler | October 3rd, 2009 at 8:14 am
Aw, man.
That’s all the stuff *I* was going to not write about.
Crap.
;-D A.
34. christy | October 5th, 2009 at 7:18 am
I avoid like half of the check out people at my local grocery store…they’re either too chatty, too mean or too slow for my taste. HA!
35. Jen | October 5th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
#16.
YES.
36. Love | October 5th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Oh God. I am so glad there is someone else on the planet that can hate the US Weekly editors for their lame-ass covers and stories, but still totally read them and think about them and get emotional about them. I hate US Weekly! But I will never give up my subscription. Never!
37. Chris | October 11th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
You’re funny! You’re also Neil’s “Blog Crush of the Day” over at Citizen of the Month. I KNOW I don’t get out of the house enough, and I hate G-rated movies too [your subsequent post].
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