Last week, I got a letter from a weight loss company. I don’t want to say who it was, exactly, so let’s just call them “Schweight Schwatchers.” The letter talked about taking care of your health or something ridiculous like that, and also had a picture of a big, fuzzy orange monster with the headline, “We Want You Back!”
Well, okay, I thought while I shoved a cream cheese covered bagel into my mouth with one hand and held the letter in the other. But was I ever there?
Then a few minutes later, as I was washing down my morning chocolate with a gallon jug of half and half, I remembered; yes, in fact, I did join Schweight Schwatchers once! It was two or three years ago, and I signed up for a free one-week trial. Only, if memory serves, the trial didn’t go so well because I blew all of my allotted “points” for the entire week by inhaling a box of Krispy Kremes and a pitcher of margaritas on the first day. (Although, in fairness, I actually did lose weight that week because I had a raging stomach ache for the next six days and could only eat peanut butter and watermelon slices.) (Which I think actually might be the South Beach Diet.)
At lunchtime, I stared at the letter on my way through the McDonald’s drive-thru and thought, why is Schweight Schwatchers after me now? Is it because during my recent vacation to Hawaii, I only ate pork with a side of pork? Or because whenever we drive past my gym my husband says, “There’s where we donate $30 of our life savings every month”? Or maybe it’s because last week I almost had to call the fire department and have them bring over the Jaws of Life to get me out of my jeans. Who knows? It could be anything.
But at dinner, I put my piece of pepperoni deep-dish pan pizza down so I could obsessively re-read the recruitment letter again, and wondered — how exactly did Schweight Schwatchers know that I need to come back? Do they have illegal video of me ordering the Fatass Enchilada Plate at Rosie’s Tamale House? Have they been secretly monitoring my grocery purchases? Or was this some kind of Cellulite Intervention? Did someone, gasp!, turn me in? Was it my loser neighbor Gary? I knew he was up to something when he said, “Nice cankles, dumbass” at the mailbox the other day. Stupid Gary.
I looked at the letter a few more times while I was enjoying my before-bedtime snack of Pinot Grigio and Fettuccine Alfredo, and finally decided that I probably do need to make a few changes to my diet. I mean, I guess it’s a good idea to take better care of my “health” and my “lifespan” so I can “live longer.” Of course, that doesn’t mean I’m going back to Schweight Schwatchers, even though I do appreciate their oh-so-flattering suggestion to rejoin.
After all, it’s always nice to feel wanted.
I joined Schweight Schwatchers once too. I lost weight, mostly because of the traumatizing public weigh in where in the dead of winter women would strip down to gauzy tank tops and “dress” shorts, removing bracelets, earrings, hair clips after spending the day shaving and plucking every excess hair that might tip the scales out of their (my)favor. But now I’m right back where I started. I haven’t been re-recruited though. Yet.
This post was hysterical! I was recently contacted by a new weight loss co that wants me try their product…they claim i can still eat what ever I want if i sprinkle this tastee stuff on everything…we will see how it goes
Good times, Wendi. Good times.
I keep chocolate in my nightstand drawer. Is that bad?
I’m hoping you didn’t eat the peanut butter and watermelon together.
Will you trade your Shweight Shwatchers letter for my AARP flier?
Great, it’s bad enough that with every mouse click I’m being told I’m too fat, now I have to worry about weight loss companies deforesting small countries in order to remind me to put down the eclair. I don’t diet, and don’t worry about it I’ve been the same size since I was about 15 so this must be as good as it’s gonna get and I’m OK with that.(sigh Hope I said that with enough conviction to convince at least one person))
I also want to add that if no one in the entire world is a size 12-14 then why can’t I ever find a pair of jeans in my size on the rack when I go shopping.
I’m SO with you! The last time I dieted was FOREVER ago! I was taking some meds to help, but apparently they didn’t agree with me because after a year of taking them (and going from 250 to 195) they started messing with my head…in a bad way. I am now dizzy free and still hovering between 185 and 200. My doc said I could eat anything I want as long as it was in moderation…by that does she mean eating a LARGE Thin Mint Blizzard twice a day is overindulging?
Now I want a Fatass Enchilada Plate. Man that sounds good.
If those cult monsters came my way I’d tell them what I tell my therapist: If Coca-Cola and chocolate keep me from murdering my children, I will gladly stay a lard-o for the rest of my natural life, thank you.
I’m sure it’s a compliment. It’s probably like a sorority, not everyone gets in.
Have you ever tried “Curves?” Some chicks seem to dig it.
Seems really low impact though.
I briefly thought about weightloss… as I gobbled down 4 brownies last night.
Girl, I feel ya (not in a weird, gropy way, in a solidarity way). Why does food taste so good? And who says Shmeight Smatchers is always right? They aren’t exactly the US brain trust, you know.
First off, that orange fattie monster is a total rip off of Gossamer the “very interesting” monster that a somewhat flaming Bugs Bunny gave a mani-pedi to in the Loony Tunes cartoon series. Don’t believe me? Go here – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Gossamer_restored.jpg
Why should we take advice from a company that does not have enough creativity and thought to invent a new fat-ass monster of their own. Their ideas are clearly not that good, but Baby Back Ribs with a side of Caramel Apples are effing genius!
I went there once and for more than just a week. I hate all that counting. It just reminds me I’m an idiot at math and I already have enough problems.
My gym do that, too, if you haven’t been there in a while. Even if you told them it was because you were hugely fat and pregnant.
I have lost some weight in the last couple of weeks (a whole POUND), and it’s all because I stopped drinking alcohol. Not sure if I can keep up that diet. In fact, I’m pretty sure I can’t.
Wendi this was hysterical. I got the same letter, but I immediately binned it. I love your late night snack – alfredo! haha! YUM!
I laughed and laughed. (but it seems I do this each time I read your blog, which is why I read. Thank you!)
Schweight Schwatchers seem to know when you are eating from the non-list……I now have enough of their books to run the program from home…..interested in joining? It might need a commute each week to Melbourne, Australia? Won’t charge you though……
I tried them once as well. The problem was that I used all my points just on my coffee every day. I did lose weight, but eventually the “all coffee diet plan” petered out as I was a tad bit jittery. And hungry. And when I tried cutting back on the coffee in order to eat actual food I got cranky. So I went from being fat & pleasant to moderately slim and cranky. Think I’ll stick with the pleasant version.
hahaha the jaws of life for your jeans…i think we’ve all been there
Talk about fat, why did your site give me the test word faterver when I subscribed? Subliminal? I think not.
HAHAHA I joined the Cult of Jenny…and I think it’s undoing all my “green” baby choices by eating ALL prepackaged meals. Hmrph!
Dude, you drink Pinot Grigio too?
I think we’re soul sisters.
Except I don’t waste my calories on Krispy Kreme donuts. I go straight for the chips and queso. And chocolate cake. And cheeseburgers.
It’s a little known fact that Schweight Schwatchers is actually big brother
I actually decided the other week that “the time had come.” You know, there’s this wedding coming up, and I can handle having a fat ass AT a wedding, but I don’t want to have a fat ass IN a wedding, so I thought maybe this was the push I needed. Then I saw the price of membership. This is why this stuff works! Same with Alli! You shell out $100 for a supplement, you bet you’re going to lose weight, even if it means you don’t eat anything but baby carrots until you turn bright orange.
So in the end, I guess I must be okay with having a fat ass in a wedding, because the price of membership (plus the overall tastiness of fried food) beat me.
This is fabulous! I’ve thought about something like this, but the two weeks I decide to eat like hell–including a box of Krispy Kreme from Randall’s–I lost weight. When I eat well, I gain. What is that? So, yeah, no incentive there!
Cellulite Intervention. Could be the next big thing. You know what could help with the cellulite problem? Wearing thongs. True, read that advice off of Scientific American. Cellulite forms because of the collagen in your skin weakening and your fat cells swelling from blocked circulation. Weak skin + swelling fat cells = cellulite. So wear loose underwear and/or thongs.
how I feel wanted?
when “girl, you needed another?” comes out of the mouth of the bartender.
yes! and some fries too, I add.
I’m doing Schweight Swtach….crap. How did you write that again? Well…anyhooo….I am doing it now online. SO people can’t make those faces at me when my weigh in is horrid!
I did the SS thing for awhile and it was okay. I lost weight for awhile. But then I would start using my points on Blue Bunny Root Beer Float bars (only 2 points each! You can eat an entire box for only 12 points (not that I’ve ever done that)).
I did lose 7 pounds last week but that was from traipsing around South Dakota and hitting every touristy spot I could find (including the Corn Palace which I loved). It’s too bad exercise doesn’t come with cheesy souvenirs and post cards!
Congrats on making the http://www.Snopes.com new rumor list with your open letter to Always Maxipads!! You now have a legendary status as a rumor!! I’m so jealous!!
Do you want to lose two sizes in two months? Call me!
Is Maria Butts for real?
I’m going to call mine Marla Butts.
In this case plural is appropriate.
That last comment cracked me up- “Marla Butts” Ha!
Anyway….
my favorite of your eating indiscretions was ordering the “Fatass Enchilada Plate at Rosie’s Tamale House.” Don’t know how many of those and the Fajita Guadala-Heart-Attacks have brought my buttons to the edge of their holding abilities!
I keep getting e-mails from some company I bought exercise videos from. I still haven’t opened the box of videos yet. There is no way they are getting anymore of my money.
My meal plan is really simple and it’s free! I fought with it (and my weight) for years and this is what gives me peace of mind. Ready? I eat only the foods that I like and I don’t eat gross stuff. Works like a charm!