Early Education
September 23rd, 2009
At 7 a.m. this morning, Sam came downstairs and handed me a hand-written note.
“Aww, Sam,” I said as I poured myself a cup of coffee. “Is this a sweet note for your mommy? What a great kid you are!”
Then I looked down at the piece of paper that was covered in his 7-year-old loopy scrawl and read the following:
Plaxico Burress 2 years at jail.
At New York for 2008 gun incident in nighclub.
What the hell? Now fully awake, I immediately quizzed Sam about what the note meant. “I was just watching ESPN upstairs and saw this news. I thought you’d like to know,” he said. “By the way, can I have a muffin?”
See, even though he’s just in second grade, Sam still watches the pro football highlights because he considers himself to be an NFL expert. Each week, he and my dad have a conference call during which Sam tells my dad which teams to pick for that week’s pool. (So far, Sam’s way more accurate than Chris Berman.) Last month, my dad even sent Sam a guidebook from a Nevada casino’s Sportbook to help him make more informed decisions. Of course, you can imagine how thrilled we were when Sam’s teacher told us he regularly pulls out his “Bet the Pros!” book during independent reading time.
Anyway, I’m happy that Sam has something special to do with his Papa, and once he can start making his own bets and get his mommy a comped steak dinner at Bally’s, I’ll be even happier. That said, what I’m not too pleased about is all of the other stuff the pro football players are teaching him.
“So, mommy?” Sam asked as we walked to school. “They said the incident was in 2008, but why is he going to jail now? I thought bad guys went to jail right away.”
“Well, Sam…there’s a little something called ‘bail’,” I began, then our discussion quickly moved on to other kid-friendly topics like Felonies, Court-Appointed Lawyers, and what exactly constitutes a “Flight Risk.” By the time we reached school, Sam knew exactly what to do if he was ever arrested.
“So, I rent a car, drive to Mexico and hope they don’t try to extroh-dite me?”
“That’s right, Sam,” I said as I kissed him good-bye. “That knowledge will definitely come in handy some day. Oh, and one last thing—-you should never, ever carry a gun into a nightclub, but if you do…”
“Don’t stick it into my sweatpants!”
Honestly, with this kind of education at home, I don’t know why he even needs to go to school.
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized
34 Comments
Add your own1. dg at diaryofamadbathroom | September 23rd, 2009 at 10:29 am
I like the way you explain things. You should have no problems fielding anything that a teenager throws your way.
2. Akilah Sakai | September 23rd, 2009 at 11:11 am
Sweatpants … what the hell was he trying to do? Blow his “stuff” off?!
Anyway.
He takes the betting book to school? Haaa! That’s one awesome kid.
3. z | September 23rd, 2009 at 11:29 am
That is a slightly shady, but credible career path. I have several friends that supplement or double their income with sports books. One guy supposedly made $400k last year (mostly tax free). I, however, am incapable of this skill. Way to go Sam!
4. Laura | September 23rd, 2009 at 12:30 pm
I also have a die hard sports fan that is 7 years old. I can’t stand having to go over the ridiculous things that these athletes get caught doing-dog fights, night club shootings, DUIs on boats etc. The questions he asks as a result of seeing this stuff on tv. Give us moms a break-like we don’t have enough to do without having to explain this to our sons!
5. Liz P | September 23rd, 2009 at 12:47 pm
I just saw an article about this in my husband’s Sports Illustrated magazine and didn’t quite believe it until your post.
(LINK HERE: http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1160254/index.htm)
I’ve got two boys a few years younger than yours and a hubby who loves him some NFL, especially his fantasy team. I’m not exactly a pro sports fan but I guess, if I want to participate in family life in the autumns and winters of my future, I’m going to have to figure out what a tight end is. I don’t think it’s as fun as I imagine it is.
6. Crystal | September 23rd, 2009 at 12:52 pm
At least your son is interested in something OTHER than SpongeBob. Don’t get me wrong, I ADORE SpongeBob, but his laugh…yeah, not so much! Go Sam!
7. ann | September 23rd, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Ummm…we may need to siphon a little testosterone over here.
Looks like you’ve got a bumper-crop on your hands.
8. jessica | September 23rd, 2009 at 4:11 pm
You forgot “accomplice”
9. Cathy | September 23rd, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Well done!
And, seriously, this is my problem with all of our sports heroes, from Michael Phelps to all Michael Vick to … name your star. Yuck. Thanks for saying it succintly and cleverly.
10. peajaye | September 23rd, 2009 at 6:08 pm
you don’t know why he even needs to go to school? where else is he going to find so many young marks on whom he can practice his burgeoning gambling techniques and organize into profitable gaming pools? i mean, really, wendi.
11. Gretchen | September 23rd, 2009 at 6:34 pm
The kid is clearly a quick study. Do they have junior fantasy football leagues?
12. Marinka | September 23rd, 2009 at 7:04 pm
I can’t believe your kids get muffins for breakfast. What kind of breakfast of champions is that?
13. the mama bird diaries | September 23rd, 2009 at 8:25 pm
I totally pegged you for a home schooling mom like so long ago.
14. Invader_Stu | September 24th, 2009 at 4:51 am
I can foresee three future carrier possabilites:
1) A sports commentator
2) A lawyer
3) Someone who needs a lawyer
15. Candy | September 24th, 2009 at 5:07 am
Every time we buy my NFL-obsessed son a jersey with the name and number of his new favorite player, they immediately get traded or arrested. Usually arrested. Love “pro” sports.
16. Sophie | September 24th, 2009 at 6:15 am
Wendi, can you come tutor my little rascal?
He’ll be turning 2 this December, and I think it’s time for the Talk.
17. Sophie | September 24th, 2009 at 6:16 am
Also, I want to side with Marinka, and complain about the muffin breakfast. Why can’t I have one, too?
18. Carolyn Online | September 24th, 2009 at 6:33 am
He is learning so many valuable life lessons. I see a life as a defense attorney to the stars in his future.
19. Love | September 24th, 2009 at 6:57 am
Ha!! My kid and I have had that same criminal justice conversation (http://wp.me/pAVT1-4k) – except I never got around to explaining extradition. That is genius! We’ll have to cover that tonight.
20. Amy | September 24th, 2009 at 7:06 am
I have plenty of odd conversations with my boys too. I don’t aim to have them, they just happen. I made a comment about a guy having a moustache that looked like it belonged on a pimp so I had to explain what a pimp was, then what a prostitute was, etc. It was uncomfortable. My older son (14) is autistic so that makes it really interesting since there’s no social filter in him. Now he’ll loudly ask me in public if that guy over there looks like a pimp. I’m working on my superpower of becoming invisible.
21. Hannah | September 24th, 2009 at 9:10 am
I married a future lawyer so if we have a kid they will be well versed in ‘legalese’. LOL.
Definitely more important than a regular old education!
22. Verna Wilder | September 24th, 2009 at 9:51 am
Love it! Great writing, as usual!
23. p-huong | September 24th, 2009 at 11:31 am
I assume you’ll be receiving letters from Harvard Law soon. Keep it up and he’ll be getting you more than a comped steak dinner. HOLLA!
24. Mykljak | September 24th, 2009 at 11:55 am
Ah, the classic tableau: a mother teaching her young one to fly.
With apologies to Sandra Bernhard, this is a portrait Norman Rockwell forgot to paint.
25. madmad | September 25th, 2009 at 4:37 am
So who’s he got in the Pats-Atlanta game this weekend?
26. Shauna | September 25th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Hey, Will you ask Sam how he feels about the Cowboys this week? I’d like to make a bet. Thanks.
27. Red | September 25th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
“Don’t stick it into my sweatpants”
A creed that all up-and-coming bookies could stand to live by.
28. vodkamom | September 25th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Frankly, I’m convinced he’s gifted.
29. SArah Lindahl | September 25th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
I would love to see the childlike handwriting saying “gun incident in nightclub.” That one goes in the baby book! Great post! Great kid!
30. Jen | September 26th, 2009 at 6:10 am
Fantastic post! I remember as a little kid watching part of an episode of All My Children and asking at the dinner table what exactly a “pimp” was. My parents answered not at all pleased with the question or where it had come from. Although, I don’t remember them ever forbidding me from watching daytime soaps again.
31. Janie at Sounding Forth | September 27th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
This is hilarious! He might be the next, ahhhh, ummmmm….well, surely he can be anything he wants!
(Sorry, had a brain fart there.)
32. DM | September 29th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
I have no words. Other than “hahahahahahahaha!” This is important knowledge. I am trying to convince my sister that it is important my nephew know how to deal with vampires but apparently 5 is too young for Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
33. Nikki | September 30th, 2009 at 5:53 am
Wendi? How do you be so funny all the time?
I love your sick, sick mind.
34. gray matter matters | October 6th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
We actually initiated a mandatory viewing of Sports Center so my non-athletic child would have something to talk to the other kids about. Turns out Michael Vicks abuse of dogs is not exactly the highlights from Monday night’s game.
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