I’m taking a couple of weeks off, but never fear because in my place will be a couple of really funny writers as guest posters. The first is Lulu & Moxley’s Mom from Lulu and Moxley. (Don’t worry–those aren’t really the names of her kids. She’s being sarcastical.) LMM is also one of the writers at Reality Roadkill, where she actually had enough balls to do recaps of Denise Richards’ show, and where I’ll soon be doing hot mess recaps of Project Runway and Stefanie will be doing something else that maybe involves a rose ceremony.

Anyway, I hope you’ll check out Lulu’s blog. But for now, here’s her very entertaining post about Dora The Explorer.

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When Wendi asked me to do a guest post while she’s off doing God knows what, my first thought was how can I help her readers become better people and my second thought was maybe I can steal some of her readers and they’ll start coming to my site instead. Or maybe those thoughts were in reverse, I can’t remember. And what does it matter really? All you need to know is I was thinking of YOU, Wendi’s loyal (not too loyal I hope) fans and that perhaps in some small way I can impact your lives with a meaningful, life-changing post. In that realm, I share with you a recent letter I wrote to the woman behind the unlikely phenomenon of Dora the Explorer.

To: Valerie Walsh, Creator / Writer / Producer Dora the Explorer

From: LuLu and Moxley’s Mom

cc: Boots the Monkey

Re: DooDooDooDa Dora!

Hi, Val. May I call you Val? You and that little spitfire Dora are such an intricate part of my family that I feel I can be familiar with you, so I hope you don’t mind.

Well, Val, you must be pretty proud of yourself. What with your multi-billion dollar creation of a feisty, bilingual 7-year-old with no household rules such that she can fly off into outer space on a whim with a monkey. But other than your rather fantastical premise regarding a young gal with no parental supervision, a singing map with an exaggerated New York accent and a backpack capable of carrying a small plane, I have a few issue that I’m hoping you can address at your earliest convenience.

First, would it be too much to ask that Dora’s mother get a driver’s license so on the occasion Dora must deliver baked goods to her ailing grandmother, she can ride comfortably in the back seat of the family car rather than trudging through a scary forest where a fox is lurking to steal the treats?

Next, while you’re making demands of Dora’s mother, could you (strongly) suggest Dora buy a new shirt, one that covers her entire abdomen? And would it kill anyone to get Dora a more stylish haircut? She’s an international TV sensation for crying out loud. You don’t see Miley Cyrus walking around town with a bowl cut do you?

But between the show and the Dora-branded items — the profits from which you’ve probably bought a lavish Caribbean island — you have my children’s attention in one form or another 10 of their 12 waking hours. So in return, can you bother yourself to extol the virtues of good nutrition and stop having Dora eat so much ice cream? (She’s not svelte, you know.) Also, for example, the episode where Mommy Bugaboo is trying desperately to carry food to her starving babies, wouldn’t it have been a better message if she was trying to carry a giant carrot on her back rather than a giant cookie?

Speaking of healthy diets, my children will now only eat food products emblazoned with Dora’s face, most of which seem overly processed and high in sugar, which might explain our tiny daredevil’s slight paunch. Any chance you can team up with Chiquita Banana (the Boots connection is a no-brainer) so I can at least get some fresh fruits in them?

Here’s another question, Val: do you purposely create scary themes whereby babies are separated from their mothers and, save a daring rescue by Dora and Boots,they’d die alone in a net (Baby Crab) or awash on shore (Baby Duckling) or become stuck on a completely foreign planet when it should be up in the sky basking in the moon’s soothing glow (Baby Star)? I feel these storylines are enabling my toddlers’ separation anxiety, thereby limiting the time I can sit at my computer writing strongly worded letters to fat cat television producers.

You’re probably wondering why I cc’d Boots on this correspondence. My purpose is three-fold. 1) I suspect that that monkey pulls more strings behind the scenes than the viewing audience is led to believe; 2) I don’t want Boots cut out of any licensing royalties if a banana agreement comes to fruition; and 3) I want Boots to know I am outraged that Diego got his own show. If anyone is in line to get a spin-off, surely it’s Boots. It’s like when the Happy Days producers gave Laverne and Shirley their own gig, but left Fonzie out in the cold to suffer later ridicule involving shark-jumping that is now synonymous with “past its prime.” (Incidentally, The Fonz and Boots seem like kindred spirits – maybe come winter Boots could start wearing a black leather jacket? If put into use, please forward the appropriate creative royalty due to me. I’m litigious.)

Additionally, when do children generally outgrow their fondness for your fear-mongering production? Because I’m beginning to actually like the “We Did It” Dora dance and that scares me senseless. Please advise.

PS – If I ever come into contact with Swiper I’m going to kick the shit out of him rather than scream “Swiper no swiping!” Consider yourself warned.

PSS – I suspect your opening song with its disturbingly catchy DooDooDooDooDa Dora sequence exacerbates stuttering issues in genetically predisposed toddlers. Expect a (large) bill from our speech therapist.