Lulu, Moxley & Dora
August 12th, 2009
I’m taking a couple of weeks off, but never fear because in my place will be a couple of really funny writers as guest posters. The first is Lulu & Moxley’s Mom from Lulu and Moxley. (Don’t worry–those aren’t really the names of her kids. She’s being sarcastical.) LMM is also one of the writers at Reality Roadkill, where she actually had enough balls to do recaps of Denise Richards’ show, and where I’ll soon be doing hot mess recaps of Project Runway and Stefanie will be doing something else that maybe involves a rose ceremony.
Anyway, I hope you’ll check out Lulu’s blog. But for now, here’s her very entertaining post about Dora The Explorer.
___________________
When Wendi asked me to do a guest post while she’s off doing God knows what, my first thought was how can I help her readers become better people and my second thought was maybe I can steal some of her readers and they’ll start coming to my site instead. Or maybe those thoughts were in reverse, I can’t remember. And what does it matter really? All you need to know is I was thinking of YOU, Wendi’s loyal (not too loyal I hope) fans and that perhaps in some small way I can impact your lives with a meaningful, life-changing post. In that realm, I share with you a recent letter I wrote to the woman behind the unlikely phenomenon of Dora the Explorer.
To: Valerie Walsh, Creator / Writer / Producer Dora the Explorer
From: LuLu and Moxley’s Mom
cc: Boots the Monkey
Re: DooDooDooDa Dora!
Hi, Val. May I call you Val? You and that little spitfire Dora are such an intricate part of my family that I feel I can be familiar with you, so I hope you don’t mind.
Well, Val, you must be pretty proud of yourself. What with your multi-billion dollar creation of a feisty, bilingual 7-year-old with no household rules such that she can fly off into outer space on a whim with a monkey. But other than your rather fantastical premise regarding a young gal with no parental supervision, a singing map with an exaggerated New York accent and a backpack capable of carrying a small plane, I have a few issue that I’m hoping you can address at your earliest convenience.
First, would it be too much to ask that Dora’s mother get a driver’s license so on the occasion Dora must deliver baked goods to her ailing grandmother, she can ride comfortably in the back seat of the family car rather than trudging through a scary forest where a fox is lurking to steal the treats?
Next, while you’re making demands of Dora’s mother, could you (strongly) suggest Dora buy a new shirt, one that covers her entire abdomen? And would it kill anyone to get Dora a more stylish haircut? She’s an international TV sensation for crying out loud. You don’t see Miley Cyrus walking around town with a bowl cut do you?
But between the show and the Dora-branded items — the profits from which you’ve probably bought a lavish Caribbean island — you have my children’s attention in one form or another 10 of their 12 waking hours. So in return, can you bother yourself to extol the virtues of good nutrition and stop having Dora eat so much ice cream? (She’s not svelte, you know.) Also, for example, the episode where Mommy Bugaboo is trying desperately to carry food to her starving babies, wouldn’t it have been a better message if she was trying to carry a giant carrot on her back rather than a giant cookie?
Speaking of healthy diets, my children will now only eat food products emblazoned with Dora’s face, most of which seem overly processed and high in sugar, which might explain our tiny daredevil’s slight paunch. Any chance you can team up with Chiquita Banana (the Boots connection is a no-brainer) so I can at least get some fresh fruits in them?
Here’s another question, Val: do you purposely create scary themes whereby babies are separated from their mothers and, save a daring rescue by Dora and Boots,they’d die alone in a net (Baby Crab) or awash on shore (Baby Duckling) or become stuck on a completely foreign planet when it should be up in the sky basking in the moon’s soothing glow (Baby Star)? I feel these storylines are enabling my toddlers’ separation anxiety, thereby limiting the time I can sit at my computer writing strongly worded letters to fat cat television producers.
You’re probably wondering why I cc’d Boots on this correspondence. My purpose is three-fold. 1) I suspect that that monkey pulls more strings behind the scenes than the viewing audience is led to believe; 2) I don’t want Boots cut out of any licensing royalties if a banana agreement comes to fruition; and 3) I want Boots to know I am outraged that Diego got his own show. If anyone is in line to get a spin-off, surely it’s Boots. It’s like when the Happy Days producers gave Laverne and Shirley their own gig, but left Fonzie out in the cold to suffer later ridicule involving shark-jumping that is now synonymous with “past its prime.” (Incidentally, The Fonz and Boots seem like kindred spirits – maybe come winter Boots could start wearing a black leather jacket? If put into use, please forward the appropriate creative royalty due to me. I’m litigious.)
Additionally, when do children generally outgrow their fondness for your fear-mongering production? Because I’m beginning to actually like the “We Did It” Dora dance and that scares me senseless. Please advise.
PS – If I ever come into contact with Swiper I’m going to kick the shit out of him rather than scream “Swiper no swiping!” Consider yourself warned.
PSS – I suspect your opening song with its disturbingly catchy DooDooDooDooDa Dora sequence exacerbates stuttering issues in genetically predisposed toddlers. Expect a (large) bill from our speech therapist.
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized
21 Comments
Add your own1. Akilah Sakai | August 12th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
Holy shit, this was funny as hell!
My son is six now and left Dora and that catchy song behind long ago. Thankfully he did learn to count to ten in Spanish by age two.
2. donna | August 12th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Ha ha ha: “I don’t want Boots cut out of any licensing royalties if a banana agreement comes to fruition” Banana, fruition. funny.
Seriously, I never let my kid watch Dora because she annoys me so, and let’s face it, it IS all about me. But a distant relative gave her a series of Dora books for her second birthday and immediately my daughter pointed out Dora and Boots. How the heck did she know who they were?? It must be some secret plot and additives in the milk or something.
3. cindy w | August 12th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
This letter is awesome. And I’m so glad I’m not the only one who wonders why on earth Mommy Bugabug’s babies are subsisting entirely on chocolate chip cookies.
4. Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings | August 12th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
You took the words right out of my mouth, in so many ways. Seriously…the one with the book taking the cookie to the babies. What?! Where as the freaking apple or something with protein in, you know? A little bit of worm or something? Cookie is pure sugar and will make them really fat bugs one day who can’t fly. Cookies in moderation for the baby bugs, one thing,but cookies as the main meal? What message does that send?!
And if I have to say “Swiping no swiping!” with my toddler one more time I will scream bloody murder. So please, kick the crap out of him for us. I’d appreciate that. I’d also appreciate if Diego’s parents would travel with him instead of sending his preteen cousin with him to far away places like the Frozen Tundra. That’s just not cool. What are they doing while he’s risking his life? Sitting back in the rain forest sipping martinis? Dang.
I have a lot of issues…no?
5. DG at Diaryofamadbathroom | August 12th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Dora is to current parents of toddlers what Barney was to me. Despicable, ridiculous, unbearable and sooooooooo frikkin awesome!
You just can’t place a high enough value on something that will keep your child off the dining room chandelier for half an hour.
6. Marinka | August 12th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
Hola! That was muy funny. Let us know if ella writes back, ok?
7. Sarah M | August 12th, 2009 at 7:23 pm
OK that was totally one of THE funniest things I have ever read. I am dying here…I only recently discovered Wendi’s blog…and now I am an addict waiting for the next fix!!!! Well you certainly supplied it!!!
8. Amy | August 12th, 2009 at 9:19 pm
I wish swiper would swipe Dora, Diego, Map, and Boots and send them off to some remote island never to be heard from again. This would be my same fantasy island where Blue and Steve have been sent in my imagination. And Barney… (I told my kids we didn’t get PBS and couldn’t watch the f-ing purple dinosaur). Mommy has to be somewhat sane or bad things happen.
9. Alli | August 13th, 2009 at 6:01 am
Oh my, that was just what I needed this morning! Freaking hilarious!
10. Emily | August 13th, 2009 at 7:43 am
Despite my efforts to protect my (just turned) 2 year old from the Dora industry in all her lovely shrillness (WHY does it have to be SO shill) Thanks to my mother and inlaws she has discovered it anyway. So I’m reading this post and laughing and she comes up behind me and sees the little Dora pic and says “Dowa an’ Boots an’ SWIPER Mommy!!! you LIKE dem!”
Next could you write a letter to the creators of Max and Ruby and see if they can tell us where the mommy and daddy bunnies are there?
11. Diana | August 13th, 2009 at 8:10 am
Hey Biotch! Good to see you here.
Although I loved every word and can appreciate your letter…I don’t let my kid watch this show because of the Da-da-da-da-Dora song alone. Drives me insane. However, I still appreciated your very funny post and am happy to see you here for Wendi!
Note to Wendi’s readers: would it hurt you to bookmark luluandmoxley.blogspot.com? I don’t think so. Just do it, you’ll thank me. I don’t get paid for this work people, I do it out of the goodness of my little black heart so just stop yammering and bookmark! The end.
12. Farquhar | August 13th, 2009 at 10:53 am
My sister is called Lulu. Luckily though, My Mom did not name me Moxley.
13. Gretchen | August 13th, 2009 at 7:35 pm
1. Have a lovely time doing whatever you’re doing Wendi!
2. Nothing I enjoy more than a good recap!
3. Every mother in the world thanks you for this letter. I hope this woman gives you some good solid answers, damn it. And where is this danger laden place this little girl lives, anyway? The Gooey Geyser? The City of Lost Toys? Pretty surreal if you ask me.
14. Bonnie Childress | August 14th, 2009 at 9:30 am
That was well written, thanks! Note to Dor’as parents. She needs her hearing checked. She shouts everything! Maybe they could do it while they are out shopping for a new shirt.
15. the mama bird diaries | August 14th, 2009 at 8:58 pm
You’ll be glad to know that just today my 4 1/2 year old gave one of her Dora dolls a proper haircut.
And that “swiper no swiping” crap haunts me.
16. Rita | August 14th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
love it! so true. My daughter gave up Dora around 3 but she still asks for it every once in a while. We are on a Backyardigans kick right now…which is AWESOME, and I’m not being sarcastic, I love them!
17. jessica | August 15th, 2009 at 8:34 pm
Wow, I must not be paying attn b/c I haven’t had any of those issues with Dora and now I realize why….I’m not paying attention. I’m sorry but when you have ADD like I do, it’s hard to focus long on this stuff and since no one has ever had their kid sent to prison from watching Dora, I guess I figured it was okay.
18. misguided mommy | August 23rd, 2009 at 8:54 am
This is exactly how I feel about the wonder pets.
19. misguided mommy | August 23rd, 2009 at 8:55 am
and those asshole backyardagains. i fucking hate backyardagains
20. Kendra | August 25th, 2009 at 7:53 am
Oh, Lulu and Moxley’s Mom, you so get me! I frickin’ hate that song, though it is pretty cute to see my husband and 3-year-old prancing around the house, calling out, “Swiper no swiping!”
Now that my oldest is 6 and into the superheroes and all other things that come with action figures, I’m not sure whether I like Dora more or less. My younger two are still hypnotized by her, which means that not only do I have to listen to “Repeat after me…” and “Where are we going?” so many thousands of times in a row, but I also have to listen to “Why do we have to watch this?” at the same time.
I can see how kids end up with so much technology in their rooms. It’s tempting to set up and entire home theater in there so they can watch their crap without me!
21. Search Yield: Weird &laqu&hellip | September 1st, 2009 at 7:49 pm
[...] & Moxley (If you’ve ever seen Dora The Explorer, do yourself a favor and read this. If you don’t pee just a little, something is wrong with [...]
Leave a Comment
Some HTML allowed:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>
Trackback this post | Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed