I just finished watching the morning news and now I am afraid. Apparently, there are now even more things out there that I should be worried about, and I honestly don’t know if I have the time. I mean, my plate’s so full already.

The first disturbing thing I saw today was a story about a Texas woman who got up to use the powder room in the middle of the night only to be shot in the chest by her husband who thought she was an intruder. No charges are being pressed, which makes me think that Mr. Handgun is currently at the local jewelry emporium plunking down his credit card and buying his wife the biggest piece of ice he can find. (Potential new market for Zales: the “Sorry I Shot You in The Chest, Honey! My bad!” niche.)

This incident concerns me because usually when I visit the facilities in the middle of the night, all I have to worry about is confusing the closet with the bathroom and then peeing where I’m not supposed to again. (Long story.) We don’t have a handgun in our house, but what if one night my nocturnal tinkling noises make my husband think there’s a cat burglar rummaging through our silver, and then he attacks me with his baseball bat? Sure, I’d get a few nice necklaces out of the ordeal, but it’s not like I can wear them when I’m in a full-body cast in the ICU. Therefore, just to be on the safe side, I will now be donning a Kevlar vest for my midnight potty runs. Safety first, bladder second, people.

The other disturbing thing I saw this morning was a story on The Today Show called “Skinny Jeans Will Kill You!” Or “Rock & Republic & Death!” Or something along those lines. The story was about the many, many health dangers lurking in a pair of tight denim pants. Things like bladder infections, loss of fertility and “Tingling Thigh Syndrome,” which is something I thought just happened to me whenever I look at pictures of David Beckham with his shirt off.

After showing about five minutes of footage of women trotting around in the evil pants, and a few shots of the Jonas Brothers who have obviously never met a pair of Relaxed Fit anything in their young lives, they talked to a fashion consultant and a medical expert who both said that wearing constricting pants can cut off the blood flow to your legs and damage your nerves. Yep, Skinny jeans: The Anacondas of Slacks.

Anyway, the good news is now I can tell all of my friends that the reason I wear baggy-ass mom jeans from Costco isn’t because my thighs are too large for skinny jeans, it’s because I want to stay alive to see my children get married. Brilliant, no? Finally, to conclude this piece of hard-hitting journalism about trouser hazards, The Today Show interviewed some complete fashion victim who said she has major nerve damage in her thighs caused by her jeans and high heels, but “It looks good, so it’s fine.”

I’m sure it is fine. I just hope for her sake she doesn’t have to peel off those pants to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.