In Sickness and In Health. (But Mostly Sickness.)
July 12th, 2009
Chris, as your wife of…how long have we been married?
Two thousand years.
As your wife of many years, I have something very serious to tell you. You’d better sit down.
I am sitting down.
No, you’re sprawled in a beanbag chair. And last time I checked, that only counts as “sitting down” if it’s 1978 and we’re in the back of a Chevy van smoking doobage with Cheech and Chong.
Fine. I’ll move to the couch.
Okay, ready? I think I have a disease.
Fantastic. What is it this time?
What do you mean “what is it this time?”
Well, last year you thought you had Mad Cow disease because you accidentally licked a shovel at the fairgrounds.
Yes, but…
The year before that, it was Cat Scratch Fever and you wanted to get an X-ray because supposedly, there was a hairball stuck in your throat. Which if you recall was actually just a bad case of post nasal drip.
I never…
And two weeks ago, you claimed you caught Swine Flu after eating a ham sandwich from a gas station. You might remember begging me to email your vital statistics to Anderson Cooper with the message, “Holy crap, Coop, time’s running out.”
You know I was a little feverish that day.
So like I said, what is it this time?
First of all, I don’t like your tone. Second of all, I just self-diagnosed myself on the internet with a debilitating skin condition. It’s very serious. In fact, it may even prevent me from ever doing yoga again.
Uh-huh.
Come on—just look at my leg! See? Right here on my left thigh? See that weird waffle pattern on my skin? It doesn’t exactly look normal, does it? It doesn’t look good. In fact, it looks pretty damn scary. Oh, my God—do you think it’s…it’s… leprosy?! Oh, sweet Jesus, it IS leprosy! I have leprosy! Shit, shit, shit! (long pause) Do I get my own island now?
What?
You’d better rush me to the E.R., okay? Immediately! I mean, right after I watch Entourage.
Oh, dear God. Listen, did this “skin condition” of yours start after you took a shower?
Um, yeah.
And after said shower, did you put on your new spa robe? Your new spa robe that just so happens to have a WAFFLE pattern?
Oh, my…how did you….? Wait—do you think my leprosy is really just the robe imprint?
Well, let’s see… I’ve got to run a few tests, talk to a few experts, but YES, genius, I do. Hallelujah, you’re cured. It’s yet another medical miracle.
Oh, ha, ha! Waffle robe. That’s pretty funny, right?
Not really.
OK, so it’s not that funny. (long pause) But do I still get the island?
__________
(Wanda Sykes update: I know this will shock absolutely no one, but my plan to get Wanda to read my post didn’t work out at all last night. So if you’re going to BlogHer, look for me on stage. I’ll be the one surrounded by paramedics.)
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized
30 Comments
Add your own1. mother-in-law-chronicles | July 12th, 2009 at 10:15 am
My grandmother, as a child, left her parents a note one night that said:
“It’s finaly happened. I have leprosy.”
They loved that she handled it so well. She just knew it was bound to happen some day. Of course, she didn’t really have it.
2. Akilah Sakai | July 12th, 2009 at 11:48 am
That sounds a little like me. Teehee! And Hubster does the same thing and ignores my diagnosis each and every time. But let it be him coming down with rickets or lock jaw!! We’ll have to call in S.W.A.T. and a Navy SEAL team!
3. The Mom(aka Amy) | July 12th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
This is why I cannot watch House marathons anymore. I kept getting vasculitis.
4. Margaret (Nanny Goats) | July 12th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
First of all, I’m sorry Wanda will not be reading for you, although this will make it much easier for me to figure out you are so I can say hello and introduce myself.
Secondly, you have not lived until you’ve had lupus. So, can you get on that?
5. Bethany Faubel | July 12th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
“…it’s yet *another* medical miracle”
LOL
Sorry about the island
6. Marinka | July 12th, 2009 at 5:21 pm
I love waffles.
And islands.
7. Janine | July 12th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
It’s so comforting to know that I’m not the only WebMD out there. I started signing my panicked “guess what I’ve got NOW” emails to friends with “Janine, WMD,” until I somehow got flagged for the Weapons of Mass Destruction signature.
8. Sarah M | July 12th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
Wanna get some awesome looking red freaky bumps on your skin? Go pick some bush beans with bare arms….looks like you have some freaking messed up skin disease…sadly it doesn’t last. I was hoping to have a sick day from it!
9. DG at Diaryofamadbathroom | July 12th, 2009 at 7:53 pm
Are you sure it isn’t Black Plague,Hoof and Mouth Disease, Scabies or Scurvy – all of which include Waffle Butt as a symptom. Just sayin. . .
10. Kirsten | July 12th, 2009 at 8:48 pm
I’ve had that skin disease many times.
11. Lisa Rae @ smacksy | July 12th, 2009 at 9:16 pm
So very glad you are healed.
If WebMd required a co-pay, I would be wearing a barrel.
12. jessica | July 13th, 2009 at 12:39 am
at least it goes away and the cure is you just taking your robe off.
13. Jen | July 13th, 2009 at 4:44 am
Sorry it didn’t work out with Wanda. I am the same about worrying that I have every possible type of disease. My husband pretty much ignores me also.
14. amy2boys | July 13th, 2009 at 7:57 am
I want to hear the shovel licking story. (What has my life come to that I just typed that, and meant it.)
15. kate | July 13th, 2009 at 8:07 am
The biggest mistake my doctor ever made was giving me a copy of my bloodwork after an appointment…I went home, grabbed my husband’s medical text books and within minutes had myself convinced that I had leukemia, anemia and diabetes. I’m not allowed to use his text books anymore.
16. Gretchen | July 13th, 2009 at 10:37 am
Just a warning:
In my house, I am the normal, sane one, er…I mean…the less prone to illness one, and my husband is the hypochondriac freak…I mean…one who is more prone to illness. He keeps getting CAT scans because he believes he has a brain tumor. I have completely stopped listening to his concerns (endless whining).
Then a couple of weeks ago, he tells me he needs to go to the doctor because he has two pimples on his butt, and makes me look at them. “It’s a butt pimple you idiot!” I said to ease his fears. Over the next week, he continued to fret about his pimples, which apparently were sore. Boo Hoo. Finally, he politely asked me if I would just take a look at them and tell him what I think. I roll my eyes, pull down his pants and…AAARRRGHH! He now had two huge black holes in his ass. Turns out he had a staph infection! Really.
I have been eating crow ever since. But the moral here, is that if you freak your husband out every time you have a waffle robe imprint, you will be the boy who cried wolf, and he won’t take you seriously when you have CANCER. Sorry, didn’t mean to give you any ideas.
17. Judy Larsen | July 13th, 2009 at 11:05 am
Yeah, well, this past spring I diagnosed myself with Lou Gehrig’s disease and two really bad, quickly fatal cancers. Hallelujah, I’m still here! Amazing, isn’t it? But, there was the time my husband pooh-poohed his son’s sore shoulder after a sledding mishap. Yeah, two days later when he finally took the whiner to the doctor it turned out he’d dislocated it.
18. Hannah | July 13th, 2009 at 11:52 am
LOL! Who needs a doctor (and possibly a therapist) when you’ve got your hubby?
19. madmad | July 13th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Um…. how does one accidentally lick a shovel? Just wondering.
And you’ll do fine, you’ll see! Part of the funny will be seeing those words come out of that pretty face!
20. Laura | July 13th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
hit my head last week and was convinced it was going to have me dead by lunch time.
but no such luck.
still had to make lunch.
21. StephanieG | July 13th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
I read somewhere that the only known cure for Waffle Butt is a secluded spa resort and a big bottle of vodka. Kids and husbands aggravate the condition, so for the love of all that is holy, isolate yourself- IMMEDIATELY!
22. Elisa | July 13th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
Man, leprosy would look so much better if it was in tidy squares rather than all over the place. And you should totally get your island, just in case.
23. ann | July 13th, 2009 at 7:48 pm
Maybe Ted Danson is available.
24. the mama bird diaries | July 13th, 2009 at 8:16 pm
Don’t even think of being to sick to show up for Blogher.
I’m so excited the boys of Entourage are back.
25. Laurie | July 13th, 2009 at 8:24 pm
I came home from work one day so tired I was sure I was coming down with something. When I got into my comfy sweat pants I saw my legs were blue from lack of oxygen! I was sure I was having heart issues until I remembered I wore new jeans that day. New jean dye rubbed off on my legs.
26. Two Wishes | July 13th, 2009 at 9:35 pm
I’m not quite a hypochondriac, in the sense that I actually GET all sorts of odd, rare diseases. Once I even had a podiatrist beg to take photos of me, because my calfbone is something-or-other and “a find like this only comes along once in a podiatry lifetime!”
No leprosy yet, but I *have* had Cat Scratch Fever. Which no one took seriously. I missed one day of work, and my boss got annoyed because, as she explained, “that’s not a disease; it’s a Ted Nugent song.”
27. Lisa (jonnysmommy) | July 14th, 2009 at 8:19 am
I swear…you are just like me. I’ve been having pain in the back of my head this week. I’m sure it’s a tumor. Then I decided it was sinuses. And I’m sure that’s what it is now. But then I had a funny feeling under my arm and I’ve already convinced myself I may have to go through chemo and lose all my hair.
I loved this post. Didn’t get a chance until today to comment on it because we are on “vacation”. No, didn’t go anywhere. THe kid is crazy, the Hubby is…the Hubby and well, I’m not sure it feels much like a vacation.
28. p.huong | July 15th, 2009 at 11:49 am
I watched an episode of House where the docs thought the patient had skin eating bacteria. I freaked out because I noticed at scab on my tummy. It took me a couple of days to realize I had got it from running into something the other day. Must have been drunk when that happened.
How in the world does one “accidentally” lick a shovel?
29. Bonnie Childress | July 15th, 2009 at 7:25 pm
Love you, I for one am so glad you aren’t dying!
I also want to know how someone accidentally licks a shovel.
30. gray matter matters | July 16th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
Yeah, I had my money on sitting on a woven chair in your shorts. But a waffle robe is just as good!
Good luck at BlogHer, I will be there in spirit, and my spirit will be mocking me because I couldn’t be there and I’m missing out on everything. EVERYTHING. Dammit I NEVER get to do anything. Anything, do you hear me? Marsha Marsha Marsha.
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